The Darkness Within

by Taylor K. Scott

  Amelia

  “So, who do you think it was?” Mercy asks as she blows the steam away from the top of her mug of tea and curls her legs underneath herself on the sofa. At first, I just shrug, then put on an old episode of Rocko’s Modern Life, my go-to therapy of choice when life is handing me yet more drama I can’t deal with. “Jeez, why do you watch this crap all the time?”

  I smile at the screen which currently has my favorite little wallaby taking up the whole space with his anxious face, while Mercy frowns at the cartoon like it’s the weirdest obsession on earth. She’s not the first person to question my childhood obsession and most likely, won’t be the last. The answer is simple; they zone me out of real life.

  I can guarantee ten to twenty minutes of complete dramaless action during my time spent in front of these fictional characters. They make me laugh, as well as reminding me of a much simpler time when I didn’t need to worry about anything that important. My parents seemed happy together, my big brother was here with me, and I certainly didn’t have any concerns over boys. Apart from my best friend who I could hang out with and not feel uncomfortable about his attraction towards me.

  Saturdays were spent outside playing Dungeons and Dragons, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and anything else our imaginations gave way to. And all the while, I could wear a pair of old tracksuit bottoms, an unnamed pair of trainers that were covered in dirt, and if I forgot to brush my hair that morning, no one would give a shit, least of all me. I wasn’t bullied, I wasn’t taunted, and I wasn’t led by raging hormones.

  Ren and Stimpy, Rocko, Heffa, and the Toads are my happy-go-lucky heroes who always make me feel content and like a child for a good twenty minutes per episode. I’d take that life again any day of the week, because becoming an adult is vastly overrated and kind of turns you into an asshole, from what I’ve experienced, anyway.

  “You wanna know what I think?” Mercy interrupts my thoughts just as Rocko is battling over pressing ‘the red button’.

  “I don’t know, do I?” I answer her theatrically with wide eyes, expecting her to say something totally inappropriate.

  “I think it was your boy toy,” she blurts out, to which I blink at her with a healthy dose of disbelief, “and I don’t mean Bowie.”

  “Er…?”

  “Matt!” She throws her hands up and looks to the ceiling in an overly dramatic fashion. “I think you’ve finally made him go gah-gah!” she explains, whirling her finger around at the side of her head.

  “Well, someone is certainly gah-gah around here,” I giggle over her ridiculousness. “Besides, Matt knows where we keep the key to the house, so if he was hoping to jump me in the middle of the night, he could have done so a lot more easily than smashing the window in.”

  “Maybe it was to cover his tracks,” she shrugs. I sigh at the same time as thinking she’s watched far too many CSI episodes. “You know the day Bowie broke up with you, that was all premeditated by him? The slip of the tongue over visiting Grant, the boxers in the bed, even coming over that Sunday to quiz you over your brother.”

  “What?!” I scoff, mostly thinking how outlandish she sounds. However, a sliver of doubt trickles through my mind and I know she can see it.

  “I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and I wondered if Matt was so obsessed with you, why did he put up with Bowie being such an ass to you back in Sophomore year?” she continues, “I think it’s because he wanted you two to stay at each other’s throats. You said so yourself, he read your diary, so he knew you had a crush on him. Think about it!”

  She taps at the side of her head while I take in her words. Even if she is right, it doesn’t mean he was the one to break in last night and frighten me half to death. That’s just not the boy I know. Even so, the conversation has made my head hurt with anxiety, so I continue to watch my cartoons and try to be content to just let them wipe my mind of such intrigue.

  After having explained the whole break-in to Gabe earlier on, he arrives that evening to stay with me. By the time he turns up, I don’t feel much like talking to anyone, but fortunately, he gets it and leaves me be. I don’t mean to be a crappy host, but my head is still hurting from everything and it seems to be getting harder and harder to wade through it all. After dinner, he throws a chip at me and orders me to bed, then laughs when I pretend to protest, but secretly feel relieved that he’s given me a get out.

  I have a long, hot shower, then wander over to my window, wearing my extra baggy PJs because I’m feeling a need for comfort, and notice it’s a full moon. It’s not quite dark yet, but I know the luminosity will be shining through my bedroom window and is going to be so bright, it won’t help in my quest for sleep. The days are getting longer again, and I know Summer is beginning. I can feel it, smell it, and soon I will be able to leave this place behind me. Maybe, when I do, I can stop being someone who needs looking after.

  I notice Matt sitting in his garden, drinking beer from a bottle and chatting with his father who is in the seat next to him. They look like each other, just one is an older version. I can even see that they laugh in the exact same way. As they break into a chuckle over something only known to them, his mother comes out to join the party and is soon laughing and joking along too. It makes me realize the scene is full of everything I don’t have.

  But I will.

  I make a promise to myself, that one day I will have my family back. Not my mother and father because they left a long time ago. But I will have my brother, and one day, I may even find someone who will love me unconditionally, and without the judgment I’ve had to endure for the last couple of years.

