Human Again

by E. L. Tenenbaum

  I shook my head against the pillows, my voice thickened from emotion so I could barely say the word I wanted her to know would always be true. “Never.”

  Kiara’s smile grew. “I know,” she replied.

  “How did your father describe me?” I had to know.

  Kiara hesitated, seeming unwilling to give credence to words I was certainly unable to deny. “He said you were monstrous,” she admitted, “that you towered over him and blocked out the sun, not just with size but with the darkness surrounding you as well. He said you bared your teeth and all he saw were the fangs that could easily cut through his bones. He said you snarled and the earth rumbled from the force of it, that your very presence gave off a chill that he couldn’t ward off for days.” She ended with a kind expression, perhaps thinking to soften the blow.

  “Not so far from the truth,” I observed mildly.

  Kiara’s grip tightened around my hands. “No,” she whispered. “No,” she repeated more fiercely. “I was uncertain of what would be, but I haven’t thought twice about my decision. Even less when you were the one to greet me.”

  “Me?” I questioned, unsure of how it was possible that I could have played any role in easing her worries.

  “You,” Kiara confirmed. “I know without doubt that it was a man, not a monster or beast, who welcomed me my first day here. Perhaps it was a man with a lingering darkness, an unexplained shadow ducking about him, but a man nonetheless. There was no beast that I could make hide or tail of.”

  “Then you are a fool,” I warned her, “and the beast will make sure you know it.”

  She shook her head adamantly. “You are only a man, Azahr. Just a man.”

  I stared at her in shock, utterly taken aback by her assessment of me. Was it possible that such a person could really exist? That someone so pure and beautiful could look upon me without recoiling? How could it be that someone I’d only known a few short weeks had chosen to see the lingering remnants of my humanity over the totality of my darkness? And if her claims of darkness were true, then how could she ignore the troubled creature before her? Surely she wasn’t blind to the man she was speaking with. Surely she saw how much he lost to the darkness each time he battled it.

  I hardly knew what to make of it when she pressed an earnest hand to my cold, rough cheek for just a brief, earth quaking moment and pleaded, “Don’t turn away.”

  I couldn’t fathom why not.

  But there she was before me, glowing with that inner warmth, a goodness I clung to like a man his final breath. So, instead of pushing her away, instead of giving back her freedom, and ordering her far away from me, chasing her out of my castle and away from my heart so she would be safe to live out the rest of her stubborn, yet bright and glorious days in peace, I placed my wrapped and damaged hand over the one she hadn’t pulled from my cheek quickly enough.

  I looked into her deep brown eyes and nodded, giving her silent reassurance that I would try. I had made her mistress of my castle after all. I had to honor her request.

  She nodded too and even as she took her hand back, the moment lingered. Perhaps, that was what gave her courage to finally ask the inevitable.

  “Azahr,” she tentatively began, “when you were…when you were gone, the servants were talking about ‘His Highness.’”

  I was too flush from her warmth then to be upset at the breach of the most specific command I had given my servants to obey.

  “And?” I turned the unasked question onto her.

  Kiara nodded. “So you are him,” she said more than asked. “I had suspected.”

  “Then why not ask sooner?” I questioned.

  Kiara shrugged. “I didn’t think it my place,” she replied carefully. “That I would be told in time.”

  “Now is as good as ever,” I allowed.

  The enormity of my title, and our present positions, must have hit her then, because she suddenly pulled away.

  “Forgive me, Your Highness—” she stumbled up, probably to curtsy and take her leave, but I stopped her.

  “Azahr,” I reminded her. “Just a man, as you said.”

  “Prince Azahr,” she tried again.

  “Azahr,” I insisted.

  No titles, no expectations, no numerals to mark my place in history.

  “Azahr,” she conceded.

  “Kiara,” I replied.

  A faint smile tugged at her lips, asking permission to be set free. I noticed and encouraged it with a shy grin of my own. Seeing it, her smile came loose, and once again, if only for a brief respite, we were just a man and a woman.

