Kill Joy

by Holly Jackson

  She blinked again and the shape grew arms and legs. A person standing there just outside the window.

  It was Ant.

  A sheepish look on his face above his stupid wonky moustache, as he searched over his shoulder for the motion-sensor floodlight he must have tripped.

  ‘For fuck’s sake.’ Jamie sounded annoyed, whacking his booklet against the table and turning to his brother.

  Connor exhaled. ‘I’m sorry. He’s always like this, pulling pranks.’

  ‘Well, can he do it on his own time?’ Jamie said. ‘Now we might not have time to finish before everyone gets picked up.’

  ‘Yeah, sorry, Jamie. Sorry, I know you’ve put a lot of effort into tonight.’ Connor turned to the window and shouted, ‘Ant, come back inside! You fucking loon,’ he added under his breath as Ant stepped away from the window towards the door to the kitchen where he must have snuck out.

  ‘Soooo not funny,’ Lauren said, righting her chair and sitting back down.

  ‘Hey, guys,’ Ant said breathlessly as he re-entered the dining room. ‘Oh god, that was so funny; you should have seen your faces. Lauren, you looked like you shit yourself.’

  ‘Fuck off,’ she said, but her face had already cracked into a smile. Way to hold out.

  ‘And, Pip –’ Ant turned to her – ‘you kept looking, like, directly at me. I thought you could see me.’

  ‘Hmm,’ was all the reply she gave, scolding her heart, trying to force it back down.

  ‘Well,’ said Zach, ‘at least it was just a prank and Ant hasn’t been brutally murdered by an intruder.’

  Always the peacemaker, Zach. Though Pip wasn’t sure she entirely agreed with him right now.

  ‘Anyway,’ Jamie said, raising his voice, ‘we need to get on or we will never bring this murderer to justice. If Bobby Remy has stopped dicking around, let’s continue.’ He opened his master booklet and scanned his eyes across it. ‘Right, OK. So now that you’ve all learned your own greatest secrets, the ones you must protect at all costs, it’s time to spill some other secrets you might know about your fellow suspects. Everyone please, sit down and turn to the next page in your booklet.’

  What? Pip read that last point again. Why would she leave evidence just lying around? What kind of dumbass spy was Celia Bourne? Pip would never be so stupid. And now she had to go and fix it before she got caught.

  The cupboard in the hallway, that was the billiard room. How would Pip leave the dining room without raising the others’ suspicions, though? Especially after the stunt Ant just pulled.

  ‘Well –’ Connor spoke as Humphrey the butler – ‘if we are talking about secrets, I suppose I might know one. A particularly juicy one.’

  ‘Do spill, old Hump,’ said Cara.

  ‘I don’t mean to be improper –’ Connor bowed his head – ‘and I certainly wasn’t spying.’

  Pip flinched, and she didn’t really have to act it, surprised the word had come up so soon. Her wrist knocked into her glass, but she caught it before it toppled, catching Connor’s eye. ‘Sorry,’ she whispered.

  ‘It was yesterday, late afternoon, and as I was walking through the house, doing my butlering duties, I heard … Well, from one of the bedrooms upstairs I heard a man and a woman, um … Well, I believe I heard relations going on.’

  Ant snorted.

  ‘Well, we do have a married couple staying here. Ralph and Lizzie.’ Pip gestured to Zach and Lauren across the table.

  ‘Yes, very good, ma’am.’ Connor bowed again. ‘Except I was making my way towards the lounge when I heard these … relations … and young master Ralph was in the lounge at the time, playing chess with his father.’

  Cara supplied the gasp again, pointing at Lauren.

  ‘Why are you pointing at me?’ Lauren looked aghast. ‘It could have been any one of us.’

  ‘Very unlikely to be me as I’m a lowly cook and one hundred years old,’ Cara replied.

  ‘Well, it could have been Pip – Celia, I mean.’

  ‘Hmm, no it couldn’t,’ Pip thought aloud. ‘If Humphrey the butler, Ralph Remy and Reginald Remy were all downstairs at the time, there’s only one man it could have been: Bobby.’

  They all turned to Ant, who attempted to keep a straight face, stroking his moustache thoughtfully.

  ‘Yeah, so maybe it was Pip and Ant!’ Lauren said, louder than needed.

  ‘Bobby Remy is my cousin,’ Pip reminded her.

  ‘W-well, s-s-so,’ Lauren spluttered. ‘Incest is a thing.’

