Sand in the Wind

by Ruth Hay

  These matters were seldom discussed in those days.

  It was to be the one thing I could not ever compromise on.

  I had seen and heard enough of babies in my former life as maidservant to the Dunlops. My distaste for all that implied was deep seated and unchangeable, and it drove him away from me and back to his old habits of drinking with friends and workers.

  In time, Harold’s sister, Rachel, married and had two boys which cemented her position in the family and gave her additional cause to despise me. Harold spent time with his nephews and watched them grow to young men. Young Arthur even worked with him in the family construction business.

  I, however, had no business or family to console me. I spent my days visiting Stirling’s shops, museums and galleries in an attempt to supplement what little education I had gathered at school. I volunteered at the castle for some years and learned both history and architecture in that fine edifice.

  My lonely nights were spent in the unused, but well-stocked, library in the mansion. There, I read about the achievements of the Fraser family whose portraits adorned the walls throughout the house. I read fiction and biography, science and philosophy. Daily, I devoured the newspapers and magazines that arrived with the morning coffee from a lower kitchen I seldom visited.

  Eventually, I could hold my own at one of Harold’s society dinners. After years of merely listening to the chatter around the dining table, it was good to be able to express my opinions.

  I always championed the underdog and sneakily used Harold’s money to support charities and causes his politics led him to disapprove of so vocally.

  Sunday church parade was obligatory. I was a newcomer to worship services but the Frasers had a pew near the front of the ancient church and I attended dutifully. I could feel the stares of the congregation as they murmured about ‘the young, strange wife of the elder Fraser son’ and at first I endured it all as just another weekly trial to be borne.

  As the readings and hymns became more familiar, I began to look forward to these peaceful interludes. Nothing was required of me there and I could relish the organ music with its soaring themes. This, more than anything else, gave me access to my sublimated, deeper feelings.

  I asked for help, gazing upward at the stained glass windows where the figures of women kneeled in supplication.

  I had no right to ask for forgiveness. My entire life was one of alienation and desertion. I knew the wrong choices I had made. I acknowleged my many sins.

  I asked, without hope of salvation, but, somehow, salvation was delivered to me. Not soon, of course. I spent many years in the wilderness before I was free.

  And freedom came with guilt. Harold did not deserve his fate, but then, perhaps I did not deserve mine?

  * * *

  Anna turned over the page she had been reading and put both hands over her eyes. She knew the next part of her Aunt Helen’s story. George McLennan’s researcher had discovered what happened to end the marriage.

  Although Anna meant to read that account in Helen’s own words, she simply could not continue tonight. It was all she could do to turn out the light, lift the sleeping cat and take her up the staircase to her own bedroom.

  She could hear the gentle, familiar sounds of Alina snoring in the single bedroom across the hall, but she could see her friend had first, thoughtfully lit the fire and turned down the bed for her. The contrast between her life with Alina and Helen’s married life in Stirling, devoid of a single friend, was almost too much to bear.

  “I can’t think about this one minute more, Morag,” she whispered. “Please stay with me, little one. I need your company tonight.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Alina woke refreshed. The snow had stopped in the night and white, pure light flooded into her bedroom through the window in an alcove set into the roof line. She could hear no sounds of movement in the house and decided to quietly splash water on her face in the adjoining bathroom then tiptoe downstairs without disturbing Anna. A good night’s sleep would restore her friend to her normally-cheerful mood and banish whatever feelings Helen Dunlop’s memories had conjured up for her.

  The kitchen was deserted. She figured Fiona must have gone home for the night.

  Bev’s meal had provided enough nourishment for a week so Alina found cold cereal and coffee to be enough of a breakfast. She was sipping contentedly when the phone rang.

  “Hi! This is Alina.”

  “Oh, good! I was afraid I would waken Anna.”

  “No, Fiona. Not a peep from her yet. I hope she’s getting the rest she needs.”

  “Agreed! I am calling to see what you might want to do today. I am working at the vet’s this morning but I will pick you both up later for the dinner at George and Jeanette’s tonight.”

  “Right! I want to stick around here, Fiona, and see what kind of mood Anna is in when she wakes up. I wonder if we could do a little business in the afternoon?”

  “What did you have in mind?”

  “Well, I would like to speak to some of the cottage workers who make the knitwear for A Plus. Is there any chance you could put us in touch with them this afternoon? It would be useful as well as keeping Anna’s mind occupied. I don’t think she should be reading more of that stuff she found, for a while at least.”

  “No worries! I’ll phone several this morning and set up visits with anyone who is working at home today.”

  “Excellent! I have a new project in mind for them.”

  “Done and dusted! By the way Callum Moir sends his regards to Anna.”

  Alina had thoughts on that connection but she contented herself with a mild response.

  “I’ll pass that along to Anna. Thanks, Fiona. See you later.”

  “Okay then!”

  Alina refreshed her tea and decided to spend time in the lounge until Anna appeared.

  There were more books to check out although she was sure the journal or memoir was much more useful than a note or two in a book. She ventured over to the office door wondering if it would be helpful to Anna to have another opinion on Helen’s writings, but when she found the door locked she felt relief that she did not have to make that decision.

