“We’re having a romp on the beach!” He grinned, eyes bright and cheeks flushed pink with the cold. Unlike Ollie, Rory’s ears were hidden beneath a woolly hat and his little hands were snug in mittens. “Will you romp with us?”
“I, um…” Ollie hovered at the edge of his awareness and when Joel looked, he saw him staring out to sea. The wind blew his curls back from his face and he hunched into his jacket, looking cold. Joel pushed to his feet. “Let me speak to Ollie first, okay?”
“Swing me?” Rory said, tugging on his hand.
“Maybe later. Hey, Luis.” The toddler had come to investigate, bundled up in a snow suit against the wind. Only Ollie kept his distance, but he wasn’t so far away that Joel missed the clench of his jaw. He needed to speak to him, but not with the kids around. “Hey, you know what?” he said to Rory. “I saw some driftwood over there. See that pile, up by the dunes? Why don’t you guys go see if you can bring me back a really big piece. I’m just going to talk to Ollie, then I’ll come look.”
Rory didn’t look one hundred percent convinced by this game, but Joel had used his teacher voice and Rory did as he was told, Luis doing his best to keep up on his stubby legs. Keeping one eye on them, Joel edged closer to Ollie. He still hadn’t turned away from the ocean, his face pale, freckles standing out across the bridge of his nose and along his cheekbones. Bleached of color by the winter light, there wasn’t even a hint of auburn in his dark hair.
“Why didn’t you tell me Luca’s your brother?” It was difficult to speak quietly over the buffeting wind; he felt like he was shouting.
Ollie pressed his lips together. “Who told you that?”
“Theo. But why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because it’s none of your business.”
“But I could have helped you!”
Ollie’s eyes blazed. “I didn’t need your help.”
That stung. “Okay. Fine. I thought—” He swallowed the words, or tried to, but his throat was thick and painful. “Right.”
“Why did you assume I was fucking him?”
The harsh word jolted him, didn’t sound right from Ollie somehow, and Joel’s eyes darted towards the kids. But they were well out of earshot. “Because you hid—”
“You thought I was a cheat. Unreliable. Promiscuous. Flighty. Oh, I’ve heard them all, Joel, don’t worry.” He turned to face him, the wind whipping his hair into his eyes, “I know exactly what you think of me.”
“You don’t know anything.”
“I know you didn’t trust me.”
“I—” The wind seemed to steal his words, rip them from his lips before he could speak. “You didn’t trust me. You could have told me any time about Luca, but you—”
“It wasn’t my secret to tell!”
Helplessly, Joel put out a hand towards him. “Look. Okay, I’m sorry about what I said, but Theo—”
“No buts, Joel. You don’t trust me. You…you think I’m a liar. You think I’d screw a guy who’s engaged to someone else.” He shoved his hands into his wild hair, pushing it out of his eyes. “That really fucking hurts.”
“I don’t—” Joel’s voice gave way. “That’s not what I think.”
“It’s what you thought last night.”
“Ollie, please…”
“No.” He backed up. “No, Joel. I have enough shit going on in my life without this. I don’t need—”
His voice cracked, and Joel’s heart cracked with it. A different kind of pain now, not the fear of being left but the fear of deserving to be left. The fear that he’d screwed everything up. “I’m sorry,” he said desperately. “I was wrong. I should have given you a chance to explain—”
“No! Christ, don’t you get it? I shouldn’t have to explain. You should have trusted me. Period. Fuck, Joel, I had to fight through the courts to prove I was good enough to raise Rory and Luis. I don’t need to prove anything to you. I won’t. You either trust me or you don’t. And you don’t. That’s all I need to know.”
With that, he stalked up the beach to where Rory and Luis were struggling to drag a huge piece of driftwood out of the pile. Joel stared, rooted to the spot, feet sinking into soggy sand and his heart too cold to beat. Was that it? Was it over? Had Ollie just ended it?
“Ollie!” he shouted, but the wind carried his name away. Or maybe Ollie just ignored it. He was kneeling in the sand with Rory now, hugging him, and then he got to his feet, took the boys’ hands, and began to lead them back along the beach. “Oliver!” Joel yelled again after him. “Ollie, please!”
