by Cee, DW
She was too young to know what she was doing, but she enjoyed all the sounds each push of a button or instrument made.
“How’d you know about this place?” Marni asked, having a good time herself.
“Some of us use our brains rather than our brawn.” I recanted her words.
“Talk about being a smartass!” was her retort. “Ali-Girl, come with Auntie Mar. Let’s go dance.”
Of course, Ali jumped from my arms to her aunt’s. Without a doubt, Auntie Mar was her favorite person on earth. My sister-in-law knew this fact and exploited it to her benefit. She stuck her tongue out at me and took my daughter over to the dance area where a Sony character mimicked Mar and Ali’s dance moves.
“Ali, you want to go play a PlayStation game with Daddy?”
As if she understood what I was saying, Alice shook her head no.
“Should we go watch a movie while your daddy relives his childhood playing video games?”
My baby giggled and nodded an affirmative to her aunt.
“No fair!” I complained and took Ali away from Mar. I threw her in the air, and even with the giggles and the drools, she wanted her aunt.
“Mama.” We both froze to that word as Ali reached out for Mar.
It was one thing for Ali to call out the “mamamamama” sound, but it was a completely different feeling to see her calling her aunt, “Mama.”
I didn’t like it.
Marni was not her mother, she would never be her mother, and I didn’t like Ali growing up believing her aunt was her mother.
Marni sensed my anger. “She’s only calling my name, Ben. ‘Mama’ is close to Marni, that’s all. I show her pictures of Melody all the time. When she’s older, she’ll understand.”
That didn’t make me feel any better. Taking a hold of a complaining Ali, I left the studio.
My sister-in-law and I walked in silence while Ali kept asking to be in “Mama’s” arms. Ignoring my daughter, I took her to the American Girl Store, hoping to take her mind off her aunt. Marni understood my uncalled-for resentment and stayed far behind us.
While I felt like a dick for treating Marni like hired help, I couldn’t help resenting her for taking Mel’s place. My late wife had tried so hard to conceive a child. It was unfair that life would take her from her baby after only having loved Ali a few months. Ali should be calling Melody her mama, not Marni.
I was stewing in anger when I felt Marni zoom by me to pick up a crying Ali. I was so caught up in my own emotions; I stopped paying attention to my roaming daughter. She had bumped her head on the end of a display case.
“Mama!” Ali wailed.
“You’re all right,” Marni cooed and picked up my daughter.
I rushed over and pulled Ali from Marni’s arms and the crying escalated. No matter how I tried to soothe Ali, she twisted and lunged for the woman she continued to call, “Mama.” Having no choice in the matter, I handed Ali to the person she wanted most—Mama.
“Let’s go back to the hotel and take a nap, Ali-Girl. You’re tired.”
Ali nodded her head and before we reached the hotel, she fell asleep in Marni’s arms. I knew from experience it wasn’t easy walking with a sleeping baby, but Marni did it with no complaints.
When we arrived at our two-bedroom suite, Marni carefully undressed Ali, placed her in the crib, and rolled the crib into my room.
I didn’t hear from Marni again until Ali woke up and searched for “Mama.”
Chapter 14 Marni (Present)
Where Does My Heart Beat Now ~Celine Dion
“Damn!” I whispered, walking into the bathroom.
Using the shower as a buffer, I cried and cried. At first, I cried because of the joy I felt when Ali called me “Mama.” That baby sleeping in the other room was my heart, my love, my everything. I would do everything in my power to make sure she grew up in a safe and loving environment.
She belonged to Ben and Melody, but I loved her like a daughter. No matter the situation, babies had a way of crawling into your heart and eating up all the real estate until you realize you’re completely full of love. Contrary to what anyone might have thought, it was never my plan to take Melody’s place. I only wanted to love Alice Howard. Today, she rewarded me and returned my affection.
Once I cried over the joy, I cried over all the sadness in my life. How was it that I could be so complete with Ali, and yet so empty with every other aspect of my life?
