Golden Girls Forever

by Jim Colucci

  After this episode aired, the response was enormous. Women who had thought they were crazy, and felt so alone, now felt validated. The disease predominantly affects women, five to one. And these women were just so grateful that there was someone out there like Dorothy who was saying the same things they were. That last monologue of Dorothy’s, where she tells off the doctor in the restaurant, was very personal for me. I had to restrain myself and watch my language, because I was a whole lot angrier than she was. And Bea delivered that monologue fabulously.

  JEFFREY TAMBOR: I was happy to play this part, because my scenes were with Bea, and the storyline was something that I knew was very close to Susan Harris’s life. Guesting [on a sitcom] is really hard. You really have to have it together. One of the best things to come out of this was that one of the Golden Girls writers I met during this week, Mitch Hurwitz, would later become my mentor, as the creator of Arrested Development.

  Dorothy’s hotel room in New York, where she weeps on Rose’s shoulder.

  Photo courtesy of the EDWARD S. STEPHENSON ARCHIVE at the ART DIRECTORS GUILD.

  EPISODE 105

  THE ACCURATE CONCEPTION

  Written by: GAIL PARENT Directed by: TERRY HUGHES Original airdate: OCTOER 14, 1989

  Blanche is thrilled to be bonding with her visiting daughter Rebecca (Debra Engle)—that is, until the unmarried young woman announces that she intends to be artificially inseminated via a sperm bank. Upset and uptight, Blanche sets herself out a midnight feast, where she’s joined by the other Girls and their own grossed-out opinions about the then-innovative procedure. Blanche just can’t understand why her attractive daughter would resort to such a solution—particularly by paying for it. Sadly, her hard line on the subject threatens to sever her relationship with both her daughter and her future grandchild.

  Rebecca tries one last time to reach out to her mother, bringing her on a tour of a local sperm bank to show her the process is legit. Out of curiosity about this newfangled life choice, the other Girls tag along. But when Dr. Manning (James Staley) explains the procedure, a mortified Blanche storms out.

  When the Girls catch up with her at home on the lanai, they advise stubborn Blanche to show some support and respect for her adult daughter, who’s about to leave for the airport. When Blanche finally musters an apology, Rebecca dismisses her cab so that she and her mother can ride to the airport together and brainstorm baby names.

  COMMENTARY: We’ve seen Southern Blanche be conservative before, but this reaction still seems strange; she’s objecting to a procedure that could produce a beloved grandchild. But it’s important to remember that while today both artificial insemination and in vitro fertilization are commonplace, back in 1989 the technology was still in its infancy.

  This episode touches on a larger issue as well, the decision to embark on a life of single parenthood. Here, Dorothy answers the question that may be on viewers’ minds when she reassures Blanche that a single parent can do just as good a job at raising a child. Obviously, then-vice president Dan Quayle was not watching that week. (And why would he? After all, the show regularly took potshots at him!) Because three years later, during the 1992 presidential election, Quayle would turn an episode of Murphy Brown, in which the title character played by Candice Bergen opted for single motherhood, into his rallying cry about the erosion of family values.

  Oh boy, we’re going to a sperm bank waiting room and doctor’s office!

  Photos courtesy of the EDWARD S. STEPHENSON ARCHIVE at the ART DIRECTORS GUILD.

  BEA ARTHUR: In this episode, Rue had the best line that’s ever been written: “Sperm used to be free. It was all over the place!”

  RUE McCLANAHAN: Debra Engle was fun to work with. But I had to put all that “eeew” stuff on, because I don’t feel that way about artificial insemination at all. Even back then, even if it was controversial, it wasn’t controversial with me. So I just had to act all that. I just knew instinctively that Blanche would not want to go along with her daughter’s plan. I think in her case, her conservatism, just like everything else about her, has to do with her being Southern.

  GAIL PARENT: There was one line in this episode that we ended up using for the next three years, when we were trying to decide on a place where the Girls could go where we would get laughs. It came from the fun way Estelle delivered Sophia’s line, “Oh boy, we’re going to a sperm bank!” From then on, that became our code phrase for putting the Girls in some situation. Should they go to a hospital? And somebody would say, “Oh boy, we’re going to a sperm bank!” Which meant the situation probably had the comedic germ we were looking for.

