Love Means Everything

by Emma Easter

  After Audrey and Ken bought a bigger house to stay in whenever they were in Rosefield, he’d immediately moved in with them when they’d asked him to. He loved this new house. It was big enough to live comfortably without getting into Ken or Audrey’s way. Still, he loved when Audrey was around. She was such great company, and it felt like he’d known her all his life.

  She smiled at him. “Hey! What’s up, Faizan? You look worried about something.” She opened the fridge, brought out a half-eaten sandwich, and put it in the microwave. She looked up at him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  He exhaled. “I would. Unfortunately, there is nothing anyone can do to help.” She smiled sadly. The microwave began to ding and she opened it and brought out her sandwich. “It’s about Zainah, isn’t it? The girl you’ve been telling me about. You miss her.”

  “Every single day,” he said.

  Audrey took his hand and led him out of the kitchen. “You’ll feel better if you talk about it,” she said to him. They entered the living room together and she sat on the couch. He sat next to her.

  “Now, tell me how you are feeling, Faizan.”

  In spite of himself, he smiled at his sister. Even though he was older than her, she had a way of speaking to him as though he were the younger sibling; as though it was her duty to protect him, instead of the other way around. And he indulged her. He’d lived a life of violence—constantly protecting himself while hurting others. She, on the other hand, had lived most of her life protecting others while putting her own life in danger.

  She tucked her legs under her and turned to face him fully.

  “I dreamt just now that Zainah had been captured by some very bad people and was calling out to me to help her, but I couldn’t. I know she’s not really in physical danger. I think it’s because I want to be her hero. I want to feel like she needs me even though she doesn’t.” He sighed sadly and looked down at the carpeted floor. He looked up at Audrey again and said, “What tears me apart is knowing that she loves me too, but we will never be together because of the vow she made to God.”

  Audrey touched his arm. “I’m so sorry, Faizan. I know I can’t say I understand how you feel, but I can only say you should pray and ask the Lord to help you get over her. There might be some other girl out there for you. If you meet her now, you will not be able to let her in until you completely let go of Zainah.”

  Faizan shut his eyes briefly and opened them again. “I don’t think I want to meet some other girl.”

  “You don’t have a choice, unless you want to be alone for the rest of your life.”

  “Maybe that will be for the better.”

  “No… I think the Lord will soon bring someone into your life. You have so much love to give, Faizan, because you are such a passionate person. Any girl you end up falling in love with will be truly lucky. She’ll definitely feel well loved.”

  He smiled widely. “Well… thank you, sis. But I guess you are supposed to say that because you are my sister.”

  “No… I said it because it’s true.”

  He ran his hand through his hair. “Still, I just don’t think I can forget about Zainah.” He looked away as an idea came to him and then turned back to Audrey. “When will Ken come to Rosefield?”

  “In a few days. Why?”

  “I’m going crazy thinking about Zainah every day. Even though I said the best thing for me would be to stay away from her since we can’t be together, I just can’t. I need to see her now. I don’t want to speak with my handler, Jake, directly. Since Ken is somewhat friendly with him, I want him to help me find out if I can be provided with certain things I would need in order to go visit Zainah.”

  Audrey frowned and looked up, her face thoughtful. “Umm… I guess you could ask him.”

  Faizan nodded.

  “And how long are you planning to stay when you go?”

  “Not long. I’ll probably not be allowed to stay past a few days to a week. That was the agreement I made with the CIA.”

  Audrey smiled at him and took his hand. “Are you sure going to see her is the best decision?”

  “Yes,” Faizan said, looking quizzically at Audrey. “I am.”

  “I know how difficult it can be to be apart from the one you love,” Audrey said. “But your case is so heartbreaking since it seems you have no hope of ever being with her. I think I understand why you need to see her, but I am afraid of what will happen when you do see her again.”

  He frowned. “What do you mean?” “All the feelings you have for her will be multiplied once you see her face to face. It will be really hard not to be able to act on those feelings.” She paused for a second and then continued. “Ken and I went through something like that, except we knew we would get to act on our feelings one day. You, on the other hand, never will.”

  His heart twisted with pain at her words.

  “I’m sorry,” Audrey said. “I know how painful it all sounds. I just don’t want you to be hurt, that’s all. If you believe that going to see her is what you have to do, then by all means, go and see her.”

  Faizan sighed wearily. Audrey was right. Zainah had made it clear that she couldn’t break her vow. And he would never ask her to. However, he had to see her and hear her voice. And maybe she would let him hug her. If his heart got broken more than it was now, then so be it. He reached out and hugged Audrey briefly. “Thanks for choosing to sit and talk with me instead of going back to sleep.”

  “You are welcome.” She rose up. “I have to be at the station early tomorrow.”

  After she left the living room, Faizan exhaled. He would tell Ken about his request once he’d arrived in Rosefield. Hopefully, it would be granted quickly so he could prepare to leave for the Middle East as soon as possible.

