Toradora! Vol. 7

by Yuyuko Takemiya

  “…Can’t you just put one on now?”

  “Hm?! What?! I can’t hear you!”

  Then, when Ryuuji noticed that Taiga had disappeared, the background music had changed to trendy western songs, and the curtain was decisively down on the stage.

  ***

  “So you were here all along!”

  Someone suddenly took hold of Ryuuji’s arm from behind, and he staggered.

  “Yeah! What is it with you? You surprised me.”

  “Huh, I can’t hear you! It’s like really crowded in here…kyah!”

  It’s Ami-chan, Ami-chan, Ami-chan! Ami-chan has appeared on earth! Like insects attracted by a deadly light, they could see guys paddling through the waves of people all around to approach her. The Ami-sama-love, happi-coat-wearing brigade bravely volunteered themselves to surround Ami.

  “Don’t touch her!”

  “Don’t approach her!”

  If they hadn’t been fending off the groups of people around her, the two of them would have been sandwiched by the crowd and probably would have suffocated.

  Somehow, they got a spot in front of the tree, and Ami held a hand up to her ear in the noise. She smiled with her deep, rosy, glossy lips.

  “Hey, what did you think about the song?! Weren’t you surprised?!”

  “Yeah, it was a big surprise! When did you even find time to practice that?!”

  “It was kind of a surprise present for the whole prep committee! ♥”

  They were right in the middle of the music and noise, so they couldn’t have a proper conversation without raising their voices. Dressed up even more beautifully than anyone else in her tight black dress, Ami raised her hands up high and danced with the music directly under the lights. “Oh, I love this song~!” In the sparkling confetti, the whistles and cheers started up. The people around Ami also put up their hands like her and waved with the rhythm of the song.

  “This is my song! Look, Takasu-kun, give me your hands! Hey, what’s going on with you today?! It was a pretty big surprise when you arrived in this cool suit!”

  She came close enough to him that he could feel her body heat, grabbed his hands, and put them up. He felt the gazes of jealousy and envy prickling and stabbing at his back.

  “W-wait a second! I’m looking for Taiga right now!”

  “Huh?! What?!”

  This wasn’t the time for Ryuuji to be dancing carefree. Then, breaking through the dancing people by making cutting motions with his hands, Kitamura, who was now wearing a T-shirt without the beard and hat, had appeared.

  “Excuse me from the back!” he said. “Excuse me!”

  “Yo, Kitamura! I’m over here! Was she over there?!”

  “No, she wasn’t! Looks like no one’s seen her! Oh great, right on time, Ami have you seen her?! No one knows where Aisaka is! We’ve been looking for her for a while!”

  “…”

  He felt like Ami’s crimson lips faintly moved as she stopped dancing. However, the people around them were terrifically enthusiastic and crowding in, so her words didn’t reach Ryuuji’s ears.

  “Huh?! What did you say?! I couldn’t hear!”

  He brought his ear closer to Ami, who was pretty much the same height as him. Ami brought her body close, so that they were practically hugging, and covered Ryuuji’s ear and her lips with her hands. Then she said it.

  “Like I said, she went home.”

  That was it.

  “She said she’d go by Minori-chan’s house. She wanted to bring her over here. Then she said she’d go home after that. She said she didn’t want to get in the way and that she was going to get ready for her beloved Christmas and wait for Santa to come or something.”

  Like an idiot, Ryuuji opened his mouth and looked back at Ami’s face. Ami’s large eyes reflected a strong and cold light directly at him. Then she continued, “You didn’t know? You didn’t notice? Really?”

  He nodded.

  The dance music continued. In the middle of the groups of people who swayed with their hands in the air, Ryuuji could only nod. He stood stock-still. But wasn’t it strange? When Kitamura asked him “What’s wrong?” Ryuuji looked into Kitamura’s face and thought it again.

  Isn’t that strange?

  “Why? Why would she do that?!”

  “Why are you asking me?!”

  “Why did she have to go home?!”

  “I said I don’t know! Maybe there’s something she doesn’t want to see?!”

