Craving Redemption

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  I nodded and sniffed as she studied my face.

  “You get up there and get ready to see that baby, and you leave everything else outside that door. It’s got no place in here with you and me.” She kissed me quickly and took a step backward, giving me a swat on the hip. “Crawl up there so you’re ready when the guy gets in here.”

  I worked at pushing everything else out of my head as the female ultrasound tech came in and started chatting. I didn’t hear a word she said because I was so busy trying to filter out everything happening outside the room. It hurt that Asa wasn’t with me, but we’d known for weeks when the appointment would be. If he’d wanted to be there, he would have.

  I watched intently as she used the computer to measure my little bean, tracing little lines over its head and torso and labeling different body parts. I was so intent on the baby that she startled me when she spoke.

  “Do you want to know the sex?”

  I looked at Gram who’d stood from her seat across the room to watch the monitor closely.

  “Let’s do it,” she told me with a nod, grabbing my hand tightly.

  “Yeah. We want to know,” I answered, searching the tech’s face for an answer before she spoke.

  She turned back toward the monitor and started moving her mouse around again. “You see that right there? You, my dear, are definitely having a boy.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked, stunned.

  “I’ve been doing this for five years, and I’ve been wrong twice. I’m reasonably certain,” she told me with a smile as she stood from her seat and handed me a row of black and white photos. “The doctor will be here in a few minutes after he goes over the results.” She gave a small smile before exiting the room.

  “A son,” Gram murmured quietly, running her hand down my hair. “There’s nothing in the world like it.”

  I ignored her teary eyes, knowing she wouldn’t appreciate if I made a big fuss about it, and cleaned the goop off my belly. The doctor came in a few minutes later, giving us the all-clear on all the test results, and I left the office in a daze, thankful that Gram had driven me to the appointment.

  We were having a son, and Asa had missed it. How could he have missed it? I swung between worry and fury as we rode home. How could he? Where the fuck was he? I would have known if he’d been in an accident. I was listed as his next of kin on a little card in his wallet—someone would’ve called me.

  I’d no sooner had the thought than my phone started ringing shrilly in my purse and my stomach dropped.

  “No. No. No,” I murmured as I fished it out and saw an unknown number on the caller ID.

  “Hello?” I answered frantically.

  “Hey, little girl.”

  “Poet? What’s wrong? Asa was supposed to be here this afternoon and he never showed.” My words were tumbling over each other in my panic as I stared blankly out the windshield.

  “Asa’s just fine—”

  “Then where the fuck is he?”

  “He ran into some problems on his way down this morning…”

  “Why am I just now hearing from anyone? What the hell is going on?” I asked as Gram parked the car and I threw myself out of the car so I could pace.

  “Just heard about it myself. Called you first thing.”

  “What. Is. Going. On?” I snapped back.

  “Asa got arrested this morning, and he had to use his call to phone Slider—”

  “Arrested?” I whispered, my stomach dropping. “What happened?”

  “Not sure of the details yet, just wanted to let you know that he’s fine. He was real insistent that I call you soon as I could.”

  I pressed my hand to my head, feeling dizzy all of a sudden, and I felt Gram wrap her arm around my waist, ushering me toward the stairs.

  “Okay, well let me know...”

  “I’ll keep you updated. Don’t worry, darlin’, he’ll be out before you know it.”

  I climbed the steps wearily as Poet hung up, and I couldn’t even answer the questions in Gram’s eyes, I was so bewildered. Why would he have gotten arrested on his way to me? It didn’t make any sense and my mind was spinning.

  “Baby daddy stood you up, huh?” Farrah mumbled around a mouth full of what looked like shredded wheat cereal. My heart sped up as I stared at her in disbelief. She looked like shit. Her hair was matted on one side and there were half-circles of mascara under her eyes. She’d probably just woken up after her bender last night, and she’d been passed out cold while I’d been freaking out for the last two hours.

