Rookie Mistake

by Greg M. Hall

explained, "Hell is the same to me as it is to you. None of us has a clue as to what happens when we die. That rubbish came about because people interpret our rather rakish appearance to mean we’re minions of the devil. In fact, the actual picture of a 'devil' that comes to the mind of most humans, is nothing more than just a larger type of demon. You know, red, horns, pointy tail, cloven hooves, the whole deal. Real good friends with one, I call him Shubby. He ain’t the sharpest peanut in the turd, though. "

  "So you're not evil?"

  "No, far from it. You want evil? Try out a fairy sometime. Oh sure, they look little and cute, and innocent, but just get one's jaws locked on your jugular and you'll soon be seeing things a little differently."

  Harry was quite astonished, and tried to replace his earlier image of this little blue creature disemboweling him with that of a vicious tinkerbell with a murderous look in her eyes. His corporate-dulled creativity wasn’t up to the task.

  "Anyway," continued the demon, "back to business. What I'm here for, and the reason you have summoned me, that is if you actually had known what you were doing, is that I am to grant you any boon you request."

  "Like a wish?"

  "Sorta. Except, being the type of demon that I am, I am only empowered to grant you a physical or metaphysical enhancement of some sort. For example, I can make you three feet taller or three feet shorter. I can make you fat or thin, ugly or cute, funny or boring, great with the ladies, or...well, if you're that sort, handthhome to the other guythh."

  "Oh no," said Harry quickly, "No, I like girls. Really."

  The little thing looked at him sideways, one hand on his chin. "Uhh...huh. Anyway, I can let you know some of my more popular requests. There's invisibility—"

  "Invisibility?"

  "Oh yeah! Give you an example. You know how the Cubs haven’t won a World Series in forever?"

  "Well, sure", said Harry, who really didn't but still felt compelled to defend his masculinity.

  "Yeah. My last guy wanted invisibility. So that's what he got. Now aside from all of the rather perverse things one can do with invisibility, this guy used to go to Cubs games. Then he kind of wandered around the field to make sure the other team won. You know, tripping a guy here, messing with a pitch there. Of course, he died a few years back, but they’ve got losing so ingrained into them now, it’s like he’s cursed ‘em."

  "Wow." Harry thought of the possibilities. Although he wouldn't have felt right about sneaking into locker rooms or bedrooms, and absolutely wouldn't be caught dead on a sports field, where a juiced-up outfielder could come out of nowhere and clean his clock like it had never been cleaned before. "Uh… What about teleportation?"

  "Yeah, I could do that," mused the demon, "what would you use it for, if I may be so nosy?"

  "Well, I guess I would go home every night." Harry sounded slightly bashful.

  "You live with anybody? Wife?"

  "Well, not exactly." Harry started studying the weave of the carpet.

  The demon hopped off the TV and landed noiselessly on the floor. He stepped into the spot where Harry was staring, looking up. "Mother?" he asked.

  "Uh… Yeah… She's, um, not in the best of health anymore, and—"

  "Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah. I suppose now's a good time to give you the stipulations of this boon. You may want to reconsider teleportation. You see, if you show up at home every night when you're supposed to be in all four corners of the globe, you may have some explaining to do."

  "Well, I guess my mother can keep a secret..."

  "No, that's the point!" The demon waved his arms as he spoke. "If you tell anyone—even your freakin' dog—you immediately drop dead."

  "Dead?"

  "Yeah. Dead. Remember Houdini? How do you think he really died? A lifelong friend got him drunk, asked and asked and bugged him on how he did his milk can escape, and Houdini finally got fed up and told him. 'James, I accidentally summoned this demon, and he gave me the power to...AACK!" The creature flopped to the carpet like spiky dishrag.

  "Naww" said Harry.

  "Okay, fine, try it yourself. Go ahead and find out if you want." The little imp crossed his arms.

  Harry decided it would not be best to press the issue any further. In fact, maybe it would be best just to ask for nothing. Send the demon on his way, and his life, boring as it was, would at least be more likely to continue.

  The demon, as if he read Harry's mind or at least recognized the look on his face, said: "And before you ask: you have to request something. That's another one of the little rules involved with this thing. If I don’t imbue you, I don't get to go home. And if I don't get to go home, I might be inspired to do any of a number of particularly unpleasant things to you until you're just begging for an extra thumb or a wart on your knee just to get rid of me. Now, let's make this the least amount of trouble for both of us, shall we? Do you want some more suggestions?"

