Confound It

by Maggie Toussaint

  I wasn’t going anywhere in this world or the next until I had answers. “Have you been holding out on me? Because nothing you said makes sense otherwise. If you can effect an aggregation of our power, why haven’t you mentioned it before?”

  “The merging of power has drawbacks, but it also has benefits,” Mayes said, his fingers warm around mine. “As the holder of the focus when we transferred energy to another person in the mountains, I burned substantially more power than everyone else, but I had control of the flow. By aligning our energy into a tighter focus, the raw energy available to the seeker will be multiplied.”

  So much about dreamwalking was still a mystery to me, but Mayes took the strangeness in stride. My brain sputtered like a car out of gas. Clarity wouldn’t come as long as I was touching Mayes. His touch gave a rosy glow to everything, and I definitely needed my wits about me before I tried amplified dreamwalking.

  I tugged my hand free under the guise of removing my ponytail band, finger-combing my hair back into another ponytail, and securing my hair again. The economical motions allowed me time to blow the dust off my little- used knowledge of basic science. His statements didn’t compute.

  “I know a little physics,” I said. “Energy can’t be created or destroyed. What you’re saying is impossible.”

  Mayes nodded. “Like you, I tried to explain the idea through science. Quantum energy teleportation comes the closest to what I believe happens. But now this. Dreamwalking can’t be explained through what we currently know about science. My grandfather said it was possible; therefore I believe it’s possible.”

  “You’ve done this before?”

  “I haven’t tried it yet.”

  “Why not?”

  “Hadn’t found anyone I trusted with my life.” His dark eyes glittered with emotion. “Until now.”

  His life ? Was he kidding me? I stepped back. “We haven’t known each other that long, and I lost control during that energy transfer to your sheriff. Are you certain we should experiment with something neither of us has tried before?”

  “There are few guarantees in life. For instance, there is a risk every time you cross over to the Other Side. As many times as you’ve done this, you’ve had occasional problems. Extended return times, disorientation, misdirection, even.”

  He wasn’t in my mind, and yet he knew the things I’d experienced. “You too?”

  His grim nod let me know he’d been lost in the void before, and he’d also faced the certainty he’d never see the light of day again. Oddly, that shared misfortune cheered me. “I thought I’d screwed up.”

  “Nothing in this life or the next is free. Between the resident tricksters and so-called guides, between exhaustion or distraction on our part, and sometimes a ripple in the continuum, we have various ways to become trapped in the drift.”

  I warmed to the conversation. Dad had always been so cagey about everything to do with the Other Side, and now Mayes was giving me the Cliffs Notes version. “‘The drift’? Is that what it’s called?”

  “Yeah. It’s a fragmented place, not here and not there. Few people emerge from extended stays in the drift alive. Only the strong ones survive.”

  I accepted the backhanded compliment, then my brain circled around. Was he inferring he was also strong? Was I supposed to intuit a deeper meaning in what he said? I didn’t like the sudden confusion I felt.

  “Let’s keep this on an elementary level,” I said. “I don’t analyze conversations for symbols or hidden context. Thanks for telling me you’ve been caught in the drift as well. There are many aspects of my dreamwalker job I can’t explain, that I take on faith. Now we’re going to amplify our probe of this evidence. A year ago, I would’ve denied any of this was possible. Now I know how possible the impossible is. I do it every day.”

  “That’s the spirit,” Mayes said. “You ready?”

  I was. I no longer dreaded trying something new. In his way, Mayes had assured me that we had this. His experience and solid presence gave me newfound confidence. “Sure.”

  “We’re going for expediency, right?”

  I shrugged. “Seems best. That way we have some afternoon left if we need to follow another angle.”

  He studied the area, then his intense gaze caught me. “You need to be touching the blood pool. I need to be touching you. The most expedient way is the personal-energy-transfer position.”

  Heat waves seared my neck and cheeks. The position he suggested was extremely personal and intimate. “And the less expedient way?”

