Swamp Happens: The Complete Swamp Bottom Series

by Cora Kenborn

  “No, you just get them drunk, marry them, and forget they exist for three years.”

  “Asshole, she left me.” Even after almost getting his ass kicked, Patrick couldn’t leave well enough alone, so he added, “You might want to learn from my mistakes and cut your losses now.”

  The minute Pope let go of Savannah and stepped forward, I took control of the situation. This whole trip had become a clusterfuck, and I’d had enough.

  Stepping in front of Patrick’s dumb ass, I pushed an arm out in front of me, blocking Pope’s path and raised my eyebrows at him in question. “Okay, look, we’ll flip for it. That’s fair, right?”

  “Fine,” he bit out.

  A simple glance back at Zep was all I needed. He knew distracting Pope was the only way to prevent a full-on brawl in the middle of Circus Circus. Digging in his pocket, he pulled out a quarter and balanced it on his bent thumb.

  “Addie, call it when it’s in the air.”

  “Wait, why does she get to call it and not me?” Savannah whined, popping a hand on her hip.

  Zep let out an annoyed sigh. “Because I’m fucking her and not you.”

  Deciding that was a good enough reason, she took a seat beside Babs without another word. No one moved as Zep balanced the coin on his thumb and forefinger then flipped it in the air.

  Completely enthralled, I clapped my hands like I was at my own private casino game. “I call heads.”

  Zep’s mouth twisted into a wicked grin. “If I’m shelling out nine-hundred dollars for a hotel room, so do I.”

  My face burned with embarrassment, but with a promise so deliciously naughty, I wasted no time in seeing what my night had to offer. The minute Zep pulled his hand away and the back of the quarter glinted in his palm, I let out a lengthy groan.

  “Yes!” Savannah squealed, pumping the air with her fist while jumping into Pope’s arms and locking her ankles around his waist. After giving him a loud kiss, she pulled back, and I wanted nothing more than to smack the victorious grin off her face. “Is there such a thing as a divorce honeymoon?”

  Pope playfully slapped her ass, his shitty mood suddenly improving. “There is now.”

  “Damn.” Pulling a frustrated hand through his hair, Zep shoved the traitorous coin back in his pocket.

  Ever the optimist, I forced myself to smile. “Looks like we have two roommates tonight.”

  Zep nodded toward Patrick with a smirk and wrapped his open palm around the back of my neck. “Pretty boy and I will sleep on the floor where I can watch him. You and Babs take the bed.”

  “No need.” Shoving half of another meatball in her mouth, Babs smacked her red painted nail against the disconnect button on her phone and placed it inside the pink fanny pack tucked snugly between her boobs and her stomach.

  “Why?” I asked cautiously. Something about my grandmother’s self-assured posture unsettled me. It was anyone’s guess what she was up to usually, but the way the corners of her mouth twitched with concealed diabolical laughter concerned me.

  “While four of you bitch, I call desk and take big shot room,” she sputtered, shoving the wad of beef into one cheek like a squirrel hoarding nuts.

  What did I say? Diabolical.

  “You took the suite? Babs, you don’t have that kind of money.”

  “No?” Digging a sauced covered hand into her fanny pack again, she pulled out a wad of cash that would’ve made even a high roller drool.

  I stole a glance at Savannah, the expression in her eyes as shocked as mine. “Where did you get that?”

  “I told you, Vegas, baby. I make slot machine my bitch and hit big money.” Crumpling the cash in her hand, she hauled herself off the bar stool and shuffled past me. “I go get key to shag pad now. Remember, if tie on door, keep walking.”

  A low chuckle rumbled in Zep’s chest as he led me toward the ornately decorated set of elevators, pausing only to fling a smug grin over his shoulder at Pope.

  “Congratulations on your win.”

  62

  Ex’s and Oh’s

  Adelaide

  Las Vegas, Nevada

  After Savannah conned Babs into letting Pope and her stay in her suite, Zep and I elected to keep Patrick in our room, ensuring his neck stayed out of Pope’s hands. Although, after the third lewd comment comparing my boobs to overripe cantaloupes, Zep almost snapped it himself.

