Swamp Happens: The Complete Swamp Bottom Series

by Cora Kenborn

  “Dick whittler! Kevin Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, you get your ass back here right this second!” I screamed, running after him and leaving a stunned Officer Pope standing on the porch. I felt like I was on one of those dog shows on TV, but instead of coaching Kevin through an obstacle course, I was the dog being led around by a fifty-pound pork chop.

  “I should start calling you fucking Houdini. You know better than to run from me like that,” I scolded Kevin when I'd finally managed to catch him. I was still swearing his name when I cleared the rose bushes and the massive porch of the mansion finally came into view.

  “Fine! I don't want a damn thing from you anyway!” My sister’s shrill voice rang out as she yanked the garment bag out of Roland's hands. Good thing they didn't have much in the way of neighbors with the way she was carrying on. Officer Hot Pants was leaning against a giant column watching the scene unfold with his arms crossed in front of his chest and a smirk playing at the corners of his mouth.

  In a flurry of movement, Addie unzipped the bag and tore out a wedding dress. Miles of tulle kicked up in the breeze threatening to engulf her thin frame.

  Her angry, pink face peeked out from the sea of white. “Why would I want to remember a decade of mediocre sex and that god awful screeching noise you make when you come?” She screamed. “You sound like a drunken seal, Roland!”

  Go, Addie!

  With a strength, I didn't know she possessed, my sister gripped the bodice and pulled. A loud ripping sound echoed into the late afternoon air as she Hulked out and tore the top of the dress clean in half.

  Maybe I should try Pilates.

  Throwing the destroyed dress to the porch she turned to Roland. “You might have stolen a decade of my life with empty promises, but I'll be damned if I’ll waste another second of my time thinking about you. Goodbye, Roland, I hope life gives you everything you deserve.”

  Turning on her heels she stomped down the stairs letting the suitcase she pulled behind her thump heavily in her wake. “Come on, Savvy. We're done here.”

  Since we didn't actually have an exit strategy, Pope offered to give us a ride into town, saving us the embarrassment of hoofing it down Sugarbirch’s winding drive.

  Addie's earlier confidence faded, and she sank down in to her seat as we drove through the affluent neighborhood she used to call home. It wasn't the first time I'd taken a ride in the back seat of a cop car, and while we weren't in any trouble, it didn't look good for the disgraced wife of Shreveport's elite.

  “Do you want me to drop you off at a car rental place?” Pope asked, his bright blue eyes darting from the road to the rear-view mirror.

  Addie sighed and ran a hand through her tangled hair. “I left all my credit cards at the manor.”

  Putting a hand on her arm, I gave it a reassuring squeeze. “It's fine. If you could drop us off at a motel, we'll get a room for the night and figure out the rest in the morning.”

  “Sweet Jesus, I've gone from the country club to the truck stop in the span of a week,” Addie grumbled, burying her face in her hands.

  I was about done coddling my spoiled big sister. She hadn’t been born with a silver spoon shoved in her damn mouth. She was born and bred in the swamps of Louisiana, and it was about time she remembered it.

  “Enough with the damn pity party, Addie. I'm not exactly sure when you became a stuck-up bitch, but it's high time someone knocked your ass off that pedestal. So, what if it's not the Ritz with five-thousand thread count sheets? You've had every damn luxury money could buy for the last ten years, and what did it get you? A tool for a husband? Fake friends who’d just as soon stab you in the back as shake your hand? A life apart from a family who, as crazy and unhinged as they are, love you? You were miserable. So, excuse me while I spend the last of my cash to make sure we have a roof over our heads and a warm place to sleep for the night. Shit, Addie, when did you become such an ungrateful twat?”

  Her mouth hung open, lips twitching with the comeback I was sure was on the tip of her tongue. But instead of retaliating with a verbal bitch slap of her own, she snapped her mouth shut and folded her hands neatly on her knees for the rest of the ride.

  “Come on, Addie. You need to learn how to relax. When was the last time you had a little fun?”

  She rolled her eyes and tilted her head to stare at the popcorn ceiling of our motel room. It had taken some coercion on my part, but I’d finally gotten her to agree that sleeping in a dingy motel on the edge of town was better than a park bench.

