Swamp Happens: The Complete Swamp Bottom Series

by Cora Kenborn

  “We'll make new memories in New Orleans, but Terrebonne will always be home.” I assured her.

  “I know NOLA has some awesome food, but there ain't nothin' that can compare to a Mama Rae's po’ boy,” Bam-Bam said, digging into his sandwich.

  We all laughed. There was nothing in this world that could come between Bam-Bam and his food. I’d seen him literally bite a man over a piece of fried chicken at a cookout once.

  When no one else would relent to his begging, Kevin waddled over and unceremoniously plopped down in my lap. Taking pity on the poor thing, I pulled a piece of fried alligator off my sandwich and offered it to him. He about took my hand off, gobbling it down in record time and giving me a satisfied snort before settling in for a nap.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out to see yet another text from Atticus. He’d been texting me for the past few weeks. However, this one wasn't full of I love you's and sad face emojis. This one made my heart skip a beat in the worst way.

  I want my van and my pig back, Savannah. If you don’t respond, I'll be forced to report them both stolen.

  My hand instinctively flew to my throat, and I choked out a gasp. “Oh my God.”

  Addie placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. “What's the matter?”

  “Atticus.”

  “That loser you were dating in Austin?”

  I nodded. Unable to say anything else, I passed the phone to her.

  “Stolen?” she exclaimed, louder than necessary. “What does he mean stolen? I thought you said you took the van on trade for the money he'd owed you before you broke up with him?”

  I cringed at her withering stare. “I did, but he might not have been in full agreement with the arrangement.”

  Zep laughed from his perch on the porch railing. I briefly wondered how the aged and somewhat rotted wood managed not to give way under his massive bulk.

  “You think my sister going to jail is funny?” Addie snapped at him.

  Finished with his po’ boy, Zep crumpled up the wax paper and tossed it at Addie’s head. “No, Snow—I mean, Adelaide. I’m just surprised it took the idiot this long to grow some balls.”

  She batted the ball of garbage away before it hit her face and glared at him accusingly. No one glared at someone quite like Adelaide Dubois glared at Zephirin LeBlanc.

  “Why do you not seem surprised by this?” she demanded.

  “Because I’m not. No offense, Sav.”

  I waved him off. “None taken.”

  Zep lifted one shoulder and a sparkle of mischief flashed in his eyes. “Besides, she all but told me she’d stolen the van the day she got into town.”

  Addie’s head swiveled in my direction Exorcist style. “She what?”

  Raising my hands in defense, I made a face at Zep. “Way to bus roll me, bro.”

  Addie stood, her expression furious as she paced the length of the porch, the boards creaking under her feet. “Jesus! Why won’t you take anything seriously? Just when I think you’re starting to get your shit together, something like this happens to remind me that you’re completely incapable of being a responsible adult.”

  “Addie,” Zep said quietly, getting to his feet.

  I felt my face heat in embarrassment. “I’m sorry. I made a mistake.”

  Spinning, Addie stalked toward me until her face was inches from my own, her brows drawn tight over her dark eyes. “A mistake? No, Savannah. A mistake is locking your keys in the car or leaving the oven on. Stealing a fucking van is a felony! How could you be so stup—”

  “Adelaide!” Zep roared. He closed the distance between them in two long strides, hooking an arm around Addie’s middle and pulling her back until she was flush against him. “That’s enough,” he said more gently. Addie was still facing me, her back to Zep’s front. I watched as she blinked away the rage, settling into the man’s arms for just a moment before twisting out of his grip.

  What was that about?

  Zep followed Addie to where she’d retreated on the other side of the porch. “I get that you’re angry, but she’s your sister. We’ll figure it out, okay?” he said in a low voice.

  Addie raked her hands through her hair and nodded curtly.

  My stomach sank. I did it again.

  I pulled a Savvy and screwed everything up.

  What would Pope say?

  The thought made me want to throw up. Pope was a cop for crying out loud. What would he do if he knew his girlfriend was a car thief?

  Was I his girlfriend? Shit, I didn’t even know.