  None of us got much sleep, and we looked like hell as the six of us met up the next morning and made our way to the courthouse to get Savannah and Patrick’s annulment. We weren’t in a particularly chatty mood. Any one of us would be able to list a dozen better ways to spend a Thursday morning. However, Babs was in a particularly foul mood.

  During breakfast, Savannah told me she and Pope heard her stumbling into the suite a little after three a.m., singing some Russian drinking song at the top of her lungs. After being threatened with a bucket of cold water and a ban from the casino this morning, she’d finally gotten dressed and reluctantly tagged along with us.

  Well, if you called putting on a bathrobe, orthopedic shoes, and a shower cap, getting dressed. Personally, I called it getting even, but then again, I knew my grandmother better than just about anyone. She’d eventually give in, but you’d better believe you’d pay the price for her compliance.

  As we walked into the courthouse, she proved that point by repeatedly kicking the back of Patrick’s heels.

  “Why the hell does she have to be here?” he grumbled. “Do you people always have to do shit in a pack?”

  “You have a problem with family, or is it just wives?” Pope grumbled, closing the door behind him.

  Patrick paused, turning around and settling an annoyed gaze on him. “No, she’s just weird. She keeps taking her teeth out and licking her gums.”

  Zep snickered, not bothering to turn around. “Just be glad she’s not spitting at your feet. Shit gets real kind of fast at that point.”

  Once all the paperwork had been filled out, signatures scribbled, and statements made, it took less than twenty minutes to dissolve the ill-fated marriage between Savannah Dubois and Patrick Tugsmore. It amazed me that a union that had lasted for three years out of neglect had been dissolved in less time than it takes for Bam-Bam to destroy the buffet at Sizzler.

  Unless you’re me. Then that shit drags out forever.

  Savannah’s jaw remained locked for the entire procedure, her body rigid as I held her hand out of unwavering solidarity. However, there was a lightness in her step as we filed out of the courthouse, although she still clutched Pope’s arm as if she were afraid to let him go.

  “Well, I’d say thank you, Patrick, but you almost made me commit a felony to get you here.” A genuine smile finally replaced the scowl she’d worn for the past twenty-four hours as we all stood outside the courthouse, the noon sun blaring down on our shoulders.

  Pope arched an eyebrow. “Almost?”

  “Watch it,” Savannah warned, dropping her cheek against his chest.

  “Look, Sav, I’m sorry for giving you a hard time.” Patrick shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “Maybe a part of me wanted to punish you for skipping out on me.”

  “It was the wrong thing for me to do.” Heaving a sigh, she brushed back a piece of hair that had escaped her ponytail. “I should’ve handled the whole thing differently.”

  “Same here.”

  “No hard feelings then?”

  Patrick grinned. “We had some good times, didn’t we?”

  Savannah tilted her head up to gauge Pope’s reaction before responding with a curt nod. Everyone else’s attention strayed from the conversation, focusing on passing tourists or the quick movements of nearby street vendors. Not me. I recognized that nod. My sister knew what was coming. I knew what was coming. And we both inched toward Pope in preparation.

  “So, what do you say?” Patrick pressed on. “How about a goodbye hug between two former spouses?”

  Bingo.

  As soon as Patrick reached for
her, Savannah froze. The panic in my sister’s eyes was a sight to behold. Well, it would’ve been, if I weren’t so focused on preventing the ass-beating in progress. I lunged at the same time Pope dove forward, causing me to barrel into an unprepared Babs. Luckily, Zep intercepted, preventing us from becoming Dubois family road kill. Once he settled me back on my feet, I glanced nervously behind me. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion as Pope went full-on Matrix, doubling back before slipping ninja-style in between them and closing an open palm over Patrick’s face.

  “Walk away, Tugsmore.”

  Knocking Pope’s hand away, Patrick laughed and gave a half-hearted salute. “Good luck, Savannah. You’re going to need it.”

  None of us spoke for a good forty-five seconds as Patrick walked away and hailed a cab. Five pairs of eyes watched until the constant motion of the bustling city swallowed the taxi’s tail lights, and it disappeared. Unsure of what to do next, I looked up at Zep, who shrugged and tucked me under his heavy arm.

