I had seen Ridley with plenty of girls over the past years, but that was because I’d barged into his office without knocking and caught him kissing someone, or I’d gone to his place after work and found a girl slinking out his door. This was the first time I’d seen him on an actual date.
“Bryn?” Tilda asked, leaning toward me. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” I shook my head, clearing it, and then I looked back at Finn, forcing myself to keep my eyes on him and not wander to Ridley any longer. “As I was saying, I was tracking the changeling and prevented them from kidnapping him, yes.”
“That’s exactly my point.” Finn folded his arms over his chest. “You’re not a member of the Högdragen, and yet you were perfectly capable of fighting off two men without any of their training. Are they really necessary, then?”
“If anything, that’s a testament to Bryn’s work, not a condemnation of the guard,” Ridley interjected. I looked over to see both him and Juni sidling up next to Tilda, joining our conversation.
“Ember really just invited everyone to this, didn’t she?” I asked as pleasantly as I could and gave them a crooked smile.
He nodded and adjusted his narrow tie. “Apparently so.”
“Ridley, this is Ember’s brother, Finn,” I said, making the introductions between the two of them. “Finn, this is the Rektor, Ridley. And this is…” I pointed to Juni, then feigned a memory lapse. “Sorry. I’ve forgotten your name,” I lied, and Tilda gave me a peculiar look.
“Juni. Juni Sköld.” She smiled, making a dimple on her smooth skin. “I went to tracker school years ago with Bryn and Tilda, but I flunked out, so it’s no surprise that they’ve forgotten me.”
“I’m sure Bryn didn’t forget you,” Ridley said, casting a look at me that I deftly avoided meeting. “She’s just had a busy week.”
“Well, it’s nice to meet you both,” Finn said, breaking the growing tension.
“Likewise,” Ridley said. “So what were we talking about when I so rudely interrupted?”
“Finn doesn’t understand the point of the Högdragen,” Tilda said, filling him in with a hint of bitterness to her words. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and she turned to look at him as Ridley spoke, as if waiting for Ridley to tell him.
Ridley didn’t seem that fazed by it, though. “The Trylle use trackers to guard the King and Queen, right?”
Finn nodded. “Correct.”
“Wow, you guys don’t have a guard?” Juni asked, sounding genuinely shocked. Her caramel eyes widened, and she put her hand to her chest, making her bracelets jingle. “That is so weird and kinda scary.”
“How so?” Finn asked.
“The tracker program is hard, and I’m sure you understand that,” Juni went on. “That’s why I left. It’s not for everyone. But the Högdragen is so much more than trackers are. They’re the best of the best, trained to protect us from any number of dangers. I can’t imagine feeling safe in Doldastam without them.”
“You have the biggest tribe, though you are spread out quite a bit more than we are,” Ridley said, elaborating on his date’s position. “Förening is less than half the size of Doldastam. But you have the most money. You must have jewels and gems up the ass.”
Finn scowled at Ridley’s crassness. “I don’t think I would use those exact words, but our wealth is well known.”
“So why aren’t you guarding it?” Ridley asked.
“We are,” Finn persisted. “We just don’t have a fancy name or a special program for it.”
“I don’t understand what your issue is with the Högdragen,” Tilda said, unwilling to let his disdain for the guard go. She knew what the guard meant to both her boyfriend and me, and Tilda was fiercely protective when she felt people she cared about were being slighted. “Ember’s talked about you. I know how important your sense of duty is to your people.”
“It is,” Finn agreed. “I’m not against the work you all do, but it seems to me that the Högdragen is just another form of elitism, just another class in the system that separates everyone.”
Ridley’s expression hardened. “We may not have fought wars recently, but we’ve prevented our share of violence. Viktor Dålig led an attack against the King fifteen years ago that resulted in four men dead.” His words were solemn, the same way they were every time he mentioned Viktor Dålig’s assault. “If it hadn’t been for those men—the members of the classist system you don’t understand—Viktor would’ve been successful, and he could’ve overthrown the entire kingdom.”
Juni reached over, putting her hand on Ridley’s arm and leaning into him. I bit my lip and looked away from them.
“You think trackers couldn’t have stopped them just as well as members of the Högdragen?” Finn asked pointedly.
“I think that you have no idea what you’re talking about,” Ridley snapped, making Juni flinch next to him. “You’ve never served on the Högdragen, and you’ve never seen them in action. You grew up in a world where you were taught to honor and serve and never think for yourself, so you question anything that isn’t exactly the same as you or the Trylle.”
“That’s not what—” Finn began, but Ridley cut him off.
“This conversation is taking a turn, and you seem like a very respectable gentleman. So, before I say something you’ll regret, I’m going to go say hello to the birthday girl.” He nodded curtly. “Excuse me.” Then Ridley turned and walked away.
“It was very nice meeting you.” Juni offered him a polite smile, then turned and went after Ridley, her long, dark brown locks bouncing as she hurried over to him.
“What did I say?” Finn asked, baffled by the hard edge in Ridley’s voice. “I wasn’t trying to be offensive or hurtful.”
“Ridley’s dad was on the Högdragen. He was one of the four men that Viktor Dålig killed,” Tilda explained. “He died saving the kingdom.”
