The Crown Jewels Boxed Set (A Crown Jewels Romantic Comedy Series)

by Melanie Summers

  “Of course. It’s your body. Your choice.” I lean down and give her a peck on the cheek. “Just as long as you make the right choice.”

  Tessa smacks me on the arm.

  “Ouch! You’re getting so violent now that you’re pregnant.” I rub the spot where she hit me. “And you may have lost your sense of humour as well. I was only joking.”

  “So, we’ll go with Dr. Dropp, then?”

  “God, no.” I grin at her to let her know I’m joking, then let my smile fade, feeling the weight of this decision. “I am serious about wanting the best for you and the baby, though. The two of you are by far the most important people in my life, now and forever. So, will you do me a big favour and let me make sure we minimize any possible risk for both of you?”

  Tessa sighs. “Fine. We’ll meet your option as well.”

  “Thank you.”

  ****

  I’m at my desk with a pile of paperwork so tall, I can hardly see over it. I select the folder filled with congratulatory certificates for me to sign first. Might as well warm up with something mind-numbingly easy. I sigh, feeling very irritated with my father, who has just left on another trip to God-knows-where for a month, leaving me with the lion’s share of the ruling again whilst he’s off having fun. Normally, I’m happy to have him out of the country so I don’t have to deal with his crusty moods, but right now I’m in one myself.

  It’s a combination of a lack of sleep and lack of sex that has my patience worn thin at the moment. I don’t expect Tessa to want to do the horizontal tango in her current state, but the truth is that I’ve grown rather fond of having regular dance classes in the past year and a half, and now that there is literally no possibility, Excalibur and I are feeling a little pouty.

  Not that either of us would dream of telling Tessa. Poor thing is so sick that I’m actually quite worried. At this point, I think she may have lost weight in the last couple of weeks, which I find rather alarming. I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt for being responsible for the source of her current state. And if I were to be really honest, I’d admit that I feel powerless, which is not my normal condition. No man likes to feel powerless, certainly not one who has been given power over an entire kingdom for many years already. But with this, I have to sit back and watch.

  Or do I? Maybe I can convince the obstetrician to squeeze us in today and he’ll have some miracle cure for morning sickness. Deciding the certificates can wait, I press the intercom button and ask Vincent if he’s managed to get an appointment with Dr. Glastonbury.

  Vincent clears his throat twice before answering. Never a good sign. “I’m afraid I have bad news. Dr. Glastonbury is taking an early retirement, starting in two months.”

  “He’s what?”

  “Retiring. Moving to Costa Rica, actually.”

  “Can’t he wait until February?”

  Vincent pauses, which is what he does when he thinks I’m being unreasonable. “I’m afraid not. He’s very much intent on leaving before winter sets in. He did provide me with a list of qualified candidates, however. There are three in total that have been under his tutelage for several years now.”

  Dammit. This isn’t what I wanted to hear. Now Tessa’s going to want to go with Dr. Dropp The Baby. I open my mouth to speak, but Vincent cuts me off. “I’ve already taken the liberty of ordering record checks on them all. We should have the results by next Monday. Would you like to interview them at that time?”

  “Yes, please set that up.”

  ****

  7 Weeks

  It’s nearly nine o’clock on Wednesday morning, and I’m about to interview the first candidate for the position of official royal obstetrician. Tessa is going to meet me in the conference room where the interview will be held, and I’m putting last-minute touches on my questions before I go in. By noon, we should have the very best choice in care for Tessa and the baby, which shall most definitely take a load off my mind.

  First up is Dr. Dev Patell, who graduated first in his medical class and has been practicing gynecology and obstetrics for twelve years. Second will be Ted Yates, whose grandmother is an old friend of my gran. Last we have Dr. Mary O’Rourke, who won the Avonian Healthcare Award in 2014. I intend to find out what caused her to lose every year since.

  The alarm on my smart watch tells me my time is up. I gather my papers and a small bag of medical supplies that Vincent procured for me and hurry out of my office. The first test will be to see if the good doctor has already arrived or not. Two points if he’s waiting.