  "No, no, that won't be necessary." Actually, it would have helped, but Harry didn't want to look stupid. He tried to picture his options: Flying-through-the-air superhero Harry, All-Powerful King of the Universe Harry, Really Smart and So Good at His Job Harry. Nothing really suited. He was just plain boring vanilla ho-hum nothing special Harry. His life wasn't exiting, dangerous, even mildly interesting, and when he really had to think about it, it turned out that was exactly how he wanted it to be.

  Well,” the blue thing shifted from one leg to the other. "I think you need suggestions. Magic? Control over Earth, Wind, and Fire? Larger equipment?"

  “No, none of those sound good.”

  The demon popped up, lightning fast, and kicked him squarely in the chest with far more momentum than a creature his size should have possessed.

  Harry, flat on his back on the bed, claws prickling the sensitive skin of his throat, could not speak, or even move. Breathing was out, too. He couldn't even piddle himself, since his bladder had already emptied. The demon had obviously lost his temper, and muttered something about removing his nose, rather painfully. Harry could only stare in utter terror as it brought its right arm up, its claws, elegantly polished metal razors, glinting in the lamplight.

  “Hold It!"

  An Alvin-and-the-Chipmunks voice had come from the corner of the room. Man and demon looked over to the coffee table, where another impish creature, similarly featured but slimmer and in a fetid green color, stood with its arms crossed.

  The demon holding Harry's neck was the first to speak. "Uh ... Hi, Honey."

  The green one leaped off the table and joined the blue one on top of Harry's chest. "And just what are you doing here, traipsing around other dimensions?"

  The demon, incredulous, pointed a long razored finger at Harry. "He summoned me. I can't go home until I grant him a boon, and the knucklehead won't decide!"

  "Come over here, Fraz." The green one motioned to the corner. Both leaped off his chest, and the table wobbled as they landed.

  Harry, both stunned and relieved at the temporary reprieve, tried thinking of boons, but all that came to him was that was the name of one of the guys in Animal House. Though the green one whispered too quietly, he could still hear the original visitor: "He doesn't?... But I thought I couldn't leave until... Oh!... Really!" The both turned their heads slowly toward him, and then huddled up again.

  Again the blue one: "You wanna? It has been a while... Yeah, he wouldn't, I think..." Again they turned slowly, this time both with grins on their faces, their needlelike teeth gleaming. Their metal-sheen eyes conveyed all too clearly their ability to enjoy tearing living matter limb from limb, drink blood, feast on flesh. The blue one asked all too eagerly, "So, tell me... Have you ever tested positive for the HIV virus?"

  Something suddenly jumped into Harry’s head. When self-preservation is at stake, people can be capable of astonishing clarity.

  Just as they readied to leap in a flurry of scalpel-like hooks and slashes, Harry spoke up. "Wa
it a second! I know what I want!"

  They paused. They lost their grins.

  "I wish to be given supreme control over demons."

  Both demons exchanged a quizzical can he do that? expression. The green one shrugged. They hopped back to the TV, drawing a comical flinch out of Harry.

  The blue one stuck out an arm. "One way to find out if this works." He covered his face with his left hand, while his mate did so with both hands. Harry didn't and was blinded by the blue flash that arced from the demon to his gut. A body-wracking buzz blotted out everything but the light, bright enough to be stilettos jammed into his eyeballs.

  When he came to, it didn’t take long for Harry to figure out he hadn’t been dreaming. Wisps of smoke curled lazily off his shoes, and all-body aches and pangs made him think he’d been wrung, bent, folded, spindled, and mutilated. Then he remembered he almost had been. He propped himself up on his elbows and looked around the room.

  The demons, Frazz't and Yev'ezz'azzl, were nowhere to be seen.

  “How do I know their names?”

  He scanned his memory for any point the blue creature had told him. He hadn’t. He just woke up, and there it was.

  Just as inexplicable was how much he suddenly knew about his visitors. Two of the more unpredictable of the lot, sort of a Sweeny Todd pair amongst their kind. If the demons believed in punishment, or being held accountable for their actions, they would have long since thrown them in a stout iron box and welded