  After a few moments of staring, though not really taking them in any longer, I take one last glance at Matt before planning to leave my sitting place and get into bed. However, he shocks me by looking up at my window and smiling, waving at me like we used to, during a time when we would literally play with one another every day. His friendly gesture prompts his parents to do the same, making them all look like the picture-perfect family that most people my age would tease him for. But not Matt, he always comes out looking like the epitome of cool. He’s your wholesome, ‘would be proud to show him off to your parents,’ kind of cool, whereas Bowie has always been your bad boy cool. The one you would have to give strict instructions to before taking him anywhere near your family for fear of him saying something completely inappropriate or grabbing hold of your ass in front of your father.

  Instinctively, I wave back awkwardly, for their smiling makes me feel ashamed. Ashamed for doubting my friend, ashamed for being jealous of them, and ashamed for causing him and Bowie to needlessly break up their friendship.

  Chapter 31

  Amelia

  The next day, Gabe insisted on taking me to school on the back of his bike, which means I’m now wearing jeans on one of the hottest days of the year so far. He gave me a pep talk about ignoring the cool kids and kicking butt before zooming off down the road, causing some Juniors to jump and drop all their stuff to the ground. I quickly headed inside the gate, wincing at their pissed-off expressions and rantings about the ‘asshole’ who had revved his bike just to look like a ‘big dick’.

  By the time I’ve walked through the first car park, I can already spy Matt heading my way with a face-splitting grin. Mercy is leaning up against the fence behind him and I notice deep suspicion written all over her face as she silently sums him up without his knowledge.

  “Hey Mils, everything ok?” he calls over. “I saw the police at your place the other night. Nothing serious I hope?”

  “Oh no, just thought I heard something,” I shrug, trying to play the whole thing down and forget about it.

  “You should have called, you know I would be there for you, any time, any place!” He smiles and I feel guilty all over again.

  “Hopefully, there won’t be a ‘next time’, but thanks, Matt.”

  “Are you coming on Friday?” He throws his arm around me and we all begin to head towards the school entra
nce. “You know we’re going to squash them on Friday, so it will be celebrations around my place!”

  “Your confidence always amazes me,” I giggle, choosing to ignore Detective Clouseau, aka Mercy, who is trying to give me wide eyes as she takes up her place a little way behind us. “But yes, actually. I would love to come.”

  “Hey, hey!” He squeezes me tightly a couple of times. “That’s my girl!”

  Mercy frowns at me and mouths ‘no’ rather dramatically, but I just shake my head at her with a smirk, which to my relief, she seems to accept.

  “Yeah, but I have Gabe staying with me,” I continue, “he can come too, right?”

  “Oh…yeah…of course,” he flusters and grabs the back of his neck like he always does when he’s feeling nervous. “So, are you and him a thing again?”

  “No,” I reply with a heavy sigh, “Gabe is just a good friend, that’s all!”

  Mercy has now taken to making rude gestures with both her mouth and hand before grinning cheekily at me, but at least she’s no longer berating me for talking to Matt.

  “Oh, great! Sure, he can come!” he replies, looking like a smiling, panting dog who’s enjoying a car ride with his head hanging out the window. Subtle Matt, real subtle! But I am going to this thing for Grant’s sake, so will have to follow through.

  Matt holds the door for me when we finally reach the front entrance, so I thank him before walking past to go down the hallway of doom. True to form, my entrance causes a deafening silence to fall over the entire corridor of students, where Bowie and I face one another. I guess the fact that he now has Melody wrapped all around his body is the cause for such a reaction from the student body, no doubt hoping for yet another showdown with me at the center of it. The whole atmosphere is reminiscent of an old western with guns being drawn at dawn.

  We stare at one another for a minute or two, with me trying to push aside how hurt I feel. Eventually, I shrug my shoulders as a mark of indifference. Melody grins at me while she grabs hold of his hand and pulls him off in the opposite direction. Like her little pet, he follows obediently, with his hand still wrapped firmly inside of hers. I guess this tells me everything I need to know. A bitter, painful feeling pierces through my chest and I bolt for the nearest toilets where I wretch into the toilet bowl.

  Mercy is quickly at my side, rubbing large circles onto my back in comforting motions, giving me plenty of sympathetic sighs. Her voiceless support tells me she thinks I should say ‘fuck you’ to both of them and move on. Being the way that she is, however, and the fact that she knows me better than myself, she remains silent, to which I’m thankful for.

  I know I haven’t got long until I can finally say sayonara to the entire school and begin again somewhere else, so this is what I need to hold onto. Otherwise, I’ll go insane. Even so, I would give anything to be Rocko right now!

  And so, the days become little repeats of the ones before them, with me having to run into Bowie and Melody wherever I go. The girl has no shame when she ties herself up all around him, slobbering over any exposed piece of flesh she can find, and I swear her outfits get more and more risqué as the week goes on. The only saving grace is Bowie seems just as put off by it as I am, never kissing her back, but never pushing her away either. It’s all a bit of a mind fuck and if it weren’t for Gabe staying, I think I would sink even further into the dark recesses of my depressing thoughts.

