by David Ives
AMY: I don’t know how I got into this.
CHUCK (as she putts again): Puck! Aaaaaaaaaaaand—Ouch.
AMY (missing): Ohhhhhhhhhh …
CHUCK: Nice bounce. But no cigar.
AMY: It wasn’t a bad shot.
CHUCK: Anyway, that’s why I come out here to Lilli-Putt Lane. To sense a cosmic connection with the ancient anthropology of the game.
AMY: Uh-huh. And to seduce girls.
CHUCK: What?!
AMY: Oh come on, Chuck.
CHUCK: What guy in his right mind would take a girl miniature-golfing to seduce her?
AMY: You would. You’ve got quite a reputation, you know.
CHUCK: What “reputation”?
AMY: Don Juan.
CHUCK: Amy, I swear. I’ve never taken a girl miniature-golfing in my life. Or anybody else’s life!
AMY: Uh-huh.
CHUCK: But do you want to take your next shot? I can see you’re getting hooked.
AMY (lining up the putt): If this is about getting into bed with me …
CHUCK: Never in a million years.
AMY: You can think again.
CHUCK (as she putts): Puck! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand—
AMY (as it goes in): Yes!
CHUCK: Hey! That was good, Amy!
AMY: That was good, wasn’t it?
CHUCK: That was very good.
AMY: Wow! That felt great!
CHUCK: It’s almost an erotic thrill, isn’t it? (Off her look.) I take it back. It’s not an erotic thrill. It’s a mild celibate frisson.
AMY: You are shameless.
CHUCK (getting ready to putt): Quiet, please. I’m concentrating here. (He tees off.) Puck!
AMY (as the ball travels): Mmmmmmmmnunmmmmmmmmm!
CHUCK (overlapping that): Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand … (The ball goes in.) BINGO!
AMY: Wow!
CHUCK: Am I good?
AMY: That was nice!
CHUCK: Am I good?
AMY: You’re really good.
CHUCK: Okay. Let’s put this down for infinity. (Marks a score-card.) Three for Amy. And a hole in one for Chuck.
AMY: God. It takes so little, doesn’t it.
CHUCK: So little?
AMY: To make people happy. It takes so little for happiness.
CHUCK: And what’s littler than miniature golf? So are you getting interested? Shall we play on?
AMY: Yeah. Let’s play on.
CHUCK: FORE!
CHUCK II (offstage): FORE!
(As CHUCK and AMY move on to the second hole, CHUCK II enters with ANNIE at the first hole, CHUCK II is dressed exactly like CHUCK, ANNIE is in her mid-twenties.)
ANNIE: Chuck, they ought to lock you up.
CHUCK II: What … ?
ANNIE: You are shameless, Chuck.
CHUCK: This is nothing, you know.
AMY: What.
CHUCK II: Annie, what?
CHUCK: I once played miniature golf in Japan.
AMY: In Japan?
ANNIE: Oh, right.
CHUCK: Right there on the slopes of Mount Fuji.
CHUCK II: I’ve never taken a girl miniature-golfing in my entire life!
ANNIE: I’ll bet.
CHUCK II: I swear!
CHUCK: I swear!
CHUCK II: Or anybody else’s entire life!
AMY AND ANNIE: Uh-huh.
CHUCK II: You don’t believe me?
ANNIE: With your reputation?
CHUCK II: What reputation?
ANNIE: Don Juan.
CHUCK II: Oh Amy, Amy. You have to learn to trust people.
CHUCK (as AMY gets ready to tee off again): Trust yourself, now.
ANNIE: Annie.
CHUCK II: Excuse me?
ANNIE: My name is Annie. You called me Amy.
CHUCK II: I’m sorry. Annie.
ANNIE (sets her “ball” doum): I’m going to keep my eye on you.
CHUCK (to AMY): Just keep your eye on the ball.
CHUCK II: Annie-way—prepare to fall in love tonight. With miniature golf.
ANNIE: Oh yes?
CHUCK II: This game is bigger than you or me, you know.
ANNIE: Very clever. I just hope nobody sees me out here.
CHUCK AND CHUCK II (as AMY and ANNIE tee off): Puck!
CHUCK II: Aaaaaaaaand …
CHUCK : Aaaaaaaaaaaaand …
AMY: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm …
ANNIE (her typical sound, at missing a shot): Nyugh!
AMY: Ohhhhhhhhhh …
CHUCK: Too bad.
CHUCK II: Nice lay, though.
CHUCK: Very nice lay.
CHUCK II (off Annie’s look): It’s just a golfing term.
CHUCK: It’s perfectly innocent.
AMY AND ANNIE: I’m sure. (The women get ready to putt again.)
CHUCK: But you know in Japan, the people are so short, miniature golf is really miniature over there. Like this high. (Ankle-height.)
AMY: Very cute.
CHUCK: You didn’t know that, but it’s true.
CHUCK II: Did you know, by the way, that a race of dwarves once covered the earth? This is what they left behind.
ANNIE: Ha, ha.
CHUCK II: This was their Stonehenge.
ANNIE: Very cute.
CHUCK II: You didn’t know that but it’s true.
AMY: I know you’re only trying to distract me.
ANNIE: You’re not going to distract me.
CHUCK II: Puck!
CHUCK: Puck!
CHUCK AND CHUCK II: Aaaaaaaaaaaaand—
CHUCK II (as ANNIE misses): BONG.
ANNIE: Nyugh!
AMY: Ohhhhhhhhhhh …
CHUCK II: Anyway, that’s why I come out here. To sense a cosmic connection with my shorter predecessors.
