“Fuck those bitches. Who are the bitches?”
She burst out in laughter. “My bestie is such a little intellect. I don’t know. My dad made it up. It’s the world. It’s whoever hurt you. For me, it was Blane Davenport my junior year in high school. The little wanker cheated on me and dumped me for Carrie Blank. Apparently, she put out. Then it was Mrs. Hiney for giving me the first and only ‘B’ I’ve ever received in my life.”
I forced a smile and wiped at my face. “And for me, it’s Cruz. I just can’t believe I’m sitting here on the floor crying over him. After everything we’ve been through. I never saw this coming.”
“I know. I do think he’s going through a lot, but I’m not here to defend him. He owed you more than what you got, that’s for sure. So, fuck those bitches. It’s his loss. He will rule the day he left you,” she fist-bumped the air.
I laughed. “I think you mean rue the day. We don’t need him ruling the day he dumped me.”
I pushed to my feet and helped her up. “That makes more sense. Do you feel any better?”
“I actually do,” I said.
I didn’t. But I’d deal with it. The least I could do was put on a brave face and fake it.
The next few days I went through the motions. I went to class, worked long hours with Elaine doing research and even agreed to meet my dad and his girlfriend Sara for dinner. Sara worked with him and she’d always been more like family to me. They’d made it official, and I was happy that Dad wasn’t alone anymore.
Cruz’s family was still a daily topic on the internet and social media. His mother had been released and Cruz and Lennon had returned to their tour. There were divorce rumors, and rumors that Cruz and I were no longer together because I’d been MIA since everything happened.
But they were wrong. I wasn’t MIA. I’d been erased. Like a faint, unimportant memory. I still cried myself to sleep every night, but I’d grown angry with each passing day. I’d texted him a few more times and he’d never responded to any of my texts and I wanted to kick myself for looking so desperate. I’d lost my boyfriend and my best friend in the blink of an eye. He’d been my person. My everything. And he’d wiped me away—like I’d never existed.
“Hey, Jady bug. You hungry?” Dad asked when I walked up to our favorite Italian restaurant and I found him and Sara standing outside waiting for me.
“Hey, guys.” I hugged them both before walking inside.
We sat at a table in the back, and I tried to push thoughts of Cruz out of my head. We’d eaten here so many times together. Everything reminded me of him.
“So, what’s happening?” Sara asked. “How’s Cruz doing?”
I bit down on my bottom lip. Not telling them hadn’t felt like a lie, but pretending Cruz and I were still together now, would definitely be a lie.
“Cruz and I aren’t together anymore,” I said as the waiter approached, and we quickly placed our order. Dad stared at me with surprise and hurried the waiter away.
“What happened?” he asked.
“I don’t really know. He said he wanted to distance himself from me. I guess I don’t fit into his life anymore. He broke up with me.” I shrugged, fighting hard to keep it together. Fuck those bitches, I whispered in my head over and over, in an attempt to act unaffected.
“Sweetie, I’m sorry. When did this happen?” Sara asked, scooting her chair closer to me.
I sat up straight, making it known I wasn’t going to fall apart. I was done with all of that. Well, maybe not when I was alone, but I wouldn’t break down in public.
“It’s been a week now.” I reached for the bread and forced myself to eat a bite. I’d been nauseous for days. Obviously, my heart and my appetite worked together, because I hadn’t been hungry since the day Cruz dumped me.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Are you okay?” Dad asked, taking my hand and squeezing it.
Oh, please don’t do that. Please don’t make me feel vulnerable.
“Please, Dad.” A lump formed in my throat, and I stared up at the ceiling, exhaling slow breaths as I tried to stay in control.
“You don’t always have to be tough, kiddo. It’s okay to ask for help,” he said.
“You can’t help me with this. It’s just something I have to deal with,” I said.
Dad and Sara exchanged a look, and my father nodded at me. “Okay, but I’m here for you. Always. You know that, right? I’m much cooler than you think I am.”
Sara and I laughed at the same time, and I swiped at the single tear that managed to get through my stoic front.
“Thanks, Dad. I’ll keep that in mind.” I forced a smile.