  Matt has taken to being very handsy with me, beyond the normal affection he used to offer, and I cringe with each and every touch. Meanwhile, Mercy keeps trying to persuade me to take advantage of Gabe, even though I have told her on countless occasions that it would be like sleeping with my brother. She usually responds with something a little incestuous and I have to give her the look. The one that says, ‘You’ve gone too far.’

  Gabe, at least, is my rock, being dependable like Grant was for me. He brings a sense of calm over my rising stress levels, even when Dad called to say the house was officially on the market, then hung up without even saying goodbye. Mom called a few days later to try and appease her guilt by weeping apologies over the phone. Neither of them mentioned coming to see me, but I think I’ve reached a point whereby their uncaring insensitivity and selfishness just bounces off of me. At least when it comes to my parents, I’ve finally grown an impenetrable, thick skin.

  I didn’t go to the friendly game on Friday. I couldn’t face seeing Bowie and Melody all over each other and would have felt beyond awkward. Especially seeing as Matt seems to be draping his arm over me whenever we’re together. I’ve even had some of his friends ask if we’re going out with one another and they always look a little perplexed when I say no. Matt had said he understood when I told him I wouldn’t be coming, but I could tell he was kind of bummed about it.

  A couple, with a young, happy, shiny, Disney-type family, came to view the house, so Gabe and I made ourselves scarce by going for a walk to discuss what we might be looking out for tonight. We also came up with a hand signal like a couple of ‘Harriet the Spies’ and agreed to keep our phones firmly against our bodies should we need to contact one another over the noise. We ended up giggling over how CSI we sounded with our scheming for espionage later that evening. It did, however, settle my nerves a little and by the time we had to get going, I was pumped up for it.

  Just before we left, Gabe and I checked each other out, assessing one another’s outfit for its suitability. I’m guessing Gabe was the bad boy sort at school, rather than the football jock. I bet he rocked up to one of these things about as many times as I have. He’s wearing a black button-down shirt, which is probably the only one he possesses, together with a pair of ripped jeans and biker boots. I’ve opted for a red summer dress with my hair lying long and curled down my back, a look that’s alien for me too.

  We decide to go via the backyard, trying to look inconspicuous and casual, which is ridiculous considering my ‘date’ still looks like he’s about to meet up with his motorbike gang, and I look like I’m trying to join the cheerleading, popular girl group. Plus, the entire school seems to think Matt and I are together, yet now I’m turning up with Gabe, after having dated Bowie. Jeez, my reputation has gone from dowdy to polygamous dater, all in the space of just a few months.

  Thankfully, there’s no sign of Bowie, but Melody is standing with her friends in short shorts and a sparkly vest top which shows off her flat midriff. On closer inspection, I can appreciate she is a stunning girl on the outside, but you can’t hide ugly on the inside for long, and unfortunately, that is exactly what she is. Sadly, however, it would seem that she is what Bowie prefers: pretty, uncomplicated, and more than agreeable.

  One of the nicer cheerleaders, a girl I used to hang out with in middle school, spots us and points over to Gabe with a seductive bite of her lip. I shake my head over the cliché move but then laugh when it more than works with Gabe, who is now looking at me as if it’s his way in. He proceeds to saunter over with a wolfish grin, where the girls lap him up while the surrounding boys seem less than impressed by their new competition. It’s so fascinating to watch, I half expect a voice-over to begin narrating this little display of wildlife before me, being that it shows natural instincts at their basest form.

  “Mils!” Matt beams, breaking me out of my little thought process before he leans down to kiss me on the cheek.

  I smile back and accept the bottle of beer he’s already holding out towards me, enjoying the coolness of the liquid as soon as it touches my lips. It’s unseasonably warm and I’m glad I chose a summer dress over my usual jeans.

  The soothing liquid soon melts away my anxieties and I instantly relax into sharing a drink with my old buddy, who is also chugging back his own beer, no doubt being several in front of me. I peek inside and notice the usual bumping and grinding taking place, together with a few seniors smoking from a bong that has caused a small fog to form in the corner of the room. I involuntarily shiver over its presence, knowing that this is how things started when Sam was last
here with Grant.

  For a long while, I stick to Matt for comfort and to gain a bit of confidence. For once, he’s keeping his hands to himself, which relaxes me and we end up talking about the game I missed, as well as the plans we each have for the summer. I watch him frown when I tell him about the family coming to view the house today, but when I ask him to dance, he loosens up a bit. We even end up laughing and acting silly like we used to, making me forget about all the dry humping going on around us. For a while, it’s just us teasing one another over everything and anything, giggling at all the public displays of affection that seem to be surrounding us.

  Having finished my beer, I am more than ready to empty my bladder which has been whining like a bitch for the past twenty minutes or so. The trouble is, once I go, I’ll end up needing to pee like a toddler who’s still learning to control their bladder. However, when you gotta go, you gotta go, so when the song changes, I signal to Matt and head upstairs, knowing the queue will be ever so slightly shorter than the one downstairs. Plus, the fewer people traffic, the better the state of the bathroom. Drunk men using the toilet usually equals bad aiming and piss all over the seat, or even worse, projectile vomit.