Foster's Fall (Foster's Life)

by Jake Williams

  Brittany stood up and announced, “I think I’ve had enough sun. Foster, you want to follow me through the hedges?” I grinned and nodded. She looked at Brent and asked, “What do you have to switch him into indoor party mode?”

  He felt around in his backpack and came up with some tablets. “Both of you take one of these, and Foster, you take this one.”

  I refilled my beer and followed Brittany through the back gate. When we got up to her room I pulled off my shorts and fell across her bed. She looked a little concerned and asked, “So, how are you holding up?”

  “I’m fine, my father—and Megan—they’re the ones who really fucked up their lives.”

  “Really, no doubt. But I mean, he is your father. And this has made your life more...complicated?”

  It was a little chilly in the room and I tossed stuffed animals and magazines off her bed and climbed under the covers. “I admit, I’m a little stressed. But I guess the President’ll pick somebody else to run with him and everybody will move on.” I gave her my dirtiest grin and cranked the southern accent up a notch. “So, c’mon, Britt. Help a guy out with a little stress relief. I have major anxiety today.”

  She slid under the covers but sounded a little hostile when she said, “That’s really what a girl wants to hear, Jake. That I’m another Xanax in your life.”

  “It’s not like that, Britt. You know, like how much I care about you. You’re...special, not like the other...girls.”

  “The other girls and maybe other—never mind. I’m guessing that tablet was ecstasy, otherwise I’d be booting you out of my bed.” I pulled her into my arms and she reached down. “He really didn’t need to give you that pill though, it’s not like I didn’t already have enough to deal with.” She slid her head under the sheets and I leaned back with my hands behind my head. I relaxed and thought about Rob and Dave.

  About an hour or so later there was a soft knock on the door. Britt was dozing off so I pulled on my shorts and opened it. Rob was standing there with a towel wrapped around his waist over his see-through shorts and he whispered, “I need to get you back over to the party. Everybody’s looking for you. I recognized the sounds you make when you’re...done, or whatever and I waited out here as long as I could, but I’m freezing.”

  I looked over my shoulder at Britt and she was rubbing her eyes and I asked, “Is it okay if I head back over? I’d like to get back to the party, you know, not like—”

  “Go ahead, Foster. There’s only so much...romance one girl can handle in a day.”

  Rob and I headed down the hallway but he would stop if a door was opened even a crack. “What are you looking for, Rob? Pillow fighting models in lingerie?”

  Robbed tugged at the front of his towel. “They really do stuff like that?”

  “Only on Fridays, dirty old man.”

  “Who’s dirty? You just spent an hour with one of them and you’re still sportin’ major wood.”

  I shook my head. “It’s that damn pill Brent gave me.” I patted the front of my shorts and commented, “I don’t think it’s done, yet. You better get moving before it chooses you as its next target.” I swatted him on the ass and we headed back to the party.

  By the angle of the sun and the lower volume of music I could tell the party was wrapping up. I saw my political-crisis war team at a table with tons of empty plastic cups and what looked like a half-gallon of vodka in the center of the table. Dave was smoking a cigarette and looked disappointed when he saw the towel covering Rob’s shorts. “So, there you guys are. You two have been gone forever!”

  I frowned and asked Rob, “Just how long were you standing at that door?”

  He grinned. “Standing at doors is one of the first things they teach you in secret agent school. It’s not a big deal, all I did was wait for you to make those strangled-rhino noises and I knew you were done. With Megan and you we got the whole show, not just the audio. Did you know your face scrunches up like a raisin when you—”

  I slapped him on the back of the head then I sat down in the empty chair between Dave and Spence. Levi was there and was down to one phone and had a slightly buzzed and sun-burned look on his face. He hit the speaker button and held it up for us so we could hear someone furiously cursing in French. My French was a little rusty but the guy on the phone seemed to be suggesting that Levi should have a date with an angry monkey in hell. He finally hit the end button and the voice cut off in mid-obscenity. He sighed and said, “I’ve been cursed out in so many different languages that I could say ‘fuck you, Levi’ or ‘go to hell’ at a UN assembly without a translator.” He snapped his finger at me and pointed at my backpack. “We ran out of pot, and I mean the entire fraternity ran out, and I didn’t want to dig around in that thing for more. Some of the guys have gone to PreBar on a resupply mission but it took them almost an hour to get through the clusterfuck out front—there’s no telling when they’ll make it back.”

