Twice Shy

by Sally Malcolm

  “Hey.”

  He jerked his eyes away from Luca and found Joel watching him with an unreadable expression. “Sorry, I was…” Debating whether my secret half-brother wants to let me into his life. Yeah, that was a story for another day. Not that it was his story to tell, not yet. As far as Ollie was concerned, the truth about his relationship to Luca was Luca’s secret to keep or reveal in his own time; this was his home town, after all, and these were his family and friends. Ollie plastered on a smile, rubbing at his sandy eyes with the heel of one hand. “Are we all set up?”

  “I reckon so.” Joel’s attention shifted to Dee’s stand. “You sure you don’t want that coffee? You look dead on your feet.”

  Ollie glanced back at Luca. He was laughing at something Theo was saying, easy and affectionate. He felt a pang of envy and looked away. “Now that you mention it…” The sleepless night was catching up fast and he felt weary to the core. Not just sleepy but dog tired.

  “Hazelnut latte?” Joel suggested, coming out from behind the stall.

  Up closer, Ollie could see warmth in his eyes again. He wished he could just lean in for a moment, feel Joel’s arms around him. “Let me give you some money—”

  “My treat.” Joel hesitated, poised on the cusp of saying something more, and then shook his head. “Won’t be long.”

  Ollie watched him join the line behind Luca. For a moment he indulged his imagination and pictured them together as his family: a partner, and a brother—two brothers, including Theo. A second father and two uncles for Rory and Luis. His heart gave a hard, hopeful kick.

  Fuck, he really must be sleep deprived; he was dreaming on his feet.

  ∞∞∞

  Joel’s emotions were a snarled knot.

  He could feel eyes on him the whole time, watching for clues about his feelings for Ollie. And, oh boy, did he have feelings for Ollie. Strong, frightening feelings that he didn’t want to share with the whole world, thank you very much. It didn’t help that Ollie looked so weary today, or that Joel longed to hug him but didn’t dare. Not in public, with people watching. Which made him feel crappy and craven.

  But ‘people’ weren’t the only ones doing the watching. Ollie’s gaze was fixed on Luca Moretti. Again. Every time the man showed up, Ollie’s attention gravitated toward him. Not that Moretti wasn’t a nice-looking guy, but there was something about the way Ollie studied him that went beyond attraction. He wondered again whether they knew each other better than either were letting on. And, more worryingly, whether Ollie saw in Moretti something he needed. Something missing in Joel.

  Standing in line behind Moretti and his fiancé as they ordered their drinks, he watched Moretti’s hand resting affectionately on the small of Theo’s back. Was that what fascinated Ollie? Moretti’s openness and authenticity? Well, why wouldn’t he want that in a partner? Why wouldn’t he want to be with someone more like himself? Someone overtly gay.

  Joel’s heart gave an uneasy triple beat, as if it had frightened itself. Helen had wanted to be with someone more like herself, hadn’t she? Someone overtly straight.

  He glanced back at the stand where Ollie was finessing the display. As he watched, Ollie’s attention shifted in the direction of Dee’s stand, but Joel couldn’t tell whether he was looking at him or at Moretti.

  “Let me guess,” Dee said when Joel finally reached the counter. “One skinny and one hazelnut latte?”

  Joel forced a smile and handed over his reusable coffee cup. Could Dee be the source of the rumors? She certainly spoke to enough people, and she’d seen them together after the beach fun run. They’d been flirting in her coffee shop that afternoon. “Yes, please,” he said. “Mr. Snow and I are running the PTA stand together. Jackie’s up at the school.”

  Dee chuckled. “I bet she is. I hear Josh and Finn are helping with the choir?”

  “That’s right.” He relaxed at the change of subject. “It’s nice for the kids, huh?”

  “Oh, Josh always loved teaching up at the school,” Dee said as she busied herself making his order. “I think he misses it despite his fancy new Hollywood lifestyle.”

  “Maybe he misses it because of his fancy Hollywood lifestyle?” Joel could imagine that the pressures of a high octane LA life were similar to the ones he’d left behind in Manhattan. One thing the past four years had taught him was that success and contentment were two very different beasts, and he wouldn’t go back to his old life for all the money on Wall Street.

