Santa, Honey

by Sandra Hill

  “Don’t be afraid of me, Jessie,” he said, his voice husky. “I won’t hurt you.”

  “But I might hurt you,” she said in a voice laden with regret. “I’m cursed. And it’s Christmas. I don’t stand a chance. Neither do you. You’ll be better off when you’re rid of me.”

  He squeezed her hand. “Maybe the trick is to replace your Christmas bad luck with good luck. You know that saying ‘When someone hands you a bag of bones, make soup.’ ”

  “Don’t you mean lemons, and lemonade?”

  He scowled at her interruption and went on. “Treat our meeting as a miracle instead of a curse…oh, hell, I’m not very good with this kind of stuff. I have all these thoughts and feelings inside, but they just don’t come out right.” He ducked his head in embarrassment. “I’m not very good with words.”

  She squeezed his hand back, and he thought his heart would explode with happiness. “You’re doing just fine,” she assured him.

  “I still say we should go to my place. It’s only fifteen minutes from here. You could warm up, and—”

  “No, I’ve got to get back. Sister Clara will be frantic.”

  “Sister? I thought she was your aunt.”

  “I call her aunt, everyone who lives at ‘Clara’s House’ does,” she said, waving her free hand dismissively. He was holding on to her other hand for dear life.

  He frowned. “You live at ‘Clara’s House’? An orphanage?”

  “No. Of course not. But I used to. Besides, it’s not really an orphanage. It’s sort of a foster home for incorrigible kids.”

  Now, that was a revelation. Jessie had been an orphan, and incorrigible. His lips twitched with humor. He could understand the incorrigible part. “You mean juvenile delinquents?”

  “They don’t call them j.d.’s anymore. Politically incorrect.” She smiled at him shyly, and Luke could hardly speak over the lump in his throat. Who would have thought that he’d fall in love so quick, so hard?

  “What do you do for a living, Jessie?” he asked finally when he got his emotions under control.

  She regarded him mischievously, giving him her full attention now. “So you’re finally convinced I’m not a nun?”

  “Babe, nuns don’t tongue kiss,” he replied and winked at her.

  He could see a blush bloom on her cheeks. Still, she gave him a slick comeback. “Kissed a lot of nuns, have you?”

  How lucky could a guy be? A gorgeous redhead. And a sense of humor, too. He was going to light a few thank-you candles the next time he went to church.

  He released her hand and wagged a finger at her. “You’re changing the subject. What do you do for a living, besides burglary?” Then he immediately took her hand again. He wondered idly what she’d do if he tried to pull her over onto his lap. Or stopped the car to kiss her again…and again…and again. And unbuckled her belt, and…oh, brother! About 50,000 of his testosterone were revving up for the start signal.

  “I didn’t rob…oh, never mind,” she said huffily. “I don’t suppose you’d buy Avon Lady?”

  “Hell, why not? You’ve hit me with Santa, nun, and gun moll so far. There isn’t anything else you could do that would surprise me.” Except maybe jump onto my lap, uninvited. Yeah! I should be so lucky.

  “I’m a wedding caterer.”

  “Say that again.”

  “I bake spectacular wedding cakes…the best almond creme, ten-tier cake in the country. And I supply gourmet food for wedding receptions.”

  “Here in Philly?”

  “No. I’m from Chicago.”

  Whoa! Red flag! That posed some logistical problems. Long-distance dating and all that. Well, no problem! He’d skip the dating and get right down to the serious stuff. Hmmm. I wonder how long I can wait before I propose? Oops! First, I’ve got to tell her I love her. Then I can ask her to marry me and move to Philly. Betcha I could do that all in one shot. Yep, that’s what I’ll do. I love you, let’s tie the knot, wild sex, wedding. Or maybe I could reverse the order. Oh, yeah! Wild sex, I love you, wild sex, let’s tie the knot, wild sex, wedding, wild sex. Whatever. He could barely wait.

  “Why are you grinning?” she asked.

  “You don’t want to know, sweetheart,” he chuckled. Yet.

  “If you’re remotely considering sinking your teeth into my neck and sucking blood, forget it. I have a twentieth-degree black belt in karate.”