Only Rory turned around, glancing curiously over his shoulder for a moment.
None of them heard the sob that caught in Joel’s throat as he watched them walk out of his life; it was snatched by the wind and carried up into the glowering skies.
Chapter Twenty-two
PTA Committee meeting, Thursday January16th
It was raining when Joel drove into the Rock House parking lot, a heavy sleety rain that clumped in soggy ridges of ice at the sides and bottom of the windshield. There weren’t many cars. It was an evening for staying home. And Joel might have done just that had the prospect of seeing Ollie not dragged him out into this slushy mush.
It had been almost four weeks since they’d argued. Four weeks since he’d seen Ollie, four long dark weeks to realize how bright a point in his life Ollie had become—Ollie and his boys. Joel missed Rory and Luis too, and found himself looking for Rory among the kindergarteners, wondering what Ollie had told him about that afternoon on the beach. Or about him in general.
Sighing, he pulled up close to the door, grateful he wasn’t on his bicycle tonight. But having his car back only reminded him again of Ollie. He’d found his Nissan parked outside his house one afternoon when he got home from work, the keys in an envelope in the mailbox with a short note:
Joel, thank you for the loan of your car. It helped me a lot. Ollie
He’d phoned Ollie immediately to tell him to come take it back and keep it as long as he needed. Heart bumping in hope, he’d listened to the phone ring out twice before leaving a voicemail. Ollie hadn’t replied, and Joel wasn’t surprised. He got the message loud and clear, the same message he’d gotten on the beach. It was over.
He cut the engine and sat in silence, watching the sleet land on the windscreen and slide in fat sloppy flakes down the glass. He both looked forward to and dreaded seeing Ollie tonight, wasn’t sure how he’d meet his eye and was afraid he wouldn’t be able to look away. He missed him, viscerally. But it was different to how he’d felt after Helen left. Then, he’d felt pummeled like a victim; this time, he felt like his wounds were entirely self-inflicted.
But maybe…fixable?
If he could show Ollie he was sorry, that he really did trust him, maybe Ollie would give him a second chance. None of that could happen tonight under the eyes of a dozen gossipy moms, but this was still the best way to try, if possible, to re-kindle their friendship. That was his plan, such as it went…
Ducking out of his car into the rain, he ran to the door and yanked it open. A fug of warm air greeted him as he stepped into the Rock House, heavy with the aroma of burgers, fries, and beer. Music played, thankfully nothing holidays related—he’d never been so glad to see the back of the festive season—but the Rock House was quiet. Quiet-ish. The usual semi-circular booth was taken up by the PTA and they were chatting with the customary jollity of parents enjoying an evening away from the kids.
Jackie, as usual, had pride of place at the apex of the booth and Alyssa sat to her right. Several of the other moms crowded in on either side, the usual group of loyal volunteers who stepped up to help. Always the same people, of course—the doers and the contributors who made the world turn. And on the end of the seat, in his usual place, sat Ollie.
Joel had thought he was prepared to see him again, he’d certainly imagined this moment often enough.
He was wrong.
As soon as he saw Ollie, he all but tripped over his own fe
et as he stumbled to a halt. Ollie wore a heavy sweater Joel didn’t recognize—Christmas present?—and his dark curls had been cut short at the back and sides, left longer on top to tumble artfully forward over his forehead. The style suited him, it highlighted his angular cheekbones and emphasized his lovely dark eyes. It made him look older, too—or perhaps that was just the serious look on his face, the somber set of his mouth. The changes Joel had wrought.
Ollie didn’t look at him as Joel approached the table, stomach swooping and pitching helplessly. But Joel knew he was aware of him, could sense his awareness in the rigid tension of his body, saw it in the flush of his cheeks and the way he picked up his drink and took a tiny sip.
Joel’s mouth got drier with every step closer.
“Helloooo Mr. Morgan!”
He jumped at the sound of Jackie’s voice, baring his teeth in what he hoped was a reasonable approximation of a smile. “Hey. Hi…everyone. Happy new year.”