ELEVEN
unrequited
Finn apologized for saying anything that might’ve offended anyone, and I stayed and talked with him and Tilda a bit more, though both of them were careful not to bring up the guard anymore. Mostly Finn just talked about his home, since Tilda seemed strangely interested in what it was like raising a family while working as a tracker.
But how Finn managed to juggle taking care of two kids and his workload wasn’t all that interesting to me, and I let my attention wander. Usually—and rather unfortunately—I kept finding my gaze landing on where Ridley and Juni seemed to be enjoying themselves.
No matter when I looked over, she always seemed to be laughing at something. She had to be one of the most cheerful people I’d ever met, which was part of the reason she hadn’t been suited for the tracker program. It wasn’t that she wasn’t tough enough, exactly—she’d just been too friendly, too kind for a job that required a lack of emotion.
When Ridley wrapped his arm around her waist, she leaned into him, laughing warmly, her dark lashes lying in a fan on her bronze skin. Her hair fell down her back in long dark waves, and her dress hugged the full curves of her hips and chest beautifully.
She almost seemed to glow with happiness, a Kanin ability and one of the reasons why she’d had to leave the tracker program. Most of the Kanin who had the skin-changing ability would only blend in with their surroundings when they were distressed, but hers made her radiate when she was happy, and it simply darkened when she was upset. Despite her best efforts, she’d never been able to get it under control, and it had become a detriment.
So I understood exactly why Ridley had invited her here as his date. She may not have been suited to be a tracker, but in every other way, Juni was the perfect Kanin girl.
A painful twisting sensation spread through my chest, and I couldn’t stand to watch them anymore. I wanted to make my escape, but on my way to the door Ember intercepted me, insisting that I stay for just a bit longer. But then Tilda—sensing my distress—provided a distraction for Ember and whisked her away so they could dance together to an Elli
e Goulding remix.
It was Ember’s birthday, so I could hardly go against her wishes, but I needed a break. I went upstairs, and at the end of the hall, heavy French doors led out to a small balcony. I’d left my coat downstairs, but that was just fine.
Pulling my sweater sleeves down over my hands, I leaned against the wrought-iron railing that ran around the balcony. I had no reason to be jealous of Juni. It didn’t affect me at all that she was perfect. She was a wonderful, beautiful, nice person, and I had no reason to wish her ill.
In fact, I should be happy that she was apparently dating Ridley, since he’d always been good to me. He’d been nothing but kind, loyal, and supportive to me, and he deserved the same in return. Yes, he had done his fair share of philandering, but Juni was just the right girl to get him to settle down. And nothing about that should make me feel even slightly bad.
And yet … it did. It hurt so bad, I found it difficult to breathe.
Below me, goats were bleating in the moonlight, their pleas like those of a lovelorn suitor. I watched them nibbling at the blades of grass bravely poking through the snow, and I refused to acknowledge my feelings. They didn’t make any sense, so I just pushed them away.
“Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?” I said to the goats, as if speaking to them would ease their loneliness.
“It is the east, and Juliet is the sun,” Ridley said from behind me, startling me so much I nearly leapt off the balcony.
I’d left the French doors open, and I turned around to see Ridley standing in the doorway, the curtains billowing around him as the icy wind blew past.
“The balcony is actually facing the north,” I told him once I’d found my voice.
“So it is. That would make you … Polaris?” Ridley surmised. He walked out on the balcony and closed the doors behind him.
“What are you doing up here?” I leaned on the railing again, so I wouldn’t have to look at him.
“I came up here to shut the doors, because Ember’s mom was complaining of a cold draft coming downstairs.”
I grimaced. “Sorry. I meant to close the doors.”
“But the real question is, what are you doing up here?” Ridley asked. He rolled down the sleeves of his shirt and folded his arms over his chest, trying to warm himself. “It’s freezing out here.”
“It’s not that bad.” I shrugged. “I just needed a breather.”
“From what?”
I said nothing, preferring to stare out into the night rather than attempt to explain what I was feeling. He let it go, and we both stood in silence for a few minutes. Even the goats had fallen silent, and the only sound was the wind blowing through the trees and the faint music from the party below us.
“Did you know that I’m the oldest person here?” Ridley asked.
I thought about it, then shook my head. “Ember’s parents are older than you.”
“Now I feel much better.” He gave a dry laugh. “I probably shouldn’t have come here.”
“Why not?” I looked at him from the corner of my eye.
He shook his head. “I’m older than the guy that has, like, a dozen kids,” he said, referring to Finn.
“I think he only has two kids, and another on the way,” I corrected Ridley.
“Still. That’s a lot of kids for someone his age. He’s, like, twenty-four, right?” He looked back down at the balcony and absently kicked a clump of snow stuck to the wood. “That’s too young to have that many kids.” Then Ridley looked up over at me. “I mean, isn’t it?”
“Maybe.” I shrugged, unsure of where the conversation was going, which only made me feel more flustered than I already did. “But I don’t know what that has to do with you not coming to the party.”