  I nodded and pulled a couple things out of the pack. I set Rob’s gun on the table and managed to find a couple of joints tucked into a cigarette pack. Levi flinched a little at the sight of the gun but the rest of the guys didn’t even seem to notice it sitting on the table. We passed the first joint around and somebody poured a round of vodka shots. I asked, “So, Levi, what’s new in the world?”

  Levi nodded as he inhaled. “Your father has withdrawn his name from the campaign, and the latest rumor is that the President’s trying to get the current VP to stick around for another term. He’s probably thinking they could save some money by just using the left over bumper stickers from the last campaign. I mean, why sink more money into this disaster?”

  Dave nodded. “Why did the President want to replace him anyway? I mean, the guy needs that whole heart-lung-liver transplant and new knees, and he’s a little odd, but choosing Foster’s father for the second term seems like it will go down in history as one of the biggest strategic errors a world leader could make—no offense, Foster.”

  I shrugged. “Hey, I’m not the one banging the President’s daughter.”

  “But you were.” Rob pointed out.

  “Right—but no! I’m not like thirty years older than she is, I’m not running for office, and I’m not sneakin’ around behind everybody’s backs.”

  Rob took a tiny sip of beer and laughed. “You were sneaking around! I know, I saw your ass bopping up and down between Megan’s legs—”

  Dave cut in, “Waayy too much info there, Rob. But really, there’s no way POTUS,” and he beamed at Rob, “that he’s going to win now. I mean, if you can’t manage your own eighteen year old daughter how in the hell can you keep up with congress, or the military you’re commander of, or whatever? If you ask me the Democrats could run on a platform to legalize cannibalizing children and they’d still win at this point.”

  Levi nodded. “There are already suggestions, most of them from FOX News and talk radio, that this is somehow all part of a conspiracy to kick the current administration out of office. There’s talk that Megan’s secretly a communist, that she’s working for forces or countries to ruin the entire nation.

  “That’s kind of a stretch for a girl who said it felt good to be out of the country when we landed in Hawaii,” I said.

  Out of nowhere Rob said, “Hawaii was a helluva trip. I just wish we could have spent time in LA, too. The only time I spent there was when the plane landed to refuel. I’d have liked to have seen more.”

  I told him, “Seein’ it from a window on Air Force One is about as good a look as you want, Rob.”

  I heard a helicopter off in the distance and tensed up. I looked at Levi and said, “I guess news copters were inevitable.”

  Levi smiled. “Keep listening, Foster.”

  We all listened as it headed away instead of coming closer. Spence said, “Okay, that was a false alarm. But there’s nothing stopping them from flying over and snapping pics of him, of us, out here.”

  Levi pointed at Rob. “You can thank him for stopping the press f
rom keeping us under aerial surveillance.”

  Rob looked at all of us and explained, “It’s one advantage of having a newsworthy scandal that involves the White House. That text I sent a while ago was a request for a no-fly zone over Hawthorne, and Homeland Security approved it. But we should still probably go inside—Brittany was right, I think my ass is sunburned.”

  I winked at Dave and told Rob, “I know somebody who would be happy to rub some aloe on it.” Dave gave me a look of pure evil and we all gathered up our stuff to move the party upstairs. Just as I walked through the door Rob put a hand on my shoulder and pointed to the sky above the pool. I became aware of a buzzing noise and a little spindly robot with helicopter blades humming popped over the hedges and moved toward us. Rob pushed me out of sight and asked, “I don’t suppose you guys have been selected as an Amazon delivery test market or anything?”

  I peeked at it through the doorway. “What the hell is that thing? Is that something Sheldon’s working on?” Sheldon was the smartest, and geekiest, member of the frat and was always testing his science experiments out on the rest of us.

