The Darkness Within

by Taylor K. Scott

  “Yeah, that is totally you,” I reply truthfully, before swinging the conversation back around again. “But how come I didn’t see any of this?”

  “Eighth grade is a shitty year when you’re growing up. Your hormones are flying all over the place and you kind of regress into being consumed by yourself, just like when you’re a toddler. And I’m talkin’ boys and girls, Sugar,” he says with another obvious grin. “Plus, you were pretty tight with Matt, so anyone else probably wouldn’t have featured on your radar.”

  “So, you’re saying I ignored him and his shitty situation because I was only thinking about myself? Well gee, that makes me feel sucky!” I huff but he just laughs at me.

  “We’ve all been there, Mils, but you live and learn. Still doesn’t make up for him being a jerk to you in Sophomore year, does it?” he levels with me and I have to admit, Bowie’s reasons, though valid, didn’t warrant the amount of humiliation he rained down on me.

  “I don’t know, maybe, no…God! Can I just fast forward to being an adult? To Grant being out of jail and school being just a distant nightmare, far behind me?!”

  “Nope!” Even he pops the damn ‘p’. “It builds character, or so they say. Haven’t quite reached a verdict yet.”

  “Grrr…” I moan before collapsing against the surface of the breakfast bar where I’m halfway through these stupid college applications again. Is it weird I’m getting boy advice from a man who has vowed to never be in an actual relationship beyond one or two nights?

  “I gotta go,” he says, “tonight’s date is here, but I’ll see you Sunday, ok?”

  “Yeah, thanks, Gabe,” I reply, even though he hasn’t given me the magical answer I was hoping for.

  The doorbell snaps me out of my half-hearted concentration on college applications, the ones I’m not overly enthusiastic about because I’ve already got my heart set on Stanford. I check the time and frown, trying to think who on Earth would be calling on me on a Friday night when most people my age are already out partying for the weekend.

  Pushing away from the breakfast bar, my make-shift desk, I saunter over to the front door and open it to find Mercy dressed in the sluttiest nurse’s outfit you have ever seen. My mouth drops open in both amusement and shock, but my expression soon turns to horror when I realize two weeks have already passed and I’m meant to be going to Matt’s party of enforced merriment and debauchery.

  “Shit!” I gasp, clasping my hand over my mouth, just as Mercy places her hands huffily onto her hips. “I totally forgot!”

  Between Grant’s phone call, college applications, being locked in a high-tech shed with my archnemesis, as well as arranging to see Gabe at Stanford, the whole thing got pushed out of my head. Mercy tuts and folds her arms in frustration over my scatty brain but eventually offers a huge grin over my dippy attitude to all things remotely normal for a teenager, including parties.

  “I don’t even have anything to wear,” I look at her with wide eyes. I then shrug and fall back to my well-practiced not-really-bothered nonchalance. “Oh well, can’t go then!”

  “Oh no you don’t!” she chastises me. “I’ve been looking forward to this all week and I paid silly money for this ridiculous outfit, so you’re going!” I pull a pout before she pushes me back further inside. “Now lead me to your mother’s wardrobe. I’m sure she has something you can wear!”

  About forty minutes later, I have been dressed, painted, and had my hair painfully yanked around so I now resemble a very inappropriate looking secretary. I chance a look in front of the mirror and wince at the extremely slutty reflection now staring back at me with just as much reticence. I try spinning around, posing in different ways to try and convince myself that I don’t look as provocative as I know I do, but it does nothing to alleviate my anxiety.

  The black skirt Mercy lent me is traveling further and further up towards my ass, while my mother’s fitted white shirt with a fashionably large collar and ruffles that line the center parting, reveals far too much cleavage. Put together with the black stilettos that I am bound to fall from and a pair of Mum’s reading glasses which Mercy insists I wear at the end of my nose, and you can imagine how deeply uncomfortable I’m feeling.

  Her piece de resistance is pulling my hair back into a high ponytail which Arianna Grande would be proud of. My makeup is thick with mascara and pink lip gloss because, apparently, red would tip me into looking like a whore. Otherwise, I am the epitome of class!

  “Ho-lee shit!” Mercy laughs with her jaw dropping down to the floor as she takes me in. She smacks my ass when she finally rounds on me with a face-splitting grin. “Where the hell have you been hiding Amelia Thomas?! I tell you; I would do you if we weren’t already late!”

  “I look like a cheap bitch who would sleep with her boss to get to the top!” I place my arms around my waist in a piss poor attempt to cover myself up. I can assure you it doesn’t work. “I can’t go out looking like this!”

  “You look drop-dead sexy, Millie, and you are going like this!” She points at me and pulls a devious grin. “If only so I can see how people react when they see you. Damn, I’m good!” she declares and links her arm through mine to pull me out before I can go and lock myself in the bathroom, which is beginning to feel more and more appealing.

  When we reach downstairs, I automatically walk over to the French windows so we can take my usual route across the yard. However, without prior warning or explanation, Mercy pulls me back towards the front door.

