MoreOfYou_LPavlov-eBooks

by Pavlov, Laura

  We all said our goodbyes and we walked Mom back to her room.

  She dropped in the chair beside her bed and looked up at Lennon and me. Her honey brown gaze wet with emotion. “I’m sorry, boys. I failed you, but I’m going to do what I can to make things right.”

  Too much. It was all too much. I hated the way I felt. The heaviness in my chest. The sting behind my eyes. I wanted to go back to just accepting my fucked-up family. It was so much easier to be angry.

  “Thanks, Mom. Love you,” Lennon said, leaning down to hug her.

  “I love you both.” Mom smiled up at me.

  “Okay. We’ll be back in a few weeks. Love you,” I said.

  She reached for my hand and didn’t let it go. She waited until I met her gaze. “I love you, Cruz.”

  I nodded.

  Lennon and I were silent until we got back on the plane and buckled up. I needed to sleep. Needed to stop thinking. I couldn’t get drunk, so sleep was the next best thing.

  “Hey,” Lennon said from the seat beside me.

  “What?” I was still angry at how much he’d shared with Dr. Roberts, and I wasn’t in the mood to get into it right now.

  “You’re a good brother, Cruz. The best. You’re also a good son. A good friend. And a good boyfriend.”

  I rolled my eyes before closing them to let him know I was done. “Thank you, Dr. Phil.”

  “It’s okay to let yourself be happy, you know. You deserve it. More than anyone, you deserve it,” Lennon said, his voice cracked a little at the end.

  I peeked one eye open, just enough to look at him. He watched me. “Thanks.” It sounded more like a croak.

  I squeezed my eyes closed and swiped when a single tear ran down my cheek. My brother put a hand on my shoulder, and I lost it.

  I don’t know why.

  Wasn’t sure what my breaking point was.

  But I lost it.

  I buried my face in my hands and I sobbed. My brother patted me on the back as I let it all out.

  I didn’t know what any of it meant.

  But it felt fucking good.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Jade

  I spent the weekend with Dad and Sara. Hanging out in Bucktown always made me feel better. Something about being home, I guess. I took the train back to school and pulled my phone from my back pocket when it vibrated.

  My heart raced as I took in the screen.

  Cruz ~ Hey. Can you talk?

  Should I even answer him? He hadn’t responded to my calls or texts weeks ago, so why was he reaching out now? He’d kicked me to the curb. He’d made out with another girl on stage in front of the world.

  Yes, I missed him terribly. My heart ached all the time. All the freaking time. I still cried myself to sleep every night, but I was finally sleeping again. My appetite was starting to come back. I’d basically spent the last few weeks trying to pull myself up from the lowest place I’d ever been.

  No. He didn’t get a response. I wasn’t going back down that rabbit hole. Fool me once, shame on me—and all that stuff.

  My chest squeezed when another text came through.

  Cruz ~ You still have your ‘read receipts’ on, so I know you read the message. I get that you don’t want to talk to me, but I’d like to explain things to you.

  No. No. No. He doesn’t get to do this now.

  Cruz ~ I’ve been seeing a therapist at my mom’s rehab center. I’m figuring things out.

  Cruz ~ I haven’t been with anyone since you. I promise, Jade. That shit with Tia was a stupid ass stunt. She did it for the publicity. You couldn’t tell in the picture, but I didn’t kiss her back. I bit her actually. I was pissed. Fuck. I don’t want to do this over text. Please, let me call you, baby.

  Tears ran down my face and I swiped at them quickly. Relief flooded that he wasn’t dating Tia, which made me crazy, because we weren’t together either. Why was he calling me baby? He hadn’t spoken to me in weeks, and now he wanted to act like nothing was wrong? One text from Cruz and I was a blubbering mess. This wasn’t good for me. He wasn’t good for me. Isn’t that why he broke up with me? He couldn’t change his mind every time he felt lonely. No. I silenced my phone and tucked it in my back pocket.

