“Thank you. So, how did meeting Brayden’s parents go?” I changed the subject, and not because I was trying to cover up anything. I truly cared. I guess I was finally living a little again.
“They were so nice. I was nervous, but after a few minutes, they totally put me at ease.” Sage snagged a French-fry off my plate and winked.
“I knew they’d love you,” I said.
“Well, consider yourself lucky. Lucas’ parents don’t like me,” Mila said before reaching for her sandwich and taking a bite like this was just common knowledge.
We all chuckled.
“I’m sure they do. What’s not to love,” Ari said.
“No. I’m literally not making this up. His mom actually said, ‘I don’t like her’ to Lucas when I was in the next room. They have very thin walls in that house.” She shrugged. “She said I was crass or an ass? I’m not sure which one. Maybe both?”
My head fell back in laughter. Yep. I’d entered the land of the living again. And maybe I was just surviving for now. But that was okay. It would get a little better every day.
Chapter Twenty
Cruz
Another family meeting at the rehab center where my mother and brother seemed to psycho-analyze me a hell of a lot more than Mom. This time I’d come sober. After Dr. Roberts had called me out at our first visit, and basically said if I couldn’t come clean and sober, not to bother coming at all. When a rehab facility shames you for being too fucked up, that’s a red fucking flag.
I’d cut the booze out for the last two weeks, and I had to admit that I felt better. I’d been a self-destructive asshole for weeks, and I certainly wasn’t out of the woods, but I was reeling things in. It wasn’t easy. Not with the constant ache in my chest. I fucking missed my girl. I’d tried a few times to just fuck someone else so I could forget about her, but I couldn’t stand a single other chick. None. Hadn’t even kissed anyone else. Well, not since Tia’s dumb fucking kiss on stage, which had disgusted me.
Jade had ruined me for all other women. And now I was fucked. Because I didn’t want anyone else, and I couldn’t have her. So, I’d either need to become a monk or be okay with dying of a bad case of blue balls. The latter was more likely as I doubted the monks would take me.
“Thank you for coming sober today, Cruz,” Dr. Roberts said. She was a no-nonsense woman. Most people took my shit. This lady did not.
“Well, you basically told me I couldn’t visit, so you didn’t give me much of a choice.” I folded my arms over my chest and met her steely blue gaze.
“Yeah. We’re funny about sobriety here. It’s kind of our sticking point.” She was so snarky, but I kind of dug it. I liked people who called me out.
Jade.
She was the one person who got me. And I’d lost her. And I guess I’d lost myself along the way too.
“He’s been sober for two weeks now. And he stopped taking that shit Tia was feeding him,” Lennon said.
When did my brother become a fucking nark? All the years I had his back. He wasn’t good at being the caretaker. He was much easier to deal with when he was the fuck-up.
“And, what shit is that?” my mother asked.
Um, pot, this is kettle.
In all fairness, Mom had transformed. The woman I’d seen brief glimpses of my entire life had emerged. Stronger than ever. Over just a matter of weeks. And if I was capable of being happy, I’d be happy for her.
But I wasn’t.
I was bitter and angry at life. Obviously, I was still an entitled prick. Being sober hadn’t changed that.
“I was taking Vicodin for a few weeks,” I admitted, shifting in my seat.
Mom looked over at Dr. Roberts and she nodded like my mother should speak her mind. How much had Dad fucked her up that she needed approval to speak her mind? Thank Christ I’d never needed anyone to tell me whether or not I could say what the fuck I wanted. I just always had.
“Why would you do something that you despised? Of everyone in this family, you’ve always been the most outspoken about my abuse of prescription pills, and Lennon’s struggle with drug abuse. Why would you, in turn, start doing the same?” My mother sat up straight. Her blonde hair was pulled into some sort of fancy knot at the back of her neck. She wore a cream-colored blouse and dress slacks. The woman looked like she was going shopping on Rodeo Drive, not attending a family support group meeting in rehab. But I liked it. She was coming into her own, and my chest squeezed with something. Pride? Joy? I don’t even know. It was short lived, and I shook it off.
