Twice Shy

by Sally Malcolm

Ollie was already at the school when Joel arrived to help set up for the festival. At least, his—Joel’s—car was parked out front. The sight of two car seats fixed in the back gave Joel pause as he walked past, his stomach clenching with an emotion he couldn’t quite pinpoint. Envy, longing, regret? Something.

  Things had been odd between them since the evening he’d spent at Ollie’s apartment, and Joel couldn’t shake the feeling he’d made a mistake in walking away when he had. But if he’d stayed? If he’d stayed, he might have taken Ollie in his arms, might have gazed into those lovely brown eyes and kissed him. And then what?

  Even the thought of it made him anxious, a thrum of panic beating its wings. He’d been right to leave, but there’d been something forlorn in Ollie’s eyes that night, something hopeless, that Joel had made himself ignore at the time but that had haunted him ever since. It was disrupting his hard-earned contentment, had left him antsy and unsettled for the past two weeks. These were exactly the reasons why he avoided any kind of romantic entanglement. He wasn’t even involved with Ollie and look what it was doing to him.

  He’d said as much to Amy at their last meeting.

  “Not involved?” She’d lifted an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

  And she’d been right, of course. Just because nothing physical had happened between them, Joel was emotionally involved. He thought about Ollie a lot. Whenever his mind was idle, it would return to Ollie and the boys and how they were doing. When he’d opened Ollie’s refrigerator and seen it all but bare, he’d understood how close to the wire things were for Ollie. Hand to mouth, literally. It made him mad. Furious, in fact. Although who he was furious with, he didn’t know. The asshole trucker who’d wiped out Rory’s and Luis’s parents and put this enormous burden on Ollie? The kids’ grandparents who made Ollie think he couldn’t ask for help?

  I’m fine. I can manage.

  He was not fine.

  Or maybe Joel was angry with himself. Because something had almost happened between them, and if it had, maybe he could have been there for Ollie. Helped him somehow. But Joel had pulled back, too afraid to go forward.

  “Hey!”

  He glanced around, realizing he’d stopped walking and had been staring blindly at his car. Alyssa was climbing out of her own vehicle, her husband in tow. They’d only met a couple of times, but Cam seemed like a nice guy. Quiet and bookish, he was quite different to Alyssa, a little shy, even. Joel waved to them both. Winter was on full-approach now and the day was cold, a damp penetrating wind blowing off the ocean and both Alyssa and Cam were dressed for the weather. Although most of the Fall Festival would be held inside, the grill and haystack maze would be on the sports field. Joel and Ollie would be on the grill; Alyssa and Cam were running the maze. Jackie, of course, would be on the microphone inside where it was warm.

  “Ready for today?” he said as he wheeled his bike over.

  Alyssa rolled her eyes. “I’m layered up and have a hot toddy in my hipflask.”

  “I’m pretty sure that’s coffee,” Cam said, locking their car with a bleep.

  “That’s what you think.” They shared a smile, private and amused, and Joel felt a pang of longing. He missed that, the easy intimacy between partners. Of course, when it all went wrong…

  “So, I hear you’re loaning Ollie your car,” Alyssa said as they headed into the school. “That’s good of you.”

  He shrugged, trying to sound casual. “I don’t really use it, and he was in quite the predicament.”

  “Yeah, still.” She paused as they walked, looked up at him with overt curiosity. “It’s nice that you’re friends.”

  “We’re not really.” But his cheeks were warming betrayingly. “I mean, we get on, but we don’t—”

  Alyssa put a hand on his arm. “None of my business,” she said, which was frustrating because there really wasn’t anything to tell. So why did she assume there was? Had Ollie said something? No, why would he? What was there to say?

  Still mulling over that thought, he locked up his bike and headed into the school hall, which was a hive of frantic activity. All kinds of stalls were set up around the edge, some run by kids selling cupcakes or holiday ornaments they’d been making in class, others run by local crafts people keen to get in on the seasonal spending spree. Jackie commanded operations with a master plan in hand, dispatching orders like a general.

  But there was no sign of Ollie.

  “Mr. Morgan, hello!” Jackie strode over. She was dressed head to toe in orange, with ears of corn pinned artfully into her hair. “My other half’s setting up the grill. Do be a darling and help out.”