  “Fuck you, Farrah!” I screamed, throwing my purse at her and knocking cereal all over my couch. “You’re such a fucking bitch!”

  I felt Gram’s hand on my elbow, but I was too overcome with emotion to pay any attention to her.

  “What the fuck did I do?” Farrah yelled back, standing from the couch.

  “It’s all about poor fucking Farrah! Farrah has had such a shitty time that she treats everyone around her like total crap!” My hands clenched into fists as she stared at me in disbelief. “I should’ve moved to Oregon by now!” I screeched, the veins in my temples throbbing.

  “Fuck you! I didn’t ask you to stay! Move to fucking Oregon, then!” she sniped back, sliding her feet into shoes. “I didn’t need you to stay here, Callie. I got along fine without your ass.”

  As she was finishing, Cody walked through the door, his face a mask of fury. “What the hell is going on? I could hear you yelling from Gram’s.”

  “Your sister’s got a stick up her ass because her boyfriend never fucking showed and now she’s taking it out on me,” Farrah replied, folding the blanket I’d thrown over her the night before when she hadn’t made it to her bedroom before passing out. “Apparently, everything is my fault because I got the shit beat out of me and had the bad fucking luck of having my boyfriend killed, too. I’m such a fucking burden because she felt obligated to stay instead of starting her own fucking life.”

  At her words, I lost all steam and was suddenly exhausted. “I stayed because I love you,” I told her, tears filling my eyes. “But you don’t even care. You don’t even care that I’m five months pregnant and went to my ultrasound today. You don’t care that I postponed my entire life to make sure you were okay.” I paused, hiccupping. “I needed you today and you were passed out on the couch, and the minute I walk in the door you make some stupid fucking comment without once asking if everything was okay, because it so obviously wasn’t.”

  I shook my head and walked toward my bedroom. “I’m going to take a nap, Gram. Can you keep my phone in case someone calls?”

  “Yeah, baby girl. I’m gonna run to my place and get some potatoes for dinner and I’ll cook over here tonight,” she told me gently. “You get some rest.”

  I heard Cody and Farrah start to argue as I reached my room, but they went silent as Gram’s angry voice roared through the apartment.

  I barely crawled into my bed before I began to sob.

  Chapter 61

  Callie

  I woke up the next morning to Farrah sitting on the edge of my bed holding a plate full of toaster waffles.

  “I’m here to grovel,” she told me with a rueful smile, gesturing with the plate. “I’m not very good at it.”

  I gave her a small smile, scooting up in bed so I could lean against the headboard.

  “I’ve been a dick,” she said, handing me the food. “I know when I’m being a dick and sometimes it feels like I can’t stop it.”

  “I’m sorry I yelled at you last night,” I answered quietly, setting the waffles on my lap. “I was freaked out about Asa and you were in the line of fire.”

  “Yeah, but you meant what you said.” She raised her hand when I tried to interrupt. “No. I get it. You’ve stayed here to help me and I’ve been an ungrateful asshole. I’ll try to do better.”

  “I just want you to be okay.” I reached out and squeezed her knee.

  “Yeah, I’m running out of skin anyway,” she told me with a sh
rug. “I need to get a job or something. I can’t live off your food and other people’s booze forever.”

  I snorted and started choking.

  “Shut up,” she laughed back at me. “I’ll get a job. I’ll figure something out.”

  “I know you will,” I gasped, my throat still tickling. “I was more worried about the partying and pin cushion thing you’ve got going.”

  “Fuck!” she hissed, falling backward on the bed. “I’m gonna have to take some of these out or I’m never gonna get hired.”

  “Do you really care?” I asked seriously.

  She raised her head to gape at me. “They hurt like hell and now I have to take them out!”

  I started to giggle, my heart feeling lighter than it had in weeks.

  “Well, maybe not all of them,” she replied, raising her eyebrows up and down.