  ‘I think thou doth protest too much, Lizzie dear,’ Pip said, clicking her pen in a way she hoped was annoying. ‘It’s pretty clear who those relations were between. Nice to see you’re so close to your brother-in-law. Oh –’ she turned to Zach – ‘sorry, Ralph. Must be hard for you to hear.’

  Zach smiled. ‘I’m devastated.’

  ‘Well, I fiercely deny it,’ Lauren said, looking embarrassed, shuffling her chair further away from Ant. Art imitating life, Pip thought. ‘The butler must be mistaken. He is old; we can’t trust his hearing. And why are we all turning on each other? It’s ridiculous.’

  ‘All right, communist,’ Pip said.

  It didn’t quite work there, but where else was she going to fit it in?

  ‘You know what, fine,’ Lauren spat, crossing her arms. ‘Fuck you, butler –’

  ‘My name’s Humphrey,’ Connor interrupted, tapping his name badge.

  ‘Whatever you’re called,’ she said. ‘Because I know you happen to be keeping secrets yourself. I’ve seen you twice this weekend taking a piece of paper out of your pocket and staring at it. I even caught you crying one time. What is it? What is this secret note that you’re carrying around, eh?’

  ‘I don’t know what note you are talking about, madam,’ Connor said.

  ‘Oh, do you mean this note?’ Jamie was on his feet, standing behind his brother’s chair. He leaned over him and snaked his hand down the inside of Connor’s dinner jacket, pulling out a folded piece of paper from his inside pocket.

  ‘Jamie, what?!’ Connor said, beaming up at his brother in disbelief. ‘When the hell did you sneak that in there?’

  ‘I have my ways,’ Jamie smiled, brandishing the folded note. Pip could see the words Clue #3 printed on the back. ‘Well, well, well,’ he said, opening it. ‘Thanks to your sharp eyes, Lizzie.’ He feigned reading it. ‘Interesting. Here, pass this round.’ Jamie handed the note to Pip first, Connor leaning in to read it over her shoulder.

  ‘Strange,’ Jamie commented, as Pip passed the clue to Cara. ‘It looks to be a page ripped from one of the medical books from Reginald’s library.’

  ‘Smallpox,’ Zach read aloud when the page was passed to him.

  ‘It was eradicated by the nineteen eighties,’ Pip said.

  ‘Oi, no time travel.’ Jamie whacked her on the head with his master booklet.

  ‘Why do you have this in your pocket?’ Lauren asked Connor as the paper made its way into her hands. ‘And why do you keep looking at it?’

  ‘No reason,’ Connor said, his already pink cheeks flushing a darker shade. ‘I am just interested in the topic, that’s all. I sometimes like to read to pass the time, though the master never approved of that, called it “idleness”. That’s why I hide it.’

  ‘Sounds very un-legit to me,’ Cara said.

  Connor opened his mouth to say more, but then he forced it shut and shrugged instead; clearly he had nothing else to offer on the matter. Maybe now was a good time for Pip to sneak off to the billiard room to find and hide the incriminating evidence. She put down her pen and was just about to speak when Ant cut across her. Damn, missed her chance.

  ‘You know what,’ he said as Bobby, a wagging finger accompanying his words. ‘I’ve been thinking this all weekend, and now, sitting across from you, I’m almost sure.’ He turned to stare at Cara. ‘I recognize you from somewhere, Dora Key. I’m certain this isn’t the first time we’ve met.’

  ‘Oh, don’t tell me we’ve shagg
ed too,’ she quipped, pretending to scour her booklet for the offending line.

  ‘No, but I’ve definitely seen you somewhere … somewhere.’ He pretended to search his memory, fingering the sides of his moustache like a caricature. And then it clicked, and his face changed.

  ‘Remembered, have you?’ Cara said. ‘I recognize you too, from somewhere. Pretty foolish of you to bring it up, Bobby. Doesn’t look great for either of us.’

  ‘I know,’ Ant said. ‘But my booklet told me to.’

  ‘Ah, that sucks. Maybe we can just keep this mutually damaging secret between us?’

  ‘Nope, not allowed,’ Jamie intervened with a small chuckle. ‘Spill. Now.’

  ‘OK, fine.’ Ant held up his hands. ‘I recognize you from the Garza Casino in London. I’ve seen you there a few times, hanging around with the Garza family. I know it’s you. I recognize the, um … deep, deep face-painted lines on your face.’

  ‘Ah, thank you. My best feature,’ Cara replied.