  What he wanted to ask was whether Ollie was around, but he bit back the question. He didn’t want to fuel rumors. Instead, he made his way across the hall to the fire escape doors that, today, stood open to the sports field. At least the trees surrounding it blocked the worst of the wind, but the air was still dank as he stepped outside.

  Jackie’s ‘other half’—Joel believed his name was Bill—was crouching in front of a gas canister fiddling with the valve. And at the table set up behind the grill stood Ollie, setting out bottles of ketchup, mustard, and mayo while Luis played at his feet.

  Joel’s stomach gave an embarrassing flip—perhaps, even a somersault—at the sight of him. He was dressed in a heavy winter coat that broadened his shoulders, and a dark woolen hat pulled low over his ears. From beneath it, his curls peeked out, looking dark in the colorless light but setting off the cold flush at the tip of his nose and the dark raspberry of his lips.

  Beautiful. The word slipped into Joel’s mind before he could censor it, but that’s how Ollie looked to him. Beautiful. He hadn’t seen Joel arrive, but looked up now, perhaps aware of being watched. His smile hovered uncertainly.

  “Hey.” Joel lifted his hand in a wave. A wave? Ugh.

  “Hey. I’m just…” Ollie indicated the condiments.

  “Right.”

  It was awkward. Last time they’d met, they’d almost kissed. Or something. Then Joel had fled and now here they were.

  “There she goes!” Jackie’s other half announced. He pushed to his feet with a grunt of effort, smiling in satisfaction as the grill leaped into life. Joel could already feel the heat, which today would be welcome. “Any problems let me know.”

  “Sure,” Ollie said. “Thanks, uh—”

  “Bill,” Joel supplied.

  Their eyes made fleeting contact and they smiled, then Ollie looked down and got back to unloading grocery sacks. Perhaps it was the cold, but his face looked paler today and his lashes darker. Or maybe Joel was just noticing these things more, cataloguing. Appreciating.

  “Right.” Time to snap out of whatever spell Ollie was weaving. “What needs doing?”

  What needed doing was pretty much everything, and in double-quick time. That was lucky because it kept them busy and the awkward silences to a minimum. And by the time their customers started arriving, they were ready.

  They took turns grilling and serving until Rory appeared in the hall doorway. “Ollie! I need my costume.”

  “Already?” Ollie pulled out his phone and checked the time. “Right, yes you do.” He flicked a glance at Joel. “Can you manage? The kids are in the costume parade and I need to get them ready.”

  “Go ahead, I think the rush is over.”

  About half an hour later, kids and parents began piling out of the hall. The parade was taking place on the sports field, walking around the outside of the haystack maze, and Joel smiled at the sight of all the different costumes—witches, cats, mice, various super heroes. His smile broadened into a grin when he saw Rory step carefully out of the hall dressed as a scarecrow, Ollie following holding the hand of an adorable pumpkin-shaped Luis.

  “Awesome costume, Rory!” Joel called from behind the grill.

  Rory gave a big grin, but it was Ollie’s half-swallowed smile that pierced him. God, he was gorgeous today. And Joel was losing it. Seriously losing all sense of self-preservation. He
couldn’t stop watching as the boys lined up with the other kids, Ollie standing nearby encouraging Rory to hold Luis’s hand and taking photos on his phone. Joel felt a swell of… Hell, what was that feeling? Pride? Affection? Longing? Something ballooning in his chest, compressing his lungs. Stinging his eyes.

  “Cute, huh?” Startled, he turned around and found Alyssa watching him with sparkling amusement. “The kids, I mean.”

  “Uh, yeah. They all look great.”

  “Hmm,” she said, smilingly. “Can you spare a couple of burgers for the starving over at the maze?”

  He thought it best not to respond to that thoughtful ‘Hmm’ and focused on serving up food for Alyssa and Cam. “Is Dalia in the parade?” he asked, handing them over.

  “Are you kidding? It’s ‘so lame’, apparently. I mean, she’s twelve now, right? Practically a teenager.”

  “I guess she is practically a teenager.”

  Alyssa sighed. “I know. But why do they want to grow up so fast? I mean, it sucks being a teenager, right?”