  He shook his head like a shaggy dog to clear it. Sometimes her train of thought confused him. Then he understood. She was associating him with that movie Interview with a Vampire. And he probably had been ogling her as if he’d like to suck a few body parts, except his preference would be a bit lower than her throat.

  “You’re smirking again.”

  “I don’t smirk. That was a lascivious smile.”

  “Looked like a smirk to me.”

  Then he thought of something else and he hooted at her, “So, you do think I resemble Brad Pitt.”

  “Well, maybe an older version,” she conceded with a sniff.

  He lifted their laced fingers to his mouth and kissed her knuckles. He couldn’t help himself.

  Instead of resisting, she sighed. That’s all. Just a sigh.

  The 50,000 testosterone split and multiplied into an orgy of anticipation. He didn’t think he could wait another five minutes before kissing her again.

  But then, still another thought occurred to him, and his heart began to race with anxiety. “You’re not married, are you?”

  “Almost, but not quite.”

  “Almost? Almost? What do you mean ‘almost?’ ” His chest constricted so tightly he could scarcely breathe.

  “I got jilted two weeks ago by my fiance, Burton Richards the Third. Burt and I were engaged for a year, but he just discovered that the trust fund I got on my thirtieth birthday isn’t quite as large as he’d anticipated.”

  Luke let out a whoosh of relief. “That’s too bad…about you and Burp,” he said sweetly. He felt like pumping his fist in the air with the victory sign.

  “Burt,” she corrected, then shrugged. “It’s just as well. I didn’t like him much toward the end anyhow. He played golf a lot,” she confided.

  Luke made a note never to play golf again.

  “I should have known better, of course, knowing as I do that all men are scumbags.”

  “I beg your pardon.”

  “You wouldn’t believe how many men—engaged and married men—hit on me even as I’m making preparations for their weddings. The louses! One bridegroom even cornered me at his reception, offering me a quickie.”

  I’ve got a lot of backup work to do.

  “Well, I’ve learned my lesson from Burt. I’m never getting married now.”

  Yep, lots of backup work.

  “Maybe I’ll become a nun.”

  Over my dead body.

  “So, how about you?” Jessica asked. “Are you married?”

  How could she ask that question so calmly, as if she couldn’t care less either way? Luke decided she was just playing it cool. Her heart was probably doing a high-speed tap dance, just like his.

  “No, not anymore,” he said, and was astonished that the usual pain didn’t accompany that statement.

  “Divorce?”

  He shook his head. “Ginny died five years ago of cancer.” And with those words, a door slammed shut on Luke’s past. Oh, it wasn’t as if he’d ever forget Ginny. How could he? They’d been sweethearts since junior high. But she was dead, and somehow, someway, his new, fantastic feelings for Jessie suddenly gave him permission to go on living…not just in meaningless one-night stands, but with a forever kind of commitment.

  “Oh, Luke, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have pried.”

  “That’s okay. She’s been gone a long time. Anyhow, tell me why you’re here.

  “ ‘Clara’s House’ is in the Poconos, and—”

  “The Poconos! The Poconos! That’s two hours from here. What were you doing in Philly at midnight?”

 
; “I had to go to Aunt Clara’s ‘mother house’ in the city. Clara’s a retired nun; but she still has ties to her religious order. Anyhow, after I’d completed my errand, the sisters talked me into playing Santa following their Christmas recital. On the way back, I decided to handle Aunt Clara’s problem at the Piggly Jiggley.”

  It should have made sense. It didn’t. “I meant, what are you doing so far away from Chicago to begin with?”

  “Oh. I came here two days ago when I got an SOS call from Aunt Clara. She broke her leg, and she needed my help to keep her foster home together through the holidays.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Aunt Clara operates a group program under state regulations. If they found out she was incapacitated, they’d withdraw her funding and split up these kids quick as spit. She was especially concerned about them missing Christmas together. Not that it’s going to be much of a Christmas now.” Her expression drooped dolefully.

  “Because you weren’t able to get any money?” he concluded, finally understanding.