  “I know how to have fun, Sav. You and I just have different definitions of the word.”

  “I call bullshit. You might have followed the rules, but you weren't always this damn bland.”

  Her brows pulled down hard over her eyes. “What's that supposed to mean?”

  “Look at you! I say we're going to hit up the bar across the street, and you're wearing a blazer for Christ’s sake!”

  “I'll have you know this is a Donna Karan!”

  I cocked a hip and lifted a brow at her haute declaration. “Your nose get sunburned holding it up that close to the sky? You look like you're getting ready to go to a PTA meeting. Here,” I pulled her toward me and yanked the pastel monstrosity off her shoulders, revealing her pale pink sleeveless blouse. Sitting down on the faded floral duvet, I tugged off my black high heel booties and threw them at her, only sort of aiming for her self-righteous face. “Now take off those hideous loafer things and put these on.” Addie shot me a glare that could've cooled all of Louisiana in the middle of July, but did as she was told. “There, see? You can look classy and sexy. You don't have to dress like a damn nun.”

  Pulling a pair of cheap flip flops out of my bag, I slipped them and padded to the bathroom to say goodbye to Kevin.

  “Mommy's got to go show Aunt Addie how to get her groove back. Be good,” I whispered, patting the top of his head for good luck. I’d need it.

  Crossing the small room, I swung the front door open and curtsied. “After you, madam.”

  She huffed and flipped her long auburn hair over her shoulder before marching past me.

  God help us.

  “Hot damn!” A sweaty biker perched on the stool at the end of the bar wolf whistled as we approached, reaching out to land a palm square on Addie’s ass.

  Shit, this is not going to end well.

  Addie spun on her heels and narrowed her eyes at the bearded man.

  “Did you just…?”

  The man chuckled and grabbed her arm, pulling her closer. “Come on, sugar. Who owns you?”

  Her spine stiffened. "No one. I own myself, and I'd thank you to take your hands off of me," she sniffed.

  “If you ain't someone's property, you're fair game, sweet thing," he responded, ignoring her declaration of independence.

  I had to do something quick, otherwise the Dubois sisters were about become rivals with a damn biker gang. Reaching out, I grabbed Addie's other arm and spun us both in a move that could've landed me on Dancing With The Stars. Plastering on a smile, I plopped myself into the burly looking biker’s lap.

  “Oh my God! Your name is Hog,” I exclaimed in the thickest Southern accent I could muster. "What a coincidence, I have a pet pig! His name is Kevin Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, but I call him Kevin Bacon for short. I just love Kevin Bacon—the actor, not the pig. Not that I don't love my pig, because I certainly do. In fact, I love him with all my heart. He even sleeps with me. He's really more like a child. I've always wanted children. Do you want children?” I spat the words rapid fire style and watched as his eyes turned from lecherous into something resembling a glazed doughnut.

  He started to turn his head, but I snatched his face in my hands, squishing his furry cheeks together. “With this bone structure and those eyes, I bet we'd make beautiful babies. Don't ya think?” I directed my last question over my shoulder at Addie as she gaped at me.

  “Well, I, uh…” the man stuttered, clearly looking for an out, but I wanted him to suffer just a little mor
e for laying hands on my sister.

  “What? I'm not pretty enough for you?” I demanded shrilly. “Figures, my sister's always been the pretty one. No one ever wants me after they've seen her.” I cried, letting tears start to well in my eyes. The look of complete and utter terror on the big biker's face let me know he'd had enough. Jumping up from his lap, I spun around once more to face him. “It's over, Hog. What we had was short-lived, but it was beautiful. When you're cold and lonely, you'll realize the mistake you made tonight, but it'll be too late for us!” I shrieked loud enough for people to stare. Turning, I stormed away, dragging Addie along behind me.

  We were halfway across the parking lot before my composure slipped, and I doubled over laughing.

  “What on God’s green earth was that?” Addie demanded.

  I finally managed to catch my breath as we reached our room. “That, big sister, was me saving your ass.”

  “You call that saving my ass? I had it under control.”

