by Ruby Reade
'No comment.'
'Thank you.' I mumble and lean on her a bit more.
'Hey, I still want the gossip. I need to know what went on in Nigel's room of love.' She pushes with a wink and I know she won't let up until I tell her the gory, very gory, details.
I take a deep breath and start, 'I was sleeping, drunk and completely comatose when I was woken up to a finger being put where it shouldn’t go.' I stop for effect. I take her shock as confirmation that it wasn't just me being a prude, but it was in fact weird and invasive, and definitely overstepping several lines.
'I shot across the bed and flipped over a bit in shock, as you can imagine. And there was Nigel grinning at me. He said he really liked me and didn’t know anyone as fun as me.'
'Oh, my, gosh. What a freak.' My thoughts exactly.
'The funny thing was, when I realised it was him, I stopped worrying about what he was doing, but how bad my breath was. To be honest, I'm surprised he didn't pass out when he caught a whiff of it.' I say shrugging, still unable to believe out of the whole finger in bum incident, I worried about my bad breath.
'Well, he clearly wasn't put off by it though.'
'No, I vaguely remember having several rounds of drunken, sweaty sex before passing out again, and when I woke up, I was sore all over and Nigel had vanished.' I end my story with another shrug.
'Oh dear, oh dear, Lucy.' She raises an eyebrow at me.
'I know. Don't say it.' I warn. 'It's my turn off here anyway, so I'll see you in a few, and hopefully the bum boy will be too ashamed to make an appearance today.' I say crossing my fingers.
She hugs me back, 'Remember to keep your arse to the wall at all times in the future.' She helpfully suggests before laughing and walking off. I roll my eyes and head off towards home, a comforting hot shower and maybe twenty minutes in my own bed if I'm lucky.
***
Why, oh why, am I here today? I ask myself for the millionth time in under two hours. I feel as if I have been here for thirty hours, my hangover is a constant, my arse has been violated, and I am forced to serve fussy women who don't have to work. There is something seriously wrong with the way my life has gone. Everything was going along perfectly, and now look, one mistake everything has turned to shit.
I stare at the lady who keeps trying to talk to me but all I can focus on is how much her mouth moves. Luckily, Miranda has walked in and clocked my vacant stare and angry customer before rescuing me. She quickly deals with the knob that is cleverly disguised as a woman before moving me over to a chair and bringing over a tea without me saying a word to her. Tablets magically appear next to it, along with water and a muffin.
'Caffeine to wake you up, painkillers for your, erm you know, muffin for sugar and water to rehydrate.' She tells me before getting back to the line of people.
I deal with the pile in front of me as quickly as possible and drag myself back up to help. The phone rings as I walk past, nearly causing my brain to explode.
'Hello Tiffanies.' I answer and clutch my forehead.
'Hello Lucy, are you going out tonight?' A voice asks grabbing my attention.
'Oh, erm, maybe. Are you?' I ask back trying to be polite, they obviously know me, but I haven't got a clue. Hopefully it will click in a minute.
'Yeah me and the guys are going to Purple Palace and then Chaos.' He answers but my head is still too fuzzy to be able to recognise my own name if it was written down in front of me, let alone trying to decipher some random voice.
'Right, okay then, I might come down and find you later. Who are you going with?' I make another attempt to get some information that might tell me who it is.
'Just the usual lot.' He replies. Useless.
'Right.' I can't be bothered anymore. I slide down the wall and crouch down.
'Lucy, are you alright?' The mystery bloke asks.
'Sorry, but who is this?' I have to ask. I can't carry on anymore.
'Well, that is brilliant, Lucy. You are arranging to meet up with someone over the phone when you have no idea who you are talking to? What is wrong with you?' The penny drops. I close my eyes and sink even further down.
'Sorry, I am just a bit distracted at the minute, and I wouldn't have met some stranger, I wasn't planning on going out at all anyway, so just leave it.' My voice gets louder and higher with each word.
'Whatever.' He replies sounding more than a little annoyed.
