by Emma Easter
She answered, “Yes. Because I know you are worth it. I know that when you love, it’s intense, true, and strong. And I want that. Since you’ve told me that you and the woman you love now will never be able to be together for whatever reason, I will gladly stick around and show you just how much I care about you, until you start to feel the same way about me. I’ll pray every day that you will come to love me as much as you love Zainah now.”
He gaped at her as he absorbed the intensity of her words and the look in her eyes.
She smiled sadly at him and said, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Faizan.” She opened the door and stepped out of the car. Shutting it, she walked away.
His eyes followed her until she disappeared out of sight, and then he realized he’d been holding his breath as she spoke. He exhaled and started his car. He drove home thinking about what she’d said. Was he holding on to his love for Zainah, even though he knew there was no future for them, because he wanted to punish himself for his many sins? Maybe it was truly time to let her go and focus on what, or rather, who he had right now. Lauren was a great girl and she wasn’t afraid to tell him how she felt about him.
Lord, please show me what to do, he prayed silently.
He got home and went straight to his room to change into something more comfortable. As he put on a white T-shirt, his cellphone vibrated in his pocket. He brought it out and clicked on the message icon on the screen. And then his heart sank. The message was from Jake and it read: Faizan, someone was sent to check that women’s camp you talked about. Your Zainah wasn’t there. The man we sent was told that she left the camp weeks ago for an unknown destination. She hasn’t been seen since then.
He slowly sat on the bed as his insides twisted. Lord, where can she be?
An intense fear gripped him as his mind flooded with images of her dead somewhere, her body bloating under the desert sun. He shook his head to try to clear his mind of the gruesome image, but it remained.
He cried out, “Lord, please protect her. I love her so much!”
Get a hold of yourself, man! He took a deep breath. Maybe she had finally decided to leave the camp because she missed the outside world or her family. But his mind wouldn’t agree. She’d told him once that she would never leave the camp.
But then again, she could have changed her mind. And if she had changed her mind, where exactly had she gone? Again, the fear that she was hurt returned, and he shut his eyes. All he could do now was pray that she was safe and that she would go back to the camp; because if she didn’t, he might never have the chance to see or speak to her again.
*****
Zainahentered the small, unpainted house with her heart beating fast. She looked around her surroundings as the woman of the house, a strict-looking young woman, told her to take a seat. Compared to the Rahmanis, this house looked like an empty cubicle. She hadn’t expected the house to be this small, or the surroundings so bare.
She’d heard about a woman who was searching for a nanny and housekeeper from one of the members of the prayer group she attended with Fatima. The lady from the prayer group had told her she didn’t know the woman looking for a nanny personally, but had heard about her from a relative. She had given Zainah the relative’s number and the girl she’d spoken to over the phone had, in turn, given her this woman’s number. When Zainah had called, the woman had given her an address and invited her over for an informal interview.
The young woman, shrouded in a hijab, said to her, “So, Rekia told me you have no experience working as a nanny. How are you going to know how to take care of three children?”
“I have never worked as a nanny officially, but I have taken care of children regularly. For years, I lived in a place where there were a number of children whose mothers sometimes left them with me while they went to attend to their chores. I also have some experience with nursing and tending to sick children. I think I can be an asset in that regard.”
The woman looked slightly impressed by that, but her stern countenance remained. “And I was told you worked for a well-known family in this town but left after only a few weeks. May I ask why?”
Zainah cringed inwardly. There was no way she was going to tell this woman what had really led to her fleeing her former job. She feared that she would not be believed, so she said simply, “My employer requested of me something I could never give.”
The woman narrowed her eyes and stared at Zainah for a full minute. Zainah held her breath, hoping she wouldn’t continue to probe. At last, the woman asked if she could start immediately, and Zainah heaved a sigh of relief.
“Yes, definitely!” Zainah answered.
The woman nodded and then told her how much she would pay Zainah monthly.
Zainah blinked in surprise as it was a really small amount. She had earned more than three times that amount in her last job. Even though this house was much smaller and therefore would be easier to clean than the Rahmanis’, she was also supposed to be a nanny.
The woman looked at her expectantly.
Zainah thought about it for a few seconds and then nodded in agreement. It wasn’t like she had a choice. The money she had saved from her last job was all but gone. And, she was desperate to start saving money to hire the investigator so he could search for Faizan.
“Good,” the woman said. “Before you start, you will want to know the house rules.” She began to list out a number of rules, from how to relate with her children to the exact way she wanted her house to look at all times. Zainah listened politely, taking note of all the rules.
“Everyone goes to the mosque together on Fridays. No exceptions,” the woman said.
Zainah’s heart jumped and she bit her lip. The woman did not know she was a Christian and Zainah had not intended to make it known. She wasn’t going to stay in the house and so she had thought that the issue of their different faiths would never come up.