  “Yep. I would have been all right if Julio hadn’t ripped me off this afternoon, but now…”

  He cursed under his breath.

  “Julio stole all the money Aunt Clara had for Christmas gifts, as well. It’s going to be a mighty bleak holiday for those kids.” She straightened her shoulders with resolution. “But they’re used to disappointment. They’ll survive. We…I mean they…always do.”

  There was a world of hidden meaning in Jessie’s words. How many disappointments had she had as a child? As an orphan? How many bleak holidays?

  Well, he’d be damned if she’d have another.

  “This is the turnoff for the Piggly Jiggly,” Jessie reminded him. “Just a few more minutes and you’ll be rid of me.”

  Warning buzzers went off in Luke’s head. He had to think fast. How could he keep Jessie with him? Time. He needed time.

  “Duck!” he shouted.

  She jerked her head toward him in surprise. “What?”

  “Hurry, get down on the floor. The parking lot is loaded with cops. Frank must have reported your heist to every precinct from here to New Jersey.”

  Jessie dropped down into a curled-up ball in the cramped floor space, and he threw the two pillows they’d taken from their bellies on top of her. Then he surveyed the deserted parking lot with a wide grin.

  “Whatever you do, don’t lift your head or your butt is gonna land in jail.” And a very nice butt, it is, too, he noted, glancing down at her.

  “Oh, geez, oh, geez! What am I going to do now?”

  “I guess I’ll just have to drive you to ‘Clara’s House,’ ” he said with an exaggerated sigh. “No, no…don’t worry about inconveniencing me. It’s the least I can do for those poor orphans.” He patted the pillow over her upraised behind, barely stifling the chuckle of satisfaction that rippled through him.

  “But what about the van?” she groaned. “Can you turn down the heater? I’m melting here. Oh, good grief, maybe I should just turn myself in, beg for mercy.”

  “Nope,” he said in a rush, “you can’t do that. Philly cops are notorious for being hard-nosed. Mercy isn’t in their vocabulary. They’d probably put you in a cell with…Mafia hitmen or something. Do a strip search…naked, body cavities, delousing, the works.”

  She groaned again.

  “You can come back and get the van after Christmas,” he advised. Interpreting her silence for assent, he added, “Is there anything you need from the van? Maybe I could slip in unnoticed.”

  “I don’t know. I can’t think here. It’s about five hundred degrees under this blower. Yeah, you’d better get the boxes.”

  “Boxes? What boxes? How many boxes?”

  “About fifty.”

  Fifty? he mouthed silently. “What’s in them?”

  “Fruitcakes.”

  An hour later, Jessica sat in the car in front of an all-night Uni-Mart convenience store, sulking. “I still don’t see the harm in my going inside. I promised Aunt Clara to bring back bread and milk. Criminey, don’t you think you’re being a mite overcautious?”

  “Nope, you can’t be too careful,” Luke said. “Lots of these convenience stores have police radios behind the counter. There might be an all-points bulletin out for you.”

  “Sixty miles away from Philly?” she scoffed.

  “Just sit tight, toots,” he said, chucking her under the chin. “I’m perfectly capable of buying bread and milk.” He peered down with disgust at the bills and change she’d shoved with stubborn pride into his hands. “Even thirty-nine dollars and ninety-five cents’ worth.”

  “Don’t spend it all on bread and milk, you fool. Buy some peanut butter and jelly, too. I’ve got to make this money stretch till Tuesday, the day after Christmas. Then I should be able to call my bank.”

  “Just how many kids are at this house?”

  “Four…five when Julio is there.”

  “How old are they?”

  “Eleven to fourteen. Julio’s the oldest.”

  “Let me get this straight. You expect kids that age, who suck up food like human vacuums, to live on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the next two days? Over Christmas?”

  “And fruitcake. Don’t forget the fruitcake.”

  “How could I?” he said with a moan. Despite their both protesting that they hated fruitcake, they were so hungry they’d polished off half of a three-pound ring so far. “Whatever possessed those nuns to send fifty fruitcakes?”

  “They had a fund-raiser that fell through. I guess they sold less than they expected.”