'Look Kevin, I am running a busy coffee shop and I am too busy to be having a pointless conversation with you.' I say desperate to just get him off the phone so I can curl up and sleep somewhere.
'Do you remember calling me last night?' He changes the subject, and I can hear the smile in his voice.
'What? When?' I ask trying to concentrate. I definitely didn't call him. I'm sure I didn't. Well, I don't remember calling, but, no, no I absolutely didn't call. He is making it up to piss me off.
'You left a message as well calling me a few choice names when I turned you down.' He adds.
'Turned me down? I don't think so. You are taking the piss now. I didn't call you at all last night. Why would I?' I hiss down the phone at him.
'No need to get shirty, I can play you the message if you like.' He tells me calmly making me panic. 'Anyway, I think we should talk about us.' He throws out there.
'Fine.' I agree, really needing to end the call and try to rack my memory.
'Talk later then, text me where you are, and I will find you.' He says hanging up without a bye or a chance to say anything else. I look at the receiver and try to remember what he had just said and struggle. God knows how I am going to recall anything I said last night. I still find it hard to believe, I was capable of speaking clearly enough for him to have been able to understand a message. I put the phone back lost in thought.
'Lucy' Miranda calls. 'Help please.' She says. but it is more of a plea. I see her trapped with one of The Mums and the resulting impatient queue.
I nod and rush over to give her a hand. While I serve the next six people, I listen to the woman Miranda is helping and I am still astounded at the way they effortlessly split a conversation with ease.
'No, I'll change my mind, I want a...TOMMY WILL YOU PUT THAT DOWN... hot chocolate and a... IF YOU TOUCH THAT AGAIN YOUNG MAN I WILL CALL YOUR DAD... actually just a hot chocolate, thank you.' She smiles sweetly at a harassed looking Miranda while Tommy sits on the floor and sulks.
My phone beeps under the counter and I smile feeling important when I get a message or call, it's probably EE texting to tell me how big my bill is.
I sneakily check it in-between customers.
'Hi Luce did we have sex xx'
Wasn't what I was expecting to read and nearly choke on my own saliva.
'Who's that?' Miranda asks trying to nose over my shoulder.
'The bum invader.' I reply putting it back out of sight. Her eyebrows rise to her hairline and my phone beeps again.
'Actually I no we did I just thought of it x'
I read his text again. I can't work men out, does this mean he wants to talk about it? Enjoyed it? Wants to do it again even?
'What does it say now? Are you going to reply?' Miranda leans in trying to read over my shoulder. I pass it to her so I can get some space.
'What do I say to that then?' I ask her opinion.
'Just say, why did you ask then.' She says handing my phone back to me. I type in what she said, and we wait staring at my mobile.
It beeps and vibrates in my hand. We look at each other and each pull a face.
'Don't know really just thought of it...y? U angry about it x'
Angry because you gave me an unusual wake-up call? I'm not sure how I feel about it all. It's sort of funny, sort of horrifying and weird, so I suppose I am angry with him but I figured it would be one of those disastrous situations that happen, but no one talks about and glosses over it until everyone has forgotten all about it.
'Not angry x'
I text back putting a kiss to prove I am
okay about it all but don't really want to talk about it either.
'Whooolawhooop.' Miranda screeches into my ear bring my headache straight back.
I spin around and just look at her. She is prodding her finger into her bum cheek. She doesn't care because she is too busy laughing at me, again. I can't blame her I guess.
I roll my eyes at her and she pulls herself together.
'Best remember to keep your back to the wall at all times, because now you have told him you're not angry this bum invasion might become a more regular thing.' She warns with a massive grin.
I give her another look. Standing up straight, she composes herself again.
'Not funny yet?' She asks.
'No, not yet.' I tell her.
'What about now?' She tries again.
'No.'
'Now?' She asks, doing an impression of Nigel.
'Maybe.' I give in.
'Whoolawhooop.' She screams again startling all the customers.
At least I can make people laugh with the disaster area that makes up my life.