  “We could try one point of contact, but to concentrate my energy in you will take much longer. Think of it this way. Would you rather drip water through an eye dropper or turn on the fire hose?”

  He had me there. We had places to go, people to see, murders to solve. The pig killer might be important to solving Mandy’s murder, but it might be unrelated. I couldn’t afford to tie us up here all day because I was squeamish. “All right.”

  Seconds later, I was lying on the ground beside the bloodstain. Mayes straddled me. “We must join hands.”

  His voice sounded huskier than usual. Was the contact as powerful for him as it was for me? Nerve endings were going haywire from the brush of his thighs against mine. I was hot and cold, nervous and giddy.

  I lifted my hands, matching my palms to his, allowing our fingers to intertwine. The buzz of his energy field glided along my skin, as if he was enveloping me. He moved forward, leaning on his elbows to keep most of his weight from me. With clear purpose, he positioned our joined hands above the stain. My heart thudded against my ribs.

  “Let me in, Dreamwalker,” he commanded. “Let me be in you, and you in me.”

  A niggle of panic surged, and I quashed it. This was Mayes. He trusted me with his life force. I lowered my guard completely. He surged into my thoughts, into my very blood. He kissed me, tenderly, reverently, and I felt less and less of myself and more of us.

  “You set me on fire, Dreamwalker,” he muttered.

  I couldn’t talk because it was happening. The floodgates of him had opened, and the part deep inside my soul, the part that was just me, became something else. I was still conscious of my body, mind, and spirit, but I had twice the awareness. Impossible, and yet, we’d done it. We’d merged our everything.

  Ready?

  He’d spoken in my head, but the tone and resonance of his voice was as if he’d said it beside me. Though I wanted to explore all of what I’d become, expediency was our goal. We were probably burning twice the usual amount of energy.

  Ready , I answered.

  I lowered our clasped hands onto the bloodstain.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  We flashed through the void like a laser beam. The usual sensations of bitter cold and tumbling randomly through space were gone. Instead, I felt like Superman vectoring in a straight, powerful line. We didn’t experience the sensation of stopping either; we just weren’t moving anymore. There was no lightening of the curtain of gloom.

  All around us in the darkness were feelings of bitterness. Of anger. Of revenge. Were these emotions there all the time, or were they related to the case?

  Mayes? Are we there yet?

  We are on the Other Side , he replied in my thoughts. Not sure if we’re where we need to be. This is a first for me too. You still dialed in to the pigs?

  Far as I know.

  Getting anything else besides the emotional resonance?

  A distant sound wafted over. Weeping. A woman’s crying.

  Find her.

  There was a sense of rapid movement, but it was smooth, as if we’d entered an express elevator. The mist thinned, and I saw a woman hugging her tummy. I recognized the floral sofa from previous visions and the woman. Mandy. We’d found her. Maybe this time we’d get something useful.

  It was weird talking to Mayes in my thoughts with him also inside me. His spirit and mine were joined, so I had no physical sense of him. Just the pulse of him in my mind.

  About tim
e , he said softly. See if she can hear you.

  I hoped like anything that this would be an interactive dreamwalk. Most spirit quests were reruns of prior events, but every now and then, a spirit would have something to say.

  “Mandy?”

  She kept crying. I didn’t know if she heard me because she didn’t acknowledge my presence. I listened to her cry for several long moments, then I figured, what the hay. If she can’t hear me, it won’t matter if I talk. But if she can hear me, maybe she’ll react to something I say.

  “Mandy, I’m sorry about your pigs,” I said matter-of-factly. “Petunia and Patches were good pets. I can’t believe someone shot them. They were in a safe place at my father’s cottage in the woods. No one should’ve harmed them there. It was premeditated because there’s no hunting on my dad’s property. We found them in the vegetable garden, in a fenced area where they weren’t allowed.

  “The guy who’s helping me investigate showed me how their bodies were moved and placed inside the garden where they’d be found right away.”

  Mandy’s weeping continued. Still no sign that she heard me. Maybe she needed more information.

