by Cee, DW
“Oh my gosh, Ben. Seriously?” Mar put her head in her hands and I worried she might hyperventilate.
“Please, Mar? Chalk this up to me thinking only about me, me being an idiot, me asking inappropriate questions. I need to know. Do you still love me?”
Right now, this answer was more important than anything, anyone but my Alice. It wasn’t an easy one to ask and I didn’t understand why knowing Mar’s heart was of utmost importance.
It wasn’t as if I loved Marni. I mean, of course, I loved her as friend and family. I loved her for what she was doing for Ali and myself. However, that didn’t mean I loved her as a woman. My wife had just passed away. It would take me a lifetime to get over her loss. Not Marni, not any other woman on earth could replace the gorgeous woman whom I woke up to every morning for ten years. Why was it imperative that I know whether Marni loved me? What the hell did I care? I had no answers, but I cared and I needed to know.
“Ben, I give up.” That wasn’t the expected answer. “For days I wondered when I’d stop loving you. It hurt me to see you and my sister at family functions. It killed me when you and my sister asked me to carry your baby. I always believed you and I would have a little Alice of our own. How cruel was life?—my sister married the man I loved and I was asked to carry your child but have no part in your happiness. I cried for days wondering why. And now here I am, ‘taking my sister’s place.’ To some, like my father and Jean, it may look as if I’m trying to find my way into your bed by using Ali as ammunition. To me, I’m helping a man who was once my best friend and my love, and as an added bonus, loving the little girl I carried for nine months. Everyone may disagree, but in my heart, Alice Howard is as much my child as she is yours and Melody’s. So to answer your question, do I still love you? I can only admit that I don’t know when and if I ever stopped.”
That was the end of our conversation, for now…
Chapter 13 Marni (Past)
Can’t Fight This Feeling ~REO Speedwagon
“I have a problem,” I said as calmly as I could on the phone.
“What’s the matter, Marni? Why aren’t you with Noah?” I tried to be calm because I knew Mom would freak. Sure enough, I could feel her anxiety through the phone.
“I’ll explain later but I need some money to exchange my ticket.”
“Why?”
“Mom,” I asked softly with tears in my eyes and a big lump in my throat. “I promise, I’ll tell you everything later. Right now, I need to get home.”
“Come to Florida. Spend the night at your aunt’s.”
“OK,” I whispered for fear the tears would spill. “Is it all right if I charge everything to your card? I don’t have enough money in the bank to cover this.”
“Of course. You never need to ask questions like that. Call me back as soon as arrangements have been made.”
I hung up and worked with the attendant at the desk to change my flight. Unfortunately, all the flights leaving for Fort Lauderdale were finished. I’d have to spend a night here. Explaining the circumstances to my mother, I found a cheap hotel near the airport and tried to settle in for the night.
This evening was such a blur. What I saw in front of Noah’s apartment, I did not imagine. The stunning woman next to Noah was Siena, and their rapport was real, sincere, and full of affection.
“Hello?” I answered an incoming call expecting Mom to check in.
In the haze of it all, I picked up Noah’s call instead. I’d done a good job dodging his persistent calls until now.
“Marni! Thank God you answered.” I didn’t know what to say. There wasn’t much I could say. “Marni?”
“Yes?”
“Where are you? We need to talk. I’ll come to you.”
“Noah. I’m tired. It’s been a long day. Let’s talk another time.”
“No. We need to talk now.”
“All right. I’ll send you the address of the hotel.”
I gave in because I wanted a resolution before seeing Mom. I didn’t need this heartache hanging over me. Noah would tell me the truth, I’d accept, and we’d move on with life. Uncertainty and unnecessary hope had no part in our relationship.
Though it was late, I called Sylvia and explained what I saw in front of Noah’s apartment. Then, I listened to her advice.
“Do you love him, Marni? Did you ever love him?” Sylvia understood me uncomfortably well.
“I don’t know, Syl. I can say I never loved him like I loved Ben. But my feelings for Noah ran much deeper than friendship. I thought I loved him.”
“Let’s say Noah tells you he’s made a big mistake. He wants your forgiveness and he wants to try again. What would you do?”
“I don’t know.”
“What would you do if he told you he was in love with Siena and he wanted to break up?” I cried with this question. It hurt too much to think of Noah leaving me. “I think you have your answer, Mar. You love Noah. It pains you to imagine him loving someone else. If this was just a stupid onetime mistake on his part, you might want to consider forgiving him.”
“I’ll think about it, Syl. Noah’s at the door. I’ll call you later.”
Before I opened the door, I wiped away the tears and made a poor attempt to look presentable.
“Hi.” Noah spoke while taking in my disheveled appearance.
“Come in.” I stepped aside.
Being a cheap hotel, there was only one chair at the desk. I sat on the bed, as far away from the chair as possible. Noah sat and stared with penitence in his eyes.
“I’m sorry, Marni. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Everything just happened.”
Those three sentences became his apology, his confession, and our end.
I stood up, gave him a hug, and told him good-bye.
Without another word, Noah left.
Chapter 13 Noah (Present)
Can’t Fight This Feeling ~REO Speedwagon
“I have a problem,” I confessed.