  “Please, you were two seconds away from wearing a cut that said ‘Hog's Bitch’. This isn't a TV show, Addie. Those were the Devil's Jokers. They're serious business.”

  Addie paused digging in her purse to stare at me. “How do you even know that?”

  I shrugged. “Not all of us spent the last ten years getting manicures and planning dinner parties.”

  Addie grunted as she tried to zip up her over packed suitcase. “A little help?”

  “Tell me again, why instead of packing clothes did you fill your one suitcase with candle stick holders?”

  “Because they're worth more,” she said blowing her hair from her face. “Besides, I don't need a reminder of the Stepford wife he made me. You were right about me. Somewhere along the way I turned into a shell of the woman I was before. That snob is not who I am. I suppose I spent so many years pretending to be what he wanted that I forgot who I wanted to be.”

  I bit my lip and looked down.

  “Hey, don't you dare feel sorry for me. I made my choices and now I'm making new ones. Don't count me out yet, Sav. I've still got some fight left in me. It'll take some time, but I was serious when I said I was cutting the marionette strings. I'm sick of playing a part in my own life, it's time to start my adventure.”

  I smiled and stood. “Glad to hear it, sis, because we're hitchhiking back home.”

  “Excuse me? I said I wanted to live a little, not get murdered.”

  Rolling my eyes, I propped a hand on my hip. “How else are we supposed to get home?”

  “Oh, I don't know…call Daddy?”

  “Try again. It's the middle of the week, and he’s out on the boat.”

  Addie huffed out a breath and yanked open the door. “Well, until I can unload some of the loot I took from the house, we can't afford to stay here. Let's get checked out and make some calls, there has to be someone—” her words cut off, and she stopped abruptly in the doorway. “Well, would you look at that.” she drawled peeking over her shoulder at me.

  What the hell?

  Moving behind Addie, I had to elbow her in the ribs to get a clear view of what she was gawking at.

  And what a sight it was.

  Leaning against the side of a black Jeep was none other than Officer McHottie. My mouth ran dry, and I had to remember to breathe. I thought he looked dreamy in his uniform, but it had nothing on the faded blue jeans and white T-shirt he was rocking.

  I pushed past Addie, a smile playing on my lips. “What are you doing here?”

  He lifted a heavy shoulder and pushed his sunglasses on top of his head. “Sounded like you could use a break, and I’m going to be passing through Terrebonne on my way to New Orleans. The way I see it, it’s a win, win.”

  I squinted at him, confused. “I get that it’s on your way, but what’s in it for you?”

  Pushing off the Jeep, he closed the distance between us and hooked a finger underneath my chin, forcing me to meet his eyes. He gave me a wicked smirk and leaned in, his lips a hairsbreadth from my ear. “I get to spend five hours in a car with you,” he whispered.

  My pulse thundered in my ears, but I didn’t get a chance to respond because he was already pulling away.

  No! Come back!

  Stepping around me he lifted a chin to my sister. “Need some help with that Mrs. Bordeaux?”

  She slid a glance my way and smiled brightly. “Yes, thank you. And it’s Dubois now, but please call me Addie.”

  He nodded and scooped up her crate-o-shit, tossing it in the back of the Jeep. “We should probably get going,” Pope suggested, spinning his keys on one finger.

  “Shotgun!” Addie and I both yelled at the same time. I scowled at her, and she scowled right back, her jaw set stubbornly.

  “Come on,” I pleaded through gritted teeth. “You’re not even divorced yet!”

  “Oh, shut it! I’m not trying to scam on the man. I just don’t want to sit with the swine,” she hissed.

  I growled at my sister. “What if he wears a diaper?”

  Her eyes flicked to where Pope was waiting patiently for us. “Fine, but you owe me.”

  I nodded quickly before she could change her mind. “Done.”

  We piled into the Jeep, and I couldn’t contain my grin as the engine roared to life. Twisting in my seat I let out a whoop. “Who’s ready for a road trip?”

  8

  Second Chances For Third Wheels

  Adelaide

  Somewhere on Highway 1

  I loved my sister.

  As much shit as I gave her, I loved that sometimes she felt like the protective older sibling. I loved her individuality. I loved her ability to give zero fucks about what people thought of her. I loved her fundamental gift of gab.