  DEBRA ENGLE: I grew up in Chicago, but at the audition to play Rebecca, they instructed me to do a Southern accent, because of Blanche’s family’s background. I did a really mild one. When you do an audition for a guest part like this one, you don’t get the whole script, just your lines, what they call the sides. So when I heard I got the part, I didn’t really have any great expectations about it, because I didn’t realize just how funny this episode would end up being.

  The topic of artificial insemination was pretty risqué back then. When we taped the show, the audience just went insane. I had done a lot of sitcoms before The Golden Girls, and I would do a lot afterward. But I don’t think I’ve ever done anything where the audience responded like they did here. This was a topic people hadn’t heard about on TV before at that time—never mind to have those four ladies discussing it! I remember after we finished the taping that night, the producers said the episode had the biggest “laugh spread” [amount of filmed time spent on laughter] they’d ever had. And the writers were all running around really excited, because obviously the audience had liked a lot of the sperm jokes!

  EPISODE 108

  LOVE UNDER THE BIG TOP

  Written by: RICHARD VACZY & TRACY GAMBLE Directed by: TERRY HUGHES Original airdate: OCTOER 28, 1989

  Dorothy’s new boyfriend, Ken (Dick Van Dyke), is a real clown.

  Photo by ABC PHOTO ARCHIVES/ABC via GETTY IMAGES.

  Dorothy prepares for another date with Ken Whittingham (Dick Van Dyke), a handsome, wealthy lawyer. But Dorothy is most attracted to Ken’s sensitive and giving side; the man gives up his weekends in order to dress as a clown and entertain sick kids.

  When Ken calls and mentions he has something to discuss with Dorothy, the Girls naturally assume the man is ready to pop the question. It turns out Ken has made a major life decision, all right—to quit practicing law and become a full-time clown. But at dinner that night with her beau’s new carnie friends, Dorothy finds that she doesn’t fit in with the other clowns’ wives. And worse yet, when Ken asks her to join him in traveling with the circus, she fears she’ll have to break up with him.

  Meanwhile, Rose and Blanche come home from a day at sea upset about the dolphin they saw tangled in a tuna fisherman’s net. At Rose’s urging, they join the Friends of Sea Mammals and set off for a protest on a pier. And when some rough fishermen arrive and manhandle Rose, Blanche comes to her friend’s defense with a well-placed right hook.

  Arrested for trespassing, the Girls and their Friends of Sea Mammals mates await arraignment in the courtroom. But just as Dorothy makes a show of bragging to the judge (Mel Stewart, 1929–2002) about her lawyer boyfriend coming to the rescue, Ken clomps in in full clown regalia, complete with red wig and nose. His impassioned defense prevails, and in the end, the charges are dropped—but so is Ken. Dorothy has realized that she must not love the man, because if she did, clown or not, she would have been willing to follow him anywhere.

  COMMENTARY: This episode is noteworthy for several reasons—not the least of which the revelation that Blanche has a rich interior monologue in which she addresses herself as Water Lily. But the episode’s main attraction is its guest star, the legendary Dick Van Dyke. The Golden Girls producers had reached out to the multitalented actor repeatedly over the years, including offering him the guest star role in season-three episode “Charlie’s Buddy,�
� which eventually went to Milo O’Shea.

  Dick Van Dyke had started his Broadway career in 1959, and the following year won a Tony Award for originating the starring role of Albert Peterson in the classic musical Bye Bye Birdie. His singing and dancing performances in musical films of the sixties like Mary Poppins and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang continue to enthrall new generations. And in 1961, he began starring in the self-titled CBS show that would earn him three Emmy Awards, run for five seasons, and set a new standard for situation comedy. In 1993, he landed another long-running TV role in the detective drama Diagnosis Murder. Today, at ninetysomething, he continues to act on TV and in film, with an appearance in the 2014 big-screen sequel Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb.

  Playing the exasperated judge must have come easily to Mel Stewart, who was best known for playing Louise Jefferson’s exasperated brother-in-law, Henry, in nine episodes of the landmark seventies sitcom All in the Family. A veteran of TV and film, he also appeared from 1983 to 1987 on CBS’s hour-long spy comedy Scarecrow and Mrs. King.

