Jackie complied without comment, and as Joel slid onto the bench seat, he found the other women sliding back into the booth around him. “Take off that sweater,” one of them—Holly—advised. “It’s sopping wet. And then put your jacket on. You’ll soon warm up.”
That was probably a good idea. He did as he was told, feeling foolish but unexpectedly cared for as Alyssa handed him his coat. He was still shivering when Jackie came over carrying a spectacular looking concoction of creamy coffee. “With a splash of brandy,” she said, setting it before him with an understanding smile. “For medicinal reasons.”
Joel laughed, but bit it back in case it transformed into a sob. “Thanks,” he managed, wrapping his hands around the hot mug and letting its warmth sink into his fingers.
“Here you go, honey.” The woman from behind the bar came over with a towel. “Boy you did get wet!”
Alyssa took it with a smile of thanks and handed it to Joel so he could dry his face and scrub the towel over his hair. It was probably standing up in spikes, but better than having water dripping down the back of his neck.
“Well?” Alyssa said, once he was settled with his coffee and feeling warmth kindle in his bones.
“He doesn’t have to talk about it if he doesn’t want to,” Jackie said, which was a turn-up for the books. “We don’t want to gossip.”
“But I think he does want to.” Alyssa’s dark eyes caught his. “Right?”
And maybe she was right. He’d been so afraid of the world seeing him like this, exposed and ashamed after another failed relationship, that he’d done everything in his power to prevent it from happening. But none of it had worked. In fact, all he’d done was drive Ollie away and make this moment inevitable. So here he was, falling apart in front of the very people he’d tried to hide from, and it turned out that it didn’t matter. Nothing could make losing Ollie worse. And talking might even help. He wasn’t blind to the irony.
Tightening his hands on his mug, he said, “I’ve…messed things up with Ollie.” Interest piqued around the table and, glancing up, Joel found half a dozen pairs of eyes on him. To his surprise, he saw no shock in any of them, a little surprise, maybe, a few pink cheeks, but no distaste, only curiosity and concern. “We started seeing each other just before Thanksgiving.”
“Wait.” Jackie raised a hand. “Wait…so you are gay now?
Alyssa snorted. “Oh my God, Jackie. Really?”
“What? I’m just clarifying—”
“No, it’s okay.” Joel cleared his throat nervously. “I’m not gay, Jackie. I’m bisexual. And it’s not new, I’ve always been bi.”
There, said it.
“But you told me the rumor about you and Mr. Snow wasn’t true,” she said, sounding genuinely put out.
“Gee, I wonder why?” Alyssa said darkly. “Jackie, why were you even asking?”
“I…” She looked flustered. “Some parents—”
“Are assholes. Are you one of them?”
Her face colored and she put both hands to her cheeks, eyes glistening. “No. Of course not. It’s just I…” She blinked at Joel and said, quietly, “I’m sorry. I suppose I never really thought of ‘gay’ as being like…like this.”
Joel laughed bleakly. “Wet and miserable?”
“No. Well, yes. I mean…romantic.”
“Trust me,” Joel said, “this is not romantic.”
Jackie opened her mouth to say more, but Alyssa cut her off. “That’s enough, Jackie. This isn’t about you. It’s about how Joel fucked things up with Ollie, and what he’s going to do about it.” He looked at her, surprised by the language, and she rolled her eyes. “What? You think PTA moms don’t swear? We’re off the clock. Now come on, spill.”
That provoked an unexpected laugh, and not only from him. Around the table, everyone relaxed and leaned in closer. Even Jackie. Far from feeling intrusive, their interest felt supportive. Even helpful. He lifted his coffee and took a sip, welcoming the kick of the brandy. He braced himself for what he had to confess. “I, um... accused him of having an affair with a guy who’s engaged.” The collective intake of breath from his audience made Joel wince. “I know. And he wasn’t, obviously.”
“So, Ollie thinks you don’t trust him?” Alyssa said, hitting the proverbial nail on its head. “That’s why you split up?”
