by Ruby Reade
I settle down on the toilet and realise I feel too drunk to get back up again. I rest my head for a minute on the sink next to me and enjoy the cool porcelain on my head.
I quickly look up when I hear a scratching noise half expecting to see a rat for some reason trapped in here with me. Instead, I see a different type of rat. Mike is staring at me through the window. It takes a full thirty seconds to realise that he is staring at me going to the toilet. I am on the toilet.
'Get lost you fucking freak.' I scream at him waving hand gestures at him to get across just how pissed off I am, literally pissed in all ways.
'Bang. Bang. Bang.' The door rattles on its hinges.
'What is going on in there?' Miranda shouts through the wood. Mike seems to have gone but I am terrified his face will pop back up.
I don't answer sitting there for another minute. When I am sure he won't reappear, I jump up I make my move and redress myself as fast as superwoman.
Fortunately for Mike he has left. I will deal with him tomorrow. Fucking peeping Tom.
***
The party is in full swing now. The whole toilet incident seems a distant memory. Drinking games started an hour ago and I have been losing every one of them.
Miranda is randomly dancing by herself in the corner to Justin, who is blaring out of the speakers at full volume. Nigel is outside on the phone and I am huddled up with Alex who turned up to celebrate exit from Tiffanies. We are on the sofa talking about my take on all the different breeds of people who frequent Tiffanies. It has all the makings of a wicked night, and all the promises of a terrible day after.
'Hey, let's hide all the bottles around the house.' Alex says, jumping up and leaving me in an undignified heap.
'Sounds childish and immature. Let’s do it.' I say grinning up at him. 'There are loads over there to start with.' I tell him pointing over to where there must be at least fifty empties. How have so few of us consumed so much drink?
'You will make a fine detective yet.' Alex tells me with a curtsey. We grab as many bottles as we can in a mad dash, and then split up to cover more ground undetected. I start in the kitchen with one in the washing machine. I hide the next bottle on top of the highest cupboard and another in the cupboard under the sink. Yes, this is definitely fun.
'Hey, I put one in the toilet cistern.' Alex pokes his head around the door to tell me, pulling me out of a daydream where I am a secret agent for MI5. He doesn't hang around and is off again before I can respond.
Deciding the kitchen is boring, I sneak upstairs to the bedrooms. Not because I want to snoop around Nigel's room, okay, maybe the thought occurred to me for just a split second.
I cautiously open the door, letting out a loud 'phew.' Thankful that no one is inside, and I haven't been caught, I dive in and shut the door behind me. I take a deep breath, and the idiot that I am, I make myself jump. So much for the rumour’s alcohol makes you bolder. Right, time to get on with the mission and hide as many bottles as possible.
'I will not snoop. I will not snoop.' Is my constant mantra. I desperately try not to look at anything and I start stuffing bottles anywhere and everywhere.
I can't help myself.
One under the bed, no porno. Surprising. One in his draw, oooh pants, sexy Calvin's. One in his coat pocket that is hanging in his wardrobe, it smells of him. One inside a boot, even I stop at smelling those.
I shut the door and check that nothing is out of place.
'Lucy.'
'Waaaaaaargh!' Talk about cat hitting the roof. I spin around and Alex is standing there swaying in front of me like a mad man. I smack him on the arm. Bloody jerk.
'You. Just. Gave. Me. A. Heart attack. You moron.' I shout giving him a well-deserved whack with each word. He stands there completely oblivious due to alcohol numbing his entire body, smiling at me a like a blow up doll.
I sit down on the bed to take a minute to compose myself. It doesn't seem to help any.
'Okay I'm off to find more places.' He says. I can't take him seriously while he is still modelling my bra over his shirt and wave him away. I can't work out who got the raw deal in all of this. I mean he looks stupid, but I, have saggy boobs.
God knows where he is off to now. I stand up and decide to plant one more for luck and then I'll go and get a drink. Its thirsty business all this sneaking about.
'Hello.' A voice says behind me. If I don't move or make a noise, he might just leave.