  When I pull open the door, Tessa is standing by the window with a thin man who I presume is Dr. Dev Patell. They’re holding cups of tea, which tells me he was early, and they’re both laughing about something, which tells me he’ll be able to put my wife’s mind at ease. Four points for Patell already. I drop my folder and bag on the table, then stealthily retrieve my first test item from my pocket.

  “Hello,” I say, walking towards him. “You must be Dr. Patell.”

  “I am, indeed. A pleasure to meet you, Your Highness.” He sets his tea on the side table and turns to shake my hand.

  “Think fast!” I say as I lob a cricket ball at him.

  He catches it with deft hands whilst Tessa yells, “Arthur! What are you doing?”

  “Checking the good doctor’s hand-eye,” I say. “If you can catch a ball you weren’t expecting, I bet you have no trouble catching a baby you’ve been waiting on for hours. Great hands, Dr. Patell.”

  I finish crossing the room to him and hold out my hand to the bewildered looking doctor. He gives me back the ball, then we shake hands, each with a firm grip. “I’m Arthur. As you know, we’re interviewing three candidates for the position of official royal obstetrician. Congratulations on making the short list.”

  Tessa’s head snaps back in surprise, then she gives me that look her mother gives Bram when he uses his fingers to take a turkey leg off the platter. She then smiles at Dr. Patell. “What Arthur means to say is that we’re very grateful you found time to meet with us today, and we’re looking forward to getting to know you a little.”

  Dr. Patell smiles. “And I, you. It’s only natural for first time parents to want to make the best choice when it comes to the care and well-being of both the mother and child. And it’s to everyone’s benefit to make sure we’re a good fit before we embark on this long and emotional journey together.”

  Oh, he’s smooth. Maybe a little too smooth. What’s his game? I wonder…

  We get seated at the table, me next to Tessa and Patell on the opposite side. I open my folder and pick up my pen. “I have a list of questions prepared, all, I’m sure, are very routine. Have you ever lost a patient through death?”

  His smile fades. “Sadly, yes. As an obstetrician, you will inevitably encounter certain medical conditions or genetic complications that don’t allow for the healthy arrival of a child.”

  Slippery answer. “Yes, obviously, but more to the point, have you ever lost a patient due to your negligence?”

  “No, of course not.”

  I jot the word ‘defensive’, then move on. “Have you ever misplaced a baby, even for just a few minutes?”

  “No, never,” Dr. Patell says, glancing from me to Tessa.

  Tessa tries to peer over my arm at the sheet in front of me, but I manage to block her view, knowing she’ll hate most of these questions.

  I write ‘very’ in front of the word ‘defensive’. “Have you ever dropped a baby on his or her head or otherwise?”

  “Dropped a…no, not once.”

  “I noticed on your Facebook page that you collect rare wines.”

  “Yes, it’s a hobby my wife and I share.” He smiles again.

  “Isn’t that nice?” Tessa says. “What do you consider the best bottle in your collection?”

  “I managed to get my hands on a ‘91 Richebourg Domaine Leroy,” he tells Tessa. “I had a glass of it once at an event. Pure magic.
We’re saving it for our twentieth anniversary next year.”

  “Oh, sounds lovely. That’s a Burgundy, right?” Tessa asks.

  “It is.”

  I relax back in my chair a bit. “So, I imagine you must drink wine on a fairly regular basis, then?”

  “One or two glasses with dinner, but never when I’m on call.”

  “Really? Never?”

  “Never.”

  “So you’ve never gotten drunk and or high when you were on call?”

  “No,” he says, narrowing his eyes at me.

  “Not even once, say, on New Year’s Eve?”

  ‘Not once, nor would I.”

  “Hmm. Okay.” I jot down ‘request lie detector test’, then keep going. “Have you ever misdiagnosed an extreme case of indigestion for pregnancy?”

  Dr. Patell laughs suddenly and shakes his head. “Oh, I get it. You two are putting me on, aren’t you?”