  As it was early in the day, she thought it would be a good time to check in with James about

  A Plus business matters. She opened up her laptop and left him an e mail message. James would be attending classes at his business college in England but he would respond later. Another message went to the warehouse back home in London about deliveries, and an enquiry to the workshop manager about the newly-hired workers.

  As soon as the e mails sped on their way, Alina shut the laptop and rubbed her eyes. She was able to counteract the minor deterioration in her vision by enlarging the print on her laptop, although eventually some blurring occurred. More troublesome was a perceptible difference in the way she saw faces. Often the very centre of a face was slightly out of focus.

  * * *

  With well-known faces, like Anna’s, this was never a problem. Nobody looked that closely at those they saw every day. It was new people whose faces were more difficult. Alina was finding she needed to use her peripheral vision for a quick look, out of the side of her eye, as it were. She was comforted by the information she had been given that she would never lose that peripheral vision and she was coming to realize she would have to rely on it more in the future.

  Although she would discuss this with her doctors in London, there was no chance she would burden Anna with these thoughts. That poor woman had enough on her mind at the moment.

  Just then, Morag scratched at the lounge door. Alina gladly interrupted her musings to welcome the cat into the lounge. This must mean Anna was up at last. She picked up Morag and took her into the kitchen where soon the kettle was filled and a pot of tea prepared for Anna. Alina was anxious to find out how Anna had slept and what, if anything, she cared to share about the new information on Helen Dunlop.

  When Anna opened the kitchen door, Alina was toasting brea
d. She asked casually, “How did you sleep?”

  The answer was a weary, “Not too well, I’m afraid. I was reading more of that memoir and I dreamed about Helen all night.”

  “I was afraid of that. Look, would it help if you shared it with me? Sometimes, saying things out loud in the light of day helps to keep matters in proportion. I am a willing pair of ears, if you think it would help.”

  “Honestly, I don’t know what will help. I shouldn’t have started to read it at all. The writing was never meant to be found. I should dispose of it right now and be done with the whole thing. There are some family mysteries that are not meant to be uncovered.”

  “Hmmm! That doesn’t sound like you, Anna. Here, have tea and toast or some more of that Victoria sponge Fiona left for you. We’ll figure out what to do. Don’t we always?”

  Anna had to admire her friend’s optimism. She was the one with real problems. Anna’s were of her own making and, therefore, a lot less pressing. This sad reaction was not fair to Alina.

  “You are so right! Pour that tea and I’ll have toast and cake, please. I will decide about one thing immediately, however. There won’t be any more midnight oil burned over those writings of hers. Any further reading, if there is any, will be done in bright daylight.......here for example! I can’t imagine any place more likely to keep bad thoughts at bay than this warm and light-filled kitchen. There are no sad memories of Helen Dunlop lingering here since the renovations were done.”

  “Excellent plan, Anna! Morag and I approve wholeheartedly!”

  Morag had jumped up onto the table as soon as the hot toast had been placed in front of Anna.

  Alina broke off a corner and spread it liberally with butter for her. Contented sounds emerged as the cat licked the forbidden treat.

  “Now there’s a creature who knows what’s important in life!” observed Anna.

  General conversation occupied the next hour or so. Alina related the plan for the day and they discussed what they would wear in the evening to Jeanette’s house. Both were keen to see how much bigger little Liam had grown since last November’s wedding pictures.

  There was also the business of packing to consider. Fiona had research to do for her courses in the Mitchell Library in Glasgow so she had volunteered to drive them to Glasgow for the hotel stay before they travelled back to Gatwick and joined the group heading for Egypt.

  Anna suggested that most of their winter clothes could be left locked in her private storage in the cedar closet over the front porch of the estate house. All they really needed to keep were their warm clothes for the drive down and for the plane trip back to Canada.

  “That will save a case,” agreed Alina. “All we can safely handle is one case each.”

  “Yes, much wiser. We have a lot of different locations in Egypt and although I am sure we will have as much assistance as we need, it is easier to have a minimum of luggage to keep track of when we are moving around.”

  Alina put down her cup and gazed out of the windows at the wintry scene before them.

  “Can you believe we will be basking in hot sun mere days from now?”

  “I know what you mean,” Anna replied. “It will be an amazing experience for us; a week’s cruising on Lake Nasser, then a transfer to the Nile for another cruise ship, and finally a week in a fine hotel in Luxor.”

  “It sounds wonderful! We’ll see Philip during the last week, I guess?”

  “That’s the plan. He will contact us when we arrive at the Sheraton, Luxor.”

  “Well, Anna, it’s the trip of a lifetime and I mean to enjoy every single minute!”

  “Absolutely! What an adventure!”

  The two women clinked their cups together enthusiastically and laughed aloud. Anna could feel the atmosphere lifting as her mood changed to one of anticipation. There was so much to look forward to. Looking back had never solved any problems for her. Too bad Aunt Helen had not come to that conclusion.

  “No! No, Fiona! Get yourself right in here! You’re not escaping! I’ve made enough food for an army and I need you to make sure these two get home safe and sound tonight.”