But just like every other day, my mind wandered back to Cruz. I wondered if he thought of me anymore or if he’d moved on already. If I was that easy to replace.
And then I remembered my new mantra.
Fuck those bitches.
And I pulled myself together.
When I got home that night, I pulled out Mom’s journal. It somehow made me feel less alone.
April 3rd
Dear Journal,
I’ve been so overwhelmed lately. I have so much going on with school, and my job at the studio has turned in to a lot more hours than I ever expected. I’m not complaining. It’s what I wanted. I need to focus and work hard if I’m ever going to get there.
Jack and I met for a quick cup of coffee today because I’ve barely had time to see him. He’s busy at the fire academy, and my time is so limited, that I honestly feel like the crappiest girlfriend. I asked him if he was going to break up with me, because things wouldn’t be slowing down for me until after finals. My heart ached at the thought of it, but I’d also get it if he wanted someone who could give him more.
He laughed. He said he’d never give up that easily, and he’d never give up on me. Not sure how I got so lucky to have the sweetest boyfriend, but I’m thankful for him. Okay, that’s all the time I have today.
Ciao for now,
J.E.
I stared at Mom’s words and my chest squeezed. I was happy my father had been supportive. Cruz had always supported me. He just wasn’t willing to fight for me.
And nothing had ever hurt me more.
Chapter Eighteen
Cruz
I tipped back the whiskey and relished the liquid as it burned the back of my throat. The days had bled together since we’d gone back on tour after our brief leave for personal reasons. You get a whole week off when your mom tries to take her own life to escape your father’s cheating ass. I suppose I had Vicodin to thank for my current state of numbness. Tia was giving me a few pills a day, and when I mixed them with all the other shit I was taking and swallowed it all down with a shit ton of bourbon—I was able to forget for a while.
I had this ache in my chest that hadn’t left since the last time I’d spoken to Jade. But sometimes doing the right thing sucked ass. I’d manned up and did what needed to be done. For her sake. Unlike my selfish prick of a father, I thought of my girl before myself. She could do a hell of a lot better than me. We both knew it. She was just too fucking loyal to admit it. Fuck, even that boy scout Brayden was better for her than I was. That’s probably why I hated the preppy asshole.
The funny thing about numbing yourself is that the pain is always there when the buzz wears off. It meant you had to stay consistently fucked up. Lucky for me, I was pretty good at consumption. I was an overachieving asshole. It must run in the family.
I was basically surviving on booze and pills. I had no appetite anymore. I rarely slept. And I fucking hated everyone around me. I went through the motions when I performed. Everything a blur. The one thing that had come out of this was that I was writing a shit ton of music. Apparently, when you rip your fucking heart from your chest—the words tend to flow.
Who knew?
“Let’s go, Cruz,” my brother said f
rom my doorway, studying the bottle in my hand like he hadn’t been a drunk asshole for years who I’d taken care of before. Now he was a dickhead, judging my every move.
I wiped my mouth with the back of my sleeve. “I’m ready.”
“You look like shit.”
I rolled my eyes. “Do I look like I care?”
“No, you sure as fuck don’t. Did you know Mom went into a program today? Checked herself in and everything.” My brother walked beside me as he spoke, and it took all my strength not to stop and punch him in the face. He thought he was my moral compass now? Was he fucking kidding me?
“Why are you telling me like there’s some kind of life lesson in it for me? I’m the fucking one who has put up with this entire family’s bullshit for years. Don’t come at me like you have a clue what I’m going through. You don’t. I’ve been taking care of your ass for years, or have you forgotten?” I spewed. My anger was at an all-time high. I’d always been a moody fucker, but I was explosive now. And you know what? It felt fucking good. It was about time I told him how I felt.
“And I’m trying to be there for you now.” Lennon paused and leaned against the wall as Tia finished up her set.
Bailey stood across from us, watching Lennon like she couldn’t stand to be apart from him for a second. Fuck them. I didn’t want to be around it.
“Okay, Let’s go,” Luke said, his gaze locked with mine.