Her heart raced as the woman finally stopped reeling out her rules and asked Zainah if she had any questions. If she said that she was a Christian and therefore could not go to the mosque, this woman would probably reject her on the spot. She’d been searching for weeks without success. Where would she find an opportunity for another job? However, there was no way she was going to the mosque. And she intended to attend church as usual every Sunday and on weekdays, too. Would this woman stand for that or would she want her working on Sundays? Probably the latter.
She finally spoke up. “I’m so sorry for wasting your time,” she said to the woman. “I don’t think this will work for me.”
The woman’s eyes widened in obvious surprise. “Why not?”
Zainah stood up. “It would violate my faith,” she said. “I have to go. Thanks for your time.” She fled the house before the woman could say anything more. All the way home, she felt like crying. She’d held out so much hope for this job. Where would she find another?
She kept praying as she walked the long distance to Fatima’s. When she finally entered the house, she flopped down on the sofa and sighed wearily.
Fatima came out of the kitchen and looked at her. “Oh no, Zainah. You didn’t get it? I’m so sorry.”
Zainah shook her head. “I did.” She sighed again.
“Then what happened?” Fatima asked with a curious expression on her face.
“The woman of the house wanted me to go to the mosque with her and her family every Friday. I told her the job wouldn’t work for me.”
Fatima sat down beside Zainah and put her hand on her shoulder. “That’s too bad. I’m really sorry. What will you do now? You know you can stay here as long as you like, though. For now, I’ll manage with the rent.”
Zainah shook her head. “I won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t help you out somehow. You have the children’s needs to think about. I also need to get a job as soon as possible so I can hire that investigator.”
Fatima nodded. “I know. I’ll keep searching for you, Zainah. Don’t worry about it. The Lord will make a way.” She sto
od up and went back into the kitchen.
Fatima’s youngest kids, eight-year-old Yasmine and seven-year-old Youcef, ran into the living room. They began to head to the door, jumping and laughing. Fatima came out of the kitchen and called to them. “Where are you both going?”
“To play outside,” they chorused.
“No, you are not! Lunch is ready. Wait until you finish eating before going out to play.”
Without grumbling, they went to their rooms, and Zainah marveled, as she’d done so many times, at how well behaved they were.
She went into the kitchen to help Fatima with lunch and said to her, “When I have children, I want them to be as well behaved as yours are.” Her mind went to Faizan again and she pictured what their children would look like. “I need to find him, Fatima.”
Fatima looked at her and smiled. “You will, and from what you have told me about him, you both will make beautiful babies together.”
Zainah felt her face grow hot from embarrassment. If she was as fair as Faizan, she would be blushing now.
Fatima laughed. “You look like a child who has just been caught stealing meat from her mother’s pot. You don’t have to look so embarrassed. Making children with one’s husband is a very natural thing.”
Zainah smiled, still feeling self-conscious. She said, “I hope Faizan still feels the same way about me as I do him. I really want to be his wife.”
“Of course he does. From what you’ve said about him, I believe he is a loyal person and someone who loves passionately. He will propose to you immediately when you tell him you are free to be with him. I promise.”
Zainah’s heart soared and then it crashed again as she remembered her dilemma. “It won’t happen if I don’t find him. This outside world is so unpredictable. He might fall in love with someone else soon.”
“Stop it!” Fatima said as she stirred her soup on the stove. “That won’t happen.”
Zainah forced herself to smile. “I guess I’m just worrying about so many things.”
“You need to stop and concentrate on finding a job now. I wish I could help make that happen, but unfortunately, I can’t. Still, I’ll keep asking around.”
Zainah said nothing more and they continued to cook together in silence. But her emotions roiled as she helped cook the meal. What if her concerns were not just silly fears? What if Faizan met some other girl and fell in love with her?
She continued to worry as she put the food on the table with Fatima. She was quiet throughout the meal with the family, and she went to her room after the meal, still troubled. When Leila came back to the house, she told her about her worries even though they hardly talked these days.
“I told you to go to your family and ask for the money you need, but you refused. By now, you would have paid the investigator to find Faizan if you had listened to me. I’ll go with you if you want.”
Zainah thought about what Leila had said as she lay down to sleep. She’d dismissed Leila’s suggestion the last time she’d brought it up, but this time, she had to admit that there really might be little else left to do. It was probably time to start planning on going to visit her family in her little community.
Leila was probably right. She’d been gone for years now. Her family loved her. Surely, they would be so grateful to have her back home that they would not trouble her about her Christian faith anymore. Besides, she would not stay there for long. Once she got the money from her father, she would leave so she could start her search for Faizan.
Chapter Fourteen
Trisha forced a smile as Stan kissed her on the cheek.
“I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said.
She nodded and then pressed her lips together as he stared at her. After a minute, he gave a long sigh, frustration etched on his face, and then left the house. She heaved a sigh of relief and then put a hand on her forehead. Without a doubt, he had been expecting her to tell him she loved him too. He had asked her why she hadn’t said it a week before and had been bugging her about it ever since.
“I always say ‘I love you,’” he’d said to her two days before, “but you never say it. I know I hurt you terribly in the past, but I’ve apologized and I’m trying to make up for all I did. We are getting married soon. Isn’t it time you left everything behind and confessed your love for me?”