  “Huh…?”

  “That’s why I warned you—ahh, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I say to you. You’re not listening to what I say anyway. Every last one of you… I don’t care anymore.”

  As though she were writhing, Ami pushed forcefully at Ryuuji’s chest with her hands. Ryuuji lost to her strength, and his legs stumbled from shock. Ami didn’t even look back at his face.

  “I’m tired, so I’m blowing this joint. Get out of my way! Make a path! No way, it’s so crowded…and noisy! I want to be alone! I’m tired!”

  Like that, she wrenched herself away from him and staggered off.

  “What’s wrong, Ami-chan?!”

  “Where are you going, Ami-chan?!”

  “Let’s dance together!”

  Why don’t you get out of my way! Ami yelled as she ran from the arms of those who approached her. The pale nape of her neck and her back disappeared into the ring of dancing people. Her voice also disappeared as it was buried by the music.

  Ryuuji was left alone.

  “What did she say?!” Kitamura said. “Did Ami know something?!”

  “She said she went home…”

  “Sorry, I can’t hear you, say it again!”

  “She! Said! Taiga! Went home!”

  “What?! Why?! But Aisaka hasn’t gotten to do anything fun yet!”

  That was true—it really was true. Ryuuji looked back at his wide-eyed best friend and held his chest, which smarted from Ami hitting him.

  Taiga still hadn’t had any fun at all at the Christmas Eve party. She hadn’t even been able to have a worthwhile conversation with Kitamura. The party was a success. Everyone was having fun. Everyone was smiling. But Taiga still hadn’t been rewarded at all.

  “I wonder what happened?! It couldn’t be that she got sick because she got tired?!”

  “Well…I don’t know…”

  He didn’t know.

  Ryuuji was rooted to the spot in the middle of the groups of people as it became even more crowded. He scratched his head. He couldn’t even move. He didn’t know. Why had it ended up like this?

  Taiga prepared the suit for Ryuuji.

  For everyone’s sake, in order to make the party more exciting, she wore a pretty costume, sang, and danced.

  And then again, for Ryuuji’s sake, she went and left the party? In order to get Minori? In order to not be in the way?

  “Who’s going to make you smile now that you’ve gone home by yourself? Is that how you’re going to be part of the happy scene?”

  As he muttered to himself, the Christmas tree sparkled in the corner of his eye. Even Taiga’s star, which had been broken, winked and glittered. But no matter how pretty it was, no matter how brilliant it was, Ryuuji thought it was meaningless unless she was there. If they weren’t laughing together under that bright tree, they weren’t actually being rewarded. For whose sake was this night so beautiful? For whose sake was Christmas coming? Wasn’t it for everyone? Wasn’t it for everyone, Taiga included? Did you forget your own words when you said everyone needs to be happy, you klutz of a tiger?

  Or—maybe she really did believe Santa was watching? She knew she was a hypocrite and doing it all for herself. Even while saying that, maybe she believed that if she was a good girl Santa really would reappear in front of her eyes again.

  But Santa didn’t exist. No matter how good of a girl Taiga was, no one knew it. No one was watching. There was no god in this world. The streets would be brightly lit and glittering with lights, they wou
ld be overflowing with smiles, a happy Christmas would grace the world, and Taiga wouldn’t be rewarded.

  Wasn’t Taiga alone this year? Hadn’t she gone home alone? Was there an adult there for her? Yeah, there were, but those adults wouldn’t be by Taiga’s side right now.

  In the end, Taiga ended up alone once again this year.

  He rubbed his face.

  As he thought, he remained planted to the ground.

  What did he need to do to stop this night’s relay from breaking?

  He looked at Kitamura’s face. He squeezed his voice out of his throat—no, he swallowed what he was about to say. He finally realized it.

  There was one person who had been watching.

  And there was one person who knew about Taiga’s loneliness.

  There was just one person who had been watching Taiga from close by the whole time. The person who should have handed the baton to Taiga was right there. It was right in his hand.

  There was only one person in the entire world who knew that Taiga had been a good girl. That person’s name was Takasu Ryuuji.