“It’s a big deal for him.” He ached to think about how he’d failed to understand the impact of his chronic distrust. “A lot of people didn’t think he could raise the boys. He had to fight hard to keep them. And then I come along and accuse him of…” His voice hitched and he had to scrub at his eyes.
Alyssa patted his shoulder. “And this is why he’s leaving town?” She sounded doubtful. “Because you guys broke up after a couple months? That’s…kind of extreme.”
“It’s not the only reason, but I think…” He forced himself to be honest. “I know that if I’d been there for him, he wouldn’t feel like he had nobody left on his side.” His eyes filled again, the truth hitting home hard, and he sat staring blurrily into his coffee, hating himself. Where had his basic human compassion been when he’d found Ollie in tears after his confrontation with Luca? Nowhere. All he’d seen was his worst fear, all he’d felt was a furious desire to protect himself, and so he’d turned on Ollie when Ollie had needed him the most.
No wonder he wanted Joel out of his life.
“Well,” Jackie said into the strained silence. “Obviously, we need a plan.”
Alyssa perked up. “A plan?”
“We certainly don’t want Ollie Snow to leave New Milton. Good heavens, he’s the only father we’ve had on the PTA Committee since I’ve been chair!”
“Which means pretty much forever.”
“Quite. So, to keep him in New Milton, we need to persuade Ollie to give Mr. Morgan another chance, don’t we?”
Joel stared at her. “I don’t think you can plan—”
“Nonsense. Planning is what we do, and the perfect opportunity lies before us.”
“It does?”
She smiled gleefully. “The Valentine’s Ball. What better place for your grand romantic gesture?”
“My…what?”
Alyssa laughed, squeezing his arm. “Oh God, but I think she’s right. It might work.”
“I’m not—” He held up his hand to stop them. “Now wait. I’m not getting down on one knee in public, if that’s what you have in mind.”
“Oh, Mr. Morgan,” Jackie scolded, rubbing her hands in anticipation. “We can be much more subtle than that.”
Chapter Twenty-three
Valentine’s Ball, Friday February14th
Ollie had never been a fan of Valentine’s. As far as he was concerned, it was possibly the least romantic day of the year. He’d have skipped this evening’s event if Jackie hadn’t been so adamant that she needed his help.
“We literally have nobody else to man the cupcake stand!” she’d wailed when he’d run into her outside school on Wednesday. “Alyssa and I can’t do everything!”
Reluctantly, he’d agreed, even though the PTA committee had decided to move the venue from the school to the Majestic Hotel. Running into Luca would be awkward, sure, but Ollie wasn’t ashamed of who he was, and if Luca wanted to snub him that was his problem. He wasn’t afraid of seeing Luca Moretti again.
But he was terrified of seeing Joel.
Was terrified the right word? Not really. He could never be afraid of Joel, but he was afraid of how seeing him would make him feel. Heartsick, lonely, regretful: all the above and more. The plain truth was that Joel had left a hole in his heart that Ollie couldn’t fill. They may only have been together romantically for a few weeks, but they’d become friends in the months before that, and only after it ended had Ollie realized how much he’d come to depend on their friendship. It turned out to be quite something to have a friend on your side and he missed the hell out of Joel.
But Joel hadn’t been on his side, had he? Ollie had to remind himself of th
at. He had to remember that Joel had never really trusted him, and how deeply it hurt to be accused of cheating and lying by a man he’d thought believed in him.
A man he’d been falling in love with...
Yes, seeing Joel again would be a challenge, but Ollie had never backed away from a challenge. Besides, he didn’t like the way they’d left things and, although it would hurt, he hoped they could at least shake hands—for Rory’s sake, if nothing –before leaving New Milton.
Leaving New Milton…
He’d made the decision before Christmas and his soul still sank whenever he thought about the reality. Logically, it made sense to let the Palmers help take care of the boys until he got his financial feet back under him. They could help with childcare and he’d be able to pay Alfie Carter back faster for the repairs to his car. Mrs. Palmer wanted Rory to go to a private school, of course, like Ellis had done, but Ollie was resisting that. How long he’d be able to hold out he didn’t know, but he’d have to choose his battles carefully. Countering the Palmers’ subtle homophobia was his priority; he wouldn’t let his boys grow up with that kind of poison in their minds.