  “The means of death for both pigs was an arrow to the heart,” I continued. “Someone had to be a good shot to get both pigs that way. We figure the pigs might have eaten drugged food first. Far as we know, Todd Derenne is the only hunter in our suspect pool.”

  Nothing. I needed to reach her, but how? What could I offer her? “Your son moved in with your sister. He seems to be a fine young man. You did a good job of raising him. I can only hope someone will say the same about me and my daughter one day.”

  The weeping subsided. Maybe she was hungry for news from home. “Todd moved in with your sister too. He seemed pretty upset about your death.”

  Mandy muttered something.

  “Excuse me?” I asked. “I didn’t get that.”

  “I said, right .” She lifted her head from her hands and glared at me. “There are rules over here, but I’ve already broken them, so I’ll pay the consequences either way. I lived in a snake pit on Bartow Road. Any of them could’ve killed me. I made something of myself, and my sister couldn’t stand it. Todd used me. I saw it, and I used him back. But killing my pigs goes beyond belief. You want answers? Find Ava Leigh. And as for my son—”

  A loud noise sounded in the distance. Mandy stiffened as though jolted by electricity. One moment she was there before me, and the next she was gone.

  “Wait. Who’s Ava Leigh?” I asked, but no one was there to hear my words.

  Let’s go home , Mayes said in my head. We’re done here.

  He spoke the truth. There was no one around, not even any bad-boy ghosts giving me crap. Joining forces with Mayes had dialed my locational director in so precisely that I’d bypassed the usual dangers up here. I wasn’t the least bit tired, whereas knowing I had to endure a bumpy ride to get home would’ve had me heading back already.

  We could look for Roland while we’re here , I suggested. With such specificity, I could find him.

  He’s not here , Mayes said. You said so yourself. He’s in another realm altogether, and we need more help to get there.

  Oh. Seemed like there was nothing to do but go home. So I did. The ride back was another superhero vector straight through the void. I awakened with Mayes on top of me, our hands still entwined. He was staring at me oddly.

  You want him back, don’t you? Mayes said in my head. You want him. Not me.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  I had enough presence of mind to recognize the suffering in his mind- voice. Mayes wasn’t the type to get all weepy when his emotions were engaged. Instead, he got cop serious. Like now. I’d hurt him, and that hadn’t been my intent at all.

  My limbs weren’t numb or tingling. I’d come to expect physical-recovery time after dreamwalks, but that needles-and-pins sensation wasn’t there. Instead, warmth flowed from Mayes to me and back through our joined hands. I wasn’t exhausted or the least bit tired. I could get used to Mayes joining me on dreamwalks. But I was hot, steaming hot, and not all the heat came from me. It radiated from Mayes like July asphalt.

  I shut off the mindlink on purpose and butted him gently with my head. “This isn’t about you. Get off me so I can sit up.”

  “I’m not moving until I get an answer. Which is it, him or me?”

  I pushed him harder and squirmed, but there was no budging this man. Anger welled up inside me, mean and heartless. “Neither of you. Are you satisfied?”

  His face froze into an even sterner mask. “I don’t understand.”

  “Look. We shared an amazing dreamwalking experience. I can’t believe you’re not as excited and upbeat as I am about it. I feel like I could conquer the world.”

  He didn’t say a word. But I studied him with an objective eye. He didn’t radiate much of anything except constancy and heat. Now that I looked at him, really looked at him, I saw the ashy tone of his skin, felt the slight tremble of his hands against mine. Realization dawned. All that juice to get there and back. It came from Mayes. Horror struck me. Once again, I’d blundered into an area where I didn’t understand the cost of things.

  I’d held Mayes’ life in my hands quite literally. He’d freighted the energy burn for both of us, and I’d been clueless. If I’d taken off and started looking for Roland again on the Other Side, I would’ve killed Mayes. I would’ve been worse than the psychic vampire we encountered in the mountains. I was better than that, so I immediately began restoring his strength.