  And a beast.

  Human Again

  Another snow fell a few weeks later, blanketing the world in a pure white layer of shimmering ice crystals, making the cold of this earth much more inviting than the cold inside me. Even if I finally had a thought to send Kiara home then, it wouldn’t have been safe to travel in that kind of weather, not with winter decidedly settling in. For good or otherwise, she was stuck with us until the thaw, at least.

  By then my hands were fully healed, and the incident that had brought about their injury largely forgotten. Though, since the day I had awoken to find Kiara at my side, something shifted between us. From the outset, I had made her mistress of my castle, but even then, it never felt genuine as the pervading reality of captor and prisoner persisted. Things had changed since then, enough that I would call us friends, or at least two people with a somewhat warm relationship who enjoyed their time together. In those months, Kiara truly adopted the castle as her own, its true mistress who could come and go at her leisure.

  Obviously, I never let her go out alone, but I provided her a horse and free rein to move about the castle grounds as much as she pleased. I would not stop her as long as she didn’t try to go too far. I didn’t know then, as the snow floated from the sky and blocked most of the roads, if she yearned to return home. I was never brave enough to bring it up and it was difficult to tell from her demeanor, as she was always smiling, always positive, always glowing with an inner sparkle that so entranced the beast.

  One memorable morning, I was standing in the front parlor, watching thick flakes of snow gently glide from the sky to the ground below. I was particularly drawn to the ones covering the skeletons of the rose bushes outside, those very plants that had grown so much in significance to me since the misguided merchant had picked one to fulfill his youngest daughter’s innocent request. Until that day, they had simply been part of the landscape, an oft overlooked decoration dwelt upon only by whoever cared for them. Now, my eyes automatically sought them out every time I looked out that window, and each time I thought about how much they’d brought me. I, for one, would never overlook them again.

  I was standing thusly absorbed when I made out Kiara’s soft tread coming my way. I didn’t turn until she called to me, relishing each moment her footsteps deliberately sought me. I wouldn’t admit it to myself, couldn’t fathom such a thing in the heart I knew to still be ice, but I was growing incredibly fond of Kiara. My initial captivation with her was developing into a care and regard that went much deeper than first sight.

  If someone would have told me then that Kiara’s heart was warming up to me as well, I would have laughed uproariously.

  Then I would have torn him to pieces.

  I didn’t shift until she came to stand beside me, then glanced over at her with a welcoming smile, inviting her to watch the falling snow beside me. Although having her so close meant I could hardly look outside anymore. She just reached my chest and yet I was so conscious of her presence, like a fire warm and soothing.

  “Azhar?”

  “What can I do for you?”

  “I’m told there are a number of villages not far from the castle,” she began.

  I turned to give her my full attention, eyeing her curiously. “There are,” I confirmed.

  “Are they prosperous?” she asked.

  I shrugged. “Like every other village,” I replied. “Some families do well
, others do not.”

  “And who takes care of those who don’t?” she asked. “Who schools the children of poor families who must also work? Who teaches them to read and write?”

  “That is the concern of the village leaders,” I replied. “And if it proves beyond their means and abilities, they may petition their noblemen, who may in turn petition the Crown.”

  “But you’re the Crown,” Kiara pointed out.

  “Not yet,” I reminded her.

  “You will be one day,” she insisted.

  “That remains to be seen,” I told her honestly, though she couldn’t have fully understood my meaning. “Until then, I cannot act in place of my father.”

  Kiara’s eyes widened then narrowed again as she pursed her lips disapprovingly. I don’t know what she would have said if she hadn’t stopped herself, but it would have been interesting to see her lose her cool, even if just for a little bit. Perhaps it was a morbid side of me that wanted to know how anger looked on someone so kind and beautiful, to witness how she handled frustration and disappointment and upset. I wondered if any level of her outrage could ever compare to mine. If perhaps the form of her anger in any way reflected the dark past she’d referred to.

