I was equal parts impressed and annoyed. Who the fuck did Lennon think he was? After all the shit he’d put me through. But at the same time—holy fucking shit. My brother was behaving like a grownup, and I couldn’t help but be proud of him.
“Okay, good talk. Is that what you came here to tell me? That I’m a worthless prick? Thanks for the memo,” I said before turning to stare at my laptop like I didn’t have time for him. The truth was, I couldn’t look at my brother right now, because I knew he was right. I just didn’t know if I cared enough to do anything about it.
He opened the door, but before he stepped out, he turned around to face me. “I actually came to see if you saw Jade’s statement. Even with what you did to her, she still has your back.”
I waited until he left and quickly googled Jade’s name to see what the fuck he was talking about. She’d given her first statement ever. Jade had always avoided the press even when we were together and never gave them anything. She’d obviously been hounded since the photo of Tia and I had gone viral. My chest squeezed and I closed my eyes for a minute. She was the one person I hadn’t wanted to disappoint, and I’d failed her in so many ways. Ultimately, I’d set her free, which was the only unselfish thing I’d ever done. But I doubted she saw it that way.
She gave them enough to make them go away. I knew the process all too well.
The article stated that Jade had been asked if we’d broken up, or if I’d cheated on her. Her statement was brief, but it pained me to read her words.
Cruz and I did not break up because of any third party. He will always be my best friend, and though we aren’t together anymore, I want him to be happy. He deserves that.
A lump formed in the back of my throat, and my eyes stung, so I squeezed them closed. I moved to my feet and grabbed a bottle of whiskey from my closet and chugged it until the lump in my throat disintegrated. I reached for my phone to send a text.
Me ~ Hey. I need some Vicodin.
Tia ~ I’m not giving you more unless you start speaking to me again. Get over it. It was a kiss. It helped us both out. Don’t flatter yourself. It didn’t mean anything to me either.
Me ~ This IS me speaking to you.
Tia ~ No. This is you using me.
Me ~ And that’s a problem because??
Tia ~ You’re an asshole, Winslow.
Me ~ Tell me something I don’t know. You used me when you mauled me on stage, right? You owe me one.
Tia ~ Touche. See you at the next stop.
I typed one more text to get things in motion.
Me ~ Hey. Can we pull over soon? I need to get some air and get off this bus.
Luke ~ Yes. I will have him get off at the next exit.
That was easy. Tia’s bus was behind ours, so they’d pull over with us. My addiction was calling the shots now, and after reading Jade’s statement, I needed to check out for a while. It was all about survival now, and I was doing what needed to be done.
Chapter Nineteen
Jade
“At least there’s no one following us anymore,” Ari said as we walked to class.
“That’s definitely a bright side.”
I’d finally made a statement that Cruz and I were no longer together, and just like that, I didn’t exist anymore in that world. I wasn’t complaining. I hated that aspect of dating Cruz. There were parts of me that felt freer than I had in a long time. Like the constraints had been cut, and I wasn’t being analyzed by everyone around me. My relationship under a microscope.
But my heart—it wasn’t okay.
It probably never would be.
There was a constant ache in my chest, accompanied by a permanent lump in my throat. I still had no appetite, and I was going through the motions in life. Trying to act like everything was okay when I was far from okay. I still cried myself to sleep at night. I actually looked forward to it each day, because it was the only time when I could let it all out. It was my ritual, and I felt both tortured and relieved when I sobbed myself to sleep. Sadness enveloped me like a blanket, and I didn’t know if I’d ever be free of it. This feeling like something was missing. Because it was.
I was a logical girl. I wanted to believe this would pass. But somehow, deep in my soul, I knew it wouldn’t. Cruz Winslow was the love of my life, whether that was a good thing or not, he was. I’d never felt that kind of connection with another person, and I missed it.
I missed him.
I was used to speaking to him multiple times a day. FaceTiming and talking. Visiting one another as often as we could. And now it was all just—over. I told him everything. And now I felt incredibly alone. Even surrounded by so many people—I was alone.
Seeing the photos of Cruz and Tia hurt more than I could ever put into words. It made me physically ill. Her legs were wrapped around his waist just like mine had always been. I couldn’t see his face in any of the pictures, as her head blocked it, but I was thankful for that. I didn’t want to see the desire in his eyes. The smile on his lips. I wanted to hate him, I really did. But I couldn’t. I loved him too much.
“If you want to come to Jace’s for pizza and football tonight, text me,” Ari said when we approached Winslow hall. There were reminders of him everywhere, including the building donated by his father.
“I have research today, and I’ll probably work late. But I’ll text you when I’m heading home.” I turned to walk in the building. I hadn’t been out since Cruz and I had broken up, and before that I’d had mono, so to say I’d been a dud this semester was an understatement. Thankfully Ari stopped trying to get me to go out. That’s the last thing I felt like doing. Mixing alcohol with heartache would be disastrous.