And on that subject…
“Mateo says I have to kiss a girl,” Rory said morosely as he poked at his dinner.
Ollie paused in the middle of wiping Ollie’s sticky fingers. “What do you mean? At the party?”
Rory nodded. “He says he’s going to kiss Unsa.”
“And what does Unsa say about that?” He grabbed Luis’s other hand and began cleaning him up. “You can’t kiss someone unless they say it’s okay. You know that, right?”
“I don’t want to kiss anyone,” Rory said with a dramatic sigh.
“Well you don’t have to, not tonight or any other time. You’re too young for all that, anyway. It’s for grownups.”
“Mateo says I have to because it’s Valentine’s.”
Mateo, in Ollie’s opinion, should keep his opinions to himself. “It’s just a party, Rory. Like a birthday party. There’ll be music and games and stuff. And cupcakes.”
Rory grinned. “Cupcakes!”
“You can help me on the stand and choose one.”
“I want a chocolate one with strawberry frosting.”
Ollie pantomimed a thoughtful face. “I want vanilla with chocolate frosting.”
“Chocolate frosting’s gross!”
“What? No, it isn’t.”
“It is.”
“Since when?” Ollie said, tickling him. “You love chocolate frosting.”
Rory snorted and giggled, and Luis banged his cup on his highchair table to join in. When things had calmed down, Ollie set about clearing up the rest of the dishes while Rory—at his usual snail’s pace—kept working on his dinner. Ollie was on the way to the kitchen when Rory said, “Are you going to kiss a girl tonight?”
And there it was: the question he’d been expecting for the last couple of years.
Carefully, he set the dishes in the sink. “No, I’m not going to kiss anyone tonight. But if I did, it wouldn’t be a girl. It would be a boy. Well, a grown-up boy. A man.”
Grown-up boy? Come on, Ollie.
Rory frowned. “Why?”
“Well, because some people like kissing girls and some people like kissing boys. And I’m someone who likes kissing boys. Men.”
“Why?”
“It’s just the way I am. Like—some people like chocolate cupcakes with strawberry frosting, and some people like vanilla cupcakes with chocolate frosting.”
Rory pulled a face. “Chocolate frosting’s gross.”
“Rory…”
“Mateo says it looks like poop.”
“Then Mateo is being silly. Lots of people love chocolate frosting, and it’s mean to say there’s something wrong with it just because Mateo doesn’t like it.”
Rory considered that, then more quietly said, “I do like chocolate frosting sometimes.”
“There you go, then. We all like different things. And wouldn’t it be boring if everyone liked the same thing?” He ruffled Rory’s hair. “Now finish up your dinner, or we’ll be late for the party.”
And that, Ollie thought as he turned back to the dishes, was apparently that. Some boys like kissing boys, some people prefer chocolate frosting. No Big Deal.
His satisfaction at how well that little conversation had gone stayed with him on the drive to the Majestic and only faded when he saw Joel’s car parked out front. Childishly, he pulled up as far away from it as possible, as if that might take the sting out of the meeting to come.
As always, the hotel looked magnificent and he felt a pang of regret when he remembered the evening he and Joel had spent there before Thanksgiving—and the spectacular weekend that had followed. A pang of regret? Make that a roiling mess of longing. Perhaps coming here had been a bad idea after all.
“Come on, Ollie,” Rory said, tugging at his hand.
It pulled him out of his introspection. That weekend had been months ago now, he should forget it. Life was moving on.
Holding the boys’ hands, he led them across the driveway and up the steps. Theo Wishart was standing in the foyer when they arrived, almost as if he’d been waiting for them. There was no sign of Luca. “Hello,” Theo said, smiling. “I’m so glad you made it.”
Which was odd. Why should Theo care whether they’d made it? But perhaps he meant the PTA in general. Ollie found a smile from amongst his churning feelings and concentrated on not looking around in search of Joel. “Thanks for hosting us again.” He liked Theo, wished he could have known him better, and pushed that regret sharply aside. “Looks like things are already getting started,” he said with a nod toward the dining room, from where music and flashing lights spilled out.