  TRACY GAMBLE: When we came up with the B plot, we knew that the actresses were all involved in animal activism. I had spent a lot of time in Hawaii and San Diego, and so I was aware of protests over dolphin deaths. It seemed like a good subplot for the Girls. The only thing was tuna fishermen tend to be in the Pacific, not the Atlantic. So we kind of hoped nobody would notice that.

  RICK COPP: I remember that this episode was hilarious all week long, and we hardly had to change anything. And just having Dick Van Dyke there made it a special week. He was such a lovely guy, and I remember Bea was on cloud nine all week, because not only did she have a story about a love interest, but she got to play off of Dick Van Dyke.

  RUE McCLANAHAN: We very rarely got to do any animal rights stories, and this one had us marching on the pier carrying a sign saying, “Don’t buy tuna.” And I get to sock a guy in the jaw. Boy, I liked that.

  EPISODE 109

  NOT ANOTHER MONDAY

  Written by: GAIL PARENT Directed by: TERRY HUGHES Original airdate: NOVEMBER 11, 1989

  Days after attending the funeral of their mutual friend Lydia, Sophia and her friend Martha Lamont (Geraldine Fitzgerald, 1913–2005) meet at a swanky restaurant, where the once-mourning Martha seems to be displaying renewed vigor. But it turns out Martha’s euphoria arises from a dark place. Plagued with health problems, the elderly woman plans to commit suicide, and asks Sophia to come to her home to help.

  Unable to sleep that night, Sophia confesses the situation to the rest of the Girls; and while Rose objects to Martha’s plan on moral grounds, Dorothy is more concerned for her mother’s emotional well-being after witnessing the death of a friend. But Sophia decides what’s most important is to be there for Martha in her time of need.

  The next night, Sophia arrives at Martha’s apartment to find that the woman has already organized her affairs. Martha presses a new ten-carat ring into Sophia’s hand as a thank-you; but as the woman prepares to take her pills, Sophia exhorts her to focus on the positive parts of life. It soon becomes clear that Martha’s biggest problem may be not her physical ailments, but loneliness. As Sophia cries she notices tears on her friend’s face, too, which she presents to her as evidence that she’s not yet really ready to die.

  Meanwhile, the other Girls are excited to babysit their neighbors' newborn—who soon develops a fever. So Dorothy enlists the Girls’ neighbor, pediatrician Harry Weston (Richard Mulligan), to make a house call. But the true tonic turns out to be something that always worked for Rose back in St. Olaf: a serenade of the Chordettes’ 1954 hit song “Mr. Sandman.” While Sophia may think the Girls’ version really stinks, it works in putting the kid to sleep. Baby Frank’s fever eventually breaks, just as his parents return. As the other Girls leave the kitchen to answer the doorbell, Sophia steals a moment alone with the infant, telling him, as she has just successfully convinced Martha, that despite its twists and turns, life is a worthwhile adventure.

  The Girls bust a move to “Mr. Sandman.”

  Photo by ABC PHOTO ARCHIVES/ABC via GETTY IMAGES.

  COMMENTARY: In addressing assisted suicide, this episode touches on another controversial topic—and does it as only The Golden Girls could. Only a show with a feisty eightysomething protagonist like Sophia could deliver such a heartfelt lesson about life and yet throw in well-crafted punch lines at the same time.

  Playing Martha, Irish-born Geraldine Fitzgerald was a renowned actress from Hollywood’s Golden Age. She received a Best Supporting Actress Oscar nomination for her work in 1939’s Wuthering Heights, and that same year, starred opposite Bette Davis in Dark Victory. From the 1950s on, she found more work on stage and in television, appearing on such series as Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Naked City, St. Elsewhere, Trapper John, M.D., and Cagney & Lacey. In 1982, she became one of the first women to receive a Tony Award nomination for directing, for the play Mass Appeal. Among her later films, she appeared opposite Rodney Dangerfield in 1983’s Easy Money, and as the grandmother to Dudley Moore’s drunken title character in both 1981’s Arthur and its 1988 sequel. After Geraldine’s work on The Golden Girls, she played only one more part, in the 1991 CBS TV movie Bump in the Night.