It scared me that my security with Ali was tenuous and temporary. After watching Ben’s angry reaction earlier, I understood Ben would cut me off without a care. Today brought back memories of the old Ben. When I no longer suited his needs, he moved on and never looked back. I caught a glimpse of the past in my future.
What made my situation worse was my admission in New Orleans. A few words short of a full confession, I revealed where my heart had always been concerning Ben Howard—that same damn place.
How could anyone understand that I had no desire to usurp my sister’s role as Ben’s wife, when my heart never completely stopped loving Ben? How did I reconcile the years I spent loving Noah, when Ben was always a silent part in our relationship? Was I kidding myself when I believed I didn’t want Ben? All I wanted was to help Ali. Ben, being Ali’s father, was not a factor in why I chose to move my life back to the beach. I was confused with myself, heartbroken with Ben, but giddy with Ali. Her calling me “Mama” erased Ben’s hurtful reaction.
My heart also ached from the way Noah and I ended. I loved him, but apparently not enough. At the end of my life, I may regret having chosen Alice over Noah, but for now, this was how I wanted to live my life.
There had been several disappointments in my life. The first was when my Mom and Dad told me about their divorce. If that wasn’t hard enough on a little girl, it was devastating to know my dad belonged to some other woman and their little girl.
The next disappointment came when Ben never reached out after I ended our relationship. So many times I believed he’d come back to me and at least resume our friendship. We’d been best friends since birth. We’d been in love since high school. Even though he asked to remain friends when he saw me in Rome, he never extended that offer any further. Our friendship dissolved the second we broke up, not to be picked up again until recently.
Noah handed me my share of bitter disappointments, too. After all his grand talks of wanting a relationship with me, he left me for the comforts of a former flame. Having seen my dad leave my mom for another woman, having Ben leave me for Melody, my heart was irreparable for years after Noah and I ended.
But the biggest disappointment of all was when my sister asked me to leave the baby I’d carried for nine months. I understood her insecurities, but I was devastated by her demand. I cried all the way back to San Diego and couldn’t see her again until I received the call that she was ill.
Ben, Noah, my living situation, my future—nothing made any sense except for Ali. No matter what, Alice was the best thing I’d ever done in my life.
There was a soft knock on my door when I came out of the bathroom.
“Is it Ali? Is she all right?”
Ben looked me over. He knew I had cried; there was no hiding the puffy, red eyes. “Ali’s fine.”
“OK.” I stood there staring back.
He handed me my purse and said, “Your phone keeps ringing. I thought it might be urgent.”
The phone rang again. “Hello?” I picked up.
“Marni,” spoke a voice who sounded relieved to hear from me. “Hi. Thank you for answering the phone. I’m glad to hear your voice.”
When I heard his welcome, I felt the need to cry again. After the way Ben attempted to shun me out of his and his daughter’s life today, I needed this badly—to feel wanted and maybe even loved.
“Hi Noah. I’m happy to hear from you, too.”
“Where are you? I’m in front of Ben’s house and you’re not here.”
“We’re all in New York.”
“New York?”
Ben stood by the door, watching me.
“Yeah. Ben had a meeting so Ali and I tagged along.”
“Are you staying in Manhattan, anywhere near Mom’s by chance?”
“We are.” We were actually very close to Cece’s house.
“I am hopping on the next flight to New York and heading straight for Mom’s. You will carve out some time to meet me tomorrow?”
“Sure.” I answered wanting to see him.
“I’ll call you first thing in the morning.”
“OK.”
“I’ve missed you, Marni.”
“Me too, Noah.”
I tried to keep my emotions as even-keeled as possible. Getting my hopes up was detrimental most of the times.
“Thank you,” I said to Ben, who was still standing under the doorframe with a mouth full of unspoken words. I knew that look. He had done something wrong, but didn’t know how to start the apology.