  ‘Wait,’ Lauren said. ‘Why would a lowly cook be hanging around in a high-end casino?’

  A good question for once. Pip and her pen waited.

  ‘Judgemental,’ said Cara. ‘Poor people like to gamble too. And this was all before I was employed by Reginald Remy and moved here, so I don’t see how it’s any of your business. And anyway, why are you focusing on me? Bobby was also there. And, what’s more –’ Cara leaned forward – ‘I’ve seen him there multiple times, hanging around with a known gang. And once I even saw him selling small packets of white powder to casino-goers.’

  ‘Sounds like cocaine,’ Jamie said, knocking his police helmet.

  ‘Wait,’ Zach waded in now, turning to speak to Ant. ‘Bobby, you’ve been going to the Garza Casino, our rivals? Our enemies?’

  ‘Well, it’s not like I can walk into any Remy Casino in the country, can I? I was permanently banned.’

  ‘So you’ve been gambling again?’ Zach looked genuinely betrayed. ‘You never gave it up, even though you promised Father and the rest of us years ago that you would never do it again?’

  ‘Guilty,’ Ant said, pressing one hand to his pinstriped chest.

  ‘Father promised to cut you off if you ever gambled again. Did he find out?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Did Mother? She was friendly with Mr Garza’s wife before her death. Maybe Mrs Garza told her.’

  ‘Nope,’ Ant said again.

  Zach’s face furrowed, a shadow falling across his eyes. Ralph didn’t believe his brother, Pip could tell.

  ‘And you were dealing cocaine?’ Pip zeroed in on Ant.

  ‘What, you believe the word of a cook? Come on, cousin, I know we all love to hate on Bobby, but Dora is clearly just trying to deflect from why she was there. Which is very suspicious in itself.’

  Well, he wasn’t wrong there either. Why had Dora Key been seen frequenting a high-end casino, hanging around with the Remys’ main business rivals?

  There was a lull, a natural dip in the confrontation, and if Pip didn’t go now, she might not get another chance.

  ‘Hey, can we pause for a second?’ she said, closing her notebook so the others couldn’t peek at her growing number of theories. ‘I need to pee.’

  Jamie nodded. ‘Yep, sure.’

  ‘Where’re you going?’ Cara demanded, standing up too.

  ‘I just said.’ Pip turned back at the threshold. ‘To pee. And I won’t pull a disappearing act like Ant, don’t worry.’

  ‘Can I come with you?’ Cara said, drawing forward.

  ‘No.’ Pip’s heart picked up against her ribs. Cara was going to ruin everything. She had to get to that evidence now. ‘I’m just going to the toilet, you weirdo,’ she said, her palms starting to sweat, hoping that was enough to keep Cara at bay. She hated lying, especially to Cara, who was more of a sister than a friend.

  But it worked. Cara relented, and Pip strolled out of the dining room, alone, down the hallway. She opened the door to the downstairs toilet and closed it loudly, so the others would hear, even over the music. But Pip wasn’t inside. She carried on down the hall, pressing her feet as quietly as she could into the carpet.

  She drew to a stop outside the cupboard and the gently swaying sign that read Billiard Room.

  Pip reached for the handle, noticing a tremor in her fingers. Why was she nervous? This wasn’t even real, none of it. But it didn’t feel that way, and she felt different too, somehow. More alive, more aware, her skin thrumming and electric. She pulled the cupboard open and there on the floor, before a rack of shoes, was something that hadn’t been there before: a folded piece of paper with the words Clue #4.

  She bent down and stretched out her hand to take the clue.

  But she never made it.

  Her fingers only skimmed it before someone grabbed her from behind.

  Nine

  Unseen hands on her shoulders. Fingers digging in, pulling her away.

  Pip overbalanced and fell, landing on her back. And, finally, she could see who it was that grabbed her.

  ‘Cara, what the hell are you doing?’ she said, scrambling up.

  But it was too late.

  Cara had swooped in, head inside the cupboard, her fingers closing round the paper. She turned back, holding up the clue, a wide grin on her face.

  ‘I knew you were sneaking off to do something naughty,’ she said, poking Pip in the ribs with her other hand.

  ‘How on earth did you know?’

  ‘Well, my booklet told me you were,’ Cara said. ‘Told me you were going to sneak off and that I had to catch you and find some evidence before you destroyed it.’