  “You know what they say, youth is wasted on the young.”

  “You’re telling me.” She gathered up the burgers and grinned. “Enjoy the view—of the parade.”

  He just shook his head, not knowing how to respond, and afraid to look in Ollie’s direction again. Had his tongue been hanging out, or something? How were his feelings so obvious?

  But even so, he couldn’t help watching as the parade got going. Jackie provided commentary—‘What an adorable pumpkin. And is that Superman? Oh, it’s Captain America? Okay, that’s a great Captain America!’—and all the kids walked around the maze and parents snapped photos. Rory and Luis were, in Joel’s opinion, easily the cutest kids in the parade. He conceded to himself that he might be biased, but despite their cuteness his gaze was fixed more on Ollie than the kids. He’d run around to the far side of the maze, taking pictures as the parade walked towards him. So full of energy and enthusiasm and love for those kids. Giving them all he could, all he had. Sacrificing everything for them. Joel found his throat tightening and he had to look away.

  Get a grip. Get ahold of yourself.

  When he fell, he fell hard. That’s how it had been with Isaac in college, it’s how it had been with Helen—and look how they’d both turned out. He knew he had to be careful, had to protect himself.

  Problem was, he was afraid it might already be too late.

  Everyone was clapping, cheering and whooping as the kids finally made it back to the start and a couple of the PTA moms were handing out candies to the kids who’d walked in the parade.

  “No,” he could hear Ollie saying as he, Rory, and Luis headed back towards the grill. “You can have it after you’ve eaten your sandwich and that’s final, Rory.”

  “But it’s not fair.”

  “It’s perfectly fair. And if you keep this up, you won’t have it at all.” He gave Joel an apologetic look, as if it was somehow his fault that Rory was a six-year-old.

  “You guys looked great out there,” Joel said, hoping to distract them. “Fantastic costumes.”

  “I’m a punkin,” Luis said.

  “Yes, you are.” Joel laughed; he hadn’t heard Luis speak so well before. “You’re a real cute pumpkin.”

  “He can’t say pumpkin right,” Rory said, the world-weary older brother. “He says punkin.”

  “Well, he’s learning. That’s okay.” Joel glanced at Ollie, nodding towards the burgers in query. Ollie equivocated for a moment, and then shrugged and nodded. “Hey,” Joel said to Rory, “you want a burger before you have your candy?”

  “Can I?” He looked up at Ollie.

  “Go on. Special Fall Festival treat. But you need to eat your carrot sticks too.”

  “I will.”

  With the parade over, people were beginning to head back inside and, Joel suspected, head home. The field was emptying out by the time Ollie got Rory and Luis settled to eat their lunch on the grass—a scarecrow eating a burger, and a pumpkin munching on finger-sized cheese sandwiches. Adorable.

  “You want a burger too, Ollie?” Joel smiled uncertainly, aware of the unresolved tension between them and wanting to ease it. “We’ve got a few going spare.”

  Ollie’s eyes met his, warm but cautious. “Sure,” he said, blowing on his chilly hands as he came to join him at the grill. “Actually, I’m starving.”

  Given that they were cheap grocery store burgers, they tasted pretty good. But maybe that was the company. They both tucked in, watching the kids eat, and after the awkwardness of earlier it felt…comfortable. Right.

  And the wind started rushing past Joel’s ears as he fell faster and faster.

  “I’m full,” Rory announced eventually, holding up his half-eaten burger. “I don’t want any more.”

  “I guess it was a big burger,” Ollie conceded. “Bring it here, I’ll finish it.”

  “Can I have my candy now?”

  Ollie gave an arch smile. “You’ve got room for candy, huh? I thought you were full.”

  “I’m full for burger,” Rory explained, as if Ollie was being deliberately obtuse. “But I’m not full for candy.”

  “Uh-huh,” Ollie said. “Tell you what, let’s get you out of this costume and go find Mateo. Then, when you guys go to Mateo’s house later, you can take your candy with you. How about that? Give your burger time to go down.”

  Rory wasn’t convinced by the deal but when it became clear that Ollie wasn’t changing his mind, Rory let himself be led inside to change. Ollie dithered for a moment, watching Luis who was still working happily on his lunch. Joel said, “I’ll watch him, if you like.”