'Lucy.' Okay, maybe not.
'Hey you. Are you having a good night Nigel?' I ask going for over friendly, ditsy, oh my god, this is your room, kind of stupid drunk.
'Erm yeah. What are you doing in here young lady?'
'Sorry?' I ask. I still haven't moved and would be a definite winner of musical statues if we were playing.
'What are you doing in my room, you naughty little girl?' He asks, and I can hear the smile pouring into every word. Keep breathing. Just keep breathing, I tell myself. He leans into the back of me and rests his hands on my hips. To top it all off, my hormones have decided to join the party and are practically igniting like fireworks with excitement.
'Oh, you mean why am I in here?' I try to delay the inevitable and pull away to face him at last.
'Yes. That is what I would like to know.'
'Hey Luce I've just hi...' Alex bursts in and hastily adds, 'I can see you're busy.' And vanishes again as fast as he appeared.
'So, where were we?' Nigel asks, stepping closer again.
'Eeeeek.' He is my boss, my new boss. I get fired for sleeping with bosses, runs unhelpfully through my head.
'Lucy?’
'Hmmmm?'
'Look, you might as well stay the night. Miranda is already asleep on the sofa, and Alex is paralytic so I assume he will pass out before long.' He offers taking pity on me.
'Stay?'
'Yes. You can have my bed and I will take the spare one.' He persuades me.
'Oh, thanks, are you sure that is okay?' I ask mortified. I have clearly read this all wrong.
'I wouldn't offer otherwise.' He says heading for the door and giving me some breathing space. 'I know that you’ll think of me sleeping in here. I sleep naked by the way.' He winks at me before shutting the door. Well it's a shame I didn't bring my vibrator after that parting comment.
Chapter 13
Kevin
Time is definitely not on my side tonight. After subtly checking my phone under the table for possibly the hundredth time, I grit my teeth and force a smile. Why hasn't my Dad text me yet to give me the all clear?
'Hey baby boy you're looking tense.' Amy coos reaching across the table for my hand. I look down as she covers mine with hers and need to smother the urge to snatch it away. Not a moment too soon, my phone rings saving me from having to reply as though I am her Mr perfect and all round nice guy.
'Sorry Aimes, but I have to get this.' I apologise without even looking at her as I stand up and move away from the table. 'Hello... Hello? Dad?' I can mentally see her lips pouting in annoyance behind me which only makes me smile that bit more, knowing that I am finally free of her and can get my life back on track.
'Son. You sound happy to hear from me.'
'I am just waiting to hear those magic little words and then I am going to suddenly become very, very ill, so ill in fact that I have to leave immediately and can finally go and spend the rest of my life in peace.' I wave at the barman. A quick Sambuca will mark the occasion perfectly. Amy has been like a nasty shot, and once she's gone, I will be left with a warm feeling left in my stomach.
'The situation is this, son, I've seen her Dad, been tied up for hours with him and his accountant going over the books and our contract. We only have twenty-five percent of the payment.'
'What? You said, you… What exactly does this mean?' I don't know why I bothered asking because I already know exactly what this road bump is going to entail for me, and it's not the ending I have in mind at all.
'It's like this, you keep Amy sweet and you
continue to do so until we are paid and paid in full, then, you can do whatever the fuck you want. How does that sound? Clear enough for you?' He raises his voice, daring me to argue back with him.
'Are you having a laugh?' I hiss down the phone glancing back at Amy who hasn't taken her eyes off me and wiggles her fingers prettily. 'Just sort it out and call me tomorrow.' I tell him turning back to the bar again, frustration making itself at home on my face.
'Well, maybe you will learn a life lesson I obviously haven't been able to teach you through all of this.' He replies chuckling down the phone at me.
'What's that then? Not getting caught?' Slips out before I have a chance to engage my brain. 'Sorry Dad, I wasn't, you know.' I immediately apologise to the silent response. 'Look I've got to go and try to deal with things this end, if you could just keep on harassing him and keep me updated on the progress, I really want to put this to bed now.'