“I don’t know. Dr. Roberts, you want to take that one?” I asked.
Dr. Roberts a.k.a. the ice queen actually laughed. Well, her head tipped back just slightly, and a little chuckle escaped. “You want me to tell you why I think you’ve been acting this way? After always being the one in the family that called everyone out for it?”
“I can’t wait to hear it.” I rolled my eyes and smirked.
“Quit being a dick,” Lennon whispered, but everyone heard, and Dr. Roberts smiled. A very brief smile of course.
“Well, Cruz, I believe that whether you like it or not, your mom’s overdose and your father’s affair shook you to the core. You act like you’re completely detached from your family, but in truth, you aren’t. You wouldn’t be here if you were. You wouldn’t have spiraled when your family fell apart, so to speak. You broke up with a girl you claim to love, you numbed yourself with booze and prescription meds, and you punished yourself. You feel undeserving of happiness for whatever reason, and you sabotaged your own happiness.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared at me.
Jesus. Tell me how you really feel, Doc.
Before I could respond, a sob came from my mother, and I watched as she fell apart. With her face buried in her hands, she lost her shit.
“I’m sorry, Cruz. You carried so much on your shoulders for such a long time. You were bound to break at some point.” She wailed. Lennon grabbed some tissue and handed it to her.
“No one is broken, Mom. I’m fine. I’m figuring it out.”
“You’re not fine, Cruz. You’re far from fine. You all are. But this is part of healing,” Dr. Roberts said.
“Christ. Who shit in your Cheerios this morning?” I hissed, pushing to my feet and storming to the window. Why the fuck did I agree to come here again? To be reminded of how fucked up my family is.
She laughed. This time it was a full belly laugh, and Mom and Lennon joined in. Who knew calling her out would get such a reaction?
“It’s okay to break, you know. So, let’s take this apart a little, shall we?” she said.
Lennon glared at me and pointed at my chair. I took my seat so he wouldn’t have a hissy fit. Everyone was losing their shit in this office and I was over it.
“Ah, yes please. You want to take it apart? Let’s go over the obvious. My father is a selfish, narcissistic, drug abusing, womanizing, rich, entitled asshole. My mother behaved like a fucking Stockholm victim most of my childhood, doing as she was told by her captor, numbing herself and leaving her children with nannies to raise them. My brother is a talented, sensitive motherfucker, who couldn’t handle the insanity of our household, so he used drugs to cope. And after all these years I have come to realize that my family is a part of me, and the fewer people I bring into this fucked up situation, the better. So yeah, I spent a couple weeks staying consistently shitfaced with alcohol and prescription drugs, because it was easier to deal with life that way. Shoot me. And now everyone decides to get sober and wants to analyze me? I’ve been holding this whole family’s shit together my entire life. They don’t get to judge me for a few bad weeks.”
The room fell silent. Tears streamed from my mother’s eyes, and Lennon looked visibly shaken. What the fuck? Was this news to them?
“Good, Cruz. That’s a fair statement. You’ve kept it together all thi
s time. Enough is enough. You hit your breaking point.” She nods.
“Fucking, right. Yes. You got it, Dr. Roberts.” Fucking finally.
“So, when your mom overdosed, that was a turning point for you, yes?”
“I suppose. I’m not exactly sure why. I’d been there before. It wasn’t my first rodeo,” I said, looking over at Lennon. I hated to bring up his overdose, but we were here, and I was doing this.
“Right. Because you were there when Lennon overdosed, correct?” Dr. Roberts asked.
“Yes.”
“And where were your parents?” she asked.
Mom broke on a sob again. As much as I believed in tough love, I didn’t want to be cruel. She was trying to get her shit together. We didn’t need to kick her when she was down.