  Tessa laughs uneasily while I raise one eyebrow. “I take that as another no.”

  “Yes.”

  “Yes, you have mistaken indigestion for pregnancy?”

  “Yes, that the answer was no.” He gives me a confused look for a moment. “So, you are serious right now?”

  “Very.” I flip to page two of my questionnaire. “We’ve now reached the demonstration phase of our interview.” I reach into my bag and take out a fetal heart rate monitor. “Can you name this item?”

  Dr. Patell folds his arms across his chest. “It’s a Doppler Fetal Heart Monitor.”

  “Righto,” I say, checking off that item on my sheet. “I’m going to start my stopwatch, hand you the device and time you to see how quickly you’re able to obtain a heartbeat from my wife’s belly.”

  I find the stopwatch app on my phone and start to count. “On three, two—”

  The sound of the door closing interrupts me, and I look up to see that Dr. Patell is gone. I look at Tessa, who sighs with a ‘what the fuck was that?’ expression on her face.

  I shrug my shoulder. “He’s clearly not the right one for us.”

  ****

  So, it turns out obstetricians are a sensitive bunch. Apparently, they aren’t very sporty either. Based on my little test, only one in three can catch a cricket ball, so in hindsight, I realize I should have gone with something softer, like an orange. They also aren’t used to having anyone question their credentials or motivation behind their chosen profession. But I mean, seriously? These people very obviously have vagina fixations, and nobody thinks to question that?

  Long story short, we’re now waiting to get in for an appointment with Dr. Dropp, who Tessa has insisted will not be subjected to my questions under any circumstances. She was very firm on it when push came to shove. I believe her words were, “She’s been present at every birth of every Sharpe for the last forty years, and even though technically this baby will be half-Langdon, she’s exiting a Sharpe vagina, so Dr. Dropp is going to do the catching!”

  I really shouldn’t have laughed when she said ‘Sharpe vagina’. It didn’t go over well at the time, but I’m pretty sure once Tess gets her sense of humour back, she’ll find that hilarious.

  Anyway, I’ve had Vincent order a background check on Dr. Dropp, but at this point she could turn out to be a serial killer, and my wife will still want to have her deliver the baby.

  FIVE

  Thin, Smug Pregnant Doctors

  Tessa - 7 Weeks 3 Days

  “Welcome to ABNC This Weekend. I’m Veronica Platt. We're joined this morning by Lady Dr. Brooke Beddingfield Cunningham, whose spectacularly lavish wedding last spring is still being talked about and copied by the rich and famous all over Europe. As you all know, Brooke is not only an accomplished doctor, philanthropist, and former Miss Avonian pageant member, she's also married to one of Europe's biggest movie stars, Blake Cunningham, and they’re expecting their first child in October.” Veronica turns to Brooke with a huge grin. “Congratulations to you and Blake.”

  “Thank you so much for having me today, Veronica. It's an absolute pleasure to be here to discuss my passion project, the Avonian Healthy Pregnancy Foundation.”

  “Yes, we are excited to learn about the new foundation you've started, but first, how are things between you and Blake? We heard some rumblings of an on-set romance between him and Melinda Wilson, who are co-starring in the next installment of the Bond film franchise.”

  Brooke’s face spreads into a wide grin. “I’m glad you brought that up because I’d love to set the record straight with regard to all of that silly business. Melinda is a dear friend to us both, and I can tell you she has no designs on my husband, not that it would matter if she did, of course, because he’s one hundred percent committed to me. In fact, Blake and I couldn't be happier.”

  “That’s wonderful to hear, especially since some have said you two rushed into marriage, and now into parenthood.”

  “All I can say about that is when you find your soulmate, you just know. That's how it was when Blake and I met. We both knew almost instantly. And now, with the welcoming of our first child, we’re absolutely ecstatic and want to share our good fortune with others, which is where the idea for the Avonian Healthy Pregnancy Foundation came from. We realized early on how lucky we are to have the financial cushion, as well as my medical knowledge, which will allow me to have the healthiest pregnancy possible, filled with optimal nutrition for our baby’s developing brain, skeletal structure, musculature, etc.