  A thread of excitement went through him as he imagined the look on Zainah’s face when she saw him. He had missed her terribly and he was sure she had missed him too. Even though he would not be able to declare his love for her in the way he might want to, hopefully he would find the right words and actions that would let her know he still loved her. He would try to make sure she knew that she would stay in his heart forever.

  Chapter Two

  Sienna left the tiny bungalow she shared with Bryan and got into her car. Since it was a Saturday and she didn’t have classes at the Bible College, she decided to go to the pharmacy. She got there in less than five minutes, bought the pregnancy tests she wanted, and left. She got into her car and placed the tests on the passenger seat. As she drove back to the house, she prayed earnestly that the tests would prove what she’d been hoping and praying for.

  She nervously gripped the steering wheel as she drove. The month before, she’d been upset, just like the months before when her monthly period had come on the exact date it was supposed to. This month, it hadn’t. Even though she had only missed her period this month, she’d been praying so hard for a baby, she could only believe that God had finally answered her prayer. If it wasn’t so, she would be terribly disappointed… again.

  She finally parked her car in front of the bungalow, entered the house, and immediately went to the bathroom with the pregnancy tests. She was glad Bryan was still at the campus, as she wanted to keep whatever results she got from the tests to herself for now. If it was good news, she wanted to surprise him with it. If it wasn’t, then she wanted to mourn on her own.

  Quickly, she followed the directions on the test packet and peed on the stick. Nervously, she laid it aside and waited, her heart drumming.

  Her mind went back to Bryan. They’d been married for over a year and it had been the best year of her life. She loved him more now than she did when they got married. She was still in the Bible College, but he had graduated a month before. He still wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. He went to his office at the chapel almost every day to pray and seek God’s direction for his life. As for her, she knew exactly what she wanted to do now and for the years to come. She wanted to be a mother.

  Her drea
m was to have half a dozen kids with Bryan, and raise them in a big house in Rosefield. She had already started to look at several properties and actually had two in mind that she really loved. If she was pregnant, she and Bryan could begin to house hunt until they found the perfect house they both loved. Hopefully, by the time she graduated the following year, they would have found one, so they could move there immediately.

  Her heart raced as she turned around and picked up the pregnancy test. She shut her eyes, took a deep breath, and whispered, “Lord, please let it be positive.”

  She opened an eye and anxiously peeked at the test. Two lines.

  Her heart instantly soared. I’m pregnant?

  She fully opened her eyes and looked at the pregnancy test again. It truly showed she was pregnant. She screamed and began to do a silly dance. “I’m pregnant! Thank you, Lord!”

  A minute later, she forced herself to calm down. I have to do this again just to be sure. She picked up the other pregnancy test, followed the instructions, and then waited for the results. Five minutes later, she picked it up and looked at it. It showed the same result as the first one. She was indeed carrying her first child.

  Her eyes flooded with tears of joy, and she briefly raised her hands in worship to God. She left the bathroom and went into the living room, ecstatic. She couldn’t wait for Bryan to come back so she could share the good news with him.

  She sat on the couch and pictured her life in the coming years. She and Bryan would be living in Rosefield with their children. Waves of excitement washed over her as she pictured her kids growing up with their aunts and cousins. She could see her daughters playing with Ruby and Audrey’s kids. They would all be so happy.

  She smiled as an idea came to her. She and Bryan still had the same tradition they’d started when they got married. Whenever she came home before him, she waited in the living room until he was back, and vice versa. They had dinner together, cuddled on the couch and chatted about their day. And then they both went to bed together. These days, Bryan had taken to carrying her to their room while she giggled and pretended to protest.

  She went to the bedroom, opened her drawer and brought out a tube of wrapping paper and some ribbons that were left over from Christmas. She went back to the living room, wrapped up the pregnancy tests, and tied them up with a ribbon. Her heart raced with excitement as she settled on the couch again and looked at the clock on the wall. It was almost five-thirty. Bryan would be back in about thirty minutes. She couldn’t wait to give him his gift. He would be so excited. He wanted to be a father as much as she wanted to be a mother and they had been waiting for this for more than a year.

  “He’ll make such an awesome dad,” she whispered, smiling.

  She looked impatiently at the clock again, sighed and said softly, “Hurry home, Bryan, my love. I have great news for you.”

  *****

  Bryan sighed wearily and stood up from his knees. Once again, he’d heard nothing from the Lord about what he was supposed to do with his life now that he had graduated from the Bible College. For the umpteenth time since he’d begun to seek the Lord for direction, he chided himself. He’d been so absorbed with campus life and then his relationship with Sienna that throughout the time he was in school, he hadn’t bothered to seek God about the future.

  I guess I always assumed I would just know what I’m meant to do once I graduated. But things had not turned out like that at all. He had no idea what he was meant to do with his life.

  He began to gather his notebooks and Bible, preparing to go home. Sienna would be waiting for him in the living room now. He couldn’t wait to see her. She was the one source of joy when he felt discouraged… just like today. Whenever he got home and poured out his heart to her about his lack of direction, she always had a word of encouragement for him. Best of all, she always held him and kissed him until he forgot all his worries. Next to the Lord, she was everything to him.