  We sat on my bed laughing for a few minutes before reality came crashing down with the arrival of Gram at my bedroom door. “Poet,” she mouthed silently, handing my phone to me.

  “Hey, Poet,” I answered cautiously.

  “Hey, girl. I just wanted to give you an update. Looks like they’ve got Grease on a probation violation. The suit says he should be able to get him out on Monday.”

  “That’s days from now!” I argued.

  “Shit takes time, darlin’. Don’t you worry; we’ll have your man out soon. You have another phone number?”

  “What? No, just this one,” I answered, confused.

  “He’s not gonna be able to call, then. Can’t make collect calls to a cell phone—has to be a landline.”

  “I can go get one!” I answered almost frantically. “I’ll go today.”

  “Saturday, girl. Nothing’s open. Just give it a few days and he’ll be able to call. I’ll let you know if anything else comes up.”

  He hung up again without saying goodbye, and I dropped the phone to my lap.

  “Fuck,” I whispered, raising my eyes to Farrah and Gram who were waiting. “Probation violation. I don’t even know what that means!”

  “Just means they’ll hold him for a few days, maybe longer,” Gram reassured me, sitting down next to me on the bed. “You just worry about you and that baby.”

  “I need to go to Oregon,” I responded, flipping my blankets back so I could crawl out of bed.

  “What the hell would you do that for?” Gram argued. “Nothing you can do up there that you can’t do down here. You need to just wait until we know how long he’s gonna be there.”

  “I can’t just sit here. I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin knowing he’s in there.” My nose tingled with tears as I rifled through my dresser, picking out clothes. “I have to do something.”

  “Why don’t we go baby shopping?” Farrah piped up from where she was laying, covered by the blankets I’d thrown off. “Plus, you need some new clothes, that shirt is way too small.”

  I looked down at the tee I’d put on and pulled at the hem to cover the sliver of belly I was showing. I’d gotten significantly rounder in the last month and I’d had to start wearing yoga pants and leggings constantly because I couldn’t zip my jeans.

  “I can wait a little longer before I buy maternity stuff,” I answered, my nose crinkled in distaste. I’d seen some of the shit other ladies at my doctor’s office had been wearing. No, thank you.

  “Dude, you’re like the Hulk; you’re busting out of that shit. We need to at least buy you some bigger regular shit—people are already staring because you look like an after school special. No need to look white trash, too,” Farrah told me seriously as she climbed off the bed.

  “I’m not white,” I commented drolly as I followed her out of my room.

  “Half-white trash then!” she called as she walked into her room and slammed the door behind her.

  “It’s nice to have her back,” I said quietly to Gram, putting my arm around her shoulder as we reached the living room.

  “It is, but don’t think that girl is all healed up just because she came in all smiles this morning. Nothing’s ever that easy,” she warned. “I’m going to go get my billfold from the house and let Cody know where we’re going.”

  I brushed my teeth and hair, but didn’t bother with anything else before sitting down on the couch to wait for Gram and Farrah. I needed a moment, just a moment, to let everything from the last twenty-four hours sink in. The pendulum of my emotions had swung widely the day before, from worry over Asa to complete awe of our son, and I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath.

  I hadn’t realized how much I still depended on Asa to feel safe until Poet had told me that he was locked away from me. The entirety of my need for him had come crashing down and I hadn’t known how to deal with it, so I’d picked a fight with Farrah. Our argument had been a long time coming, but I didn’t delude myself into thinking that I’d been angry with her. She was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg, not the solid chunk below the surface.

  I felt lost knowing that Asa was unavailable to me, and scared that he was in jail worried out of his mind. I knew he could take care of himself, he’d made that clear on several occasions, but I hated that he’d missed our appointment and was probably beating himself up about it. I desperately wanted him with me.

  “Okay, I’m beautiful! You ready?” Farrah called cheerily as she came down the hallway, slinging her purse over her shoulder.

  “Who are you?”