  “But sadly, that isn’t always the case. In fact, forty percent of pregnancies are not what we would call healthy, and as many as ninety percent aren’t what we’d call optimal, which is the type of pregnancy in which every bite counts and every precaution is taken.”

  “So, you're talking about obvious things like no alcohol, but even more so, I noticed a focus on your foundation's website about no sugar, and I'd like to ask a little bit more about that.”

  “Right. Sugar really is the enemy of a developing baby. A lot of mums give in to the cravings for sweets and absolutely bombard their developing baby with unhealthy fructose and glucose instead of making better choices, such as fresh fruits and vegetables, which provide the micro-nutrients needed to allow a child to develop to their maximum potential.”

  “Interesting. The website suggests removing all processed foods, prepackaged meals, fast food, sugar, and caffeine from your diet. A lot of mums-to-be may not like this message, Brooke.”

  “Sometimes what’s right and what’s popular are vastly different. Far too many women use pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever they want whenever they want it, when in truth, pregnancy is the time to watch what you eat more carefully than ever.”

  “And just look at you,” Veronica says. “I can't even tell you’re pregnant.”

  “But I really am,” Brooke says, sparking a fit of laughter from the two beautiful women.

  Veronica smiles into the camera. “Brooke has some exciting news. As the ambassador for the Avonian Healthy Pregnancy Foundation, she’s going to be a guest on our show once each month leading up to the birth of her baby, which will be broadcast live on ABNC!”

  “That’s right, Veronica. I want to show women out there how an optimal pregnancy will lead to an easy labour and delivery. We won’t actually show anything graphic, but you’ll be with me as I smoothly transition through the phases of labour and Blake and I welcome our child into the world.”

  “Aren’t you at all worried about the birthing process being tougher than you imagine? I mean, this is your first baby.”

  “I’m not worried at all. As a medical professional, I know that proper prenatal care makes labour and delivery a breeze,” Brooke says with a glowing smile.

  “Wonderful. Well, who knows, Brooke? You may be leading the charge on a revolution in maternity care.”

  “That’s my goal—to empower women everywhere to take control of their health rather than numb themselves with junk food, only to then require medicati
on to get through delivery…”

  Text from me to Nikki: Are you watching this crap?

  Nikki: Yes, call me immediately.

  “How obnoxious can that woman get?” I say as soon as Nikki answers the phone. I’m lying on the couch with Buckety and a box of crackers while Arthur is down at the gym working out.

  “Her obnoxiousness knows no bounds.”

  “And how is she possibly four months pregnant but not showing at all yet? I mean, I’ve been squinting at the screen the entire interview, and it looks like her stomach is actually concave.” I nibble on the corner of a saltine like Charlie Bucket having the tiniest bite of chocolate he bought with that dollar he found.

  “Yes, there's something weird there,” Nikki says. “She probably hired a surrogate and will strap a pillow to her midsection in a couple of months. The phony bitch.”

  Nikki and I both laugh at the idea. When we’re done, I say, “It's so nice to have a snarky friend to share these moments with.”

  “Well, you can pretty much always count on me for some snark. And whenever there’s some pious bitch who needs to be made fun of, I’ll always be here for you.”

  “And that's why I love you,” I say, burping and giving the rest of the cracker to Dexter, who’s standing beside the couch, staring at me with hopeful eyes.

  “Do you really think she and Blake are in love?”

  “Doubt it.”

  This is a conversation neither Nikki nor I ever grow tired of. Brooke moved at lightning speed from trying to snag Arthur out from under me to marrying Blake Cunningham, who for many years was considered the second most eligible bachelor in the kingdom (right behind Arthur, of course).

  “Can you believe she’s going to give birth live on television? Talk about overconfident. There are about a million ways that could go wrong.”

  “That’s for sure,” Nikki says. “And isn’t it a bit of a private moment to share with the world? I mean, her hoity-toity parents must be horrified.”