  Somehow, Savannah managed to force a bit of cheerfulness in her voice as she dropped a bomb on us. “Well, I wish I could say this whole thing is over, but there’s a twenty-four hour wait time for the paperwork to process. We can’t pick up the notarized printout verifying it’s in the annulment process until tomorrow.”

  I flopped my head against Zep’s ribcage, my voice muffled by his soft T-shirt. “Another night in Vegas?”

  With Patrick gone, Pope’s mood seemed to brighten considerably. Giving Savannah a kiss on the top of her head, he reached into his pocket and produced a quarter, his dimples sinking deeper into his cheeks. “What do you say, LeBlanc? Want to flip for the single room?”

  “Fuck no,” Zep laughed, his outburst causing a few passers-by to stop and glare. “You won that suite fair and square last night. Besides, you two are gonna be newlyweds soon with plenty of time for bed Olympics. The only thing Addie and I will have in our bed is Charlie. I’m getting all I can now.”

  While the idea both excited and terrified me, a thought way more disturbing popped into my head. “Wait, I just realized something. You’re here, so who’s watching DuBlanc?”

  Zep shot an SOS look Pope’s way, who quickly averted his eyes and stared off into the horizon. Muttering something about a traitor under his breath, Zep lifted an inked arm and squinted while scratching the top of his head. “Bam-Bam.”

  No other name on Earth could’ve incited more of a panic attack in me. The thought of Zep skipping town on a whim and leaving our pyromaniacal cousin to captain the ship had me backing away from him with raised hands.

  “Oh fuck! No!”

  “Addie, it’s only for a couple of days. Seriously, how much damage can the guy do in forty-eight hours?”

  Tearing through my purse, I jerked out my phone and pressed the button that would connect me with whatever was left of our livelihood. As the second ring filled my ears, I let out a demonic growl. “I once left Bam in charge of my goldfish for two days while my family went on a weekend trip to New Orleans.”

  “And?”

  “I came back to a goddamn catfish in my tank. That idiot used Goldie as bait to ‘up my badass factor’.”

  Zep bit his lip, fighting a laugh.

  “This is not funny!” I yelled, smacking him across the chest. “I loved that fucking fish.”

  As I relived the horror of coming home to a five-pound catfish stuffed into a nine-gallon tank, my cousin’s slow drawl filled the line. “Whassup, Ads? You bringin’ me home a stripper or two?”

  “Please tell me you called Daddy or even Mama for that matter,” I said, closing my eyes against the headache brewing behind them. “Bam tell me you aren’t taking calls and meeting with clients.”

  Bam-Bam let out a full-bellied laugh and completely ignored my question. “Don’t worry, cuz. I’ve got my buddy, Duck here with me.”

  “Duck?”

  “You remember him, dontcha? Mullet? Sleeveless paid shirts?”

  I shook my head, the name not sparking any recognition until a memory from my high school graduation party made me clutch my chest in horror. “Oh my God, please tell me he’s not the one with the mudflaps on his truck of a naked woman doing squats, and the ‘nollege is power’ tattoo.”

  “I got him those mudflaps for Christmas last year,” he announced proudly.

  “Oh, Bam, no. Hell no.” Unable to stand still anymore, I started to pace. “Do not let him near my computer. Do you hear me? And for God’s sake, don’t let him answer the phone.”

  “Wait, so I wasn’t supposed to do that already?”

  I saw spots. Literal spots swam across my field of vision as Zep held my head in his hands, urging me to calm down. Before I could rationalize the fuckery our cousin had instigated, Savannah grabbed the phone out of my hand.

  “Bam, hey, it’s Sav. Yeah, Duck stays on the back steps. Yes, give him a couple of empty cans and a knife. He’ll be entertained for hours. Yes, you can handle it. I have faith in you. Oh, Addie?” The lines between her eyes sank deeper as she inspected my forehead. “Yeah, that vein is popping out. Oh my God, you’re right. It does look like a lightning bolt. Yeah, love you too. Bye.”

  “Well?” I asked, dreading the answer.

  Disconnecting the call, Savannah calmly tucked the phone inside my purse before running a soothing hand down the length of my hair. “We have fire insurance, right?”