When I grow up, I want a normal life.
Chapter 15
Lucy
'Okay, so tell me again. What happened with the whole, you know, situation?' Kate whispers and wiggles her fingers still shocked and unable to get her head around it.
I sigh and wave her request away, picking up my drink again.
'Oh come on, you have to admit it is one for the history books.' Laura claims and holds her drink up to toast on her own. 'First you shag one boss and walk out, and now, your next boss, who is fit by the way, wants a piece of that fine ass.' She recaps the story just in case anyone might have forgotten.
I slam my drink down and stare at her.
'What?' She asks innocently.
I look around Revival to check that Kev hasn't decided to come here instead. He is contrary like that.
'Fine, fine, what actually h...'
'Why haven't you got a boyfriend?' Some repulsive meathead shouts in my ear. I turn around and look him up and down. An extremely, paralytic man with sweat stains, and a beer belly, how appealing.
'How do you know I haven't?' I hate men.
'Well do you?' He asks deciding it is the appropriate moment to grab my bum in a hard squeeze.
'No I don't.' comes out before I can stop myself, too distracted by another bum invasion.
'Why not then?' He persists. Oh fabulous, now he is leaning in and stinking of booze, stale breath and B.O. 'I think you're beautiful.' He says trying a different approach. The more he leans in, the further I lean back. Now my back is at breaking point and I look like I am in the middle of a yoga class.
'Look, I do not have one and nor do I want one. So do yourself a favour, save your time and piss off.' I shout pointing my finger in his face to drive the point home.
Satisfied when he just stares at me, I twist around and stumble out of his clutches so I can carry on talking to the girls who have been watching in amusement rather than helping.
I look back and see him lurch over to some other poor girl. Men.
'Can we get a drink?' I ask. trying to distract Kate and Laura's disgusted gaze that follows the meathead.
When I get no response, I swivel around again and make my way to the bar.
My low-cut top is not going to help me get a drink tonight unless the barmaid's like women. Instead, I lay pretty much my whole top half over the bar and wave a note at them. After ten minutes of being completely bypassed for any bloke that wanders over, I decide I must be invisible.
I feel a breeze coming from somewhere behind me and turn around to see some random alcoholic blowing into my hair, can my night get any better? Seriously. I let my head collapse into my waiting hands. He continues, and I can't even draw up enough energy to say anything. If this is a new kind of pulling technique, then I think I must be getting old.
I can take it no longer.
'Why the fuck are you smelling me?' I shout. Kate clocks me with a new freak. She is sniggering, and nudging Laura to look. I am getting pissed off now.
'Well I thought you was so pretty, and I wanted to see if you would smell as good as you looked.' He tells me. It's a real shame he looks like he does and is as old as he is.
Determined to make the best of a bad situation, I smile sweetly at him.
'Seeing as you have been smelling me, I think I deserve a drink as compensation.' I go as far as batting my eyelashes at him.
'Ah, go on then a pretty girl like you shouldn't be without a drink.' He leans over me, clicks his fingers and a barmaid appears instantly. At least I know who to ask when I'm dying of thirst next.
I turn back to the girls and put my thumbs up.
Walking over to them I hold my glass up like a trophy. 'Talking to weirdo's does have its advantages.' I say finally happy.
'What happened to ours?' Laura demands of me.
'When you next get sniffed by some random then you can get a drink.' I tell her and start dancing.
'Give us a swig of that.' Kate says as she lunges in, but I manage to swerve it out of her grasp. It would have been worth it if someone hadn't moulded themselves to the back of me, so I catch my elbow and lose half of my drink anyway.
I take a deep breath trying to remember I was happy less than thirty seconds ago. I don't notice Kate and Laura looking horrified as I turn around. Not sure if I should be apologising or not.
I take in the dripping, tanned arm attached to a male body. His t-shirt is now plastered to an amazing stomach. Waiting to be shouted at, I slowly look up into Jamie's grinning face, and I breathe out.