  He sighed as he picked up his Bible. “Lord, why won’t you speak to me?” he cried in frustration. He’d never really had problems hearing God’s voice clearly. It was the Lord who had led him to the Bible College. But now he’d been praying for over a month, asking for God’s plan for his life, and he’d heard nothing at all. He’d begun to wonder if he had offended the Lord in some way.

  He walked to the door and just as he made to open it, his Bible slipped from his hand and fell on the floor. He immediately stooped to pick it up and then his eyes widened in astonishment and he backed away in fear. His Bible was open, but it was the finger pointing at the open Bible that made his heart thud wildly.

  He swallowed, tentatively came closer to his Bible again, and stooped to gape at the strange sight before him. The finger was plain, but it was there; it was a see-through finger made of light pointing at a verse in his Bible. He had heard God’s voice often enough, and had even heard the Lord’s audible voice. But he had never seen something like this before. He bit his lip and reluctantly looked away from the finger to the verse it was pointing to. Immediately, the finger disappeared.

  His pulse raced as he read the verse aloud. It was the nineteenth verse of the book of Matthew, in the twenty-eighth chapter. “Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost.” His emotions roiled as he read the next verse. “Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.”

  He stopped and put his hands on his head as he trembled. He felt overwhelmed as he recalled clearly the day this passage of the Bible had jumped out at him.

  It was a few years before, a couple of days after he’d enrolled in the Bible College. It was the one and only time he had asked the Lord what he was meant to do after he’d finished at the college. It was so strange that he had forgotten all about it.

  He had gone to his room in the college, opened the Bible, and found this scripture. The words had immediately stood out and he had read it slowly. Immediately after reading it, the Lord had whispered in his heart like he usually did: “After you graduate, you are to go and live in whatever country I lead you to, and teach them about walking closely with me and hearing my voice clearly.”

  Bryan had blinked rapidly. “Go and live in another country… like a missionary?” At that time, he just couldn’t imagine living elsewhere. He loved his hometown and he wanted to be close to his family in Green Valley. The idea of moving out of his town scared him, not to talk of moving to another country.

  He had put the instruction away, hoping the Lord would forget about it. But He apparently hadn’t.

  Bryan couldn’t bring himself to ask the Lord what country He had in mind now. His mind went to Sienna and how she would feel if he told her they had to move. They had talked a lot about moving to Rosefield once she graduated. She was always excited at the prospect of starting a family there.

  He didn’t mind moving there anymore, especially as Rosefield was near to Green Valley. For her, he would move anywhere. Now, even though it would be difficult for him, he would have quickly moved to another country in obedience to God except for the fact that he had Sienna to think about. He couldn’t imagine telling her they had to move to another country. She was a sweet girl and shattering her dreams of living and raising their kids in the town she loved so much felt like an abomination to him. But if the Lord wanted them to move, he really didn’t have a choice.

  And yet…

  He covered his face with his hands and shook his head. “Lord, why now? Please help me.” He knelt down on the floor and stayed there for a long time, listening for the Lord’s voice. But he heard nothing. At last, he stood on his feet. He had to get home before Sienna began to worry about him. He would come back tomorrow. He still had some more praying to do. He needed to find out exactly where the Lord wanted them to go. But first of all, he needed to pray for courage before he shared the news with Sienna. Maybe the Lord would provide a miracle for him and she would ta
ke the news well.

  As he got into his car and drove home, he couldn’t shake the images flooding his mind; images of Sienna spiraling down a pit of anxiety and depression, the way she had before they’d gotten married. He desperately prayed again, “Please, Lord, let her take it well.” Because if she didn’t, how would he choose between obeying God and his wife’s happiness?

  *****

  Sienna frowned as her mind flooded with worry. He had never been this late before. She dialed Bryan’s number again, put her cellphone to her ear, and listened with growing unease as his line rang and rang. It stopped ringing and she stared at her phone in frustration.

  Where are you, Bryan?

  She dialed his number again and then looked up as the door handle twisted. Bryan entered the house and she gasped. She flew to him and hugged him tightly. Drawing back slightly, she kissed him on the lips and then frowned. He looked slightly worried. “What is it, honey?” she asked him.

  He placed his forehead against hers and smiled. “It’s nothing, Sienna. How are you?”

  She searched his eyes. There was something bothering him. He had that look on his face that let her know he was troubled about something but didn’t want to worry her with whatever it was. She opened her mouth to ask again what the problem was, but he brushed his nose against hers and said, “You looked really cheery when I came in, like you had something to tell me.” He moved back and took her hands in his. “Now, let me know what you are hiding, sweetie.” He kissed the back of her left hand and then her right.

  She didn’t say anything for a second, and then she smiled widely, unable to keep her good news to herself anymore. Once he heard her news, it would hopefully chase away the cloud of worry on his face. “Okay, hold on a minute.” She removed her hands from his, went to get the pregnancy test she had wrapped up, and handed it to him.