  I stopped at home to drop off my duffle bag before heading to research. Elaine and I were making some serious breakthroughs. I was proud of the work I was doing with her, and the thought of being published in a medical journal thrilled me. I’d found my purpose again, and though I didn’t have my mojo back just yet, I was surviving. And I wasn’t going backward just because Cruz felt like reaching out to me today. But of course, my mind was completely preoccupied now. What did he want to talk about? Did he want to explain why he’d ended things with me? What was there to even say? Maybe he just wanted closure? Too bad. He hadn’t given me closure, and I wasn’t going to help him get it either. I wasn’t the one who’d walked away. That was on him.

  On my walk home from research, I turned my phone back on. Typical Cruz. He didn’t give up easily. But I’d prepared for that. Deep down, I knew I wanted to hear what he had to say. But I wasn’t ready yet. Wasn’t ready to let my guard down with him again. I read through his texts.

  Cruz ~ I fucked up. I pushed you away. I don’t know why. I thought you deserved better. Hell, I still do. But I’m miserable without you, baby. So, fucking miserable.

  Cruz ~ I spent the last few weeks being a fucking idiot, Jade. You would have been disgusted with me. I was pretty much drunk every waking minute, and I took a lot of pills. I don’t know why I did it. I just didn’t like feeling so much. Feeling ashamed of my family. Sad about not being with you. But I felt it all. Even when I was numb, I felt it, Jade. I couldn’t escape it.

  Tears ran down my face as I read his words. When I got to my house, I dropped down on the couch and continued reading. He’d all but sent me a novel.

  Cruz ~ I’ve been sober for three weeks now. I’m only taking the Adderall prescription once a day, and I’ve quit everything else. I’m getting my shit together.

  Cruz ~ My mom filed for divorce. She’s doing well in rehab. Lennon and I go for family therapy sessions every week. It’s helping me sort through all the shit that’s been piling up.

  Cruz ~ Luke and the label finally agreed on my replacement. It’s going to happen, Jade. I’m going to walk away from Exiled.

  Cruz ~ Please talk to me. Please, baby. I just want to talk to you.

  I released a long breath I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding. My fingers shook above the keyboard.

  Me ~ Hey. I’m really glad you’re doing well.

  Cruz ~ Hey, More Jade. Can I FaceTime you?

  Me ~ No.

  Cruz ~ Can I call you?

  Me ~ No. I’m not ready to talk to you, Cruz. You can text me.

  Cruz ~ Whatever you need. I love you. I love you so fucking much.

  I didn’t respond. I moved to my bedroom and curled up in a ball and cried. All these feelings I have for him are terrifying. I’m in too deep. I’d just found a way to survive without him, and I couldn’t just jump back in. No way. He could change his mind tomorrow. Why was it so hard to stay away from him? Why did loving him have to hurt so much?

  “Jade,” Ari called out when she got home.

  I pushed to sit up and swiped at my tears. No one wanted to see me fall apart again. Even I was sick of it. Enough is enough.

  “Hey,” I said, meeting her in the kitchen.

  “What happened?” She dropped her backpack on the table and studied me with concern.

  “Nothing. I just got home.”

  “And your eyes are all puffy from research?” She laughed. “Spill it.”

  I handed her my phone and dropped to sit at the kitchen table.

  She scanned through the texts. “Wow.”

  “Right? No word from hi
m for weeks and now he wants to talk.”

  “I believe him about Tia. I never thought he ended it because he wanted someone else. Hell, I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why he did it. That guy is obsessed with you,” she said, shaking her head.

  “Well, he cut me off without a care in the world. I’d be wise to remember that.”

  “I get it. I would be cautious too. He needs to grovel for a while.” Ari pushed up and grabbed an apple from the fridge.

  “Definitely. I just don’t want to get hurt again, you know?”

  “I know. Love sucks, sometimes.” She huffed.

  “Not for you.”