  Dee snapped the lid onto his cup. “But you only have to see them together to know they’re happy. Find the right person, everything else falls into place.”

  “Until it falls apart.” He surprised himself by saying that out loud.

  “If it falls apart it’s because it wasn’t the right person to begin with.” Dee held his gaze as she pushed their drinks towards him over the counter. “That’s six dollars, flat.”

  He paid, considering her advice while he waited for change. Helen had felt like the right person to him, but in the end he hadn’t been the right person for her. “How can you know?” he said, when she handed him his change. “How can you ever know who the right person is?”

  “You can’t. It’s a leap of faith.”

  “Leaps of faith tend to leave you flat on your face.”

  “But sometimes you fly.” Her gaze flicked to where Ollie stood behind their stand. “If you don’t leap, you’ll never know which way it’s going to go.”

  “I prefer to keep my feet on the ground,” he said, picking up their coffees. “It’s safer that way.”

  “I guess you think so.”

  He was still trying to figure out whether he’d just been insulted when he got back to the stand. Luis was sleeping in his stroller and Ollie looked about ready to join him, but he smiled gratefully at the sight of the coffee. “Thanks,” he said, deliberately brushing his fingers over Joel’s hand as he took the cup.

  Even that small touch thrilled him, yet he couldn’t help glancing around uneasily and pulling his hand away before someone saw. Not that anyone was watching—no one except Ollie. His mouth tightened but he didn’t comment, just wrapped both hands around his cup and turned to survey the market. It was filling up now, plenty of parents eager to see their children performing. Joel felt an apology form on his lips but swallowed it back down because he wasn’t sorry. They needed to be careful if they wanted to keep their private life private, here of all places.

  Something was going on near the entrance to the market, people gathering and a rising buzz of conversation. He looked over and Ollie said, “Hey Rory, I think Santa might be on his way.”

  “Santa? Where? I can’t see.”

  “C’mere.” Ollie set his coffee down and lifted Rory onto his shoulders. “See anything?”

  “Yes! It’s him. He’s here! Hi Santa!” Ollie laughed, and they made such a perfect picture together that Joel wished he could reach out and touch. He wanted to squeeze Ollie’s shoulder, cover his hand where he had a firm grip of Rory’s ankle. He yearned to be part of what they had together.

  A family.

  His stomach lurched at the realization. He’d wanted that with Helen, longed for it so badly it had destroyed him when the possibility had been ripped away. What the hell was he doing looking for it again?

  He must have been staring because Ollie looked over, a question in his eyes. “Okay?”

  “Yeah.” No. He was risking everything he’d worked for since Helen left, overturning his hard-won emotional equanimity and replacing it with sharp spikes of happiness and deep troughs of longing. What the hell was he doing, falling for a guy who couldn’t keep his eyes off another man?

  “Nobody saw that,” Ollie said quietly, referring to their brief brush of fingers. “You don’t have to worry.”

  Joel shook his head, staring out across the crowds. “It’s not that.”

  Santa and an overgrown elf were leading the parade, followed by children in Santa hats and reindeer antlers, all singing Jingle
Bells. He spotted Jackie in full Mrs. Claus regalia at the back, walking between Josh Newton and Finn Callaghan.

  Ollie sighed, shifting restlessly next to him. “Then what?”

  Joel opened his mouth to explain. It’s that I’m falling in love with you, it’s that I’m afraid I won’t be enough.

  But he couldn’t say that, so he said nothing at all.

  So much for keeping his feet on the ground. Turned out he was already in freefall and with no idea whether he was going to take flight or die on impact.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Luis wasn’t too sure at first,” Ollie said, showing Joel the photo on his phone. “He kinda stood near Santa rather than sat next to him, but it came out great. Look at Rory’s face…”

  “Cute.” Joel was packing up their stand, not that there was a whole lot to pack away. Most parents had stopped by and obligingly bought their own child’s decoration, so it was just a case of folding up the empty boxes and returning the cash box to Alyssa. Joel’s expression when he stopped to look at the photo was intent but reserved, difficult to read. And Ollie was too tired to try; he felt like he was fraying at the edges.

