Rare Pets and Other Oddities

by Dave Leys

carcinophaga.’

  ‘Ah,’ said Professor Phillips. He glared at Cody. ‘It doesn’t actually eat crabs, you know. Just a myth. Prefers krill, or perhaps a small fish or squid.’ He stamped his feet in anger while Professor Jenkins clenched his fists.

  The seal, however, couldn’t have been happier now that it had been freed from the netting, and with another husky bark it rolled off into the water and swam away, pausing only to flip its tail goodbye to Cody.

  The rest of the day seemed to last forever – more trudging, more wind, and now snow as well – and the two professors wouldn’t look at each other or at Cody.

  That night Cody tried to cheer them up by heating a tin of chocolate pudding over a gas stove. He even found some sugar at the bottom of one of the backpacks and sprinkled it over the top.

  ‘Never mind,’ he said. ‘Maybe you just have to be patient.’

  But patience was not something the professors had a lot of respect for. Professor Phillips, his mouth full of pudding, mumbled something to Professor Jenkins, who grimaced, and silence descended over the tent. Then all of a sudden Professor Phillips’ eyes changed as if a fire had been lit in them, and he leaned close to Professor Jenkins, clutched his arm, and began to whisper frantically to him. At first Professor Jenkins looked bored, but then his eyes changed too, and both of them continued to whisper to each other. Cody felt a little put out that he wasn’t included in the conversation, but assumed it was scientific and he wouldn’t understand it anyway, so he left the tent to make sure it was battened down properly, hooking each of the corners securely into the ice. From inside the tent the whispering continued, growing faster and faster, and then there was even laughter and clapping.

  ‘Excellent,’ thought Cody. ‘It looks like they’ve cheered up.’ As he entered the tent the two of them were grinning to themselves with chocolate pudding smeared across their lips.

  ‘Cody,’ said Professor Phillips, ‘we have an idea.’ He was so excited he began to stand up, but discovered the tent was too small to allow it, so had to sit down again.

  ‘Yes,’ said Professor Jenkins, ‘and we need your help.’

  Cody sat down, happy to be able to assist them, but when they told him the plan, and what he would have to do, it just didn’t seem right to him. In fact it seemed morally wrong. When he started to protest, they grew red in the face and insisted that he was there to assist them; that they were the scientists, and he was just a technician, and he had better just be quiet and follow instructions. Cody sighed, agreed, and tried to go to sleep as the two professors rambled on about how they were going to be famous.

  The next morning they put the plan into action. The first thing they had to do was find another animal. This didn’t turn out to be too difficult – Cody set some tasty fish by the edge of the sea and waited. Within an hour, an enormous white bird with black-tipped wings floated down onto the ice shelf, and the two professors grabbed it and held it tight.

  ‘The Wandering Albatross,’ said Professor Phillips, beaming, ‘Diomeda exulans!’

  ‘Okay, Cody,’ said Professor Jenkins. ‘You know what you have to do.’

  Cody shook his head but they stared at him angrily, so with a slow sigh he began to streak silver and gold paint onto its wings. The albatross didn’t seem to mind, merely shaking its tail noiselessly. Then Cody took a series of small black spikes, which he had made from softened pieces of plastic, and glued them in a line along the top of the bird’s hooked bill. Again, the albatross seemed content to let him work on it, squawking and rolling its eyes. Cody stepped back. What was once the Wandering Albatross now looked like a very different bird. As it moved its body its wings sparkled with brilliant colour, and as it bowed its head to eat, its bill dipped menacingly.

  ‘Excellent!’ cried Professor Jenkins. ‘If we can’t find a new species in Antarctica, then we can make one.’

  Professor Phillips jumped up and down in excitement. ‘No one will know the difference. New Scientist magazine, here we come!’

  They knelt either side of the bizarre new creature and demanded Cody take photo after photo of the odd trio. The professors bared their teeth in wide smiles, while the transformed bird stamped softly with its feet.

  That afternoon they set sail for home. Cody was put in charge of feeding and looking after the bird while the professors worked each other into a frenzy talking about how famous they were about to become. On the long voyage Cody became good friends with the creature and nicknamed it Sammy. By the time they reached land the professors had already arranged a television interview for the next day. Apparently a new species was big news back home.