  Levi looked pissed. “It’s a drone, Foster. I should have figured, real estate agents use them for property pics, Amazon’s thinking about using them to deliver small packages, and I’ve heard rumors that some of the drug dealers around here are testing them out, too. There really aren’t any regulations on them, yet. I’m surprised there’s not a little ET or CNN logo on the side of it.”

  Spence told me, “You may be too stoned to remember, but Sheldon does have one of those things somewhere around here. We used it to peek into the girls’ dorms on campus last weekend.” Rob perked up a little at that bit of news.

  We started walking upstairs and I asked Spence, “Do you mind giving Sheldon a call and seeing if he can bring that thing over here? And ask him if he can make some modifications to it.”

  “I don’t mind calling him Foster, but I don’t know if he could make it over here with that circus out front.” Sheldon lived down the street in a house with his girlfriend, Shannon. “But how do you want him to modify it?”

  “I’m thinking we may be able to use it to enforce our own no-fly zone.”

  Slumber Party

  Everybody split up to head to their own rooms and Rob and I walked into mine. The room was fairly dark but there was bright light framing the curtains in the window. I could hear generators and the occasional whoop of a police car. I cut on the lights in the room and wanted to peek out there but I stopped at the last minute. “Let’s grab a shower and see if some cold water will tone down that crispy critter look you have going on.” I threw my shorts in the corner of the room and opened the door. Rob just stood there looking lost. “C’mon, Rob. Just toss your shorts over in the corner, Ella’s crew can just wash your stuff with mine.”

  He pointed at me and shook his head. “I’m not going out into that hall buck naked. I’ll keep these on until we get there. I can hear girls out in the hallway.”

  “Whatever, they were all out at the pool today—I don’t think they’d see anything you haven’t already showed ‘em.”

  When we got back to the room Levi and Dave were waiting for us. They were both wearing t shirts and boxers so I dressed the same way. Rob pulled on a pair of shorts and a t shirt that said You Are on My List of Things to Do Tonight across the front of it. He plopped down on to the couch and leapt back up like his ass was on fire. “Oh my God,” he howled. “My ass, my back—I’m dying!”

  Dave seemed to think that was hysterical. “It’s not the first time that’s been screamed in this room.”

  I glared at him. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, you scrawny little douche.”

  “I bet.” Dave grabbed a green plastic bottle off the coffee table and told Rob, “That’s aloe, I figured you’d need it. Take those clothes off and lie down on Foster’s bed, I’ll put this on your back and—”

  “NO!” We all yelled in unison.

  Rob pulled his shirt back off and I decided he really was in good shape for somebody his age, but all of that pink and red skin made him look like a lobster being pulled out of boiling water. He sighed. “Go ahead, Dave.” He spread out face down on the bed and Dave hopped up beside him.

  Spence walked in and surveyed the scene. He asked me, “Is Dave recruiting another guy for his team?”

  Rob turned his head and looked up at Dave straddling his back. “What team do you play on? You’re one hundred percent muscle, you must play all kinds of sports.”

  Dave winked at me and I gave him the finger. “I keep in shape,” he told Rob. “Wrestling, MMA, boxing...and bowling.”

  Brent came in and walked over to them and was studying Rob’s back as Dave slathered it with aloe. “That’s a very prehistoric way to treat a sunburn, fellas. Let me go back to my room and get you something that will ease the pain a little more than plant guts.”

  Rob shook his head. “I need to be awake for the next few days, not in a Brent-induced coma. And I saw the effects of the last thing you gave Foster, you probably owe Brittany an apology. Besides, Dave seems to know what he’s doing.” He leaned back over his shoulder and told Dave, “Just quit trying to slide that aloe-coated hand under my waistband.”

  Levi spoke up and said, “Well, look at that.” He pointed at the TV and you could see a view from outside the house. The news vans were all lined up along the street and a girl from ET was staring into the camera with a solemn look on her face.