“Yes, do go on through.” Theo’s gaze dipped to Rory. “Hello there. You’re Rory, aren’t you?” Rory nodded shyly. “And this must be Luis?” He glanced over. “Is that the right pronunciation?”
“Sure, for a Brit.” Ollie grinned and after a pause Theo returned his smile.
“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you both,” he said. “I hope you enjoy the party.”
If Ollie hadn’t had so much else on his mind, he might have found Theo’s behavior curious. But as he headed into the dining room all he could think about was keeping calm when he saw Joel. They hadn’t met since the PTA meeting last month and—
There he was.
Joel stood at the far side of the room. All the tables and chairs had been pushed to the sides to make a small dance floor for the kids in the middle. One of those kids’ birthday party DJs, who played music and ran games, had set up in the corner, and already a cluster of older children had gathered around him waving glow-sticks they’d bought from the table Jackie and Alyssa were running. And where they stood talking to Joel.
Ollie could only see him in profile, his glossy hair catching the rainbow lights of the disco as he ran one hand through it. A nervous gesture, and Ollie’s stomach fluttered helplessly at the idea that Joel might feel nervous about seeing him. Not that it would change anything; his decision was made. But still…
Rory slipped his hand free and darted off to where Mateo was haring about with a couple of the other younger kids. Ollie bent to scoop Luis up onto his hip before he got the same idea, and that’s when he saw Joel freeze, his hand still in his hair. Alyssa was speaking to him, trying to look casual, although it was clear she’d just told him that Ollie had arrived.
After a pause Joel turned and their eyes met. Ollie felt the jolt of connection clear across the room, and despite all his good intentions, part of him wanted to fling himself into Joel’s arms again. Just to be held. But of course, that had always been impossible; Joel wouldn’t permit it. Not here. Swallowing against the hard lump in his throat, Ollie buried his face in Luis’s soft hair and breathed in the scent of baby shampoo, letting the child’s warmth comfort him. When he looked back again, Joel had gone.
That was that, then.
Ollie checked his phon
e—six o’clock. The party ended at eight. He only had to survive two hours before he could scuttle back home and nurse his aching heart in peace. Bracing himself, shoulders back, he headed toward Jackie and Alyssa and prepared to be dispatched to the cupcake stall.
∞∞∞
Joel was made entirely of anxiety. It flowed in his veins in lieu of blood, coiled uneasily in the pit of his stomach, and flashed in quicksilver bursts behind his breastbone. He’d felt like this for weeks, and if tonight didn’t end it he didn’t know how he’d survive. It was eating him alive.
“Try to relax,” Theo said, where they stood surveying the party from the side of the room. “It’ll work.”
Easy for him to say; he slept beside the man he loved every night. What did Theo have riding on this? Nothing compared with Joel, whose future balanced on the edge of a blade. However, they’d worked on the plan together these past few weeks and he couldn’t deny that Theo was committed to getting Moretti to change his mind about his relationship with Ollie. That Theo would go to these lengths for the man he loved was proof of a devotion Joel admired intensely and sought to emulate. But Theo’s interest was entirely selfless, he was acting only to make Moretti’s life richer and fuller, and Joel couldn’t say the same for himself. Not entirely. Yes, he wanted Ollie and Moretti to work things out. He wanted Ollie to be happy. But mostly, he wanted Ollie to stay.
He wanted it so bad he couldn’t breathe around the possibility that tonight might fail. Because if Ollie left New Milton, Joel would never have time to earn the second chance he so desperately needed.
So it had to work. It just had to.
The party was in full flow, the music loud and the kids screaming with enjoyment as the DJ ran them through their favorite songs and party games. On the far side of the room he could just make out Ollie working on the cupcake stand, mostly invisible behind the DJ’s flaring disco lights. But Joel had seen him earlier, looking gorgeous and tense and vulnerable in a way that tied Joel into aching knots.
God, let this work. Even if only part of it worked, it would give Ollie some comfort.
Twice Shy Page 25