  “Nah-ah, we’re not using the tradesmen’s entrance tonight!” she finally announces when we exit the front door. “Plus, those heels will stick into the ground, and I bet Mommy wouldn’t appreciate that.”

  I smirk when I bitterly consider the fact Mommy dearest wouldn’t even know because she’s never here!

  “Let’s go, sexy bitch!”

  Chapter 14

  Amelia

  I pause when we approach the front of Matt’s house and, thankfully, Mercy allows me to take my time crossing the small path that leads up to his now very intimidating front door. I have to let her knock because it feels extremely weird and unnatural to be entering his house this way. Bile travels up my throat when I think of how much easier it would have been to sneak in through the broken fence panel at the back of the garden. However, this was my best gal pal’s plan all along; to show me off like a pimped-up poodle to all the cool kids.

  I have to admit when Melody answers the door and drops her mouth open in silent shock, I do have to bite my lips together to stop myself from laughing. Mercy shows no such restraint. Instead, she wiggles her eyebrows and grins lasciviously while the bitch before me does a double-take of my raunchy outfit, which unwittingly gives me a confidence boost in the process. Without any words of greeting or bitchiness, Melody Carpenter scoots to the side and lets us pass through, still gawping at my new look. One I have no intention of keeping up beyond tonight.

  Mercy takes my hand and leads me through the throng of people dancing, drinking, and making out with one another. It doesn’t escape my notice when people’s eyes start to fall on me, staring at Matt’s awkward friend who now looks like one of the slutty brigade. Although Mercy is loving it, I can’t say the same. When we finally step outside, I feel a lot better. The air soothes my nausea and I gulp it in with large breaths, just like I did back in the shed a few days ago.

  “Hey Matt, great party!” Mercy grins, licking her lips when she notices most of the football team are here, all dressed as soldiers on tour. It’s an impressive show of muscle, camo pants, and khaki green, fitted wife beaters, and I can’t help admitting it is a nice view to take in.

  Does that make me as bad as the boys who were drinking in our exposed body parts back inside?

  Mercy theatrically side steps, revealing my sexed-up appearance to Matt, who spits out his mouthful of beer, all the while looking me up and down in shock. Half the people outside snicker over his reaction, but I can’t help feeling like this was a very bad and completely se
lfish idea. I’m doing exactly what Bowie had accused me of, teasing and leading my best friend on. Either that or shoving what he can’t have right in front of his face. Some of the other men drink me in, wolf-whistling and looking like they would literally jump me if I only let them.

  When my eyes finally land on Bowie, who is currently leaning against the side of a table, he looks at me with a lot less appreciation. In fact, he’s grimacing and making me feel so shameful I consider running to the back of the yard and locking myself away in my house. He pushes away from the edge before walking slowly over to where Matt is still staring at me. He looks like he’s about to say something, so I brace myself, holding my breath and clenching my fists tightly, but after a few tense moments, all he does is walk away.

  “Millie! Y-you’re here, you’re…” Matt stutters, running his hands anxiously through his hair as he walks up to me. “You’re stunning! Oh my God!”

  He walks around me, ogling my outfit, just as I catch Bowie casting his judgmental eyes on me and simultaneously shaking his head. He makes me feel dirty.

  “Erm, yeah, sorry we’re late,” I gulp, then laugh nervously. “I was filling in applications and I totally forgot.”

  “Let me get you a drink,” Matt says, still staring up and down my legs.

  “Already done, lover,” Mercy giggles and hands me a beer before taking my hand inside of hers. “And now that you’ve seen her, I’m taking her inside for dancing. I feel the force will be strong with this one!”

  She wastes no time in pulling me back inside and into the throng of bodies moving around to the beat of the music. I glance over at Matt one more time, but his face looks almost thunderous as he watches Mercy pulling me away from him.

  So, to complete my utterly slutty look, I have to engage in dancing like I’m dry humping against my friend, though to be honest, it’s kind of fun. Mercy doesn’t leave my side as she gyrates against me, taking the lead like an honorary man and making it easy to let my inhibitions go. I find myself laughing and throwing myself into the atmosphere of bumping and grinding like a stripper, safe in the knowledge that Mercy will literally go to town on anyone who tries to go beyond our limits. The beers I’m chugging back make it a lot easier to let my hair down too. However, after two I call it quits, knowing how badly Grant used to feel after he ignored his cut-off point and drank himself into a stupor. I know to keep my wits about me, especially with all the inappropriate ass pinching.

  A few songs later, I meander through the crowd towards the kitchen and help myself to copious amounts of water, knowing that dehydration is one of the key factors to a hangover. Something else I learned from Grant before everything turned to shit.

  “Fuck, that’s sexy, you can drink me any day!” a pervy voice says from nearby, causing me to look quickly to the side, where I catch Matt and Russ watching me drink. I wipe away a few drips that have leaked from my lips when I was trying not to laugh at Matt slapping his gross friend upside the head.

  “Can I talk to you for a minute?” Matt asks with those puppy dog eyes, the ones that guilt me into practically anything.