  “I’m here at the fraternity house where we’re waiting for a statement from Jake, the eldest son of the disgraced senator. I’m a personal friend of this innocent college student who is known for his athletic prowess and southern charm, as well as a brief career in modeling. There’s been speculation that he’s already in California consoling his devastated mother, who is in Hollywood promoting her new film, The Fragile Steps of the Otters. And after this commercial break we’ll have exclusive footage of her first fitting for the otter suit.”

  When an ad for condoms came on Spence asked me, “How do you know that chick? I’m guessing ‘athletic prowess and southern charm’ means you banged her.”

  I nodded. “In the men’s room of some club in LA. I think that’s where the ‘athletic prowess’ part came in to the picture—it was a really small stall and there was already somebody in there doing coke. But Levi, what about the statement part? You’re not planning on going out there, are you?”

  He shook his head. “No way. I still believe as long as we keep you out of sight that in a day or two they’ll give up and throw everything they’ve got into tracking down your father and Megan.” He flipped to another channel and some guy with perfect hair and teeth stared at the camera. He was wearing a Hawthorne sweatshirt and I recognized him from my fencing class. He had about ten microphones in his face and wiped a tear that didn’t exist from his face.

  He spoke with a quiver in his voice that he had probably practiced for hours. “I’ve known Foster for years, and this has got to be the worst day of my life. I haven’t slept or eaten since this morning, and my therapist tells me it may be months before I recover. And my attorney says that he’ll be filing a lawsuit against the Republicans for emotional distress—I mean somebody has to be responsible for the anguish I’m feeling now about what they did to a guy I consider to be my twin brother. There have been suggestions from people in LA that I may have to take over for him as an underwear spokesperson, I’m just not sure I’m ready. But I’m not ruling it out.” He slid the bottom of his sweatshirt up over his abs and I couldn’t help but be impressed. “I mean, Foster’s only been gone a day...”

  “That’s just fuckin’ creepy,” I said. “I mean, I know I’m pretty wasted right now but I’m pretty sure I haven’t died.” Levi flipped the channel again and there was another view of the front of the house. There were protestors marching in a wide circle out on the street while policemen on horseback watched. The signs didn’t seem to relate to these circumstances, they were add
ressing a variety of concerns—“Free the Lab Rats” was popular, “Eat the Rich” may have had some relevance, “Do You Know Where Your Stockbroker Is?” had me puzzled.

  Another channel had a picture of me, my father, and Megan standing behind the President as he addressed the convention. My wanna-be VP father was staring at the breasts that were threatening to cause Megan’s own personal wardrobe malfunction, and I wondered why nobody had picked up on that at the time.

  PBS had a panel of political experts who had to be legit—they just weren’t attractive enough to be on TV unless they were super smart. A lady who looked a lot like George Washington said grimly, “There just hasn’t been anything like this in the history of American politics.”

  An ancient guy with the longest, scariest eyebrows I’d ever seen spoke up. “Well, we have to give the Senator credit where it’s due, the President’s daughter is a hundred times hotter than Wallis Simpson.” I had to tip my beer at the screen in agreement.

  Somebody carried in some pizza and wings left over from the party and the room got quiet as we ate and watched the channels roll by. I caught a glimpse of the Bachelorette and Dave yelled through a slice of pepperoni, “Leave that on for a minute!” There were groans from the room and CNN popped up on the screen. There was a night shot of the White House and I wondered if the first family was sitting down together for dinner, staring at an empty chair, and what that conversation would be like.

  I plopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a minute. I think I ended up falling asleep for about an hour or so, when I woke up Spence and Dave were sprawled out on the bed on either side of me. The room was fairly dark, but in the pulsing blue light from the TV I could see there were about five or six other guys sprawled out on the floor and the couch, all of them wearing nothing but boxers, and the whole scene looked a lot like one of the ads I did. Levi was sitting cross-legged in the middle of it all tapping on a laptop with one hand and flipping channels with the other. Rob was snoring softy with his back against the door and his gun on the floor next to him. I could still see light from the camera crews creeping in around the curtains and it didn’t seem like this was really ever going to end, but with all these guys, my friends, surrounding me I tried to be optimistic.