'I didn't realise it was meant to be a wet t-shirt contest tonight.' He says shaking his arm off and trying to pull the wet fabric from his skin. Personally, I think he looks better wet.
'I. Am. So, so, so sorry.' I shout over the music and start to wipe his stomach dry before realising what I am doing and stopping dead.
'Hey, if all I needed to do was let you throw a drink over me to get your hands on my body then you can throw a drink over me any time.' He tells me laughing at my reaction. If he was anything like Kevin, he would have the raving hump, shouted at me and stormed home because I had ruined his precious top.
'Oh, it's you.' I turn around and square up to Marty.
'Lovely to see you too mate.' I give him a fake smile.
'Oh Lucy, you remember my mate Marty, right?' Jamie asks oblivious to the tension.
'Yep, how could I forget?' The annoying arsehole that hates me. I add the last part to myself and smile at Jamie.
'Darling, no girl, man or beast could forget all of this.' He sounds confident. I watch him dusting his waistcoat and looking smugly at me. I would do anything to make him disappear. Kate and Laura snorting, barely concealing apparent disbelief behind me does the trick, and I happily watch his face change.
'Oh, sorry, this is Kate and Laura, girls, this is Jamie and Marty.' I do the introductions.
'Figures they're your friends.' He leans over to tell me before turning around and being swallowed up by the crowd.
'Sorry about him.' Jamie says putting a hand on my shoulder.
'No worries, but I hope you aren't trying to dry yourself on me.' I warn slapping his bum.
'That offer is so tempting. You have no idea how much I like the sound of that, but I really need to go after him. Oh and something came up for Saturday but I will pop in next week and sort a new date.' He points behind him into the crowd. Oh well, Marty wins again.
'That is fine, I'll see you Monday or something.' I say feeling my shoulders slump.
'But of course, I practically live there.' He reminds me. Moving quickly, he kisses me on the side of my mouth sending fizzing straight through to my chest.
I watch him disappear the same way Marty vanished smiling to myself. It could be the drink, or the kiss. Knowing me it's probably a bit of both. Turning around grinning like a nutter, the smile disappears as quickly as Jamie did when I see I am on my own.
I stand on
my toes as high as I can get to try to spot the girls, but it's pointless. It is a sea of clones on the dance floor. All the girls look the same and have identical dance moves.
Drunken men are joining in now so it must be nearly closing time. It's the only time they venture out. Desperate to make a move on a girl, any girl, and they hope that by this point of the night, the girls are too drunk to know any better.
I catch a glimpse of Jamie and Marty heading out of the exit, neither looks happy.
I make my way over to the smoking area. I should get signal there. I dance as I go, only pausing for a mouthful of drink here and there. When I go to step through the door a bouncer that resembles a Russian gangster grabs me tightly by the arm.
'Hey.' I try to get out of his grip.
'You are too drunk and need to leave.' He orders. When I move to twist out of his hold again, he just tightens his hand and propels me in the direction of the exit. How bloody embarrassing. I'm glad now that Jamie had left.
'But, but I don't want to go yet. My friends are still here.' I reason with him to no answer.
'But I'm not that bad, I promise. I haven't even fallen over yet.' I say begging him to understand.
'Miss, you are too drunk, and we have a responsibility to you to make you leave.' He delivers his line perfectly without looking at me.
'But...wait...hey, I can still walk in a straight line and say the alphabet.' I try to tell him. He is clearly on a power rush and decided to make an example of me.
'I am not asking. I am telling you to leave.'
'Fine.' I sulk and drag my feet, so he needs to use more effort to pull me along.
Finally free and outside the barriers, I look back at him standing there with his arms folded. He is staring at me as if I am going to make a break for it and dive back inside when he isn't looking.
I stick my finger up at him and stomp away, pulling out my fags and phone.
I walk down the high street looking for a passing taxi. What a night. I have had enough now and just want a cheese sandwich, a pint of water and my bed.
I can't believe they disappeared on me like that, and not even a text or a phone call.