  ***

  Really? Is that really true? Her best friend had said over and over.

  That’s right. At the time, Taiga had nodded perseveringly and firmly.

  “Minorin, Ryuuji said he definitely won’t go home until you come. He even said he’s ready to stay overnight at the school.”

  The words she said over and over again were basically close to a threat. She was at the front entrance of the Kushiedas’ home, which she hadn’t visited for a while. Minori seemed troubled as she stood still for some time and bit her lip.

  Taiga remembered Minori’s expression.

  “Sorry, Minorin…”

  Though there was no way Minori could have heard, she still quietly whispered it.

  “But, it’s not like you didn’t want that? You must actually want to go. I know that. I’m your best friend. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t have worked so hard.”

  She had told Minori all of that, after all. Minori would definitely head to the party. It was okay if she only went just because she didn’t want Ryuuji to stay overnight at school. It was fine because he would work hard after that.

  The stockings she had removed and tossed aside hung off the sofa. Her clutch bag sat underneath them, and her short fur coat hung at the entryway. She was incredibly tired, and she didn’t even have the strength to take off her dress, so she wrapped her cold shoulders in Ryuuji’s scarf. She hadn’t stolen it by force like usual. That day, when she sneezed as they were going home to change, Ryuuji wrapped it around her. She went right back into hectically preparing for the party, so she forgot to return it.

  She buried her nose in the softness of the cashmere and fully breathed in the familiar scent. She breathed out and pushed the warmth from her own breath back onto her face.

  Her heels hurt terribly from blisters, and she was reluctant to even stand up anymore. She was sitting sloppily on the rug with the living room lights turned down. She didn’t turn on the TV, and the large room seemed as quiet as the bottom of a body of water.

  Taiga had a small, glass tree on her low table. She gently pulled out the candle that was inside of it and very carefully lit it with a lighter she bought at the convenience store. She did it carefully—ever so carefully—since dying in a house fire on Christmas Eve wasn’t a joking matter.

  In her living room, where the lights were dimmed, the orange light warmly wavered. The transparent tree was really beautiful. The candle’s aroma drifted to and tickled her nose.

  Taiga pulled out the pins that tightly kept her hair up and watched the flickering fire as she put her elbows on the table. Only the sound of the heater grated on her ears. She covered her head with the scarf and blocked out the noise. She was satisfied with the quiet and thought that was good enough. Her body, which was tired from the bustle of the last few days, seemed close to drifting into sleep.

  She was alone this year, too. Santa wouldn’t come this year, either. Trying to act like a good girl at this time, as though she had just remembered, was too late. If anything, she’d created enough trouble to get suspended this year, and there really wasn’t any Santa, anyway.

  So, she was alone this year, too.

  She would probably be alone next year.

  She would probably be alone in the future for a long, long time. Thinking that, Taiga closed her eyes from drowsiness, as though she were dying comfortably in her sleep. While she was alive, she would probably always be alone. Like she had been until then, forever from there on out, she would probably be alone. It was her fate for being born to her parents. There wasn’t anything she could do about it.

  Taiga closed her eyes.

  What a life, she thought, self-aware. Taiga only felt somewhat motivated when she thought someone was watching. Of course, she knew that was just a dream. It was precisely because she knew it was a dream that she could allow herself to believe it.

  She couldn’t be dependent on anything—on anyone. She wouldn’t have been able to live the life of Aisaka Taiga if her heart were that weak. In order to live by herself, she needed to become strong. But if it was a dream, her fleeting imagination that would never become reality, then she thought it was okay to hang on to. If you killed someone you hated in your imagination, it wasn’t a sin, after all. If you were to be with someone in your imagination, it wasn’t something the other person would know. That was what it was like. Even if she depended on it, as long as it was a dream, she wouldn’t become weak. Or so she hoped.

  I’ve been living completely dependent on it, though…

  “Huh?!”

  She jolted awake.

  At some point, she might have fallen asleep—no, she had just been asleep for a few minutes. She had suddenly felt like she was falling and like she had heard someone say something. And then…

  “Huh?!”

