Bill the Minder

by W. Heath Robinson

  THE TRIPLETS

  Right gladly were the services of the plucky old salt accepted by thegallant little band, and taking it in turns to relieve him of hisburden, they jovially marched along. The way was enlivened by many agood chorus, until the old King complained of a headache, when every onehad to be quiet and talk only in quite a low tone, while Boadiceasoothed the old fidget, and lulled him to sleep, by removing his crownand gently stroking the top of his head with a mint leaf, rolled into alittle ball, and fastened to the end of a stem of sweet-briar. Heawakened shortly after tea, very much refreshed for his nap, and everyone grew merry again.

  He now, however, considerably delayed the progress of the expedition byinsisting on running after butterflies, and trying to catch them in hiscrown. Though anxious enough to continue their journey, all the armyawaited with great patience the pleasure of the old sportsman. At lengthKnut, who had been eagerly watching the King for some time, as hefrisked about the fields after the brightly-coloured insects, could notrestrain himself from doing likewise. Now Hannibal joined in the sport,then Quentin, then Noah, then Ratchett, and, so exciting did the chasebecome, soon all the force were frantically running about the fieldswith the lively monarch, while Boadicea remained by the carriage anddarned his old stockings.

  At last the King grew tired, and they all came back to the road andresumed their march. The tiresome sovereign now insisted on the AncientMariner removing his burden to the rear, complaining that theabsent-minded creature would stare at him, and that he did not wish tobe gazed at or wondered at. 'Time enough for that,' said he, 'when I'mon my throne again.' Having effected this change in the order of theprocession, they now marched on without further interruption from theKing.

  Towards nightfall they drew near to the sea, on the shores of which theyhoped to spend the night. Bill being, as usual, a little in advance ofthe others, was the first to descend to the sands, seated on which hediscovered, to his great astonishment, three young children weepingbitterly, and near to them, in the same state of grief, he beheld anold gentleman seated upon a rock. But what aroused his astonishment evenmore than their extreme wretchedness, was the fact that the threechildren were all exactly alike in every particular,--the same size, thesame hair, the same eyes,--in fact, there was no perceptible differenceof any kind between them. Now and again, one of the children wouldendeavour to comfort the old man, and he again would attempt to performthe like kindly office for them. Wondering what could so upset suchworthy creatures, Bill approached and besought them to confide to himtheir troubles, that he might try to relieve them to the best of hisability. Their tears, however, effectually prevented them from replyingat once to him. Giving them a little time to recover, Bill againaddressed them. 'Who are you?' said he, and they all answered betweentheir sobs, 'We are the Duchess of Blowdripping and her two sisters,Mellinid and Edil.'

  'Which of you,' asked Bill, 'is the Duchess?'

  'That's what we don't know,' they replied. 'We only know that she isneither Mellinid nor Edil.'

  'Then who of you is Mellinid, and who Edil?' again queried the puzzledBill.

  'That's what all the trouble's about,' they tearfully rejoined. 'All wecan tell you for certain is that neither of them is the Duchess,' andthe poor little creatures redoubled their cries.

  More puzzled than ever, and quite at a loss to find any clue to theirtroubles, Bill again besought them to relieve their minds by confidingin him. Then one of the little creatures stood up and, after drying hereyes, addressed Bill in the following way:--

  ENDEAVOURING TO COMFORT THE OLD MAN]