  “Don’t the people know you’re here?” Kiara questioned. “Surely they can see the smoke rising from the chimneys each morning; surely they know there are people about. You can speak to your father for them.”

  “The king has a war on his mind at the moment,” I replied mildly, surprised at how controlled my voice sounded considering as I was now hearing faint echoes of a barking dog. “And the people think I’m away more often than I’m here. That the castle is haunted by a vicious beast. A monstrous creature who roars at the moon and will devour them whole should they ever come near.”

  “But it isn’t true!” Kiara cried.

  “Isn’t it?” I rejoined. “Have you already forgotten what you’ve seen and the words your own father used to describe me?”

  Kiara shook her head at me. “They’re wrong.” She was adamant. “You and I can show them.”

  “No, we will not,” I insisted sharply. “Not until this wretched curse is broken.”

  I clamped my mouth shut and turned back to the window, but it was too late. I had spoken of something she never should have heard, and there was no taking back the words once released. Inside, my self-loathing began to simmer, the scent of burning pride teasing the beast enough so it stirred with interest.

  “What curse?” Kiara asked in a small voice.

  “Forget I said anything,” I hurried to say, this time turning toward the door so I could get away from her and all the goodness and purity she represented.

  I berated myself silently, cursing my stupidity and lack of control around her. What kind of man was I to be losing myself so before a woman? A woman I’d known less than two months. I shuddered inwardly. What had I done revealing such a truth to her? I would never forgive myself if the darkness found her, too, if her soul was tainted by mere association with my scarred and blackened one.

  “Azhar?” Kiara inquired gently.

  “It’s none of your concern,” I said coldly, making to stride from the room.

  The beast was tossing about within me, gaining strength from my sudden irritation with Kiara. Why would she want me to make myself known to the villages? Could she not understand how dangerous it was for everyone if I lost control for even one moment? Perhaps I should have been flattered by Kiara’s faith in me, but I was livid. She was denying the truth of who I was, as if enough smiles and goodwill could cure me completely. Didn’t she understand that I couldn’t be trusted?

  What infuriated me even more was the sudden thought that her denial to accept what I was would prevent her from being able to help me. How could she if she refused to acknowledge the truth of what was going on inside me? Even after seeing it for herself. Even after she’d surely seen the signs all over the grounds, in the quaking of servants, in the broken, splintered pieces of lives and furniture littering the castle.

  By then, the beast had smelled the world outside and decided it was time for a visit. I had to get away before she could see it overtake me again.

  I don’t know how she moved so quickly, but somehow she caught up my hand before I had a chance to leave the room and her gentle touch stayed me for a moment. But only a moment.

  “I want to help,” she said, the look on her face, the tone of her voice pleading with me not to give in, not to transform into the hideous monster her father had spoken of. The one she’d willingly submitted her freedom to.

  Beads of sweat pooled on my forehead as I strained to contain the beast long enough to make sure Kiara would be safe from it. My hand was growing colder in hers as ice began to form in my slowly freezing veins. It was impossible for her not to feel it.

  “You are mistress of this house,” I reminded her, my voice grating against my throat as I forced it to come out before human speech was lost to me. “Gather what you need, take what you want. Jaxel or Kellan can guide you into the villages. Take Ms. Potsdam and Alvie, too, if you wish. Do as you see fit.”

  Her grip on my arm tightened. “But you need them.”

  Why was she still holding onto me? My breath was getting ragged as I fought to hold out just a little longer. I didn’t have much time left. I needed to break away. Now.

  “I—” I could feel the roar coming, and I forced it back down. “I will be here,” my voice cracked as it struggled to form the words, “when you return.”

  I don’t even know if I finished the sentence before I turned away from her completely. My skin was unbearably cold, chilled sweat dripped into my eyes and soaked the shirt on my back. I ripped it off as I ran out of the castle, ran straight for the woods, never slowing even after the trees’ shadows swallowed me. Snow was still falling but it was hardly cold compared to the frigid animal fury building within me.