Usually, I’d start the apology for him or let it go even before he felt bad about the situation. Today’s offense was different. I didn’t want to forgive and forget readily.
I walked back into the bathroom and stayed there until I heard my door shut.
Though I didn’t know what would become of us, today changed our relationship for good. For better or worse, Ben and Marni would never be the same.
Chapter 14 Noah (Present)
Where Does My Heart Beat Now ~Celine Dion
“Damn! Damn that Ben Howard!” I cursed leaving his doorstep.
Knowing I was coming, he had purposely taken Marni away from me. I was the idiot for warning him. Touché, Ben. Touché. He’d never played fair. I didn’t know why I expected him to start now.
Without a second thought, I drove to LAX and hopped on the next flight to New York. I figured Mom wouldn’t mind seeing me again. All the more, she’d encourage me to chase after Marni and make her mine.
“Oh my gosh!” Mom squealed when she saw me walking into the kitchen. “What the hell, Noah Bergstrom? When did you get here and how did I not know?”
“Sorry for scaring you, Mom.” I kissed her cheek. “I got in very late last night and didn’t think you wanted to be woken up.”
“What brings you here?”
“Before I answer, where’s Carson?”
“He’s on a business trip. He’ll be home tonight.”
“Have you talked to Dad lately?”
“I saw him last night. He’s in New York right now.”
“Perfect. Marni and I can have dinner with the three of you. Is tonight good?”
Mom looked up from her cup of coffee. “Marni? What am I missing? Are you back together?”
“Not yet, but after this morning, we should be.”
“OK…shouldn’t you be in LA, then?”
“Long story, but she’s here, somewhere nearby. We’re supposed to meet at the Children’s Museum.”
“If she’s nearby, why don’t you go pick her up? It’s cold outside. You can take my car.”
“She’s already there. Her brother-in-law dropped her and Ali off. I’m late. I gotta go.” I ran out.
“Call me when you’re done. I’ll meet you for lunch. I’d love to meet this Ali.”
“Only if all goes well.”
This time, I was determined to make sure all went well.
“Hi.” I whispered, then lightly kissed the woman who was twirling the little redhead in her arms.
She smiled and waved both their hands. “We’re almost done. Give me us a few minutes to wrap up.”
I nodded and sat in a chair while Marni and Ali finished up their music class. Before today, I never thought about where kids might fit into my life. But watching Marni enjoy herself with Ben’s little girl, I couldn’t help wonder what our kids might look like. For the first time, I wanted children, and I wanted Marni to be the mother of our children. She was in her element; she looked beautiful.
“Hello Ali. Aren’t you a pretty little girl?” My attempt to ingratiate myself wasn’t working. Ali shook her head furiously. “I don’t think she likes me.” I told a laughing Marni.
“She’s hungry. We started at the park before arriving here.”
“You’ve had a full day, haven’t you?”
Ali glared at me. This must have been a one-year-old’s way of saying, “Get lost, Mister.”
“You want lunch, Ali-Girl?”
Her face went from frigid to friendly in a matter of seconds. She bobbed up and down and hugged her aunt.
“The time change is doing a number on this little one. You know of a good café around here or shall we eat pb&j in the museum cafeteria?”
I called Mom and without fail, she had a lunch place for us. She also asked to speak with Marni and by the “yes,” “of course,” and “you’re not intruding,” I knew Mom would make us a foursome.
“She can’t help herself,” I apologized.
“I haven’t seen Cece in years. I’d love to catch up with her.”
“Before Mom interrupts, can I tell you why I was at Ben’s house yesterday?”
Marni bundled up Ali and placed her in a stroller. With a plush blanket on her body, Cheerios, and milk on her tray, this little girl was happy to be noshing her way to lunch.
“OK. Ali’s content. I can talk now.”
Before she could protest, I brought her into my body and wrapped my arms around her. She didn’t protest. In fact, she reciprocated whole-heartedly.
“I miss you, Marni.”