“Steven and I were in Europe. He didn’t think it was that bad. But I knew better.” Mom paused and used a tissue to blow her nose. “He didn’t want to fly home right away. The doctors said they had it under control. I knew we should leave. It wasn’t right to let Cruz deal with everything, nor for Lennon to think we didn’t care. But I chose to go along with your father. I always did.”
“You’ve shared with me that Lennon’s overdose was when your drug abuse worsened, correct?” Dr. Roberts asked Mom.
“Yes.” Mom looked at me with so much sorrow, and a sharp pain hit my chest.
“So, Cruz. You said your mother’s overdose wasn’t all that shocking for you because you’d been there before. With your brother. So, what about that experience caused you to spiral. You’ve called your father a, what was it? A narcissistic asshole?” Dr. Roberts said with a smirk.
“I believe it was a selfish, narcissistic, drug abusing, womanizing, rich, entitled asshole,” I clarified.
“Ah, yes. Thank you for the clarification. So did his affair surprise you?” she pressed.
I thought about it. “Yeah. That’s the one thing I didn’t think he was. A cheater. I justified their selfishness my entire life,” I paused and winced at Mom in apology. She motioned for me to go on. “I thought they were in love. It was the only normal thing we had going for our family.”
“Well, we can decide what’s normal a million different ways. Obviously, you didn’t have a traditional upbringing, but it was your normal. It doesn’t make it wrong or right, Cruz.”
“Okay. If you say so,” I muttered.
“So, you find out your dad is having an affair and your mom has overdosed. What makes you storm out to the lobby and pack up Jade’s books and send her home, only later to break up with her?” Dr. Roberts asked.
I look over at my brother. Fucking traitor. I’ve not told this woman about how or why Jade and I broke up. It’s none of her business. I assumed my mother mentioned our breakup in her session, but this is very detailed information. It had to come from my brother, because I sure as shit didn’t tell her.
“Dr. Roberts and I have had a few phone consults,” Lennon said sheepishly.
Fucker.
“I see. So, you left out another piece of the amazing puzzle that is the Winslow family, Dr. Roberts. My father had an affair with a fucking teenager, who also happened to be his best friend’s daughter. Fucked. Up.”
“Agreed. But what does that have to do with you and Jade?” Dr. Roberts asked, tucking a pen behind her ear, and adjusting her notebook on her lap.
“Why are we talking about me and Jade? Aren’t we here for my mother?” I pushed to my feet again and walked to the window, rubbing the back of my neck, and moving my head from side to side. I was ready to get out of this place.
“Well, Cruz, your mother and your brother are worried about you. And these meetings are for your family. You’re part of the family, right?”
I rolled my eyes and sat back down. “Yeah. Alright. You want to know why I broke up with Jade? Is that where this is going?”
“Sure. I think it’s important.” Dr. Roberts stood and reached for her water before returning to her seat.
“So, I’m looking at my girl sitting in the waiting room. Her books are all spread out. My shit pulled her away from class, once again. Jade was always sacrificing for me. Hell, she even battled mono because she was pushing herself so hard. And my dad’s shit was about to come out in the press, you know, an affair with a teenager, typical Winslow bullshit. I’m at the hospital because another family member overdosed, no offense,” I said, shrugging at my mother and my brother.
“None taken,” Lennon said.
“Jade’s good, you know. She’s everything that’s good. And the world I live in, with my family, with the band, it’s not normal. She deserves normal.” I fumbled on my words as I tried to explain myself. “She deserves better.”
“You keep speaking of this ‘normal’ or this idea of what you think is ‘normal’. But what does that even mean?” Dr. Roberts asks.
I ran a hand over my face. I don’t even know anymore, and I’m tired. “I have no idea. I guess something that’s not fucked up. I’m fucked up and so is my family.”
“Well, isn’t everyone a little messed up? I mean, no one’s perfect. Were you unfaithful to Jade?” she asked.
Where the fuck does this woman get off?
“No. And fuck you for asking that. I’m not my father,” I said.
“Well, you weren’t your mother either, and that didn’t stop you from taking pills,” she said.