  I ran and ran and ran, a fierce howl of rage emerging from me each time I paused to catch a breath. I didn’t stop running until I reached a clearing, an unexpected, flat expanse of meadow where I could not ruin my hands trying to uproot trees. The frozen ground was similarly safe from me.

  Such thoughts, such a deliberate decision, made me abruptly realize that I was truly no longer safe from whatever had been feeding on me. Granted, it had been over a year and a half since I’d been exiled following the faery’s curse. The beast had overtaken me time and time again since then, often in ways that I could no longer remember afterward. There was so much damage in the castle, so much ruin in the forest around me, and all of it done when the beast shut out my rational mind and took control. Usually I only knew what had happened once the darkness had subsided, once the shadows had ducked back into their corners and light illuminated the wreckage it so carelessly left behind.

  This time was different, however, and not just because it had been Kiara who had awakened my anger. This was one of the first times my conscious mind was fully aware during a spell of complete rage. Even having lost my tightly-held control, I was completely cognizant of what I was doing, but not because my humanity had grown stronger. The clarity I felt then, the cool calculation that led to a stop on a little hill instead of somewhere within the forest where I could dispose of my anger, was a sign that the end was even nearer. I hadn’t chosen the clearing, the beast had. The beast that fed and grew strong on desolation was taking control of itself, no longer needing to subdue me as it could simply push me aside. Kiara was right. I was just a man, a man hopeless, heartless, and without half a chance at rescuing his humanity.

  The forest surrounding the meadow seemed darker that day, its very heart thudding a depressing, ominous beat. I kept catching sight of movement out of the corner of my eye and whipping around only to find nothing there. My demons toyed with me, calling out to me then melting into the boughs of the clawing trees as soon as I turned to face them.

  Standing there, thinking of how narrowly I had escaped Kiara before she could be harmed, I s
aw what my future would be like if I couldn’t break the curse. I would never appear to be a beast, but it would slowly hollow me out until anger was all that was left of me. I would be a man without remorse, a man without compassion, a man whose very soul had abandoned him rather than remain within him any longer. I would view the world through the ice of my heart, then I would destroy it, and all those around me, in the frost of my cold and calculating rage.

  My hands began to shake, my knees began to tremble, and I fell to the ground as the realization fully formed. Would I ever revel in a challenge of intellect again? Would I ever enjoy the flavor of fine foods, of rich and aged wines? Would I ever find pleasure in the colorful bursts of sunset, in the rainbow of a sweetly scented garden? Would I recognize Kiara for who and what she was? Would I know goodness if it ever cared to call upon me once more?

  Such a fate would be far worse than death, I decided, and I wondered yet again if the beast would let me take my own life once I sunk that far. Would I even recall enough of who I was supposed to be to want to?

  I stayed for hours in that clearing as my thoughts chased each other between the fragments of my mind. All the while, the beast watched and rumbled happily, sneering, its lips pulled back to reveal the fine points of its sharp white fangs. It truly was a monster. For all the weeks that Kiara had been in the castle, I had believed that maybe she could tame it, that maybe she was enough to keep it in its place. I still wouldn’t admit that she wasn’t, still refused to believe that her will wasn’t enough to battle the darkness that overtook me each time I couldn’t keep from giving in. He was a clever beast, I realized, and wasn’t one to be duped by shiny metals.

  At the same time, I wasn’t fool enough to think that subduing a beast and getting rid of it altogether were the same thing. I had very clearly heard the words of the faery, and if I had any doubts, Yarrow’s long ago, now seemingly prophetic words, confirmed it. Untold damage would be wrought if a wild beast was caged too long.

  I wasn’t misguided enough to think I could defeat it and put myself back together on my own. I knew very well that I would need all the help I could get, just as Yarrow had predicted. As the beast calmed enough to allow my rational mind space to think again, I concluded that Kiara was my only real chance, even as I feared for her safety the longer she stayed. I would never tell her as much, and I definitely didn’t think I could ever make her love me, but if there was just some way I could get her to accept me, all of me, and to admit as much out loud, perhaps that could be enough.