Luke was the one person who hadn’t turned on me yet. He respected my space and I appreciated it. But I felt like he was getting close to crossing the line just like Lennon and Adam had the last two weeks since Jade and I had broken up. Since my parents had separated. Since my mother had admitted she had a problem. Since the media had dragged my family through the fucking mud. Every dirty little secret had come out. This wasn’t my father’s first affair, and Victoria wasn’t even his youngest prey. My parents apparently had a sex tape, and it had been leaked to the world for everyone’s viewing pleasure. My brother’s overdose was now common knowledge.
And everyone wanted to let me know how to feel about it. Adam had gotten in my face several times telling me I was out of control. Lennon was all over my case. And I didn’t give a fuck what any of them thought.
I did, however, think of Jade’s father over the last few weeks, and how relieved he must be that his daughter was no longer with me. I hated that my family was part of my story. They defined who I was. I was certainly judged for it. Photo’s of me were splashed all over magazines like the poster boy for my parent’s sins. People wondered when I’d snap and fuck up like everyone else in my family. Rumors had spread that Jade and I had broken up, but neither of us had made a statement. Hell, it wasn’t like I wanted someone else. I wished it were that simple. I’d love to fuck other girls to get Jade out of my head. But it wasn’t happening. I had no desire to be with anyone else. And I couldn’t be with her. Setting Jade Moore free was the one decent thing I’d done in my life. I’d ignored her texts and calls after our breakup. What was the point in dragging the inevitable out? Nothing worth fighting for here. Dex patted me on the back as we walked toward the stage. Surprisingly, he bothered me the least right now. He stayed out of my business, or he was too fucked up to care. I respected it. He did his own thing. Not sure why that bothered me so much before. But I got it now.
“Let’s go kick some ass,” Dex said as I jogged out on stage.
Tia started to move our way and paused, jumped on me, wrapping her legs around my waist and kissed me before I could even process what was happening. She tasted like whiskey and lemons. Her fingers were tangled in my hair and I bit down on her bottom lip to cut off the kiss. My arms grabbed her hard and pushed her down.
“What the fuck was that,” I shouted in her ear over the screaming cheers that came from the crowd.
“You can thank me later.” She smiled and jogged off stage.
Christ. I shook my head and started the show. Everyone had lost their fucking minds.
I faked my way through the first set. I avoided all songs that had been written for Jade, which meant we were performing a lot of our old shit. When we finished up our show, I walked backstage.
“Don’t ever pull that shit again.” I pointed my finger at Tia.
“Relax, Winslow. You’re single, I’m single. It makes for good press.” She handed me two pills and I threw them back, chasing them down with a long pull of whiskey.
“I don’t give a shit. I’ll embarrass your ass the next time you pull a stunt like that.”
“It’s time to get back on the horse. Move on. You’re a fucking rock star who broke up with his girlfriend. Why don’t you act like it?” She rolled her eyes.
“Mind your own fucking business, Tia.” I got in her face, and Adam and Lennon moved between us.
The crowd chanted. Of course, they wanted “More of Me,” which I refused to sing. I’d sang it too many times to Jade, and I couldn’t get her face out of my head. I didn’t care what they paid me, I wasn’t doing it.
“Okay. You’ve got to pick something new, Cruz.” Luke put a hand on my shoulder.
“How about, ‘Bleeding Out,’” Adam said. I’d written it last week, and we hadn’t performed it yet. And yes, it was for Jade, but the audience didn’t know that. And after Tia’s bullshit stunt, people would assume Jade and I weren’t together anymore.
“Fucking fine.” I stormed back out on stage.
“We’ve got something new we want to sing for you,” I said. I hated that I had to give this to them. Expose myself this way. I fucking hated it. I was a slave to this fucking life.
The music started, and I closed my eyes for a minute, gaining my composure.
Sunshine’s gone, ain’t no doubt,
Skies are gray, heart’s torn out.
Numb and empty, don’t want to feel,
Pills and booze, that’s the deal.
Now there’s darkness, clouds of rain,
Anything, to avoid the pain.
All the good is gone somehow,
Sins piled high upon me now.
Bleeding out, since you’ve been gone,
Don’t sleep, don’t eat, the days are long.