  So Cody, Professor Jenkins, Professor Phillips and Sammy found themselves in a television studio in front of five cameras being beamed into homes throughout the country. Well, that is, the professors were in front of the cameras, while Cody and Sammy stood off to the side.

  ‘Tell me,’ asked Mary Moss, the host of ABC News, ‘how did you find this creature?’

  Professor Jenkins smiled. ‘Hard work, Mary – sheer determination on our part. Professor Phillips and I, that is.’

  Professor Phillips laughed and leant forward. ‘We think the Precious Spike-Billed Albatross is going to be the most important scientific discovery this century.’

  Professor Jenkins grinned. ‘Not this century, this millennium. Its scientific name is Diomeda Fictus.’

  Professor Phillips was about to talk some more when Mary interrupted. ‘Could we see it, please? What do you say, audience?’ The audience went wild, stamping, shouting and clapping. It wasn’t every day a new species was found.

  The professors beckoned and Cody led Sammy out onto the studio set. There were gasps from the audience as the bird shook its body and flapped its enormous wings. It raised its spiked bill to the applause as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Cody sighed. He didn’t feel right about this.

  Then he noticed how hot it was in the studio. There were enormous lights shining all around them. He wiped some sweat from his forehead and watched as the professors started to talk about themselves and how important they were. Then he looked at Sammy and noticed the black spikes on its bill were starting to bend right round, and one was hanging off. The lights! They were so hot they were melting the glue. He moved to try to straighten them but it was too late, a cameraman had noticed the movement and swung his camera right onto them. Sammy squawked at the camera, squawked again, and all of the spikes fell off onto the floor. The audience gasped again, only there was an angry tone to it this time, and Mary Moss stood up and pointed a finger at the two professors.

  ‘It’s a fake!’ she cried. ‘That’s not a new species at all. It’s a regular albatross!’

  Professor Jenkins and Professor Phillips seemed to sink into their chairs, but then suddenly they leapt up and pointed at Cody.

  ‘It was him!’ cried Professor Phillips. ‘He must have set this up while we weren’t looking.’

  Professor Jenkins stretched himself out and up, looking down his nose at Cody. ‘What an imposter,’ he said, ‘fooling us like that. He must have done the whole thing to become famous.’

  Cody was too shocked to say anything. He knelt down next to Sammy and shook his head. Sammy advanced upon the professors snapping his bill and stamping his feet in an angry fashion. There was chaos on the set. Someone yelled ‘Cut!’ and the cameras and lights were turned off.

  Cody, highly embarrassed, caught a taxi home with Sammy, feeling awful. How could the professors have turned on him like that? Sammy cheered him up, however, by nuzzling him with his long hook bill until Cody laughed.

  The next morning Cody was awoken by a phone call from Peter Jackson, a famous film director.

  ‘Cody,’ said Peter Jackson, ‘I was watching television yesterday and I saw what you did to that bird. Amazing special effects! I want you to come and work on my next film and do more of that. What do you say?’

  Cody was
speechless, while Sammy let out a series of caws, which Peter Jackson took as a ‘yes’. He said Cody could take Sammy along with him on film shoots, and Sammy would even get his own trailer. What luxury!

  And Professor Jenkins and Professor Phillips? Things didn’t turn out so well for them. Yes, they were famous, and yes they made it onto the cover of New Scientist magazine, but for all the wrong reasons. The headline was: ‘Idiotic Professors Sacked after Falling for a Fake!’ After that they had to resign from working as scientists, and they were so poor they had to work as snow shovellers at a ski lodge, which, apparently, is a cold, cold job.

  Hideous Helva

  In a cave at the edge of Rotten Forest, a place so evil even snakes and spiders were scared to venture there, a horrible hag lay asleep. Her snoring whistled eerily through the trees, making black crows flutter off in alarm.

  When the sun had gone down, the moon was out and inky grey clouds covered the land, Hideous Helva woke up. She looked around her cave at the bats’ wings hanging from the ceiling, the cauldron in the corner and the piles of bones. She reached across the bedside table for her purple leather hat.

  Helva groaned as she got out of bed. Her back was aching, but that was no surprise, because she was three hundred and forty years old. She had trouble seeing, but that was also no surprise, because one of her eyes was