  “Your cool-as-shit best friend. Now get off your ass and let’s go,” she answered with a smirk.

  “Gram got to you, didn’t she?” I asked suspiciously, narrowing my eyes at her.

  “She ripped me a new one. It still hurts to sit down,” she told me with a grimace as I laughed. “That old broad knows just how to twist the knife.”

  “Ha! You haven’t seen anything yet,” I told her as we walked out of the house and locked the door behind us. “She’s a freaking virago.”

  “The hell is that?”

  “Callie, stop jabbering and let’s go,” Gram called as if I hadn’t just been waiting on her. I shook my head and smiled as she started down the stairs.

  “You need to read more,” I told Farrah teasingly as we jogged down the stairs behind Gram, only pausing slightly as we hit the bottom step. We’d gotten better about ignoring the spot where Echo had been killed, but I knew both of us still felt that jolt of fear whenever we reached the bottom. We could have moved into another place that didn’t make us cringe, but for some reason those shitty-ass apartments made us feel safe. They felt like home.

  “Shotgun!” Farrah called as she ran toward my car.

  “Fuck you! I’m the pregnant one!” I bitched back as I waddled after her.

  God, I’d missed her. Even with my mind swirling with worry over Asa, I was still almost giddy at the thought of shopping for baby things.

  And I refused to feel guilty about it.

  Gram had been right when she’d spoken her words of wisdom at the doctor’s office the day before.

  These moments would only happen once, and I could either let outside forces overshadow the joy I felt about my baby boy, or I could revel in the feeling despite those forces.

  I was going to have a son. I chose to revel.

  Chapter 62

  Callie

  Monday came and went with no word from Poet or Asa.

  So did Tuesday and Wednesday.

  On Thursday, I threw up twice from nerves, and still no word.

  I finally got a call on Friday.

  “Asa!” I answered the phone excitedly, feeling like I was taking a deep breath for the first time in a week. “Hello?”

  “Hey, Sugar,” he answered quietly.

  “I missed you! Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. How are things with you and baby?”

  His voice sounded off, and my stomach churned.

  “We’re both fine. The doctor said everything on the ultrasound looks great!” I answered with false cheer.

  “I’m sorry I did
n’t make it, sweetheart. I really wanted to fuckin’ be there.”

  “I know, baby,” I told him quietly. “I wished you were there, too. You want to know what we’re having, or do you want to wait until I see you?”

  “Better tell me on the phone, Callie. Not sure when I’ll be able to make the trip down there.” He paused for almost a full minute. “I can’t leave the state.”

  “Well, I’ll just come to you, then!” I promised, still hanging on to my false cheer. “I can leave now and be there by tonight!”

  “That’s not gonna work, Calliope,” he answered vaguely, and as I listened to him, my legs started to tingle as if they were falling asleep.

  “What? Why? I can be right there. I’ll even take Gram with me, if that’s what you’re worried about. Or Cody! I can bring Cody!” I was racing through the words frantically, trying to convince him that it was a good idea.

  “I love you. I love you so much,” he told me seriously, and I fell against the wall as I heard his breath hitch, my legs giving way until I’d slid completely down to my ass.

  “I love you, too,” I whispered back. “I want to be with you.”

  “Sugar, things are worse than we thought. I wish I could explain it all to you, but the lawyer said not to talk about it on the phone, so you’re just gonna have to trust me.”

  “Trust you with what? What’s going on, Asa?”

  “They think they found something on my bike that I wasn’t supposed to have,” he mumbled, pausing to sigh deeply, “I was coming from the clubhouse, and your friend’s dad said to bring her his love.”

  Confusion set in and I sat silently for a few moments before I realized he was speaking in some sort of code.

  “When I got pulled over, they took me in. Judge let me out on bail, but it’s only a matter of time before they arrest me again. The lawyer thinks they’re gonna make an example outta me,” he told me quietly. “I don’t want you driving all the way up here before the court date.”