But knowing you are shining bright,
Is worth my battles day and night.
Spread your wings and fly away,
Little bird with eyes of jade.
Beautiful girl with lots of dreams,
You will always be my queen.
Took off the chains and set you free,
The most unselfish act by me.
Find your happiness, out on your own,
Leave me here to wallow alone.
Bleeding out, since you’ve been gone,
Don’t sleep, don’t eat, the days are long.
But knowing you are shining bright,
Is worth my battles day and night.
Time will heal, you will see,
But you’ll remain a part of me.
Life isn’t fair, it’s so unkind,
My heart I just can’t seem to find.
It will forever belong to you,
No matter what I say or do.
Find your happiness, out on your own,
Leave me here to wallow alone.
Bleeding out, since you’ve been gone,
Don’t sleep, don’t eat, the days are long.
But knowing you are shining bright,
Is worth my battles day and night.
The crowd went crazy, just like they always did when they got another piece of my soul.
The next few days were brutal. News that my mother had filed for divorce from my father and checked into rehab had spread, along with photos of Tia with her legs wrapped around me, mauling me like a fucking vulture. The headlines were cruel, saying I’d kicked Jade to the curb, one said, out with the old—in with the new, and a f
ew dubbed Tia and I a rock-and-roll power couple. My gut wrenched when I thought of Jade. I thought of texting her to let her know it was all bullshit, but what was the point? We both needed to move on. She hadn’t reached out to me again, so I could only assume that’s what she was doing. The thought of her with someone else did something to me. My chest ached and no amount of pills or booze could make it go away.
We were loaded on the tour bus and headed back east, and I dropped down on my bed to write. I had a nice buzz, which is when I wrote best. There was a knock on the door, because these fuckers never left me alone.
“What?” I said, no humor in my voice.
“Hey, what’s up?” Lennon said, stepping inside my room and closing the door behind him.
“Not much. Where’s your shadow?” I snarked. Lennon and Bailey were attached at the hip these days.
“She’s taking a nap. I wanted to see if you’d go with me to visit Mom next week. There’s a family day, and I think it’s important we support her right now.”
I ran a hand over my face. “I don’t think going fucked up to rehab is a good idea, so I’ll skip Kumbaya with the Brady Bunch this time around.”
“You’re an asshole. You could just try sobering up for a few days, ever thought of that?”
“Sure. But I choose not to. It’s your turn to lead this family for a while. We’ll see how long you stay sober,” I said.
I hated myself as the words left my mouth, but what the fuck was new. There wasn’t much to like about me these days. I was proud of my brother for all he’d overcome and berating him for it wasn’t cool. But I was an asshole, and I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate anyone.
“Have you been on the internet today?” he asked while he scanned his phone.
“Believe it or not, Lennon. Some of us have to work. I’m writing lyrics so the label will let me the fuck out of this band. I don’t have the same luxuries as you to sit around surfing the net.”
He shook his head at me. “You’re out in a few months. Why are you still bitching and complaining? Not sure why you’re trying to get out of the band anymore, when you dumped the only thing that was actually good in your life. And what the fuck will you have to do when you leave Exiled now? You going to sit alone in a house and drink yourself to death? Look in the mirror, Cruz. You’ve become everything you hate. You’re a pill-popping, drunk who goes through the motions, all while being a dick to everyone around you. And for the record, yes, you write the lyrics. But you don’t do shit to keep this band together otherwise. You separate yourself from everyone, hiding away in your room all the time. You’re a sloppy, drunk asshole when you are around. I write the music to go to your fucking lyrics, genius. I’m the one who makes sure we’re all at practice, who gets our shows organized, who’s been flying all over the fucking globe to meet with your future replacement, all so you could go live this normal life with Jade. And go fucking figure, you dumped her before we got you out. You couldn’t make it one fucking year. You threw it all away, because, why? Because Dad’s an asshole? Guess what, brother—Dad’s always been an asshole. Mom’s always been a mess. Welcome to life. Get the fuck over it and pull yourself together.” Lennon pushed to his feet, and my mouth hung open as I stared at him.
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