  Jeanette pulled Fiona’s arm and dragged her into the hallway of their hilside Victorian villa while Anna and Alina were still admiring the sunset view out over Oban harbour to the islands of Kerrera and Mull.

  Anna peered beyond the skyline and wished she could catch a glimpse of Iona, the island where Aunt Helen and Mrs. Aitken had spent a happy time. A visit there was not possible in winter but she was determined to go there on her next trip.

  There was a definite chill in the air as the sun set and the two women linked arms and entered through the door. Gleams of red light darted before them and illuminated the stained glass flowers on the interior doors.

  George stood waiting beside his wife with Liam wriggling in his arms.

  “Welcome back, Anna! Grand to see you here, Alina! We’ve heard so much about you.”

  That was all he managed before his son struggled down and hopped over to Anna. “I have a new boat, you know,” he began. “She’s called Canada. You come from Canada, don’t you? That’s what my Mummy says.”

  Before George had hung up their coats, Liam had both women by the hand and pulled them into the lounge where a selection of toys was strewn around the room. Pride of place was given to a handsome model sailing ship balanced in front of the green-tiled fireplace.

  Anna and Alina, as former teachers, knew what was required of them.

  “Now, Liam, that’s a very fine boat you have there! Has it been in the water yet?”

  “No, my Daddy says I have to wait till after Christmas. When’s Christmas?”

  Neither one wanted to get into that argument, so they distracted the little fellow by asking which other toy was his favourite. The decision was not an easy one for a two and a half year old. It required careful thought as he roamed around the room picking up and discarding various items until he spotted a worn old teddy bear lying partly under a sofa near the window.

  “Where have you been, Teddy?” he scolded, as he brushed fluff off his bear and settled him on a nearby chair from which he could survey the scene.

  “Teddy!”” he demanded, “Have you not seen my new boat yet?”

  “I think we can safely exit now,” whispered Alina. “He’s adorable! No wonder there’s another little one on the way.”

  Anna had totally missed this information. She was amazed at what Alina had managed to see and deduce when only a few minutes in a house she had never entered before.

  Jeanette appeared at the lounge door and ushered them into the kitchen where Liam’s parents were completing final preparations on a meal that promised to rival the feast of the night before at Bev’s.

  Anna now noticed a brand new baby monitor on the countertop and also the loose maternity top Jeanette was wearing. She decided to say nothing to George about their growing family.

  He was handing out drinks and she knew how embarrassed he would be to have attention drawn to himself.

  Jeanette was ladling hot soup into a large tureen. Fiona stood by to carry it through to the dining room.

  “So, what have you three been up to this afternoon?” asked Jeanette while wielding a sharp knife over a loaf of crusty French bread.

  “Well, Alina wanted to approach some of our local knitters to ask if they would be willing to join a new project for charity.”

  “Alina, that sounds like a great idea. What’s it all about?”

  Alina was delighted to compliment the Oban women who had so readily taken on the challenge of knitting tiny caps for premature babies in Africa, using left-over wools from the garments they made for the A Plus company. She was pleased to meet the women who had contributed so much to the success of their fine knitwear department. Many of the complex patterns that flew effortlessly from their nimble fingers had been lost in the rush to mechanical knitting machines and mass market production. Fiona had been instrumental in finding these skilled workers for Anna a
nd she was a useful interpreter when the conversation lapsed into Gaelic.

  “We had a wonderful time with the women. They are all so full of life and humour despite the advanced age of most of them,” concluded Alina.

  “Yes!” added Anna with a laugh, “they put me to shame. I feel quite inadequate in the company of crafty women like Alina and our Oban team.”

  George entered the kitchen and picked up a covered platter of oatmeal-coated fried fish whose aroma was causing Anna’s teeth to water. He had overheard the last remark and swiftly came to Anna’s defense. “You have other talents, Ms. Mason. Not least of which is drawing people together from many different places. This gathering would be a fine example, I think.”

  Everyone agreed with this statement, despite Anna’s protestations.

  Bev summoned the group and they assembled in the dining room for a splendid meal.

  Liam gave a fine commentary on the food, from his booster chair beside his mother.

  The hours flew by and after second cups of coffee, Anna and Alina had to reluctantly bid farewell. They had packing to do for tomorrow’s departure and did not want to keep Fiona out too late as it would be a long drive for her to Glasgow.

  As they waved goodbye to Fiona from the estate house doorstep, the two women were buffeted by a chill wind from the west. They hurried indoors and closed the kitchen door firmly to shut out any draughts.

  Alina yawned widely and begged Anna to let her get to bed. “I can’t face packing tonight,” she explained. “And anyway we are leaving most of our winter wear here, remember? Let’s do it tomorrow. We don’t leave here until the afternoon. I need a good night’s sleep before we set off on our travels.”

  Anna was only too happy to agree to this suggestion. She was feeling groggy from fatigue and a heavy meal and more than willing to postpone the task of dragging out the cases.

  “We’ll get up early in the morning,” she conceded. “I’m heading upstairs right now as soon as I put out some food and water for Morag.”