Never in a million years did I think I’d ever sit in a bar, spilling my guts to Ben Howard.
Ben watched and waited for the rest of my confession, which didn’t come easily.
“I’m in love with the woman living in your house. No matter how many times I try and forget her, I can’t. Can you help me?” I thought hell would freeze over before I asked this guy for help. Marni had pushed me to the deepest, ugliest place.
“How can I help you?”
“Marni won’t leave Ali. I promised her the world and she refuses to part from your little girl.”
Ben had that subtle, smug look on his face. I felt almost violent when I saw the half grin. “I still don’t understand how I can be of help.”
Asshole! Calming myself, I thought over my plan of attack. First, I tried guilt.
“Don’t you want to see Marni happy? You can’t possibly think she’ll be fine being Ali’s caretaker the rest of her life. Marni needs to get married and have kids of her own. She can’t stay Ali’s nanny until she’s off to college.”
“Very few things in life would make me happier than seeing Marni happy and settled. But, I can’t do anything about her desire to be my daughter’s nanny.”
A deep, frustrated breath escaped me. From the moment I got off the phone with Ben Howard, I knew this would be a losing battle. The vibes that emanated from the guy sitting next to me at the bar told me he didn’t give a shit what I thought, felt, or said.
“If you truly want to see Marni settled, let her go.”
“Can’t do that.” His answer was quick and firm. “It might have been me who initiated her reunion with Ali, but now it’s all Auntie Mar. She doesn’t want to part from her niece.”
“All right. Then how about letting her go on the weekends?” It infuriated me that I had to beg for time with my own girlfriend. I was negotiating time off from my woman’s pimp.
“If I remember correctly, you asked for that and she denied you. Once again, it’s not me holding her back.”
My fist itch
ed to punch this guy. I was damn close to a fistfight. “I’m planning on getting a place near your home, and I plan on spending every weekend with my girlfriend.” This time, it wasn’t a request or a negotiation. I simply let Ben Howard know of my plans so he could figure out his babysitting for the weekends.
Ben answered, “I don’t believe Mar is your girlfriend anymore, but you can do what you like. If you choose to get a house nearby, don’t expect me to throw you a welcome party. I don’t give a shit where you live. And contrary to what’s going on in your head, I am not the one sabotaging your relationship. You broke up with Mar both times. Don’t blame me for hurting a good woman.”
“And you don’t think you hurt Marni? Do you know how broken up she was when you dumped her for her sister? Do you know how hard it was for her to carry your child? Where were you when her stomach was so big she couldn’t tie her shoelaces? Did you know she spotted blood in her first trimester and we drove to the ER at three in the morning? Were you the one holding her hair when she couldn’t keep her head out of the toilet all first trimester? All you and her sister did was take Ali away from her. You don’t know what happened most of the nine months my girlfriend carried your child.” From the frown that shaped Ben’s mouth, I saw that my words finally hit him. “You should be damn grateful I allowed my girlfriend to help you and Melody.”
“I don’t think that was your choice,” he said, but with less conviction.
“Tell me, Ben. Do you have plans to get back together with Marni? Is this like a trial period to see if your daughter will take to her aunt like a mother?”
There was anger in Ben’s eyes. “I don’t need to explain or ask your permission for anything, Noah. My daughter is content and so is her aunt. What I choose to do with our lives is up to me. From what Mar’s told me, you’re not exactly an Eagle Scout, either. Siena?”
This conversation was exhausting. I drew up a white flag and said, “I hurt Marni, too. That was in the past. When Siena and I were together, when we divorced, Marni was never far from my thoughts. It took me a while to get my career and head on straight, but when that chance meeting with Marni came in New York a few years ago, I promised I wouldn’t ever lose her again. A future awaits us. I love her, and I know she loves me. I’m willing to accept your daughter in my life because Marni won’t have me otherwise. Whether or not you like it, I will be a part of this one big happy family. Tonight’s meeting is a fair warning to you.”
I got up, paid the tab, and left.
Now that I explained my intention to Ben, I’d move forward with my plans to set up a home nearby and restart my life with Marni Montgomery.
Chapter 14 Ben (Present)
Where Does My Heart Beat Now ~Celine Dion
“Damn!” I yelled out to no one in particular.
“What’s the matter?” Marni ran into my studio, with Ali in her arms, alarmed.
“Do you have either homework or office work tonight?”
“No. Thanks to this little princess taking an extra-long nap, I’m done for the next few days. Although, that nice, long nap is causing Alice to stay up late.” Mar smacked a loud kiss on Ali’s cheeks that made my girl giggle. “You’re overly happy now which means you’ll be cranky real soon. Let’s get to bed, Ali-girl, before you cry the house down.”
“Since you’re done with Wednesday’s class, you don’t have any more classes to attend, do you?”
“I don’t…” By the wary tone, Mar was catching on to me.
“If I promise to pack up everything but the kitchen sink, can we go somewhere?”
“Right now?” she asked incredulously. “But we just came back from New Orleans.”
“That’s preferable, but I don’t think I can get a flight out tonight unless it’s the red-eye.”