  ‘Urgh.’ Pip pushed up to her feet, disentangling her arms from the feather boa. Bloody game, setting her up to fail like that. ‘Well, at least now we know you don’t just want to watch me pee.’

  ‘Not my thing, sorry,’ Cara said. ‘Here you go.’ She outstretched her hand, offering the clue back to Pip.

  Pip reached for it. Just within her grasp. And then Cara whipped it away again, hiding it behind her back.

  ‘LOL, joke,’ she giggled, backing away towards the dining room.

  Pip took her revenge, prodding Cara in the armpit.

  ‘Ouch, that was my boob!’ Cara butt-shoved Pip into the wall.

  ‘What’s going on out there?!’ Ant’s voice called. ‘Is it a girl fight?’

  Cara broke free from Pip and ran back to the dining room, holding the clue in the air. ‘Pi— Sorry, Celia was trying to hide this!’ she announced to them all, Pip traipsing in behind her.

  ‘Only because the game told me to,’ Pip said defensively, retaking her seat and crossing her arms.

  ‘Ah, not such a good girl, are we?’ Ant teased her.

  ‘What is it, Dora?’ Jamie asked. ‘Open it and pass it round the table.’

  ‘What is it?’ Zach asked.

  ‘It’s a cheque book, belonging to Reginald Remy,’ Cara said. ‘And the most recent stub shows a payment to someone called Harris Pick. Old Reggie paid him one hundred and fifty K at the end of July.’

  Ant whistled, impressed by the figure.

  ‘Wait a minute,’ Zach said, his voice unnaturally level as he read directly from his booklet. ‘I recognize that name. He and my father served in the First Boer War together. Father always said that Harris saved his life.’

  It was also the name of the communist agitator that the government suspected Reginald Remy of funding. And here was Celia’s proof: one hundred and fifty thousand pounds. That was a lot of money; must be millions by today’s terms.

  ‘Yes, well –’ Cara shot a scathing look at Pip, a smile hiding underneath – ‘I saw Celia coming out of Reginald’s study at about five this evening, holding the cheque book in her hands. She was the one who broke into the safe and stole this!’

  ‘Celia?’ There was a troubled look in Zach’s eyes.

  ‘Yes, OK,’ Pip sighed. ‘I did. It was me who broke into the safe. But it’s not how it looks. I was just lo
oking for this photograph Reginald had of my mother. I didn’t see it anywhere in the house so I thought he must keep in it his safe. I just wanted to see if I look like her now.’

  ‘Oh, boohoo, spare us the sob story,’ Ant said. ‘If that’s the case, why did you steal the cheque book?’

  ‘Well, when I opened it, there was nothing in there except that.’ Pip pointed to the paper in Cara’s hands. ‘And, I guess, I wanted to know how much money my uncle sends to his children, and their plus ones.’ She glared at Lauren. ‘I’ve always been bitter about that. I was an orphan and he could have helped me, but he always chose not to.’

  ‘Interesting,’ Jamie said, the inspector stepping in. ‘So, Celia, we can now place you at the murder scene, only fifteen minutes before it potentially happened.’

  It wasn’t looking good for her.

  ‘Yes, but,’ Pip protested, ‘Dora just said she saw me coming out of the study at five, which means I left the scene well before the time of the murder. And why was she up there? You made this whole deal about you going to the vegetable patch at that time. So, you must be lying too.’

  ‘Yes, thank you.’ Zach excitedly slapped the table. ‘Dora, you weren’t even there to not see me on my walk and throw doubt on my alibi.’

  ‘And why were you heading towards Reginald’s study?’ Pip turned on her.

  ‘You know what, I said it to Ralph and I’ll say it again,’ Lauren said. ‘I don’t like that cook, she’s always in places she shouldn’t be. It’s like she’s spying on us.’

  Pip didn’t realize at first, flinching at the word a half-second too late. She looked up and again caught Connor’s eye; he’d been watching her.

  ‘Looking a little twitchy there, Celia,’ he remarked.

  ‘Right.’ Jamie clapped his hands. ‘We are getting very close to the truth; soon we will uncover who among you is the murderer. But first I think the killer needs to admit it to themselves. So, if you look under your plates – wait, Connor, let me explain first – you will find an envelope with your name on it. Inside will be a piece of paper that will tell you if you are the killer or not. But –’ he raised a finger to underline the point – ‘you must keep a poker face. Don’t give anything away, whether you’re the murderer or not.’ He eyeballed them all to make sure they understood, his gaze lingering longest on Ant. ‘OK, go.’