Bill the Minder

by W. Heath Robinson

  THE MUSICIAN

  Sometimes now the old King showed signs of weariness, and Bill bethoughthim that a little music occasionally might soothe his nerves. So in thevery next town they came to he engaged the only musician in the place,and very willing he was too to come along.

  He played very wonderful music on his old concertina, often assistedwith his voice, and one evening, after a very beautiful performance, thetalented creature related the following story to his enchantedhearers:--

  'Right glad have I been, good fellows all, to join you in this yournoble enterprise to right our stout old brother of Troy here, and ingood time I trust that my great deeds shall prove my sincerity. But, inthe meantime, as supper hour draws on apace, and the frizzling cutletsdo scent the evening air, a little story should not be amiss to distractyour anxious minds, and thus to check the impatience of your appetite.

  'Know then, my jovial birds, my cunning blades, that I am the eldest sonof that Prince of Polynesia who united the scattered kingdoms of thisunwieldy archipelago into one vast empire, over which he ruled witheven-handed justice and some common-sense until his death. Ah! lads, ifall had their rights I should at the present moment be seated on thesoft cushions of my father's throne, and maybe more able to be of helpto you than I am now; but you must take the will for the deed.

  'My word! what a plump and healthy child was I, and withal as jolly andas hearty as the day was long. Moreover, was not I the pride of theempire and the envy of all the other kings and princes who had ever seenor heard of me? Alas! who could have foretold that I was thus early inlife destined to have a real good taste of the troubles of this wearyworld, and, though surrounded by every care and attention and the objectof the greatest affection that ever bubbled in the human heart, shortlyto become the victim of the meanest spite.

  'But to proceed with the yarn--neither care nor expense was spared in myupbringing, to which possibly more thought was devoted than even to theeducation of our very well-educated and trustworthy friend, the buxomSicilian char-woman. At all events, the most certificated nursesprocurable were continually being engaged, but apparently only to bedismissed again, for, almost perfect as most of them were, I can assureyou that, in the course of a very little time they were certain, ofcourse, to reveal (as was only natural) some slight weakness, and I askyou, good comrades all, which of us is without 'em? This overcarefulnesson the part of my good parents was to be the cause of the disaster thatwas soon entirely to change the trend of my life.

  'It came about in this way. One of the discharged nurses, indignant atwhat, with some show of reason, she considered an injustice to herself(she had been dismissed for curling my hair only a little to the rightinstead of quite to the right), resolved to revenge herself on her latemaster and mistress, in such a manner as should be most likely to leavethem wretched for the remainder of their lives. Knowing theoverextravagance of their affection for me, she cruelly determined tostrike them in this, their weakest spot. One dark night, after cleverlyevading the ever-wakeful guards, she crept into my father's palace.Stealing up the main staircase without attracting observation, shearrived at the now empty throne-room, which she stealthily traversed,keeping all the while close to the wall. She then passed through thelittle door at the left of the grand throne and found herself in thebilliard-room. She had not, however, taken two steps therein when afearful panic seized her, for what should she behold but the stout formof my rare old dad the emperor leaning over the table, apparently in theact of making a brilliant stroke. A few seconds' consideration, however,served to convince the vengeful creature that he was fast asleep.Gnashing her teeth at the old gentleman, she hurried across the room andentered the library, in which my good mother was seated, reading. But soabsorbed was the good lady in her book that she took no notice whateverof the agile intruder, as she entered by one door and swiftly left bythe other. She now successively passed through the state ball-room, themusic-room, the third best drawing-room, the second best ball-room, andthe state bed-room, and mounting the back stairs, came to the suite ofrooms occupied by the nurses, and eventually reached the nurses'dining-hall, into which my nursery led, without having excited any one'sobservation.

  'Opening my door very quietly, she peeped in. All was dark inside exceptfor the glimmer of a night-light which shone on the frilling of mycradle and on the form of the nurse then in office, who had fallenasleep over her supper of stewed apples. Creeping in quietly, theevil-minded woman lifted my sleeping form from the cradle, so gentlythat she did not awaken me, and, holding me closely to her, once moresuccessfully passed through all the apartments she had alreadytraversed, without arousing any suspicion, and at length found herselfagain in the open air.

  'Without losing a moment, she now made off to the woods, and afterwandering in these for some time, she met an old witch with whom, nodoubt, she had an appointment. Seated on the grass, the two womenhaggled and haggled, and at last the treacherous nurse sold me to thewitch for three cocoanuts, and then went on her way and out of my lifefor ever.

  'Now it happened that the old witch lived in the hollow trunk of a treewith her foster son, a tiny gnome named Orpheus, as quaint a littleobject as ever I set eyes on, who played incessantly and mostbeautifully on an old concertina, the very one, in fact, which I nowcarry with me. The little fellow had been found some years before by theold witch wandering near the ruins of an old temple in the very middleof the wood. To whom he belonged, and whence he had come, no oneknew,--not even he himself, perhaps. However, the old girl adopted him,and now nothing could exceed the motherly affection with which sheregarded this dry and shrivelled-up little chap,--unless, indeed, it wasthe ardour with which the grateful gnome returned it. In fact, I learnedsome time afterwards that the old witch had purchased me solely that Imight be a companion for this rum little person.