  'As you have most likely guessed, we are triplets, and were christenedBlaura, Mellinid and Edil, after three great-aunts renowned for theirintelligence and their many virtues. From our earliest days we were somuch alike that each had to wear a different coloured hair-ribbon todistinguish her from her sisters. Blaura wore red, Mellinid blue, andEdil green. Our affectionate parents, the late Duke and Duchess ofBlowdripping, died when we were barely six months old, and we were allleft in charge of our uncle, the benevolent gentleman you see weeping onmy left. Before the thoughtful creatures expired, feeling that their endwas drawing near, they were faced with the difficult problem as to whichof us should be the new Duchess; all of us, as I have said before, beingof the same age. Of course, I need not tell you that it was quite out ofthe question we should all inherit the title; three young ladies tryingto be one duchess would be absurd in the extreme. So our intelligent andresourceful mother and father decided, after much deliberation with thefamily solicitor, and the vicar of the parish, that Blaura shouldsucceed to the title and all the dignities of the Duchy of Blowdrippingwhen she arrived at the age of eight years, and that, at the same time,Mellinid should become the owner of Blowdripping Hall, with itspriceless collections of pictures, old china, fossils and foreignstamps, and Edil become the possessor of the Blowdripping Park, in whichthe Hall is so pleasantly situated, with its herds of hedgehogs, elandsand gnu. I am sure you will agree with me that no more just division oftheir great possessions could have been devised by the fair-mindedcouple. Our uncle was kindness itself, ever watching us with theaffectionate care of a mother. He was always at hand to look to ourcomforts, and to see that no danger drew nigh, whether we were bathingin the marble fountains of the courtyard, taking the air in the park, orsleeping in our tastefully-decorated bedroom.

  'One beautiful summer's afternoon, when we were about one year old, wehad been taken on to the verandah to enjoy our afternoon nap, in orderthat we might have advantage of the delightful breeze that blew acrossthe woods from the sea. As usual our uncle was near by, and so soothingwas the air that, unable to resist its drowsy influence, he, too, soondozed off. Unfortunately we awakened before our unconscious nurse, andimmediately rolled out of our cradles, and crawled along the pavement ofthe verandah. Great sport we had, I have no doubt, as children will, andcertain it is that, attracted by their brilliant colours, we lost notime in removing from each other's heads our distinguishing ribbons, andspeedily mixing them up. However, at length, and too late, our babylaughter awakened the old gentleman from his sleep. Too great for wordswas the astonishment of the unhappy man when he beheld us all shuffledup and mixed in this deplorable way upon the pavement. Bitterly heaccused himself of wicked negligence for allowing such a thing tohappen, for so alike were we without our distinguishing ribbons, that hecould never hope to know one from the other again. He thought, andthought, and thought for the whole afternoon, but at the end he was nonearer discovering again which was the future Duchess, which Mellinid,and which Edil. At last, he gave it up in despair. Henceforth we wereknown only collectively as the future Duchess and her two sisters, butwhich is the Duchess, and which the two sisters, will remain for ever amystery.

  WE GREW UP IN COMPARATIVE HAPPINESS]

  He was always at hand]

  'Nevertheless, we grew up in comparative happiness until yesterday, thefateful day when we all became eight years of age. Beforebreakfast, and with all due solemnity, our faithful uncle handed over tous the control and guardianship of the Blowdripping possessions, whichhad been entrusted to him until we should arrive at our present age,but, alas! we could not avail ourselves of the good provision made forus by our thoughtful parents, as neither one of us knew which of us wewere. The Duchess, as head of the family, could not give her consent toanything, or advance any money for the housekeeping as, for all sheknew, she might be one of her own sisters, in which case she would havebeen touching that which did not rightly belong to her. For the samereason Mellinid, not knowing who she herself was, could not give herconsent to our remaining at the Hall, and likewise Edil could not allowthe magnificent house still to occupy its lovely situation in theBlowdripping Park. After talking the matter over, and over again, wehave come to the conclusion that, without the permission of the properowners, which, you will see, it is impossible for us to obtain, the onlycourse open to us was to abandon our riches, and to leave the park andthe castle for ever. Our good uncle, putting all th
e blame for ourtroubles upon his own negligence, insisted on accompanying us.'

  At the conclusion of this strange story Bill was certainly aghast at thevery difficult problem put before him, and quite at a loss to offer anysolution. He therefore conducted the trembling triplets and theirgrief-stricken uncle before the King, who had in the meantime arrivedupon the shore. Bill explained the difficult position in which the pooryoung things found themselves; but, wise as he undoubtedly was, the Kingfor some time could make nothing whatever of it. He called all hisofficers and soldiers round him, and they formed one great semicircle,of which he was the centre; the triplets were then placed before him,and he at once proceeded to question them.

  'Have you,' said he, addressing the first triplet, 'any idea as to whichof the three of you you really are?'