  “I need an answer,” Mayes said.

  I owed him more than an answer. I struggled to find the right words. “I like you. Maybe a lot more than like you, but I can’t move forward with my life until I can put Roland behind me. I need to know what happened to him, to find him and tell him I’m okay so he can have peace of mind. Tell him Larissa’s okay. Until then, I’m unwilling to move ahead with any personal relationship.” I drew in a deep breath for courage. “Over there, it seemed like it would be so easy to visit any corner of the universe. I’ve never felt so … empowered before. I was going for expediency, needing to tie up that loose end. Believe me, there’s nothing I want more than to get out of this limbo I’ve been living in. I’ve proven to myself and my family that I can make it without Roland. I don’t need a man to complete me. Or provide for me. I can do it myself.”

  Mayes was silent. Then he murmured a soft word I didn’t recognize. “You complete me. When we are joined, I am home. I don’t like being without you, and I want you to know that I desire you. I won’t settle for a friendship with you. I want you in my life, and I want to wake up beside you every morning.”

  My eyes misted at his heartfelt declaration. This man, this wonderful, special man, understood my challenges. He’d done more than trust me with his heart. He’d sacrificed his very life force to help me.

  He mattered to me in ways I couldn’t begin to articulate, and he was waiting for my response. Honor and loyalty crowded in, squashing spontaneity and passion. I had responsibilities. I couldn’t live in the moment.

  “Even if we resolved Roland’s fate, obstacles stand in our way,” I reminded him. Every contact point between us hummed as I willed my life essence into him.

  “We’ve danced around this topic before. If you truly believe in us, it will happen.”

  “I want to believe there could be an us, but I can’t be objective from this position.”

  His appreciative gaze raked over me. “This is the position I like best.”

  “You would. Is sex all you think about?”

  His answer was slow in coming. “What we share transcends words and physicality. I think of you. That’s what I think about. You , Walks with Ghosts.”

  My irritation increased. He’d promised to give me personal space. “You’re crowding me, Mayes. When I agreed to your visit, it was under the guise of sharing information about dreamwalking.”

  “I’ve fully delivered on that account.”

 
; His voice and his gaze had softened. When he gave me that look, both strong and vulnerable, something inside me responded, whether I liked it or not. “That dreamwalk was amazing. You were amazing,” I said. “How did it go so smoothly? How did we avoid the side effects of traversing the drift? Did you do something different?”

  “Everything we did was different. I had heard my grandfather speak of such a melding of spirits, but I’d never experienced it before today.”

  Just a little more energy would go a long way toward him regaining his equilibrium. Things always seemed darkest when you were exhausted. Once he recharged, surely he’d be less emotionally needy. “Did you experience the same sensations as I did? The trip over and back was so brief, so event-free. It felt like I’d finally dialed in the right coordinates. Instead of freewheeling though the darkness in a hamster ball, it felt like I had a jet engine strapped on my back.”

  “I experienced the drift through your senses, so yes, I experienced the same things. The vector was straight and true, like a beam of light in the darkness.”

  “Can we do that individually now that we know what it feels like?”

  “Anything is possible.” He leaned in until his lips were inches above mine. “You didn’t have to do that, you know.”

  I could pretend I didn’t know he was talking about the energy transfer, but what was the point? We both knew our current position optimized energy sharing. With so many contact points, I’d pushed a lot of energy his way. “I did. You should’ve told me we were burning your energy only. I nearly made a costly mistake. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

  “A kiss of forgiveness?”

  I nodded, but before I could add conditions, his lips touched mine. Instead of the passion I expected, the kiss was surprisingly chaste. Worse, it left me unsettled. I wanted the other kind of kiss from him. The burning, yearning kind.

  He pulled away, releasing my hands and moving off my body. He sat beside me on the sandy ground. I sat as well, but the chill of separation throbbed deep in my soul. I’d been something more, and now I was less. Maybe it was the energy drain, but at that moment, there was nothing I would’ve loved more than to nestle close to Mayes.