  “Anyway, I need to take the boys home before they get overtired. I guess we’re pretty much done here?”

  “Yes, we’re done.”

  A beat passed, then another. Ollie had the unpleasant feeling he was talking about more than their time on the stand. Joel had been distant and uptight all afternoon, clearly awkward about being seen together in public. Whatever. Ollie was too tired to deal with it now. “Okay,” he said testily. “Well, I guess I’ll see you around.” He maneuvered the stroller out from behind the stall. “Rory, come on, we’re—”

  “Wait.” Joel caught him by the hand, stopping him. His expression twisted. “Maybe we could—?” He stopped abruptly and snatched his hand from Ollie’s as if he’d been burned.

  “Mr. Morgan, Ollie!” Jackie called from somewhere behind them. “Look who I’ve found.”

  Ollie turned to find her leading two men towards them—from his square-jawed, central casting good looks he guessed that one of them must be Finn Callaghan. But it was the sight of Luca Moretti trailing along behind that made Ollie’s pulse quicken.

  “This is Finn Callaghan and Josh Newton,” Jackie trilled. “Finn’s invited us all to a Christmas party, isn’t that marvelous?” She gave an honest to God giggle. “When I say all of us, I mean the PTA committee, naturally. Not all the parents.”

  To his credit, Finn Callaghan’s expression remained polite and friendly in the face of Jackie’s excitement. “It’s actually my brother’s party,” he told Ollie. “Sean and Tejana hold it every year—and you guys are definitely welcome. It’s pretty fun, right, Luca?”

  Ollie’s heart kicked hard as Luca smiled blandly and said, “Absolutely.”

  “Is it—?” Stupidly, Ollie’s mouth went dry talking to Luca. “Is it at the Majestic?”

  Luca glanced at him, not hostile but not friendly. Ambivalent. “No, it’s up at Hanworth Hall. On the other side of the bay.”

  “Oh, the Newton mansion?”

  “My family used to own it,” Josh explained. “But it’s Sean and Tejana’s now.” Then his gaze drifted past Ollie and he said, “Hey Joel, it’s nice to see you again.”

  “Josh.” Joel came forward and they shook hands. “Thanks for helping out today, the kids were really excited to have you visiting.”

  Josh gave a self-deprecating laugh. “My pleasure. I love doing it. But I’m sure it’s Finn they’re excited to see.”

  Finn nudged his arm. “Shut up,” he said affectionately. “It’s all ‘Mr. Newton, Mr. Newton!’ when we go in there.”

  “He’s right,” Joel said. “Plenty of them still remember you, Josh. And nobody plays piano like you.”

  “That’s a fact,” Finn said, smiling.

  Involuntarily, Ollie stole a glance at Joel to see what he made of the open affection between the two men. What he was thinking, Ollie couldn’t tell, but his gaze was certainly locked on them.

  “Well, I guess we’ll see you guys at the party?” Finn said, pulling Ollie out of his thoughts.

  “Yeah, thanks for the invite. It sounds great.” And then, with a deep breath, he turned to Luca and added, “Maybe see you there too?”

  Luca blinked. “Sure,” he said neutrally. “I’ll be there.”

  “Cool.” Ollie swallowed hard, fighting to act casual. It was a little step, sure, but they’d had a conversation. That had to be a good sign, right?

  As Jackie led her captive guests away, Ollie watched Luca split off and disappear into the crowd. Luca, his brother, who’d talked to him today.

  “I can see why you like him.” Joel’s curt words cut through Ollie’s elation.

  He blinked at him. “What?”

  “Moretti. I can see why you like him, you’re both very similar. More than—” He broke off, staring out over the crowd, jaw set.

  Pleasure and alarm set Ollie’s pulse racing. He didn’t think there was a strong family resemblance, but had Joel guessed? It would be a relief to be able to talk about it, and if Joel had guessed the truth, it wouldn’t be the same as Ollie revealing the secret himself. Cautiously, he said, “Similar how?”

  Joel didn’t look at him, still staring at the milling crowd. “Gay and out,” he said shortly, gaze fixed on Finn and Josh taking a selfie with a couple of young fans. “All of you. Poster boys for gay pride.”