  SHE NOW MADE OFF TO THE WOODS]

  'The old girl, weird as was her general appearance, did all she could tomake me comfortable,--in fact far more than an ordinary witch would havedreamt of doing,--and in recognition of her well-intentioned attitudetowards myself, I encouraged the spark of friendliness I began to feelfor her. But for her darling son, as soon as I grew accustomed to hisquaint appearance, and realised his kindness of heart and friendlydisposition towards myself, I conceived a great affection. He wouldclimb to the topmost branches of our tree, to practise his exercisesevery morning, in order that I should not be worried with melancholyrepetitions, and, when perfected in some melody, who shall describe theunaffected joy with which he would come down and play it for my delight?How often in the moonlight (I lying on the grass at his side) would heplay over and over again to me some melancholy air, while ourfoster-mother, mayhap, would be sweeping the dead leaves from our abode,and preparing it for our night's repose.

  HE WOULD CLIMB TO THE TOPMOST BRANCHES]

  'Not I alone was gratified and enchanted by his dulcet tones, for allthe creatures of the woodland drew near and listened as night graduallycovered the sky, and he played through his evening pieces.

  And played it for my delight]

  'Elephants hovered around in the shadows of the trees, and sighed greatslobbering sighs. Bullfinches, sparrows, eagles, flamingoes, wild geese,peacocks, turkeys, cranes, pelicans, and every manner of bird, throngedthe branches of the trees, and, with their heads and beaks sunk almostinto their feathers, opened and closed their eyes in theirrapturous surprise. The lions and tigers sprawled about, wishing, inpure shame at their habitual monstrous cruelties, that they had beenvegetarians from the very beginning: such power had the music ofOrpheus. Even the mad-headed monkeys and apes, sitting in rows amongstthe trees, thought, Good heavens! what fools they were! and, blushing attheir childish tricks, wondered if it yet were possible to reform andtake a serious view of life. The old snake, quite overcome andenthralled by the delicious strains, opened wide his jaws, and allowedthe little missel-thrush to nestle therein, and, thus protected from thenight-air, to listen to the music in comfort. However, no lastingreformation was ev
er effected in their untamed natures, for no soonerhad the music ceased than each scurried away, once again to resume hisdepredations and savage ways.

  'It happened one evening that the gnome surpassed himself by hisrendering of some enchanting melodies, and every one was quiteenthralled and rendered almost helpless. The birds sank their heads andbeaks lower and lower into their feathers, as the music proceeded, untilthey were no longer visible. The lions and tigers rolled on their backsin the grass, in an agony of despair at their own unreformable lives:the elephants turned quite white, and trembled so violently that theycould hardly support their own huge bulks and leant against one anotherto prevent themselves coming down with a crash; such a great lump hadrisen in the throat of the giraffe as quite distorted his otherwisegraceful neck; while the monkeys gibbered and blubbered tearfully tothemselves, and the old rascal of a snake slipped right off into atrance.

  'At last the music ceased, and the little musician left me while he wentin to hang up his musical instrument in safety. Meanwhile, in spite ofthe state to which they had been elevated, the absurd creatures had allscurried off, as usual, with no other thought in their savage minds thanto get each his own supper at any cost. The old snake, however, did notrecover as quickly as the others, and when at length he awakened fromhis trance, he could see that all the others had vanished, and that Iwas lying on the grass, quite unprotected, the gnome not having, as yet,returned to my side. "Ha, ha!" said he to himself, his savage naturehaving returned in all its force, "what a slice of luck! By gum! I neversee such a beauty. Won't the youngsters be just delighted!" He rapidlyslithered in my direction and, quickly tying the end of his long formsecurely round me, slithered away again, carrying me through the longgrass at a bewildering speed.

  'After travelling in this rough fashion for some time, we at length cameto a clearing in the heart of the wood, in which stood all that remainedof the ancient temple, and amongst its fallen columns and walls,overgrown as they were with wild flowers and tall grasses, the old snakehad made his home, where he lived in comfort with his wife and a largebrood of pranksome snakelets.

  'We were greeted by the youngsters with every mark of joy and surprise."How good of you, Henry," cried the mother, "and what a really finespecimen! Shall we have him to-night, or keep him for next Tuesday, mybirthday you know, dear?" After a little talk it was decided that Ishould be held over until the next Tuesday, and in the meantime I wasplaced in the larder, and given plenty of odd scraps to eat, no doubt tokeep me plump and in good condition.

  'Tuesday came round in due course and, in order to celebrate the day ina manner suitable to the greatness of the occasion, the old snakeinvited all his neighbours. When I was brought out of the larder, on alarge dish, roars of delight rose to the sky from the throats of theassembled guests, all seated round on the fallen stones of the ruinedtemple.