“Jade,” Brayden said, waving at me when I walked into the room.
A group of guys smiled and nodded as I walked past them to take my seat. The other downside to dating someone in the public eye—everyone knew we’d broken up, and the vultures were circling. I’d been hit on more in the last week than I had been in my entire life. Ever since I addressed our breakup in the press, guys were coming out of the woodwork. And trust me, it wasn’t because I was looking good. I’d lost weight on my already too skinny frame, I had dark circles beneath my swollen eyes, I was lacking sleep and I had no energy to do my hair or makeup. I was fairly convinced that all these guys just wanted to say they were dating Cruz Winslow’s ex-girlfriend. The whole thing disgusted me.
I assumed Cruz was experiencing this on a much grander scale. Unless he’d moved on to a serious relationship with Tia already. Nothing would surprise me anymore. Not since Cruz broke up with me at least. But I’d never seen anything suspicious between Cruz and Tia when we were together. Maybe I’d had blinders on, and something had been going on under my nose. Maybe that’s the real reason he broke up with me.
“Hey, how are you?” I asked when I took my seat.
“Good. How about you? You okay?” Brayden had proven to be nothing but a good friend.
“I’m good.”
I pulled out my notebook, lined up my pens, and submerged myself in class. Anything to stop thinking about Cruz.
Class moved quickly, and I took several pages of notes and actually spent the last hour thinking more about the human body than my broken heart.
“Hey, why don’t you come to Jace’s tonight for some pizza and football? Just get out a little and have some fun,” Brayden said when we stepped outside.
“I have research. And then I need to study after.”
His brows pinched together. “I don’t want to pry, Jade. I know you’re sad. I’ve been there myself. But sometimes just being around people, and having some fun helps you forget for a little bit, you know? You should come. Plus, you haven’t met Sage yet, and I think you two would hit it off.”
Sage was Brayden’s girlfriend, and I’d heard only good things about her. Maybe he was right. How else would I ever pu
ll out of this slump?
“Yeah. Maybe. I’ll think about it. Thank you.”
“Okay, see ya later.” He waved, and I walked to research.
Elaine and I worked late, and it was dark when I left her office. I had several messages from Ari and Brayden insisting I come by. I responded and said I was on my way. What did I have to lose? My bed and my tears would both be waiting for me afterward.
“I’m so happy you’re here,” Ari said, meeting me at the door when I stepped inside. She wrapped an arm around me and offered me a beer.
“No thanks. I’ll take a water though.”
“You got it. And you have to try this pizza. It’s deep dish and—To. Die. For.” She handed me a water and a plate, and I grabbed a slice of pizza. She led me into the living room where everyone was watching the game.
“Jade, hey. So glad you’re here.” Jace gave me a hug, and Brayden pushed to his feet.
“Hi, thanks for inviting me.” I hugged him and then gave Brayden an awkward half hug, as his girlfriend stood beside him.
“Hi, I’m Jade,” I said, offering her my hand.
“Hey, I’m Sage. I’ve heard lots about you. It’s nice to meet you.”
Just then Lucas and Mila walked in and I hadn’t seen them in months. Lucas was a good friend of Jace’s and I’d met his girlfriend, Mila last year, and we’d hit it off. She pulled me into a hug and shook me around, causing us both to laugh.
“Girl, I’ve missed you. So good to see you out. Where have you been hiding?” Mila said, pulling away to look at me.
“It’s just been a crazy semester. I’m so happy to see you.” And I meant it. I liked this group a lot, and it was time to start finding other things to fill my time aside from school and sadness.
Mila, Ari, Sage and I sat on one side of the couch so we could visit. They all drank wine, and I sipped my water and forced myself to eat a few bites of pizza.
“So, you’re a pre-med too, right?” Sage asked me, as her boyfriend and I shared the same major.
“Yes. Brayden and I have some tough classes this semester.”
“Yeah, that’s what he said. And you’re graduating early?”
“Yep. I’m set to graduate next year. So, I’m technically a junior, I guess, but it’s only my second year of college, so I still feel like I’m just navigating through it all,” I said.
“She’s a freaking genius, trust me.” Ari refilled her glass with wine and dropped back down beside me.
“Okay, so I know we’re avoiding the elephant in the room but, how are you?” Mila asked. I guess everyone knew, and they were probably afraid to bring it up.
“I’m okay,” I said, trying to keep my composure. “Not my favorite topic.”
“You and your boyfriend just broke up?” Sage asked, with a sad frown. She was sweet and I already liked her. She was perfect for Brayden. Her auburn hair rested on her shoulders and her blue gaze was filled with empathy and kindness.
“Yeah, it’s been a couple weeks.” I sipped my water, avoiding their gaze.
“It sucks ass, doesn’t it? But, girl, that’s what your friends are for. Let us be there for you,” Mila said.
“I’m proud of you for coming tonight. I know you didn’t feel like it, but you’re here. And we love you.” Ari put an arm around me, and I rested my head on her shoulder.