'Poor choice of words, but yes, I will. Oh, and have fun.' He answers before cutting the connection.
'Huh. Not likely.' I say to myself and down my drink. I shove my phone back into my pocket and head back over to the vulture. I watch her visibly relax with every step that brings me closer to her.
Well, if Daddy's little girl wants me that badly, I'll let her have the real me and see how badly she wants me then.
The first real smile I have cracked in what feels like a lifetime brightens my face and loosens my shoulders. I am ready to battle. The prize is my freedom. And I always win. My mind is racing with ideas on how best to play this.
By the time my arse hits the chair I am ready for phase one.
'Anyone important darling?' She asks fluttering her lashes, and I know she knows full well who it was.
'No, not really.' I say grinning like a lottery winner. I settle down and push out a loud clap of a fart. 'What? Who said that?' I ask twisting in my chair to look about. The look on her face is priceless and I suddenly see that tonight mught well be saved. In my point of view anyway. Amy might disagree by the time she gets home.
'Kevin.'
'Yeah? What?' I ask as petulantly as I can.
She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. She sits back folding her arms, trying to subtly look and see if anyone else heard.
Maybe if the entire pub is deaf then she could be in with a chance.
'Shall we get out of here?' I ask standing up.
'But I thought...'
'You thought what? Hmm?'
'Well I thought...' She stops mid-sentence when I let out another whopper and distracting her train of thought entirely.
'What?' I raise my hands and laugh in her face.
'Let's go.' She says throwing her coat on and stomping past me to the exit.
I follow behind feeling satisfied and watch her bum as it wiggles in front of me. It's a shame she is such a freak because she really does have a banging body. You can't have it all, I guess.
I can feel my phone vibrating in my pocket, hopefully it is my Dad calling to tell me he was only joking, and he has the money so the need to pimp me out to Amy is redundant.
Typically, it stops just as I pull it out.
'Are you coming or what?' Amy shouts across the car park to hurry me along.
'Erm. Sure.' I reply frowning down at the screen.
'Well, what are you standing over there for then? I thought you was in a rush to get out of here.' The pout is back. Hands are on the hips. She reminds me of the kid who never grew up, but not in a good way.
Sighing, I walk over to her, jamming my phone back into my pocket on the way.
We drive in silence towards her house. Thankfully.
'Right.' I turn to her. I leave the engine running.
'Aren't you coming in?' She asks with an inviting smile. Not too long ago I'd be over the moon.
'Oooh, I bet you say that to all the boys.' I gush and wave my hand over my eyes. I peek out at her when there is no response. I get another look. I jangle my keys and check my watch. 'Can't baby. Sorry, I have work in the morning.' I loosely apologise with a shrug and a look of my own.
'Oh, right, of course. That makes sense. So, I guess you'll call, or something?' She asks, still making no move to get out of the car.
'I will call you.' I promise knowing there is no way she will leave unless I do.
'No worries.' She is all smiles again. Leaning over I get a movie star kiss. It probably looks great to the onlooker, but the reality is very different.
Tap. Tap.
We break apart to find her Dad staring down at us through the window.
'Hello kids, good night?' Just the sound of his voice makes me grind my teeth.
'Oh yes Daddy, it was fantastic.' Not how I would describe it, but there you go. 'I'm just coming in now.' She changes from a woman to a five-year-old girl in the blink of an eye. 'Night, night Kev.' She waves at me and finally I am alone.
I literally flog my car and leave them behind as quickly as possible.
***
My phone starts vibrating just as I pull up outside my home.
'Hello?' I answer.
'He-e-e-y. I'm a bit drunk.' Lucy hiccoughs into my ear.
'Well I would have thought, that I would be the last person you might want to talk to, drunk or not.' I can't help but snap.
'Why do you think that? We're friends, aren't we? Hmmm friends. Friends that shag and argue. But, hang on. Bu-u-ut, what was I saying?'
'Do you want me to come and pick you up and take you home?' I offer. I sigh looking up at the moon.