  'The old lion was there, smacking his lips in anticipation of a nicecut, and the tiger's mouth was visibly watering at the prospect of sucha feast: while, as for the little snakelets, they kept up quite aclamour in their impatience to get at me. The monkeys, of course,contributed their share to the general uproar, though they seemed moreinclined to fasten their eyes on the filberts and almonds with which Iwas garnished. The eagles took the whole thing very seriously and,flapping their great wings, screeched to the sky in their eagerness tobegin; and all the other guests, the giraffes, the zebras, the hippos,the storks, the flamingoes, the wild cats, the pelicans, the wild geese,the peacocks, the turkeys, and every thinkable animal contributing tothe general noise, there was such an awful din that the snake could onlyobtain silence by using the thin end of his long body as a flail on thedrum-like sides of the elephant. He then made a few remarks on theimportance of the occasion, and referred to his wife in quite a gracefulway, for a snake; and, continuing, asked one of the guests to volunteerto carve. The stork, having a very convenient beak for the purpose,stood up and offered his services, which were gratefully accepted.

  'I was now placed on the grass directly in front of the carver, who wasabout to skewer me with his long and sharp beak, when there came to ourears from far away amongst the trees that surrounded us on every side,the sweet harmonies of that lovely song "The Pond where HerbertDrownded," played with the greatest sympathy on the concertina. At oncethe stork turned its head in the direction whence the sound proceeded,and as it gradually drew nearer and nearer I became more and moreconvinced that such music could only be produced by my friend andfoster-brother.

  'All the creatures in varying degrees were affected; the snake and hiswife coiled themselves on the grass and gasped in rapture; the stork andall the birds closed their eyes, and their heads sank lower and lowerinto their fluffy bodies, until like balls of feathers they rolled overand lay trembling in the grass.

  SWEEPING THE DEAD LEAVES]

  'The lion and tiger were so overcome that they leant their old heads ontheir paws and sobbed aloud, while the monkeys grew fidgety and quiteself-conscious at first, and then abandoned themselves to the melancholyaroused by the music.

  'The gnome, whom I afterwards learnt had been wandering about the woodplaying mournful airs on his concertina ever since he had missed me, nowdrew near, and finishing "The Pond where Herbert Drownded" proceededwith "Poor Molly Dawson" and other tunes of an equally affectingnature. On seeing that all were sufficiently bowled over, he struck upwith "Oh, Jack, he was a Bright Spark," and so lively and brisk was themeasure that up they all jumped and danced and danced with the greatestspirit.

  'The strangest figure of all was cut by the old snake who pirouetted onthe end of his tail at the greatest speed, in which weird performance hewas soon joined by his wife. The eagle extended his wings and waltzedwith the elephant; the lion and tiger spun round, holding each other bythe paw, so quickly that it was almost impossible to see them; the oldturtle rolled over on the back of its shell and span like a teetotum,with the silly monkeys linking hands and in one wide ring skippingaround it; in fact, all got up and jumped and lumped and sprawled aboutin the most ridiculous fashion until they were quite out of breath.Nevertheless, Orpheus would not let them rest, but marched off playingthe most exciting music, and all the infatuated creatures, quiteforgetful of their banquet, followed him through the wood. Strangeenough, in all conscience, was this, but how much stranger by far was itwhen the very stones of the ruin leapt up, and rolling over and over,also followed in this odd procession as it tramped and crashed throughthe trees.

  'From where I was seated on the dish I could hear the sounds of themusic gradually fading away, as the musician led the noisy crew furtherand further off; the crash of the falling branches and the crackle ofthe breaking underwood died down in the distance and I knew that I wassaved.

  WITH NO OTHER WEALTH THAN MY CONCERTINA]

  'The little gnome led the bewitched creatures such a dance through thewood that one by one they fell down in a state of collapse, and when thelast was quite overcome, the faithful fellow returned to the temple andcarried me home.

  'Never again did they leave me alone for a single second until I wasable to take care of myself, and I spent the years of my boyhood ingreat happiness with these two simple and kindly souls. Brother Orpheustook no end of pains in teaching me to play the concertina and, eagerto learn, I soon became proficient. But, dear lads, clever as you knowme to be, never could I even approach the skill of my good and patientmaster.

  'In the course of time the old witch had to die, and the grief of herlittle foster son was so great at his loss that, try as I would, I couldnot in any way lighten it. One day soon after I missed the little man,and he never returned again. All that he left behind him for me toremember him by was his old concertina.

  'I waited by the tree for many a long day, still thinking that he wouldreturn, until I was compelled at last to abandon all hope of ever seeinghim again. I wandered out into the world with no other wealth than myconcertina, but how often since have I had to bless the memory of mylittle friend who thus endowed me with the means of sub
sistence, and, atthe same time, with a protection against all manner of evil.'

  tailpiece]

  * * * * *

  THE LOST GROCER]

  headpiece]