  “Jace and I had a fight today. He’s graduating next year, and I’m not. So, what then?” Ari’s eyes grew wide and she shrugged.

  I laughed. “You have a whole other year to figure it out. It’s way too soon to worry about that.”

  “If I were brilliant like you, I could have graduated in three years. Now I’ll have another year after he’s done. He’s not going to want to stick around a college town and wait for me. He said I was being ridiculous.”

  “That’s because he will absolutely be waiting for you. He’s crazy about you,” I said.

  “You know what we need?”

  “What?”

  “Let’s go get a couple tubs of ice cream and have a girl’s night. We can watch chick flicks and forget our boy problems for the night. Drown our sorrows in dairy and sugar. Sound good?” Ari said, pushing to her feet.

  “It sounds perfect.”

  On our way out the door, she grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bathroom.

  “We need a quick round of fuck-those-bitches first. After all, the love of your life just reached out to you after torturing you for weeks. My boyfriend is going to move on without me while I’m stuck here at school. Get ready to scream,” Ari said, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

  Because she was right.

  One week had passed, and Cruz had upped his game. He was texting me non-stop and sending me selfies on the hour. I rarely responded, but my resolve was weakening. I studied every photo. I missed his face. Missed his body. Missed everything about him. Three floral arrangements had arrived at the house with my favorite flowers. Hydrangeas and peonies. He remembered.

  I still wasn’t ready to talk to him. I had finals coming up and I needed to focus right now. But I checked my phone constantly, and I read every message he sent me over and over. Loving this boy was deliciously torturous.

  I grabbed my mail on the way inside the house and saw a letter addressed to me. I recognized the writing immediately. I tore the envelope open to find a letter from Cruz.

  Dear Jade,

  I know you aren’t speaking to me right now, so I wanted to write you. The texts cut me off when I go on too long, and I wanted to send you some lyrics I wrote since we’ve been apart. I’ve written you so many songs. I’m hoping this will help you understand what I was going through.

  I love you most.

  I love you always.

  I love you more.

  Cruz

  The storm is coming, and it’s time to prepare,

  I look at the destruction and try not to care.

  Always taking cover, staying one step ahead,

  Knowing shit will follow, I sense impending dread.

  So many mistakes I’ve made along the way.

  I don’t really care what I do or what I say.

  And like a bright light, you come to me one day,

  The only one that ever made me feel I was okay.

  I want to keep you safe, shield you from the pain,

  But you stand beside me, come sunshine or rain.

  I’m about to tumble down, the weight is too much,

  I need to let you go but I’ll miss your sweet touch.

  The world’s a dark place when I am not with you,

  I numb myself to survive, at least I believe that’s true.

  But when you love someone, you do what must be done,

  I want to set you free, let you bask out in the sun.

  Not drown you in my storm, where the days are cold and gray,

  And watch your tender heart as the edges start to fray.

  But I can’t stay away, can’t take a breath without you,

  Our hearts beat together, no matter what we say or what we do.

  I’ll ask you to forgive me, and trust me once again,

  To try to remember that you are my best friend.

  My faults are heavy, it’s something that I dread,

  Drawn to a girl with a halo around her head.

  I’ll splinter and I’ll falter, yet always stay true,

  Because you were meant for me and I was meant for you.

  My back is against the wall and I slide down until my bottom is on the floor. I read his words over and over, trying to see through my tears. I reach for my phone and I FaceTime Cruz.

  I was ready to talk.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Cruz

  We’d just finished rehearsals and I was walking back to my hotel room when my phone vibrated. FaceTime call from More Jade moved across my screen and I nearly fumbled to answer it. I pushed in my suite and walked to my room as I waited for the phone to zoom in on her pretty face.

  My heart raced.

  Knees weak.

  Palms sweaty.

  I immediately thought of the Eminem song and wanted to say, “Mom’s spaghetti”, but I’d waited so long to talk to her I wasn’t going to be an asshole now.