  'None whatever,' answered the child.

  He then repeated the same question to the other triplets, and receivedthe same answer.

  'Come now,' continued the King, in a cheerful voice, 'does any one ofyou feel at all like a duchess?'

  'We don't know how a duchess should feel,' they all replied.

  The King here frowned severely and ground his teeth.

  'Now, one of you must be telling an untruth,' said he, 'for one of you,as you say, is the Duchess, and must know exactly how she feels, whichmust be how a duchess feels. Come now, which of you is she?' And thequick-tempered monarch knit his brows into the most terrible folds.'Unless that one is one of her own sisters and not the Duchess,' heroared, 'she ought to be ashamed of her deceit, and severely punished;and if, indeed, she is not the Duchess, then she ought to be punishedall the same. I've half a mind to have the three of you smacked hard,that I may at least be certain of punishing the right one.'

  Bill suggested timidly that perhaps this would be rather unfair, as twoof them at least would be unjustly punished.

  'But which two?' snapped the irritated King. 'How can any of them feelunjustly treated if she doesn't know whether she's the guilty one ornot?' And he worked himself into a terrible fury, and strode up and downthe sands, no one daring to approach him. Suddenly, without any warningof his intention, he ran down to the sea, and removing his shoes andstockings, cooled his temper by paddling his feet in the sea-water. In alittle time he returned, his excitement much allayed, and soon the criesof the distracted and unhappy triplets, together with the pitiful sighsof the dejected uncle, entirely assuaged the wrath of the sympathetic,though quick-tempered, old man.

  When he once more resumed his place before the three children the stormhad passed, and a sweet, good-natured smile enlivened his homely oldface, and charmed all beholders.

  'Well, well, well,' said he, 'triplets will be triplets after all, anduncles uncles, all the world over.'

  He at once resumed the inquiry, and placing his hand kindly on the headof the second triplet he now addressed the first in the following way:--

  'Let us suppose for the moment that you happen to know which of yoursisters this particular one really is, who, in that case, would thethird one be, if she (the third) were not Mellinid?'

  'Either Edil or the Duchess,' promptly replied the intelligent child.

  'Quite right,' said the King encouragingly, 'Now as this is not so, andyou certainly do not know which of your sisters this one happens to be,the reverse must be true, so that if your other sister is neither Edilnor the Duchess, who must she be?'

  'Mellinid, of course,' readily answered the child, and every oneapplauded and wondered at the wisdom of the King.

  'It only now remains,' proceeded the King, addressing the first andsecond triplets 'to discover which of you is Edil and which theDuchess.' Placing his hand once more upon the head of the secondtriplet, he again addressed the first.

  'Suppose, for the sake of argument, that this sister of yours whom wenow know not to be Mellinid were Mellinid and Mellinid the Duchess, inthat case you would assuredly be Edil. Now as you cannot suppose thissister to be Mellinid when you know she is not, and the Duchess is theDuchess and not Mellinid, then our supposition must be wrong and thereverse true, so that Mellinid remains Mellinid and, as we say you arenot Edil, then this little girl must be she.' Then shaking the firsttriplet by the hand, the complacent old potentate said inconclusion:--'And you, my dear creature, are thus proved to be neitherEdil nor Mellinid but Blaura, the charming Duchess of Blowdripping, towhom I offer my hearty congratulations.' The cheerful soul now embracedthe three children, and when he had a hand free he slapped the olduncle, who now looked the very picture of happiness, several times uponthe back.

  THE TRIPLETS ACCOMPANY THE ARMY]

  Cheers were raised again and again at the unheard-of wisdom of the Kingof Troy. The old uncle completely exhausted himself by leaping high intothe air over and over again, while the triplets were beyond themselveswith joy at such a successful end to their troubles.

  So delighted were the triplets with their new friends that, duringbreakfast the next morning, they announced their intention ofaccompanying them to their journey's end, and entrusted the care of theBlowdripping estate to their old uncle until they should return. Thecamp packed up and when every one was ready to continue the journey,they all took an affectionate leave of the old man and marched on.

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  GOOD AUNT GALLADIA]

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