I pointed my finger at her. “You need to back the fuck off.”
“Cruz,” my mother and Lennon both said in unison.
“It’s okay.” Dr. Roberts holds her hand up to them. “I hit a nerve. That’s okay.”
“I never cheated on Jade. Hell, we aren’t even together, and I have no desire to fuck anyone else now,” I said.
“Why is that?”
“Aren’t you the doctor? Why are you asking me all the fucking questions? Obviously, I love her. I always will. It’s not rocket science, doc.” I shift in my seat.
“Shouldn’t it have been up to Jade to decide if your life was too much for her? Did she tell you she disapproved of your family?”
“No. She’s not like that. She loves Lennon and my mom.”
“Did she push you to get out of the band? Did she have a problem with you being on the road?” Dr. Roberts asked.
“She actually wanted to come on tour with us. Cruz was the one who really pushed her not to come, and ultimately, she remained at school. But she is very supportive of Exiled,” Lennon said.
“I think she was talking to me, dickhead,” I mumbled. “Jade wanted us to be together. Whether I left the band, or she came on tour. She just wanted us to be together. She didn’t like the lack of privacy or the distance, but she supported me. Always. I’m the one who wants to leave the band. It’s not for me.”
“So, Jade is supportive of your family and your music, but you decided you had to break up with her because your family and your life isn’t normal?” Dr. Roberts pressed.
“Do they pay you extra if you’re condescending?” I asked.
She chuckled. “It’s necessary sometimes, Cruz. Answer the question.”
“Yeah. I decided. I decided I wasn’t good enough for her.”
“Because your family is…” She paused.
“Fucked up,” I chimed in.
“And then you went on a bender and punished yourself for doing so?”
“I guess, if that’s how you want to look at it. I did the right thing. Doesn’t mean I was happy about it,” I admitted.
“The right thing for whom?” she asked.
“For Jade.”
“So, let me get this straight. You both work hard to make the distance work, because you don’t like being apart. She supports your music and your family. She comes to the hospital as soon as she finds out about your mother, because she wants to be there for you. You’re at the tail end of your long-dist
ance obstacle, and you decided the best thing for her was to break up with her?”
I drop my head back and let out a long breath. I’m tired of the questions. I could use a stiff drink right about now. Oh, that’s right. I’m fucking sober at the moment.
“Yep.”
“Sounds more like it was the best thing for you,” she said, squaring her shoulders and meeting my gaze.
“Best thing for me? I’m fucking miserable. And apparently breaking up with Jade means I have a broken dick, so I can’t even have sex anymore. How is this better for me?”
“Only you know the answer to that. But it wasn’t for her. She was there for you when you needed her. Maybe you couldn’t handle someone making you a priority? Maybe you prefer to be the one holding everyone together, not the one in need of help? Maybe you don’t feel like you deserve to be happy? Maybe you wanted to check out and go on a bender and breaking up with Jade allowed you to do so? You couldn’t have done that if you were with her, correct?” Dr. Roberts said as I processed her words. That was a fucking lot of maybes she tossed out there. Both rage and sadness coursed my veins. Was she insane? Was there truth to her words?
“Jade would have kicked his ass if she’d been around this last month to see him behave like an idiot. No, he couldn’t have pulled that off if they’d been together,” Lennon, a.k.a. Benedict Arnold, said. Christ, this kid was pissing me off.
“Fuck you, Lennon.” I pushed to my feet again. Was there a timer or something we were waiting for to end this therapy session from hell? How long had we been here?
“Why are you angry at Lennon? Is he right? Would Jade have called you out for your reckless behavior?”
“Yep. Lennon’s right. Should we throw him a ticker tape parade?” I asked, pacing the room.
“Nope. But now you have something to think about until we meet again. Maybe it’s time you stop punishing yourself and allow yourself some happiness, huh? That’s what your mom and your brother are working on.” Dr. Roberts pushed to her feet.
Thank fucking Christ. There was an end in sight.
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