  “Well, that was fun.” Zep chuckled as we walked hand-in-hand down the hallway after an early dinner with Pope and Savannah.

  “Yeah,” I agreed, rolling my eyes while swiping the key card and unlocking our room. “Nothing like a nice, relaxing meal with my sister while we argue over who’s more deserving of sex.”

  “I wouldn’t say we’re more deserving, but…” Zep’s voice trailed off as he kicked the door shut with a heavy boot and crowded me from behind. “I plan on using my loss to my full advantage.” Brushing my hair to one side, he lowered his head and dusted his lips across the back of my neck. I shivered as his warm breath spread across my skin, causing goosebumps to scatter down my arm and ignite into flames.

  “Oh?” I whimpered as his other hand slid around my ribcage and settled under my breasts. “And what exactly do you plan on doing about it?”

  “You’re in a very vulnerable position here, Snow White. I think the more appropriate question would be to ask what don’t I plan on doing?” Tangling his rough fingers in my hair, he tugged my head to the side and sucked the delicate skin on my neck into his mouth. His intoxicating scent assaulted my senses as he filled his hand with my breast, kneading it with his fingers.

  “Zep,” I groaned, my thoughts scattering as he hooked the strap of my tank top between his teeth and dragged it down my shoulder.

  “Don’t ever do this kind of shit to me again, Addie,” he growled, trailing his mouth back to my neck.

  I didn’t know how to respond, so I reached behind and wrapped a hand around his neck, pulling him closer. “Does this mean you’re not mad at me for lying about the bachelorette party?”

  Pausing behind my ear, he dropped his hand to my hip and jerked backward, forcing my back to slam into his chest. “Hell no. I’m pissed as fuck, but I have a few ideas on how you can make it up to me.”

  “Is that so? Do you plan on telling me about them?”

  “Nope. I’m going to show you over and over until you can’t fucking breathe.”

  I held my breath as he dove his hand lower, snaking underneath the oh-so-sexy elastic band on top of my maternity shorts.

  Seriously, I knew they were a practical necessity, but crap on a cracker, who the hell wanted her man to reach for her in the heat of passion, only to have to roll down yards of cloth paneling to get to her vagina?

  Fuck you, Motherhood Maternity store.

  Beyond my new fashion mortification, a million reasons other reasons ran through my mind as to why I should stop him, but that was the old Addie talking. The new Addie didn’t deny herself what she wanted, so I shut the
door to the past and gave myself over to the present.

  I’d fought this—probably more than any other man would’ve ever stuck around to see through. But ever since letting him move in and seeing how attentive and patient he’d been with me, I couldn’t think of a single argument for why Zep and I shouldn’t be together.

  It was comfortable.

  It was easy.

  It was right.

  The last three words echoed in my head right before my eyelids lowered to hazy slits, blocking out everything except for the flashing red light on the side table. Determined to ignore everything but him, I squeezed my eyes shut, focusing on his growl of approval as his hand brushed over the lace barrier of my red panties.

  My distraction tactic worked until the memory of Babs tonguing some random groom in a cheesy Vegas wedding chapel flashed through my mind. Immediately, my eyes popped back open, and I stared at the incessant blinking light like a siren.

  Blink.

  You left her unattended.

  Flash.

  She has a concealed carry license.

  Flicker.

  Fucking moron.

  “Zep?”

  “Hmmm?” he hummed, shifting us toward the king-sized bed.

  I writhed against him, fighting the urge just to say fuck it and let Savannah deal with the fallout. “There’s a message on the phone.”

  “It’s not important.” His fingers toyed with the edge of my panties as he flicked his tongue against the outer shell of my ear. “Fuck, I want you right now, Addie.”

  The way he gently touched me while his mouth reminded me just how rough he could be did me in. Forcing myself off his chiseled chest, I wrapped a hand around his wrist, stopping him from driving me past the point of no return. Pointing to the phone, I let out a reluctant sigh. “One minute, I promise.”

  Groaning, he adjusted himself and palmed the back of his neck. “Fine. You listen, and I’ll get rid of these.” With a wicked grin, he plopped onto the bed, spun me around to face him, and went to work tugging my shorts down my legs.