“What? Why? What’s going on?”
Your ex is setting up house this weekend and coming for you. “I just need to get away. There’s a movie producer who wants to meet me. How about a long weekend in New York?”
“What about your class?”
“I only have one class in the morning. I’ll pack tonight and get everything ready before our flight tomorrow. Don’t worry about anything. I’ll take care of it.”
I didn’t give Mar a choice in this matter. Since my meeting with Noah, I couldn’t focus. What made this situation worse was Mar’s confession in New Orleans. She all but told me that she never stopped loving me. This put me in a precarious situation. Though I played it off in New Orleans as if I didn’t understand what she’d explained, I thought about nothing else until Noah’s phone call and meeting.
Conflicting feelings warred in my heart. If Mar did still love me, should I have her stay somewhere else and come here only to help during the days? It wouldn’t be fair for her to think there was a chance with me when I still loved my wife. No way would I ever hurt Marni again.
The best resolution to my problem would be for Mar to think of me as family and for us to continue this living situation. But, it bothered the hell out of me to believe she didn’t love me. Did I or didn’t I want her affection? Why would I want her attention now? Why was I so damn conflicted? Perhaps the ideal scenario would be for Marni to live here on the weekdays and resume her relationship with Noah on weekends. After our trip to New York, I’d make a final decision on where we stood.
“Are you ready?” I asked my princess.
“Dada!” She excitedly squealed when I hopped in the cab.
“If this is your interpretation of getting everything ready for a trip, I think I’ll stay home next time.” Marni was complaining about all the work she had to finish up for me. Contrary to the promise I’d made, I left her to finish packing when I was called into school earlier.
“I promise to make it up to you when we get to New York.”
“Promises, promises.” She had no faith in me. “You promised a fun-filled five days in New Orleans. We ended up staying in the hotel after the first full day.”
I said, “Who knew New Orleans wasn’t the best place for a little girl?”
“Seriously. I can’t get over the thirty-two ounce Hurricanes at ten in the morning.”
“Not to mention the ‘Big Ass Beer.’”
Marni laughed at the memory. “Some of the street shows were interesting, but overall, the city was filled with people looking to partake in the worst kind of debauchery.”
“I promise, New York will be different. You should know. Didn’t you live there for a while?”
Marni nodded without going into any further detail.
We arrived to freezing cold weather but as expected, Marni had prepared everything for my little girl. Rather than lugging everything with us this time, Marni found a service where they rented car seats and strollers by the day. We rented a car seat at LAX and left it at JFK, to be picked back up on our return trip. If that wasn’t brilliant enough, the stroller had been delivered to our hotel before we arrived.
“You’re a genius!” I whispered in Mar’s ears after placing my baby in her comfy seat.
“I figured you wouldn’t do such thorough research, relying on brawn rather than brain.”
“Are you knocking my intelligence, again?” Mar’s nonstop laughter was the answer to my question. “You have my little princess laughing at me, too.” This little girl was Marni’s mime. “Have you noticed how much Ali is looking like you?”
Marni stopped to look at my gorgeous baby. “It’s the hair, Ben. I think she looks a lot like you.”
“You think?” I stared at Ali. “When she was first born, I thought she looked very much like Mel, but as she grows older, I think she looks most like you.”
“Funny you mention—your parents brought over your baby picture a few days ago and you two looked like twins, minus the hair.”
“Yeah?” It brought a smile to my face knowing my daughter took after me.
“Duh!” Marni elbowed me. “Who else would she look like but the daddy who adores her?”
“I do adore you, don’
t I, Baby Girl?” I pulled her up, and her seat became a resting place for all our shopping bags.
Regardless of the frigid weather, we walked to FAO Schwartz and let Ali loose in the store. Like a musician’s daughter, she gravitated toward the musical instruments. Seeing her enjoy the pink mini grand piano, I had to buy her one.
“How the hell are we going to take that back?” Marni protested.
“How can I not buy this for her? She adores it.”
“She also adores the giraffe that’s as tall as I am. You going to buy her that, too?” Marni pointed to Ali’s next object of desire. “You do know you can probably buy that piano on Amazon with free shipping?”
“You’re such a party-pooper, Marni Montgomery. Don’t rain on my parade. There’s nothing like having memories of each trip.”
“I doubt she’ll remember this trip at all, no matter how smart you think she is.”
“Smartass!”
The woman standing next to me, admiring the little girl petting a giraffe’s leg, chuckled.
“Let’s move on before you buy her that beast.” She walked toward Ali and encouraged her to come back to us. “Come here, Baby. Let’s go.” Ali shook her head no. “Ali, your daddy has a fun place he wants to take you to with all these cool instruments.” She stayed put and continued to shake her head.
“Princess,” I called. “Let’s go buy your pink grand piano.” Those were the magic words. She toddled her way to me without giving her aunt a second glance. “Now, who’s the smart one?”
Marni bowed her arms up and down to me.
Our next stop was the Sony Wonder Tech Lab. With such bad weather, there was no line to get into this musical playhouse. Ali was one of the few kids in the lab, and she had free reigns to touch and experiment.