  “Exactly how many of those lead sinkers do they have left?”

  “Five hundred.”

  His mouth dropped open in amazement. Then he burst out laughing. “Tell me a little something about these kids.”

  “Well, Julio you already know about. He’s fourteen, half Puerto Rican, half black, and street smart to the nth degree. He’s been arrested for everything from grand theft auto to dealing marijuana. You’d like him, though. He could charm the socks off a snake.”

  “Sounds delightful.”

  “Darlene is next. She’s thirteen, going on thirty. Sexy as hell and headed straight for a life of prostitution if someone doesn’t help her soon.” She laughed. “Yesterday she pierced her own navel, and she tried to talk me into doing the same.”

  “Did you?”

  She cast him a rueful glance. “Hardly. Robbing porno shops is as adventuresome as I get.”

  He grinned. “Who’s next?”

  “Henry is thirteen, too. The next Bill Gates, or so he thinks. He knows everything there is to know about computers. In fact, you’ll soon know what he wants for Christmas—a computer system with a CD-Rom—not that he’ll get such a pricey item, unless there’s a real Santa Claus.”

  “He doesn’t sound too incorrigible. What’s he done?”

  “Credit card fraud. Illegal hacking. The last scam he pulled off netted him ten thousand dollars. Not bad for a thirteen-year-old, huh?”

  “Is your Aunt Clara a saint or what? No sane person would take on all these hopeless cases.”

  “They’re not hopeless,” Jessie asserted defensively. “All they need is help.”

  “Sorry,” he apologized. “Go on.”

  “Kajeeta is twelve. Poor thing. She’s…well, she’s overweight, but she has this dream of becoming a singer and dancer, like Janet Jackson. No one has the heart to tell her it’s probably a hopeless dream. Anyhow, Kajeeta refuses to go to school. The other kids make fun of her. She’s continually being called into court by school probation officers. Foster parents don’t want her, too much trouble.”

  He nodded. Sounded like a great bunch of kids so far.

  “Then there’s Willie. He’s eleven.” She smiled. “His orange hair and freckles will fool you. He’s a compulsive shoplifter. And he’s going through this Ninja phase right now.”

  He raised a brow.

  “He does karate moves…all th
e time. Seems like he can’t even go to the bathroom without Kung Fuing along the way.” She stared out the window, deep in thought. Then she seemed to shake herself back to the present. “We’re wasting time here. Am I going into the store or are you?”

  “I am. But how about soda and snack food for the kids?” he suggested.

  She raised her chin. “I can’t waste money on junk food. We’ll get by. Just buy four loaves of bread, four gallons of milk, a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly,” she said inflexibly, “or I’ll do it myself.”

  He gave her a condemning glare and slammed out of the car, storming into the store. He’d left the wipers on, so she was able to watch him through the well-lit store window, even through the blinding snow. He said something to the teenage girl behind the counter, and she smiled up at him as if God had just walked into her store. Or Brad Pitt.

  She couldn’t blame the girl. Jessica felt all warm and fuzzy inside when she looked at him herself. Actually, she’d felt more like hot, hot, hot, especially when he’d kissed her. No one, no one had ever made her feel like that.

  This night was probably just a lark for him. He was humoring some crazy woman who’d pulled a loaded gun in a supermarket, kidnapped him, then tried to rob a porno shop.

  She groaned aloud. It sounded awful when she played it back in her mind. Heck, it was awful. Her brain really must have splintered apart to have tried such foolish stunts. But she was desperate. How was she ever going to provide a Christmas for those kids who depended on her? In a way, she was letting them down, just like so many adults had let her down as a child when she was shifted from one foster home to another…until she’d found Aunt Clara.

  Well, enough maudlin thoughts. Her Brad-savior was returning, loaded down with two grocery bags in each arm. She leaned over to press the automatic rear door release.

  Even that short walk from the front door of the Uni-Mart to the rear of the car resulted in his being covered with snow. To her surprise, he didn’t immediately enter the car, though. He went back in the store twice more, returning with six more grocery bags.

  When he finally slid into the front seat, she lit into him. “I told you to buy four things. What’s in all those bags?”