  This time, she actually jumped up. She reflexively got on her knees and turned to where the sound had come from. Rattle rattle rattle, the glass went—it was the sound of someone hitting the window. She heard it coming from her bedroom.

  Was it a thief? A pervert? A murderer? She heard the sound again more clearly, so Taiga stood up without making any noise. She firmly held the scarf around her exposed shoulders and boldly headed towards the bedroom where she had heard the sound. Please stop. This isn’t a joke. She didn’t want to die in a fire on Christmas Eve, but being murdered by someone was even worse. Her wooden sword was in her bedroom. She had faith in her strength. She didn’t know how much of a chance she stood against a real criminal, but it was better than taking it sitting down. She opened the door and stepped into the frigid, pitch-dark bedroom with her bare feet. She was prepared for death as she opened the curtain.

  Eek!

  Her strangled cry only made it to the back of her throat. She had been so surprised, she couldn’t make a sound.

  She fluttered to the ground, lost her balance, and sat down.

  Why was it that on the other side of her window, standing on the wall that partitioned her house from the Takasus’, hitting the glass with its hand against her window, just about to fall, was there a bear? And a bear with a Santa hat on?

  Knock, knock, knock, knock! The bear’s hand hit the window glass more roughly. As though it were shouting, I’m gonna fall! Maybe reaching its limits, its feet were wavering. Its propped-up body quivered all over. It would probably fall in a few seconds, and she was witnessing it right on the verge of danger before her eyes.

  “Sa—”

  Her hesitation disappeared, and without thinking, she rushed to open the window.

  “…Santa-san?”

  She reached out her hand and pulled it into her room. If Santa didn’t actually exist, she really was completely screwed. But once she pulled it into her bedroom, the bear lay on the floor on all fours for a while, panting for breath.

  “Haah, haa.”

  Finally, it nodded for her.

  It said it was Santa.
<
br />   “No way. …Really?”

  It nodded again. It held its oversized head and nodded very slowly. It wasn’t a lie. It really was Santa. And it was even eloquently telling her that.

  “Ah…ha ha ha…”

  Though she didn’t know why on earth she felt like it, she started laughing before she realized it.

  “Aha ha ha ha! What is this?! Aha ha ha!”

  She held her stomach and laughed out loud. She had no idea what was actually going on, but she really believed it. This was Santa Claus. A bear Santa had come for her. She had been a good girl, so just as promised, Santa came to her again. She burst into loud laughter and took Santa’s hand. She stood Santa up and pulled its arm as it waddled. She brought it to her cluttered living room.

  “Santa-san! Look, this is my tree for this year!”

  The black plastic bear eyes looked at the small tree. Then it once again turned to Taiga and gave her a thumbs up. She had been praised by Santa Claus!

  “Yay! I thought this was definitely beautiful! I did it, I did it! Amazing! Santa-san actually praised my tree… No, it’s not just the tree! This is amazing, amazing, amazing! Ahh, it’s so amazing, you actually came! Santa-san really came! Well, you’re a bear, but it’s fine even if you are! It’s completely fine! This is like…a dream!”

  Kyah! Taiga shrieked as she jumped up. She jumped and twirled around in place several times. She was so, so happy. She turned to the heavens and threw her hands up and blew kisses upwards.

  Then she sang the Christmas song she had practiced for the band performance. Hop, step, jump! She jumped into Santa’s arms. She hugged fiercely with both her arms. She hugged with all her strength, desperately. The warm Santa bear gently reached out its arms and firmly hugged Taiga back. It patted her on her head and hair and squeezed her.

  Were there ever arms that hugged her like this before?

  Were there any other arms that she believed in and would never betray her heart?

  No, no, no, no, there weren’t. There were no other arms. There weren’t any anywhere else. They were only here. She felt the warmth from her joy bubbling up from within her. She was so excited, she was like an idiot. She wasn’t alone this year. Taiga closed her eyes and nuzzled her cheek into the warm chest. This year, Santa came. Her dream came true. It was reality. It was hugging her.