  However, I did not love her fat ass pig wiping its swine snot all over my designer pants. Inch by inch, Kevin Bacon rooted his way onto my lap, digging his disgusting leaky face all over my pants until it looked like a herd of slugs traveled from my hip bone down to my knee.

  “You couldn’t get a dog like a normal person?” I screamed into the wind as it slapped my hair around my face. Officer Pope and Savannah happily soaked up each other’s awesomeness, protected by the thick windshield in front of them. I’d spent the last four hours in the backseat getting bugs caught in my teeth.

  Thanks, karma. You can go fuck off now.

  Savannah glanced over her shoulder and winked. “He’s your nephew. Be nice.”

  That wink was deadly. It meant, cock block me, and I’ll cut you.

  “So, Addie, Savannah tells me you two are now the proud owners of a fishing business?”

  I met Officer Pope’s gaze in the rear-view mirror, my reflection bouncing off of his aviator sunglasses. “I wouldn’t say proud.” I snorted, picking random bug carcass wings from my lipstick.

  “Addie…” Savannah warned with a sharp look.

  “Oh, stop, Sav. You’re the one who wants this business. I want no part of it.”

  Savannah snorted and tightened her ponytail. “What she means is that she wants no part of Zep.”

  A blond eyebrow lifted over the top of Pope’s sunglasses. “Zep? Is that a type of fish?”

  “You could say he’s a type blowfish,” I smirked, conjuring up the image of my nemesis’s face on a hook. “Blowhard, blowfish. Tomayto, tomahto.”

  Pope tilted his chin toward Savannah as he turned the wheel to make the exit to Terrebonne. “Do I even want to know?”

  Savannah waved a disinterested hand in the air. “Probably not. She’s as tight-lipped about it as she is tight-assed.”

  “Savvy!”

  “Zep is a guy we both grew up with, and I assume this has something to do with a fight between them,” she continued as if I hadn’t objected to her verbal diarrhea. “Zep and Addie despise each other, but no one can quite figure out why.” She rested her bent elbow on top of the bucket seat and pursed her lips. “Why is that, Addie? You and Zep ran in totally different circles. He was a stoner playboy. What’d he ever do to you to cause
all of this?” She clapped her palms together and flung her hands outward to simulate an explosion.

  What didn’t he do?

  “Nothing, Sav,” I lied, turning my stare toward the traffic beside us as we blew past them. “Zephirin LeBlanc did nothing to me. He’s just a worthless dick, that’s all, and I don’t want him getting mixed up with my baby sister.”

  Or anyone else for that matter.

  I couldn’t help but catch the side-eye glance that Pope shot Savvy, and she rewarded him with a knowing grin. “No worries, Ads. Zep’s not my type. I prefer the strong, lawful type.”

  Jesus.

  I was about to ask my sister if she wanted me to dig out the silver platter I stole from Sugarbirch so she could properly offer herself to the good officer, but I shut my mouth and watched as signs for Terrebonne Parish announced our arrival.

  While Savannah kicked up the charm a notch with Officer Pope, I bit my lip so hard I tasted blood. My little sister’s words echoed in my head until I was ready to ask Pope if he’d confiscated any pot on his last day on the job he wouldn’t mind passing along.

  “What’d he do to you?”

  What’d he do? Zephirin LeBlanc ruined my perfect life even before it was perfect.

  He’d ruined me on purpose, just because he could.

  He fucking ruined me.

  Carrying the weight of this had eaten at me for the better part of a decade. With Savannah’s sharp stare drilling into me, I almost spilled over a decade’s worth of secrets, but I swore to become a new Addie.

  And new Addie had a world of shit to sort out, without adding Zep LeBlanc into the mix.

  Mentally, I began ticking off a to-do list in my head. First thing we needed to do was get rid of that hideous porno-on-wheels Savannah called transportation. Secondly, we had to buy out the LeBlanc in DuBlanc Fishery, therefore, removing Zep from my sight. And thirdly, I had to figure out some bullshit story to tell Savannah so she’d stop asking about ancient history.