'No, no. I'm fine, just wanted a, you know, a, chat.' She slurs and pauses her way through her answer.
'I would prefer it if you would call me when you are sober instead of tanked up.' I say to her, although there isn't much point because I doubt she will even remember this in the morning.
'I've just thought about that night we got drunk and made that detour to the park.' She says, forcing memories to bubble up.
'I don't want to talk about this right now Luce.' I say cutting her off.
'Right well I guess I will take my horny thoughts elsewhere then.' She says and I can imagine her folding her arms and scowling with the hump.
'What are you lining up a new boss already?' Comes out more aggressively than I had intended.
'Piss off. Go and fuck your new little whore for all I care, you're shit in bed anyway.' She shouts and hangs up leaving me fuming.
'Shit. Shitty shit, shit, fuck.' I hit the steering wheel again. I must be insane. The girl I want to be with calls up for a booty call and I basically tell her to get lost. 'Fucking stupid waste of space. You are a fucking prick Kevin.' I shout at myself.
My car door opens making me jump.
'Jesus. What is it with people sneaking up to my car?' I shout at a bemused looking Drew.
'Mate, you have to admit, you have been making a habit of sitting in your car and shouting at yourself recently. People are going to start questioning your mental state.' He warns raising an eyebrow for effect.
'Said from a man with experience of that then? Argh, fuck it. What is it with women? Who invented them?' I carry on shouting at him.
'That would be God.' The saucy shit answers back.
'Well me and him need a little chat about where he went wrong.' I wag my finger at him.
'Now then, Amy or Lucy? Which one has provoked this little tantrum?' He asks trying to look concerned but not quite pulling it off.
'I think we should take this inside though. Before long people will be queueing up to buy tickets.' I say climbing out of my seat.
Chapter 14
Lucy
I prise one mascara encrusted eye open, which is cruelly greeted by direct sunlight.
'Oooomf.' Quickly shutting it again. I roll over groaning and hide my face in the pillow.
Something doesn't feel quite right. My first thought is that I am not at home and this is not my bed. Then it dawns on me that although I went to bed fully clothed, I am now naked apart from my top. Frowning I des
perately try to piece the evening together in my mind.
Hiding bottles... getting caught by Nigel... then...
My eyes snap open. I had sex last night. I had sex with Nigel last night. A fresh wave of embarrassment washes over me when I remember how it started. Oh, no. Why the hell did I have sex with that freak after he did that?
'Crap balls.' I say. The sound of my own voice startles me. I struggle to sit up and keep the quilt locked around my body. My grip eases slightly when I realise I am in the room alone. Time to make a hasty retreat.
I jump out of bed, flinging clothes on haphazardly. I nearly cause myself an injury when I try to put both legs in my jeans at once whilst still standing. Alcohol lingering in my system is making everything fuzzy isn't helping.
Scooping up my handbag, I practically run out of the house. I only stop to breathe when the front door is firmly shut behind me. I lean against it and sigh. I am a moron. A complete and utter moron.
The door opens and I crash into a heap on the floor. I look up expecting the worst, but it is only Miranda. Miranda, on the other hand, was not expecting me to be there and has jumped five foot back in shock.
'Lucy? What the fuck? Jesus, my heart. Oh my head.' She clutches her chest and head in pain.
'Argh, my arse.' My bottom will need some serious TLC after last night and this morning.
'Are you okay?' She asks helping me to my feet.
'Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Are you working today?' I manage a semi-normal conversation.
'Eleven. Mike came back and woke me up with his snoring.' She pulls a face.
'You should have just thrown something at him.' The same way I should have thrown something at Nigel last night, like a no, maybe. I'm a bloody moron.
'True, true. Time for the walk of shame now. Mind you, it's not as bad when someone else is with you.' She says grinning and linking her arm through mine. 'After some of the noises I heard last night it seems you might have a little bit of shameful gossip for me.'
'Hmf. It's only called the walk of shame for girls. Have you noticed that men get to do the stride of pride? If I didn't hurt so damn much right now, I would definitely be striding.' I tell her and she smirks in response.