  I buried my face in my hands, willing myself not to cry. "What am I going to do? He can't take Kevin away from me!"

  Zep cleared his throat. "If you give the van back, it's just a domestic dispute over a pig, right?"

  I looked up and wished I hadn’t. The look of disappointment on my sister’s face was enough to make me want to crawl into a hole. “I suppose, but how am I going to convince him to let me keep Kevin?”

  Bam-Bam, who’d remained quiet through the exchange, lumbered to his feet from the porch steps. He thudded across the wooden planks and threw a tree truck of an arm over my shoulders. “If you want, I'll round up the boys and go give him a talkin’ to.”

  Addie was already shaking her head. “I’m not sure—”

  But I cut her off before she could finish telling me how bad of an idea it was. “That might actually work.”

  “Savannah!” Addie argued.

  “Would you just—” I pleaded, but she cut me off in turn.

  “You’re not taking the ‘good ol’ boys’ to Austin to beat up the guy whose car you stole!”

  Zep’s hand settled on the back of her neck, and she let out a frustrated huff. “Let’s listen to what she has to say.”

  “They aren’t going to throw down with anyone. We’re not sixteen anymore, right Bam-Bam?”

  “Well, no. We’re grown, but if you need me to knock skulls, you know I will.”

  I gave him a plastic smile and gritted my teeth. “Not helping.”

  Addie raised an eyebrow and shrugged off Zep’s hold. “Fine, let’s have it.”

  I bit my lip, feeling less than confident. I hated when “Disappointed Addie” appeared. “Mad Addie” I could deal with, but knowing I’d let her down cut deep. “It’s not really much of a plan, I figured I’d set up a meeting with Atticus to drop off the van, and when he gets there, I’ll tell him I’m keeping Kevin. If we have the boys with us, he’s not going to put up a fight, and honestly, he’s not that interested in Kevin. I’m pretty sure the only reason he even mentioned him was to get a rise out of me.”

  Addie’s lips thinned into a straight line, and she shifted on her feet. “It’s not a terrible idea,” she mumbled.

  Zep took a few steps closer to where we were standing in an uneven circle. “You’re probably right about the pig, Savvy. But it’s just going to be us four. No need to bring in the cavalry, especially if we intend to do this without bloodshed.”

  I let out a sigh of relief, pulling out my phone once again. “Works for me, I’ll text him.”

  Before I could pull up the message, Addie pointed a finger in my face. “I swear to God, Sav, if shit goes south, we are out of there. I won’t go to jail for you.”

  “Relax, cuz,” Bam-Bam said with a chuckle. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

  Addie turned to me as we flew down the highway to meet Atticus with Bam-Bam and Zep following behind. “So, you want to tell me what really happened when you left Austin? The truth this time.”

  Rolling my lips over my teeth, I tried to make sense of the mess I’d made and left behind. “We were living above the bar where I worked, and we were broke as hell. I got the call about Pappy and then you texted me. I knew I needed to find a way to get back home, but I knew I didn’t want Atticus to come with me.”

  She shifted Kevin in her lap, the look of disgust on her face slightly less severe in the past few weeks. I was beginning to think he was growing on her. “Why
wouldn’t you want him to come home with you?”

  I sighed, wanting desperately to change the subject, but knowing I owed her the story. “Because he wasn’t a reflection of who I wanted to be. I’d fallen into the trap of another idiot with no ambition, and I didn’t want you to see that. My life wasn’t amazing and glossy like the postcards I sent home. I’d left for college with stars in my eyes and big dreams, none of which came true. Instead, I was barely scraping by, working odd jobs and selling jewelry on the internet and sleeping on a mattress on a dingy floor.”

  It was Addie’s turn to sigh. “None of that would’ve mattered to us. You know that, right? We’re family. Nothing is going to change that—not an idiot boyfriend, not a shitty job, not even a pig that shits everywhere.”

  “You’re right. I guess part of me just wanted the excuse to leave.”

  “Now that I can understand. I love you, kid.”