  “Is that okay?” Ollie’s grateful smile was devastating, a bright flash in his lovely brown eyes. “I won’t be long.”

  Keeping one eye on Luis, Joel began to clear up. The exodus was faster now, and soon he saw Alyssa and Cam walking back from the haystack maze carrying signage and a couple of plastic school chairs. They both looked cold but were still smiling. Relationship goal, he thought, as he watched them laughing. He didn’t know how long they’d been together, but Nia was sixteen, so it was at least that long. Helen had been Joel’s longest relationship, at eight years in total. And looking back, he wasn’t sure they’d ever had the easy closeness he saw between Alyssa and Cam.

  Something tugged at his foot and he looked down to see Luis playing with his shoelaces. “That again, huh?” He crouched, smiling into Luis’s wide eyes. “Let’s see if we can find something better to do.” Picking him up, he moved out from behind the grill to meet Alyssa and Cam. “You guys heading home?”

  “Yeah, we’re gonna skip out without Jackie noticing. We can’t stay for clear up tonight, Nia’s got a party and we’re on taxi duty. Also”—she held out her hands, her fingertips pale—“literally frozen stiff.”

  Cam rubbed her shoulder. “How’d you guys do over here? Sell much?”

  “Not bad,” Joel said. Luis squirmed, and he shifted him, readjusting him on his hip. “We had some help from these guys.”

  Alyssa grinned and reached out to chuck Luis under his chin. “Bet you were a real help, huh?”

  “I’m a punkin,” Luis told her.

  She laughed. “You’re adorable, is what you are.” Her eyes flashed to Joel, bright and curious, but all she said was, “Enjoy the rest of your weekend.”

  A little later, Ollie came back and between them they got all the left-over food packed away and carried back into the hall. The tables were stored in the PTA shed at the bottom of the sports field, so they needed to put them away soon because the afternoon was darkening fast under heavy clouds and there was no lighting down there.

  “It won’t take long,” Ollie assured Joel when he voiced his concerns about them blundering about in the dark. “Rory and Luis are going home with Mateo and Elena for a play date, so I’ll be unencumbered for the rest of the afternoon. We’ll manage it between us.”

  Joel tried not to react to the idea of Ollie being ‘unencumbe
red’, of having his undivided attention, but he could feel his cheeks heat and hoped Ollie didn’t notice in the dusky light.

  While Ollie saw the kids off, Joel began cleaning the grill. Not a pleasant job, but he wasn’t one for mañana: future him would appreciate not having to clean the grill before the next event. He’d almost finished when Ollie hopped out of the school hall, jumping down the single step with a boyish smile. He looked different, energized. Free, Joel realized. He looked like a young man with a couple of hours to himself and it made Joel smile and his chest ache at the same time.

  “What needs doing?” Ollie said, strolling over to the grill. “You made short work of that.”

  “It needs to cool down a little more before we pack it away,” he said. “Let’s get the tables into the shed first.” The breakdown had started inside the hall, too, and people were bringing their folded-up tables outside, stacking them against the wall. They were heavy, but Joel and Ollie could manage a couple between them and started carrying them across the grass to the cluttered PTA shed until they had a pile on the grass outside.

  “Jackie really needs to clear this place out,” Joel said, venturing inside.

  Ollie followed cautiously. “What’s even in here?”

  “About a decade’s worth of crap.” He directed Ollie’s attention to a freaky cut out of a clown with gaping red lips. “You were meant to throw water balloons into its mouth, but it gave half the kids nightmares. They only used it once.”

  Ollie laughed—a low, sexy chuckle that made Joel feel warm all over. “Truly terrifying,” he confirmed.

  What was in the other boxes and crates Joel didn’t know, possibly nobody knew. But a gloomy late November afternoon was not the time to find out. “The tables go over here,” he said. “If you start passing them in, I’ll stack.”

  Between them, it didn’t take long. Which was lucky because the light was fading fast and the golden glow from the school didn’t reach them in the shed. Neither did the noise. Surrounded by rustling trees and the distant roar of the surf, a silence fell between them as they worked. Comfortable but weighted, expectant.