  “Poster boys…?” Ollie rocked back in disbelief, his hopes of a moment ago draining away. “You mean actually—gasp—hanging out with our boyfriends in public without jumping a mile if anyone looks at us twice?”

  Joel fell silent, lips pressed tight.

  And suddenly Ollie was done. “I’m too tired for this,” he said, with a glance at Rory, still playing with the model airplane he’d gotten from Santa. “I’m going home.”

  “Ollie…”

  He ignored him. “Rory, let’s go.”

  “But I don’t wanna go…”

  “You want to watch the Muppet Christmas Carol when we get home?”

  As always, bribery got results. But Ollie had only taken a couple of steps before Joel called after him. “Ollie, wait.”

  He stopped, closed his gritty eyes, listening but not turning around.

  “I’m sorry,” Joel said, his voice low but urgent. Sincere. “I shouldn’t have said— I’m acting like an a-hole.”

  Yes, he was. “I’m tired, Joel. I just want to sleep.”

  “Okay.” A pause. “Yeah, okay, get some sleep. I’ll… I’ll message you later?”

  He didn’t turn around, despite the catch in Joel’s voice. “Whatever you like.” Stupidly, he felt his eyes get hot and prickly. Had to be because he was so tired, that was all.

  He drove home on autopilot, half-listening to Rory’s babble from the backseat, and guiltily sat the kids in front of the TV while he shoved dinner in the oven: fish sticks and fries. And that was another compromise, wasn’t it? Another crappy meal. But if he got them both fed and asleep by seven o’clock, he’d call it a victory. It was all he could manage tonight, and what the hell did that say about him as a parent?

  But there was a beer in the fridge, left over from Joel’s last visit, and the promise of that and an early night got him through the bath and bedtime routine. By the time he’d finished the next chapter of Rory’s book—eyelids drooping—he could have cried with relief.

  In a ringing silence he stood in the living room gazing around at the kids’ dinner plates on the floor in front of the TV, his unmade sofa-bed, and the heap of laundry he hadn’t done this morning left crumpled in a corner. Chaos. Christ, he should be more on top of things; the boys shouldn’t have to live like this. For a moment he couldn’t move, couldn’t decide between sleeping or eating or picking up the mess. Couldn’t do anything.

  And then his phone pinged with an incoming message.

  Joel: Hey

  Ollie stared at it, watched the d
ancing dots indicating that Joel was writing more.

  I’m sorry about today. You were tired and I should have been a better friend. Hope you have a quiet evening and a good night’s sleep. xx

  Ollie perched on one of the dining chairs and studied the screen through his weary eyes. He’d been irritated earlier, disappointed by Joel’s behavior. No denying that. But now, sitting in his quiet apartment, he simply felt lonely. He typed out: It’s okay. I understand why you want to keep things low-key between us. I wasn’t in a great mood today, tbh. Can see why they use sleep deprivation as a torture…

  He hadn’t even set his phone down before Joel replied: Say no if you want to, but could I come over? Won’t keep you up late.

  Ollie hesitated. He really was shattered, but the thought of making up with Joel after their fractious afternoon felt much better than the prospect of sinking that cold beer alone. Hesitating over his reply, he finally settled on: Okay. But I won’t be up for much more than a cuddle :)

  When Joel didn’t immediately reply, Ollie pushed to his feet and was halfway into the kitchen when he heard a knock at the door. He didn’t get evening callers, so his stomach fluttered hopefully as he trudged downstairs to the hallway and peeked through the peephole. Smiling, he opened the door. “That was quick.”

  Joel stood on the doorstep wearing a rueful smile and holding a takeout bag. “I wasn’t being presumptuous,” he said. “Just hopeful.”

  Stepping back, Ollie invited him in. As he did so, the hallway filled with the aroma of warm spices—Thai food?—and the crisp woodsmoke scent of a fall evening that clung to Joel’s coat. The combination hit Ollie like a wall. He hadn’t realized how tense he’d been all day until something inside him simply unclenched and twenty-four hours of strain flowed out of him. A weary smile curved his lips. “That smells amazing.”