“I don’t know. I’m just feeling old, I guess.” He leaned his head back, staring up at the stars, and his breath came out in a plume of white fog. “I’m having a bit of an existential crisis lately.”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you think you’ll ever settle down?” Ridley asked, and I was grateful that he was still looking at the sky, so he couldn’t see the startled—and probably terrified—expression on my face.
“You mean like get married and have kids?” I asked, buying myself some time until I figured out how I wanted to answer. “Or retire?”
“Both.”
“No. Never,” I said firmly, and at that moment it felt painfully true.
I would never retire, I knew that with every fiber of my being, but it wasn’t until just now that I realized that love was off the table for me too. As my brief romance with Simon had proven, I didn’t have the time or the inclination for a relationship. My career would always come first—as it should.
And hopefully that would put the final nail in the coffin of whatever I was feeling for Ridley. Because it didn’t matter how I felt or whether he was with Juni or not. I would never be with Ridley. I had more important matters to tend to, and getting involved with my boss would only complicate and ruin everything.
“Never is pretty final,” Ridley commented rather grimly.
“I know.”
“I used to think that way,” he admitted. He rested his arms on the railing beside me, leaning against it, and his elbow brushed up against mine. I could’ve pulled my arm away so I wouldn’t be touching him, but I didn’t.
“You are retired,” I pointed out.
“No, I meant about getting married. I thought I’d never do it.” He paused, letting the silence envelop us. “But now I’m reconsidering.”
I swallowed hard and scrambled to think of something supportive to say. It took me far too long, but finally I managed, “Well, Juni seems nice.”
“Yeah, she is.” Then he said it again, as if convincing himself. “She’s very nice.”
“And beautiful,” I added. “Stunning, even.”
Ridley laughed softly at that. “Are you crushing on my date?”
“No. I’m just…” Just what? Trying to convince myself that I was happy for him? I didn’t have anything, so I let it hang in the air.
“Did you really not remember her?” Ridley asked. “I mean, you guys are about the same age and went to school together, and there aren’t that many people in town.”
“No, of course I remembered her. Her name just slipped my mind,” I lied.
“You have had a lot to worry about lately.” His tone shifted from playful to thoughtful. “Is that what you were doing out here?”
“What?” I glanced over at him.
“Figuring out how you’re going to exact your revenge on Konstantin?”
“Something like that,” I muttered, feeling angry at myself that that wasn’t actually what I’d been doing.
I should have been doing that, but instead I was stupidly and childishly trying not to think about how handsome Ridley looked tonight and the way his hair curled more at the end of the day, when the gel couldn’t fight it any longer, and how the stubble darkened his jaw in a way that made me want to touch it, to feel it like sandpaper against my cheek if he leaned in for a kiss, and how badly I wished he were slipping his strong arm around my waist and whispering in my ear instead of Juni’s.
“You should clue me in on your plans,” Ridley said.
I looked at him sharply, terrified for a second that he’d been able to read my thoughts, but then I realized that he was talking about my plans for Konstantin. “Why? So you can talk me out of them?”
“No. I want to help.” He turned to face me, putting his hand on the railing so his fingers brushed against mine. The metal felt icy cold, and his fingers felt like delicious fire against mine, radiating all through me. “I meant what I said earlier. I’m part of this too, and I don’t mean just because I’m your boss. I know what this guy did to you and what he did to your family. I want to help you catch him.”
It was too dark out for me to really see his eyes, but I could feel the heat from them, the new intensity I’d begun noticing when he looked at me sometimes, and i
t made my heart forget how to beat properly.
I looked away from him, unable to deal with the way he was looking at me, the way he made me feel, or even how close he was to me. His fingers on mine were cooling against the iron railing, but that didn’t stop the heat from coursing through my veins.
And suddenly I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t want to be around him, making me feel a way that I refused to feel.
I stepped back from the railing, pulling my hand away from his. “Thank you. But right now my only plans are helping Linus get ready and surviving the anniversary party tomorrow night.” I motioned to the door behind me. “Which means that I probably should be getting home to get some sleep.”
“Good call. I should be heading out soon too.”
I took a step backward, still facing him like I was afraid he would attack me if I turned away, and I reached behind me, fumbling for the door handle. Ridley moved closer. The balcony wasn’t that big, so it only took a step and he was right in front of me, staring down at me. The light was coming through the glass doors, illuminating his face, and he appeared breathtakingly handsome.
The scent of his cologne blended perfectly with the winter air around us, making him smell tantalizingly clean and crisp, and I imagined that it came in a blue bottle with a name like Aspen or Evergreen. His chest nearly touched me, and for a second time I froze completely, terrified that he would kiss me and terrified that he wouldn’t.
Then he reached around me, his arm pressing against my side in a way that made me involuntarily tremble.
“Let me get the door for you,” Ridley said as he grabbed the door and opened it behind me. A subtle smile spread across his face, lightening it, but his eyes remained serious and fixed on me.
“Thank you,” I mumbled, lowering my head so my hair would cover my face in case I was blushing. Then I slid under his arm and darted inside the house.
“If you wait a second, Juni and I could walk you home,” he offered, and I couldn’t imagine anything that sounded worse than walking home with him and his date after having a far too vivid fantasy about kissing him.
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