“I miss you, too.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked when I saw tears in her eyes.
“It feels nice to be missed,” was all she’d divulge.
“Are you sure? You seem down. Is everything all right with you and Ben?”
“We’re all fine. It’s just nice to be held, to be wanted.”
Whatever worries I may have had about Marni reuniting with her ex disappeared with the wind. Marni had missed me as I had missed her.
“I’m thinking of renting a small apartment near Ben’s house so I can come up on the weekends to be with you.”
“OK.” She neither asked questions nor protested.
“OK?” I let go of Marni and held her hand while pushing Ali’s stroller. “You’re not going to demand an apology for my atrocious behavior? I don’t have to grovel, beg, and plead, for you to come back to me? I don’t have to explain why we should be a couple again? How much we mean to one another? That I’ll try and love Ali like a niece? What happened? Why the change?”
“Do you still love me?” was the simple question she asked.
“Yes,” I answered just as easily.
“That’s all I need to know. I love you, too. It’ll be nice to be with you again.”
I couldn’t believe how easy this was. What had happened to Marni? On her face was a smile, but in her eyes, I saw a wounded, defeated woman. Her quiescent agreement worried me.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” I asked again.
“I’m fine. Even before your call yesterday, I was thinking about how we ended. It hurt to think about us because I still love you. I know Ali needs caring, but I decided last night that I do too. We’ll figure out a way to make it all work, Noah. I’m sorry for making you go through all this trouble for me.” I was pissed with the way Marni sounded; she was starved for affection. As much as I wanted to ask her how Ben had hurt her, I let it go and we walked hand-in-hand to lunch.
“Noah. Marni.” Mom stood up and called. “Oh darling! Who is this beautiful girl? You must be Ali!” Never in a million years would I have thought Cecily Hanover, the posh Upper West Side housewife, had a grandmotherly side to her. “May I pick her up?”
“She bites, Mother,” I warned.
Mom picked up Ali and the two became fast friends. Ali had no trouble cozying up and wrapping my mother around her teeny tiny finger.
“Watching you with a redhead reminds me of our son when he was about that age.”
“Dad.” Marni
and I stood up to greet him. “I didn’t realize you were joining us.”
“Hello Admiral.”
Dad gave Marni a loving hug. “Don’t you dare ‘Admiral’ me, Marni Montgomery. I should be Dad to you by now.”
Marni gave him a genuine smile. I loved watching her interact with my family.
“All we need is Carson to make us one big happy family. When exactly is he due back?”
“He surprised me and arrived right after you left. He’s resting, but asked you both to join us for dinner.”
“I suppose my name wasn’t included?” Dad asked with skepticism.
“In the words of Carson Hanover, ‘and if that ex of yours must join us, tell him not to come in all his pomp and circumstance. It’s a circus whenever we’re together with him.’” Mom did a dead-on impersonation of her husband.
Carson was correct. Wherever Dad went, people followed. It didn’t help that he rarely dressed down.
“Look, Elijah. Ali wants to go to you.”
We all saw Ali motioning for the Admiral to pick her up.
“What’s the deal, Ali? You don’t like me but you like my parents?” Ali gave me her “get lost” look again.
Dad looked beyond awkward holding a baby. He had no clue what to do with her.
“Have her sit on your lap,” Mom adjusted his arms to make sure Ali was seated and safe.
“I see why she wanted to hang with you, Dad.” Ali wasted no time pulling on all of the bells and whistles on Dad’s uniform. “She’s attracted to the flash, Father.”
“You look good with a baby in your arms, Elijah. I think it’s time for us to have grandchildren. What do you think?”
Dad was smitten with the little redhead who played with his lifetime accomplishments as if they were musical instruments. “I think it’s up to Noah and Marni. If they wish to provide us with a boatload of children, I might be willing to retire so I can babysit.”
“You wouldn’t retire for me and your son, but you’ll do it for your grandchildren?” Mom could not believe her ears!