  We weren’t big on declarations of unconditional love in our family. I knew my sister loved me, but hearing her say it sent a pang through my heart. “I love you too. Thank you for listening.” A lump formed in my throat, and I knew I needed to change the subject quickly before I started bawling.

  Desperate times called for desperate measures.

  “So, you want to listen to some T-Swift?” I almost gagged on the words. While there wasn’t anything wrong with Taylor Swift, I wasn’t much of a fan. That was before I came home. Living with my sister and being subjected to song after song and record after record made me want to pull a Van Gogh and chop my ears off.

  “Oh, you’re not getting out of this that easily. We have a three-hour drive ahead of us, and it’s time to spill. I want to know what’s been going on with you and Officer McHottie, and don’t you dare leave anything out.”

  Dear sister, how you underestimate me.

  “Oh my God, there’s so much I haven’t told you!”

  Addie let out a happy little squeal and clapped her hands like a seal waiting for a fish. “I knew it! Tell me everything!”

  “Oh, I will. Just as soon as you tell me the truth about you and Zep.”

  Checkmate, bitch.

  We pulled into a McDonald’s parking lot right over the Texas/Louisiana state border. Atticus, accompanied by Dave, the drummer, leaned against Dave's rusted pickup.

  I rolled my eyes.

  In all my years of dating morons and burnouts, there always seemed to be a Dave in the mix. His musical proclivities varied, but he was always in a band that was on the brink of a record deal. Closing my eyes, I shook my head. Time after time, I managed to pick the same guy with the same friends, only parading around in a different package.

  “Savannah,” Atticus spoke my name as if it were a curse. His sneer morphed into a look of shell shock when Bam-Bam's monster truck pulled into the lot behind us. Zep and Bam-Bam climbed out of the truck and flanked us on either side, not saying a word. Which to be honest, was far scarier than if they’d walked up talking trash.

  “Here,” I said, shoving the keys at him, wanting to get this whole thing done and over with as soon as possible.

  Atticus didn't move to take them from my hand, folding his arms across his puny chest instead. How had I ever found him attractive? When I looked at him now, all I saw were the million ways he lacked in comparison to Pope.

  “Come on, Atticus. Just take the damn keys so we can all go back to our lives.”

  “Where's the pig?” He demanded, jutting out his chin in feigned confidence.

  I bit back the rage that boiled in my gut. “You can have the van back, and I won’t ask for the money that you owe me, but I’m keeping Kevin.”

  “He’s my pig!” he shouted suddenly. His outburst drew the attention of a family across the parking lot as they piled into their minivan.

  I squeezed the bridge of my nose trying to calm myself, but Atticus didn’t get the hint.

  “I had him before we even met. I took care of him. He’s mine, and you can’t have him!”

  My last nerve shattered. “You took care of him? Mr. I-don’t-get-up-until-noon? Who took him out for a walk when you refused to because you were too tired after your four-hour shift at the restaurant? Who got him food when you conveniently forgot every time you went to the store?” I poked a finger toward my chest. “That was me. I took him to the vet for his checkup. I fed him. I bathed him. I cleaned up his messes. Not you.”

  Atticus, whose hands had balled into fists at his side during my tirade, took a step toward me. “You fucking cun—”

  Suddenly, a shrill cry pierced the night air. I whirled around just in time to see Babs jump out of the giant toolbox nestled in the bed of Bam-Bam’s truck, a bat in her hand.

  “You take one more step to my Savvy, and I bash your whiny face in, you dirty douchewater!”

  “What the fuck?” Atticus screamed, his voice about three octaves higher than normal. I turned to face him, half expecting him to have pissed his pants.

  “You heard me. Savvy keep cheeseburger and you leave quietly, or I make you quiet forever. You think Italians are only ones who can make you disappear?”

  A wicked smile pulled at the corners of my mouth. I didn’t need to look to recognize the familiar sound of Babs pulling out her teeth and spitting on the ground.

  “I grew up in Soviet Russia,” Babs continued. “I know things that would make Godfather piss in shoes. Now take your fucking naked lady van and leave while you still have legs.”