A chorus of greetings came back at him as he took a seat at the end of the booth, but his gaze was fixed only on Ollie who sat opposite him. When Ollie didn’t speak, or even look at him, Joel said, “Hi Ollie,” because it would look odd if they ignored each other.
He watched Ollie’s throat move as he swallowed, saw a phony smile curve his lips, felt his gaze fall just short of Joel’s own. “Hi.”
Ollie hadn’t warmed in the four weeks since they’d argued, and Joel’s skin heated at the obvious slap in the face. Could everyone else see what was happening here? Was it obvious they’d fallen out? Would it confirm the rumors that had been circulating before Christmas? His stomach cramped with unease and a churning resentment at the world. He just wanted to grab Ollie by the shoulders and make him listen. He wanted to hug him and wipe that grave look off his face. But he couldn’t do any of it here, surrounded by the damned PTA Committee.
“Shall we start?” Alyssa said, breaking into his gloomy thoughts.
He looked up, glad of the distraction as she handed out an agenda. But there was a sharpness in her expression, and he remembered that the last time they’d met he’d accused her of gossiping about him. His cheeks grew hotter and he stared down at the agenda as Alyssa started, recapping the funds they’d raised last semester and outlining the new semester’s events, which would begin with a Valentine’s Ball.
Joel thought the idea of imposing all the expectation of Valentine’s on elementary schoolers was dumb, but they ran the event every year and who was he to argue with what these parents thought appropriate for their kids? He certainly didn’t have the fight in him tonight. It was taking all his effort to stay focused on the conversation around him—and mostly he was failing. His attention drifted inexorably back to Ollie, like a rudderless boat caught in the tide. From the side of his eye he watched Ollie fold the corner of his agenda over and back, over and back. He watched him bite his lower lip, clench his hands together on the table—hands Joel had held, hands that had held Joel, hands that had touched him intimately. His skin flushed again, a wash of heat from top to toe. Beneath all the hurt and confusion, the longing and desire were still there. He still wanted Ollie; his body yearned for him independently of the turmoil in his mind.
Once, only once, Ollie glanced his way and their eyes met in a clash of cold fire. But there was no answering flush on Ollie’s cheeks, if anything he looked even paler when he turned away. Just like he’d looked on the beach, his freckles standing out, and faint sleepless shadows gathering beneath his eyes.
On the table, Joel’s arm twitched towards him, an instinctive urge to touch and comfort. Except Joel had no right now; Ollie didn’t want him anymore. He swallowed thickly, curled his fingers into his palm. Surely there was a way they could get past this?
The meeting ground on and Joel found it harder by the minute to stay still, but he was stymied by the fact that he didn’t know what to do. Ollie seemed so unreceptive, so cold, and yet Joel could feel his tension and distress radiating like heat. No, Ollie certainly wasn’t indifferent to Joel’s presence. And that meant he still felt something, right? It meant Joel had a chance. God, he hoped it meant he had a chance.
Finally, Jackie finished up and looked around the table. “Any other business?”
Nobody ever had anything to add, so Joel was already on his feet when Ollie said, “Actually, I do.”
His voice sounded flat, very unlike himself, and Joel sat back down with a jolt.
“I, um…” Ollie cleared his throat and in a louder voice said, “I’ve decided to leave New Milton and move back to Woodbury, to be closer to the boys’ grandparents.”
A chorus of dismay broke out around the table. But not from Joel; his throat had closed, eyes burning. He didn’t dare blink, couldn’t breathe. Ollie was leaving?
“I’ll be moving over Spring Break,” Ollie went on doggedly, not once looking at Joel. “I want Rory to have a couple of months to settle at his new school before the summer.”
“What a shame we’re losing you,” Alyssa said, and Joel could feel her eyes on him even though she was talking to Ollie. “But if it’s best for you and the kids then it’s the right thing to do.”
“I hope it is.” His voice sounded rusty and uncertain. “Things haven’t really worked out for me here like I’d hoped, so…” His bright, shaky smile did nothing to hide his distress. “Fresh start, I guess. Again.” A murmur of concern followed as he got to his feet, clearly emotional and not afraid of showing it—unlike Joel, stewing in silent misery. “You guys are gonna make me cry,” Ollie said with a wobbly laugh, “but thanks everyone for…for making me welcome at the school. I’ll be around for a couple more months, so happy to help at the Valentine’s Ball or…you know, anything else.”