  GAIL PARENT: We wanted to tackle controversial topics, because that was an important part of the show. There are not too many shows where you’d be able to portray comedy and tragedy at the same time like you could on The Golden Girls.

  I was so honored we were able to talk about rough concepts like assisted suicide and euthanasia. I remember when I first pitched the story, some of the other writers said, “How are we going to do that?” But my first novel, Sheila Levine Is Dead and Living in New York, was structured as a long suicide note, so clearly I must love approaching black humor in that way.

  TERRY HUGHES: The topic of assisted suicide was definitely a heavy one to tackle, but The Golden Girls had earned the right to go there.

  The episode’s B plot, with the Girls singing “Mr. Sandman,” wow was that funny. Especially when Bea came in with her low bass: “Yessss . . . ?” I remember that when the women first did the song at the table read, everybody fell apart with laughter. It was really the perfect counterbalance to the poignancy of the main plot, and that’s what the show always did so well.

  EPISODE 110

  DANCING IN THE DARK

  Written by: PHILIP JAYSON LASKER Directed by: TERRY HUGHES Original airdate: NOVEMBER 4, 1989

  While Blanche suffers through a dating drought, Rose has begun seeing her ballroom dancing partner, Miles Webber (Harold Gould), a college professor. On the dance floor, the two are perfectly compatible. But after attending a party at Miles’s apartment, Rose begins to fear that she isn’t smart enough to keep up with her new boyfriend’s brainy comrades. So she convinces Blanche to step in and attend a concert with Miles in her stead. Luckily, Miles does nothing all through the date but pine for Rose.

  The Girls all head down to the ballroom, where Blanche ends her slump by meeting an ear, nose, and throat doctor “who’s been looking for love in all the wrong places”; Sophia continues to make a dime a dance; and Dorothy melts into the arms of a fellow Glenn Miller fan during “Moonlight Serenade.” And most importantly, Rose confesses her fear of intellectual inferiority to Miles, who reassures her he finds her stories refreshing. “Life is a ballroom, Rose,” he tells her. “If you hear something you like, don’t analyze it. Just dance to it.”

  COMMENTARY: Over the course of The Golden Girls’ seven seasons, quite a few actors appeared multiple times, as multiple characters—but none so famously as Harold Gould. After his memorable appearance in season-one episode “Rose, the Prude” as Rose’s boyfriend and cruise ship companion Arnie Peterson, Harold returns here as her new man, Miles Webber. Ultimately, Miles would cross the Girls’ threshold again and again, becoming the only steady love interest any of them ever had during the run of the show. The frequently recurring character became an audience favorite, as evidenced by the fact that w
hen Rose, Blanche, and Sophia migrated over to the sequel series Golden Palace, it was a no-brainer that Miles should show up there, too.

  PHILIP JAYSON LASKER: The audience related to these four women so personally, as friends. And people liked seeing Rose with somebody to make her happy. One of the things we always liked addressing with the Rose character was the intelligence factor. And here, by making Miles a college professor, we could explore how one’s self-image affects a relationship, and whether love requires intellectual compatibility. We didn’t know at this time that Miles would end up becoming a recurring character. But he and Betty, despite us saying their characters were so different, worked so well together as a couple.

  The ballroom where Rose and Miles find their romantic rhythm.

  Photo courtesy of the EDWARD S. STEPHENSON ARCHIVE at the ART DIRECTORS GUILD.

  BETTY WHITE: It was a surprise to me that Miles and Rose would continue seeing each other, because as a big smart professor, he was far too intellectual for her. I don’t know what he saw in her. She was such a sexpot and was so gorgeously built . . . and maybe it was a nice switch for him that with all the intellectuals he knew with Rose he could just relax and enjoy her innocence.

  When you get into a scene on The Golden Girls, you’re playing with the big kids. And it was lovely doing scenes with Harold—not only was he up to the task, but I felt I was trying to hold my own with him. The one worry I would have was that I always had to make sure my lipstick was all powdered down, because I didn’t want to get it on his nice white moustache.