  “Hey,” I said, studying every one of her gorgeous features. Her eyes were puffy which immediately had me on edge.

  “Hi. How are you?” She was sitting on the floor in her living room, and she held up my letter. “So, I got this today.”

  She swiped at her cheeks, and my chest squeezed.

  “I’m actually good. Didn’t mean to make you cry. Just wanted you to know what I was feeling.”

  “Yes, you did,” she said. Her lips turned up in the corners and her glossy gaze met mine.

  “Well, maybe a little. You wouldn’t talk to me. I had to pull out the big guns.”

  She laughed a little before tilting her head and studying me. “You look good.”

  “You look fucking good, baby.”

  “Shut up.” She smiled and rolled her eyes. “Don’t one-up me.”

  “Never,” I said.

  “Okay.”

  She let out a long breath, and I dropped down to sit on my bed. “I was an asshole. I know I screwed up. I’m sorry. I’m working on it. I swear to you it won’t ever happen again.”

  She nodded. Still quiet. We sat like that for at least two or three minutes.

  “I miss you,” she whispered, finally.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “When can I see you?” I asked. I wanted to fly there tonight. I had a show tomorrow, so that wasn’t going to happen, but I needed to see her. Hold her.

  “No, Cruz. I’m about to go into finals. We need to take this slow. Where are you?” she asked.

  “I’m in New York for the next week. Maybe I could come there?”

  She sighed. “Maybe. It’s your birthday next week. I didn’t get you anything because I didn’t think we’d be speaking. You ignored me for weeks, Cruz.”

  “All I want for my birthday is you. I want to explain everything to you. Why I did what I did,” I said.

  “I’m listening.”

  She wasn’t going to wait until I saw her. That wasn’t Jade. She had questions and she wanted answers. Hell, she deserved them.

  “I freaked out. My dad was having an affair with a fucking teenager. My mom took enough pills to put herself in a coma. I knew it was all going to be very public. I was embarrassed. Ashamed.” I paused and scrub
bed a hand over my jaw. “I didn’t want to pull you into it. I thought you deserved better.”

  “So, what’s changed?”

  “Well, I still think you deserve better, I just don’t fucking care. I can’t live without you. So, I’ll just do better. Be better,” I said.

  “I don’t want you to do or be better. I love you exactly how you are. Sure, I don’t want you to use booze and pills to deal with life, that’s what we have each other for. But I’ve never had a problem with who you are, or where you come from. I’m not perfect, Cruz. I’m human too.”

  “You’re perfect to me.” My gaze locked with hers.

  “Maybe that’s part of our problem. You hide things from me because you think I can’t handle them. I’m stronger than you think.”

  “I know you are. I don’t doubt that. I just don’t want to disappoint you,” I admitted.

  “The only time you’ve ever disappointed me was when you walked away from me. Shut me out of your life. You can’t do that. I need to trust you, and right now, I don’t.”

  “Baby, you can trust me. I just lost my shit for a while. I checked out. It won’t happen again.” I wasn’t backing down. I’d fucked up, but I’d learned from it.

  “You don’t get to decide when I trust you or when I don’t. You broke me, Cruz. I never saw it coming. And it has been a really rough couple weeks for me.” She paused when a sob escaped, and my chest squeezed.

  “I know. I’ll do whatever you need. If you don’t want to see me for a while, I’ll wait. I’m just happy you’re finally speaking to me again.”

  She wiped her face with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. Her cheeks were rosy, jade eyes wet with emotion, lips plump, and I fucking itched to touch her.

  “Let’s just take this slow, okay?” She twirled the ring around her finger, and I was happy to see she still wore it. She hadn’t completely given up on me, had she?

  “You’re still wearing the promise ring I gave you?”

  She held up her hand and rolled her eyes. “Yes.”

  “So, you didn’t totally give up on me,” I said.

  “I don’t think that’s possible.”

  “I love you,” I told her.

  She paused for a few seconds, studying me through the phone. “I love you, more.”