  “You guys are crazy. Come on, dude, let’s get out of here,” Dave yelled, shoving Atticus and jumping into his truck.

  I threw the keys at Atticus and almost laughed when he fumbled the catch and dropped them onto the asphalt.

  Quietly picking them up, he hurried into the van, calling out through the open window as he drove away, “Fucking hillbillies!”

  I watched his taillights fade away into the distance before turning to face my grandmother. Zep, Bam-Bam, and Addie were all gaping at her.

  I fist pumped the air. “That was awesome!”

  Babs smiled widely, her dentures slipping a little. “My girls needed help, so I help.”

  “Did you ride the whole way here in the toolbox?” Addie asked incredulously.

  Babs scoffed. “Dat was nothing. You should see how I got to Poland.”

  My smile faded as I glanced around her toward the truck. “Wait, I left Kevin with you in Terrebonne. Where is he?”

  “He’s here with me. We cuddle in box. Now my girls get in back with me. We have long ride and many stories to tell.”

  Addie and I looked at each other and shrugged. A three-hour ride in the back of a pickup with our elderly alcoholic grandmother and a pig?

  Sure, why not?

  Our family might be crazy, but at least no one could call us boring.

  20

  You Got Served

  Adelaide

  New Orleans, Louisiana

  Pulling the pencil out of my hair, I let out a grunt and stabbed two weeks’ worth of purchase orders with the sharpened tip. “Bam-Bam, what the hell?” I yelled into my phone. “Do you realize how much our liability insurance is going to skyrocket?”

  Across our spacious new office, Savannah glanced up from her pathetically hidden game of computer Solitaire while Zep stood silently at the file cabinet with a raised eyebrow. Sighing, I shook my head at both of them and rolled my eyes toward the ceiling.

  “I know, Ads,” Bam-Bam mumbled, his monster truck growling to life on the other end of the line. “I’m sorry. I know I done bad. But, hey, you can take it out of my paycheck or whatever you need to do. I’ll make it right.”

  “I’m not going to dock your pay, Bam. You’re family. Just come in on your down time and do some maintenance work. I’ll eat the cost and take it out on your ass when I work it into early retirement.”

  “You got it, cuz.” He offered a low laugh, a sound I’d missed hearing from my thick-headed cousin. The laugh told me he understood my somewhat veiled forgiveness of his negligence an
d my need to not get overly sappy about it.

  At least someone in my family got me.

  Ending the call, I threw my phone across my desk and leaned back while running my fingers through my hair. Savannah discreetly cleared her throat, and I must’ve worn the stoned glaze of a serial killer because she chose her words carefully as Zep continued to stare at me.

  “Everything all right with Bam?”

  I snorted, shaking my head as if that said it all. When they both remained silent, I blurted it all out in a rush of verbal vomit. “Apparently, Bam thought maritime and vehicular laws were mutually exclusive.”

  “Meaning?” Zep asked, leaning one arm onto the filing cabinet, an amused smile playing on his lips.

  “Did y’all know texting while driving a boat is not only illegal, it distracts you away from larger boats crossing right in front of you at the dock?”

  Savannah slapped her hand over her mouth. “No!”

  “Yep,” I grimaced, re-enacting the play-by-play given to me by the cops with wild hand gestures. “Clipped the ass end of a competitor’s boat while texting some Hooters waitress. I swear, I love the boy, but he’s going to shut us down before we even get up and running.”

  Savannah just laughed as the music coming from her laptop alerted everyone that she’d won her forty-eighth game of Solitaire for the day. “This surprises you?”

  “No, but there’s just so much work to be done and constantly putting out Bam’s fires keeps setting us back.”

  “It’s Friday, Ads.” Savannah held up her phone and wrinkled her nose as if the statement meant anything to me. “Let your hair down and live a little.”

  Friday was Friday, just as Monday was Monday. I worked seven days a week while my sister left at five o’clock on the dot every weekday to spend the night at Pope’s house.