He’d stared at her expectantly, just as he had done now, but she had been unable to bring herself to say the words because it wasn’t how she felt. She didn’t love him; not anymore. But he thought she still did. The worst part of it all was that she’d started to miss Frank. She asked herself every day why she had let go of a man like Frank for Stan.
She suddenly couldn’t breathe as she thought about the decision she was planning to make. How could she marry someone she didn’t love or even trust? The painful memories of Stan’s many affairs came flooding back to her mind. The last betrayal where she’d caught him with another woman in their matrimonial bed suddenly began to play in her mind like a movie. She felt like throwing up, just as she had that day.
“What am I doing, planning to remarry Stan?” she asked herself. She stood up and went into Ruby’s bedroom, just so she could remind herself why she wanted to marry him again. She was doing it because of her daughter.
She stood watching Ruby sleep peacefully in her crib. Ruby had to grow up with her father. That was why she was going to marry Stan even if she didn’t love him anymore. Somehow, she knew Stan would not stay around if she didn’t marry him.
And you still want to marry that kind of man? she silently chided herself. A man who you know will not stay for his own daughter unless he has you, and probably for his ego’s sake?
She felt sick as she thought about it. Because of him, she was at loggerheads with her sister. She missed Audrey terribly. An overwhelming desire to talk to Audrey suddenly swept over her and she quickly went back to the living room. Audrey would be in Miami now, but she would call her.
Trisha picked up her phone from the coffee table to dial Audrey’s number, but she lifted her head when the doorbell rang. She looked at the clock and immediately knew it was Faizan at the door. Right now, she desperately needed someone she could trust to talk to. He wasn’t Audrey, but she enjoyed talking to him. Most of all, he had grown in his faith by leaps and bounds since he’d come to Rosefield. Perhaps he could give her wise counsel concerning her dilemma now.
She opened the door and smiled at Faizan.
“Hey, Faizan!” she said as he walked into the house.
He smiled brightly at her and sat on the couch. “Do you have anything that I could eat? I’m hungry and there is no food in my house.”
She chuckled. “When is there ever food? You only eat home-cooked meals when you are here or Audrey and Ken are in town.”
“True,” he said.
“There’s a chicken sandwich in the fridge. You can warm that up. Or you can eat the leftover lasagna I had for dinner yesterday.”
“I’ll just have the chicken sandwich,” he said, getting up from the couch. Five minutes later, he came back to the living room with his sandwich.
As he ate, she watched him. Finally, she couldn’t keep her problems to herself anymore. She took a deep breath and said to him, “Faizan, I need your advice.”
He looked at her, dropped his half-eaten sandwich onto the plate, and asked, “What about?”
“It’s about Stan,” she sighed, “and Frank. I know I refused your advice before, but I was wrong. It’s just that I felt attacked by you and Audrey. I felt you guys didn’t understand why I wanted to marry Stan.”
Faizan leaned forward and looked her in the eye. “Then make me understand, Trish.”
Her gaze remained steady on him as she told him her reasons for taking Stan back. How losing her parents had caused her to vow that she would not take lightly a household where a mother and father were present.
He leaned back against the chair when she finished and said, “I understand your wanting Ruby’s biolog
ical father to be in her life, but as I told you some time ago, you have to consider the fact that you’ll have to live with him. You should consider your own happiness, too, because if you are not happy, I doubt that Ruby truly will be.”
“But Stan has changed. I see that every day he comes here. I think he has the potential to make me happy as well. It’s just that I can’t get Frank out of my mind.” She exhaled after she said that. She’d been keeping her feelings for Frank under wraps for a long time, especially since she’d agreed to marry Stan, but now, she felt relieved to let it out.
“You are confused about which man to choose?” Faizan asked.
Trisha answered, “Very.”
*****
Faizan quietly asked the Lord for wisdom and then focused on Trisha. “I’m going to ask the Lord to give you clear direction right now about what to do,” Faizan said, leaning forward again. He prayed a brief prayer. “Lord, Trish needs your help right now. She needs your wisdom to know the right man to choose for her future. Please give her wisdom. In Jesus’ name, I pray.”
He smiled and said to her, “Keep your eyes closed, Trish.”
She raised her brows and stared inquisitively at him. “Why?”
“Please, just do it.”
She closed her eyes.
“Now, imagine a future with Stan. Imagine both of you together, with Ruby, as one family, living right here in this house. And then going on trips… maybe visiting Audrey…”
Trisha grunted. “Audrey will tear him apart, Faizan. I don’t think we will be visiting her together.”
“Shh… just imagine it. Audrey is your sister and he has to deal with her if he wants to be in your life. He also has to deal with me.”
“Okay,” she said reluctantly.
“I want you to put that thought away for now, and then replace Stan with Frank.”
She groaned.
“Finally, place both men side by side and compare a future between both of them. What comes to your mind when you think about being married to Stan ten years from now? What about Frank? What emotions do you feel when you think about being married to him ten years from now? Peace, unease, joy…?”