“Oh Ollie…” Alyssa said, full of empathy.
“Sorry.” Ollie grabbed his coat, his voice wavering. “I have to go now.”
And he went, hurrying toward the door while Joel sat stiff and silent for another agonized moment. He felt like all eyes were on him, like everyone knew that his heart was tearing apart. And suddenly he didn’t care. Nothing could make this feel worse. Ollie was leaving. And Joel couldn’t let him, not like this. He wouldn’t. Scrambling to his feet, he shot out of the bar after him, heedless of the startled reaction behind him.
Ollie was halfway across the parking lot, hunched against the sleety rain, by the time Joel spotted him. “Ollie!” he shouted, running after him through the cold stinging rain. “Wait!”
Ollie didn’t stop. Not until Joel snagged his arm and turned him. He had his hood up and his face was lost in shadow beneath it, eyes gleaming. “What?” he snapped, tugging his arm free.
“You’re leaving?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
Ollie stared, then gave an incredulous laugh. “You know why.”
“Because…because of me?”
His lips were a compressed white line. “You and Luca, yes.”
“No.” Joel reached for his arm. “Ollie, don’t—”
“I have to!” He backed up. “I can’t…cope on my own. I can’t do it. I’ve screwed everything up and the boys deserve better. So much fucking better than I can give them.”
“That’s not true. Ollie, you’re a great dad—”
“I’m not!” His face was rain-wet, hair flat to his forehead, eyes stark in the street lights. “I came here because of Luca. I thought I could…could make a family for them here. But I can’t. It was stupid. I was stupid. So I’m going back. They were right; I can’t do it on my own.”
“Who’s they?”
“Ha!” He sounded almost hysterical. “Everyone, Joel. Every fucking person who thinks I’m unreliable. And that includes you.”
“It doesn’t! I—”
“Bullshit.” The wind tugged the hood back from Ollie’s face, left him bleak and colorless in the night. “At least be honest. Did you ever really believe this would work?”
Joel opened his mouth to answer, but no words came.
“
You didn’t, did you? You were waiting for me to bail all along. Bail or cheat or— Or reject you like Helen did? Is that it?” Ollie’s expression sagged, raindrops clinging to his dark lashes. He looked cold and miserable. “I get it now—you never believed in us, Joel. And maybe it’s not about me. Maybe you can’t trust anybody. But I need to be trusted by the man I—” His voice cracked and he swallowed. “By anyone in my life.”
With that he turned away and Joel let him go, watching through the rain as he reached his beat-up old car and climbed inside. The engine coughed into life, headlights flaring through the rain as Ollie peeled out of the parking lot.
Only once Ollie was gone did Joel realize he was frozen to his bones. Soaked through and shivering, he stood in the parking lot and let the rain fall. He’d run out without his coat—and without his keys, wallet, and phone. He’d have to go back inside and face the others before he could go home. With Ollie’s accusations ringing in his ears, he trudged back to the Rock House.
You never believed in us, Joel.
And it was true, wasn’t it? Amy had already pointed it out to him. He’d gone into the relationship assuming it would fail, trying to protect himself against the inevitability of Ollie’s betrayal. But in the end it was his fear, not Ollie, that had destroyed everything. Stifled it before it even had a chance to grow.
His throat closed as he pushed open the door and stumbled back into the Rock House. His fingers were numb, hair plastered to his head, water streaming over his face. Rain, or something else. He scrubbed at his eyes but couldn’t stop the tears. What a damned fool he must look.
The PTA crowd were on their feet, milling near the booth as if they’d been about to leave, but they were watching him now. He saw their expressions clearly, a mixture of concern and confusion.
“I—” His throat seized, and an embarrassing sound left his lips. “It’s my fault he’s leaving.”
“Oh no.” Alyssa was at his side, her arm around his shoulder, drawing him back to the booth. “Come on, sit down. Jackie, go and get him a coffee. And ask Kylee if she has a towel back there.”
Twice Shy Page 24