  Russ rubs at his head, looking deeply unimpressed at both of us and when I offer him nothing more than an involuntary grimace, it’s enough to have him walking away in a huff. My gaze soon returns to Matt with a smile and nod at his request. Taking my hand, he begins walking me up the stairs, telling me it’s quieter up there, so I follow him without question. Besides, I’ve been up here a thousand times and it’s just as full of people as it is downstairs.

  The quietness of the bedroom is a relief I didn’t know I needed but now I’m left with a slight buzzing inside my ears. Matt looks at me strangely when I rub at the side of them. I laugh softly, shaking it off as I saunter over to the window to take a look outside where various people are congregating on the lawn outback. The weather is still in summertime and dusk is only beginning to hit with a purple and pink glow, a time I’d normally be thinking about Grant and what he’s doing. Suddenly, I can’t wait to see him, to tell him I still care about him and support him, even if it feels like the rest of his family has abandoned his plight.

  The heat from Matt’s body infiltrates my back and his sudden presence snaps me back into the here and now. I gasp in shock before laughing over my skittishness.

  “You look amazing tonight, Mils,” he says with a soft smile, “so confident, so grown up.”

  The way he’s looking at me, not quite in my eye but all over my body, has me laughing unnaturally and placing my arms protectively around my waist again. I want to say something, to bring the conversation back to something neutral, something safe but I suddenly have no voice with which to speak with. He bites his lip and closes the gap between us, so close we’re almost touching.

  “I know you say you don’t want us to go any further but seeing as we’re here I was kind of hoping…” he swallows, and I can see how hard this is for him. It’s a painful scene I am being forced to witness, let alone be a part of. “I was kind of hoping you would let me kiss you, just to see?”

  My eyes shoot wide open as he steps in even closer, looking at me with such intensity I’m suddenly aware of my chest heaving up and down with deep, unsettled breaths. It strikes me that this action is probably not helping the situation at all.

  “If you don’t like it, you can say so, and I’ll drop it!”

  “I, I, I don’t think that’s a good idea, Matt,” I manage to push out. “I can’t-”

  “Don’t we owe it to ourselves…” he says softly, placing his finger to my lips, now parted to inhale any molecule of oxygen I can get, though it probably looks highly suggestive to him. “Just to see if there’s anything more between us. Please? We could be great together, Mils, like the real deal! I need this, to see if we have something, please?”

  The hurt and desperation in those puppy dog eyes make me wither away and I feel guilty. So, so, guilty.

  “Ok,” I whisper, but sounding unconvinced.

  “Yeah?” he asks with a face-splitting grin, looking like all his Christmases have come at once.

  “Yes, ok,” I reply awkwardly, then take in a deep breath. “But if I say stop, then that’s it, Matt. No more and you accept it!”

  He nods rapidly but wastes no time in reaching around to the back of my shirt and gripping onto the fabric, balling it into a fist as he moves in closer. I suddenly feel trapped into this, whether I like it or not.

  My eyes stay locked open as he closes his and presses his lips to mine, watching as he moves against me before forcing mine to close too. My chest tingles, but not in a good way. Not in a way you’re supposed to feel with a first kiss with somebody; ot in a way Matt is hoping it to be. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice kiss, but it’s way too intense, too intimate, and it feels all wrong.

  He parts my lips with his tongue and begins to thrust it inside to explore my mouth. Now I really don’t like it, so I try to push away. I feel instantly relieved when he pulls back and looks into my eyes but remains clinging on tightly to my shirt.

  “Don’t tell me you don’t feel it, Mils. Can you feel how much I want you? How much I need you?”

  He pulls my body uptight towards him and I can feel a hard bulge up against my stomach before he begins to thrust his tongue inside of my mouth again. I try to resist but my mixed emotions and the weirdness of the situation have caused me to go rigid inside of his arms, which are still caging me against his body. Before I realize what’s happening, he starts to push me towards the bed. All too soon, the backs of my knees hit the soft sheets hanging over the edge. Panic sets in and I can feel my stomach churning, preparing to empty its contents in its attempt to flee as quickly as possible.

  I emit a high-pitched whimpering noise inside of his mouth while desperately trying to push him off, but he just pulls me against him even tighter. I begin to see a haze of red as I realize my friend is taking advantage of me in a horrible way, betraying my trust by ignoring my pleas to stop. There’s no denying he knows I want this
to end. I don’t want this anymore and he’s reneged on our deal.

  “Matt!” a male voice booms from the door. “Get off of her, man!”

  Like I’ve been given a lifesaving oxygen mask, I gulp in the fresh air as soon as Matt is hauled away from me. It feels like the weight of the world has suddenly been lifted off from my entire body. As I move further away from the boy who was just caging me in like his very own prisoner, I soon realize I have streams of silent tears falling over my cheeks.

  “I’m sorry,” Matt splutters, throwing his hands over his face and looking like he has no idea what just came over him. Bowie has him held up against the window while I’m trying to get a hold over my wobbly legs. “Millie, please, forgive me, I’m sorry, I just love you so much, I…” he huddles over, just as Bowie releases him with a flop to the ground where I think I hear him sobbing. I can’t look at him properly. In fact, I can’t even say anything right now.