“Thanks. I’m glad I came too.”
“And when you’re ready, we are going to set you up with the hottest guy out there. Fuck Cruz Winslow,” Mila said, her black bob framing her pretty face.
I chuckled along with them, though nothing about it was funny to me. I didn’t want to meet someone else. And I didn’t see a time when I would hate Cruz. As much as he hurt me, I loved him. Always would.
That night when I got in bed, I couldn’t help myself. I searched his name on my phone. I just wanted to see his face. There was a photo of Cruz walking behind Lennon as they entered a rehab facility in Utah. The caption read: The Winslow Boys Stand Beside Their Mother.
I could only see Cruz’s profile, and he didn’t look any better than I did. I wondered if he hurt the same as me. He had a baseball cap on, his messy hair peeking out the sides. He looked down at the ground as he walked so I couldn’t see his face. I ran my finger over the screen, itching to touch him. Feel him. I was proud of him for going to support his mother. I wondered what was going on with their family. According to the news, Juliette had filed for divorce. I wondered how Cruz felt about it. If he felt as alone as I did. If he hurt the way I did.
I lie on my side and played the single voicemail I’d saved from him. For whatever reason, I’d never deleted it, and now I was thankful. It was probably not healthy to play an old voicemail over and over to feel close to him, but right now, I was in survival mode and it helped me.
“Hey, baby. Just missing you bad right now. Can’t wait to see you this weekend. You’re taking your anatomy test at the moment, and I know you’re killing it. So, fucking proud of you. Call me when you’re done. Always need more Jade. Love you more.”
Tears streamed down my face and I hugged my phone to my chest. When would it stop hurting so much? A sob escaped and I held my fist over my mouth and tried to muffle it. My door creaked open, and I stayed completely still. I felt the mattress shift.
“You’re not alone, Jade. I’m here.” Ari wrapped an arm around me. My back to her chest and she hugged me tight. I let it all out. I didn’t try to muffle my tears or my sobs. I just cried.
I was sad. And broken. But I wasn’t alone. And it felt good to lean on someone.
“I’m so sad.” My words were hard to make out through my sobs.
“I know you are. But it will get a little easier every day. I promise,” Ari whispered.
“It’s been weeks. It hasn’t gotten easier. I feel like I’m drowning in it. I miss him, Ari. I miss him so much.” I pushed to sit up, gasping for breaths. I covered my face with my hands.
“I know you do, sweetie. I know how much you love him. And I know he loves you too. I don’t know why he did this. Just give it time, okay. I promise it will get better.”
“Okay,” I said, nodding my head, though I doubted it was true.
“It’s okay to be sad, Jade. I’m here for you.”
“Thank you.”
I realized that this is how I’d always handled things. I was used to locking myself away and dealing with things on my own. But it helped to talk to someone. To admit that I was hurting. And it was okay to say it aloud.
The next few weeks were busy, and I was thankful for it. I’d gotten my groove back a little bit. Last night was the first night in over a month that I’d slept for seven solid hours. I’d been functioning on no sleep, and my body finally gave in.
I attended the medical brigade meeting and even took the information about the next few brigades. I still wasn’t ready to commit to anything. A part of me was still holding out for spending the summer with Cruz. As sick and twisted as that sounded, I wasn’t ready to give up on everything just yet. But maybe the fact that I was actually looking into it was a good sign. I’d not heard a single word from Cruz. Not since our last phone call. Lennon and I had cut off communication as well. Obviously, we didn’t want to put the other in an uncomfortable situation, but I missed my friend, too.
I stepped in my favorite café, and Mila waved at me from the back table. Ari and Sage were already sitting beside her, and I made my way over to them.
“Sorry I’m late. The medical brigade meeting went over.” I dropped down in my seat and glanced at the menu.
“Are you going to do it next year?” Ari asked as the waitress approached our table and took our order.
“I think so. I got all the info for the summer, fall and spring brigades. It’s such an amazing program. I definitely want to do it.” It was the first time in a while that I was actually excited about some
thing. Yes, my heart still hurt. Sadness still clung to me like a freaking second skin. But I was looking forward to doing this, and that was a good thing.
“Oh my gosh, this is so you,” Ari said as she flipped through the brochure and looked at all the photos.
“Girl, I give you credit. I’m more of a five-star hotel chick. I don’t know if I could hack this,” Mila said, looking over Ari’s shoulder.
“It’s a third world country. You don’t stay at the Four Seasons.” Ari rolled her eyes.
“Hashtag, no judgment. To each their own.” Mila huffed, and we all laughed.
“I’m proud of you,” Ari said, bumping me with her shoulder and handing the brochure back to me.
“Thanks.” It felt good to feel good. As crazy as that sounds. I felt a moment of joy, something I hadn’t felt in weeks. I’d take what I could get.
“I think it’s amazing you want to do it, Jade,” Sage said. We’d become friends over the last few weeks, as all three of them had really rallied around me.
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