AMY: Did you just make all that up?
ANNIE: Does somebody write all this for you?
CHUCK AND CHUCK II: What?
AMY: Golfing in Japan.
CHUCK II: I don’t make anything up.
CHUCK: This is truth!
ANNIE: You do have …
AMY: There is something about you …
ANNIE: Charm. I guess.
CHUCK II: I’m a very serious guy!
CHUCK: I’m a very serious guy, at heart.
AMY: You sure have a way of making everything mean something else.
CHUCK: And that’s exactly what I like about miniature golf.
CHUCK II: Do you know what I like about this game?
CHUCK: It means something else.
CHUCK II: It’s a metaphor.
CHUCK: It’s a great metaphor.
ANNIE: Okay. A metaphor.
AMY AND ANNIE: What for?
AMY: I know.
ANNIE: For sex.
AMY: For seduction.
CHUCK: No—
CHUCK II: No—
ANNIE: Sure. “Keeping score”
AMY: “Getting it in the hole”
CHUCK: No—
CHUCK II: No—
CHUCK: No! It’s a metaphor for life!
CHUCK II: For death.
ANNIE: Did you say “for death”?
CHUCK II: Those aren’t just holes out there.
CHUCK: These are stages on the journey of life.
CHUCK II: The course always leads to the same final place.
CHUCK: But the course is different for everybody.
CHUCK II: Sand traps.
CHUCK: Water holes.
CHUCK II: The sands of time.
CHUCK: The oases of purification.
CHUCK II: The final hole.
CHUCK: The verdant fairways …
AMY: What a beautiful idea!
ANNIE: What a crock of manure!
CHUCK: And I believe it.
ANNIE: Right. The five stages of miniature golf: anger, denial, grief, blame—and a windmill.
CHUCK II: That’s good, Amy.
CHUCK: You’re a good person.
ANNIE: Annie.
; CHUCK II: Annie.
CHUCK: Amy.
CHUCK II: Maybe you’re afraid of the challenge of miniature golf.
ANNIE: I’m afraid of the challenge of miniature men.
CHUCK II: Ha!
CHUCK AND CHUCK II: Play on?
AMY: Yeah.
ANNIE: Definitely.
AMY AND ANNIE: Let’s play on.
CHUCK II: Good.
CHUCK AND CHUCK II (as the women putt): Puck!
CHUCK: Aaaaaaaaand …
CHUCK II: Aaaaaaaaaaaand …
AMY (joining in, overlapping): Mmmmmmimnmmmmmmmm!
ANNIE (joining in, overlapping): Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
AMY AND ANNIE: YES!
CHUCK II: Nice shot.
CHUCK: Nice shot.
AMY: Boy, that felt good!
ANNIE: Whoo!
AMY: Well!
ANNIE: Wow. Thought I wasn’t up to it, huh.
CHUCK: I told you you’d like it.
CHUCK II: Maybe you only needed to … handle the equipment.
ANNIE: But the club is so small.
CHUCK II: Ha, ha.
ANNIE: Ho, ho.
AMY: It really is an erotic thrill, isn’t it?
CHUCK II: Okay.
CHUCK: You want to see an erotic thrill?
CHUCK II: Watch this.
CHUCK AND CHUCK II (as they tee off, a soft sexual moan): Mmf. (As the ball travels, the orgasm grows.)
CHUCK: Oh, yes …
CHUCK II: Yes…
AMY: Mmnunmmmmmmmmmm…
CHUCK: Yes … !
ANNIE: Ohhhhhhhhhh …
CHUCK II: YES!
CHUCK: YES!
AMY AND ANNIE: OHHHHHHHHHHHH!
CHUCK II: YES!
CHUCK: YES!
CHUCK AND CHUCK II: BINGO! (Collective fading postorgasmic moan.)
AMY: Boy! Nice shot!
CHUCK: Am I good?
CHUCK II: Am I good?
ANNIE: You’re good, all right.
AMY: You’re very good.
CHUCK II: Okay. Let’s put this down for infinity. (The two CHUCKS mark their scorecards.) A hole in one …
CHUCK: Another hole in one …
CHUCK AND CHUCK II: For Chuck.
CHUCK II: So are you enjoying yourself?
AMY: I’m having a very good time.
ANNIE: I am enjoying myself, in spite of myself.
CHUCK: Good.
CHUCK II: It takes so little, you know. To make people happy. Amy—
ANNIE: Annie.
CHUCK II: Annie …
CHUCK: Have you ever thought that there’s a design in our lives?
CHUCK II: Maybe there’s something bigger than all this.
ANNIE: Polo?
AMY: I think so.
CHUCK II: And you could be a part of it.
CHUCK: You could be a part of some greater design in my life.
CHUCK II: You’re so different.
CHUCK: You’re so different, somehow.
CHUCK II: You’re not just … Annie-body.
ANNIE: Ha, ha.
CHUCK II: We could just forget golf, you know.
CHUCK: We could just go over to my place. The night is young.
CHUCK II: The stars are out.…
ANNIE: And chuck the game?
AMY: Why don’t we see who wins first.
ANNIE: Let’s play on a little.
CHUCK: Okay.
CHUCK AND CHUCK II: FORE!
CHUCK III (offstage): FORE!
(CHUCK III enters with ALMA.)
CHUCK III: Do you know I’ve never taken a girl miniature-golfing before?
ALMA: Oh yeah, how come? I been on lots of minichure-golf dates. (That stops CHUCK III a little.)
CHUCK III: Oh, really … ?
ALMA: Sure, I love minichure golf. I play it all the time.
CHUCK III (not too heartily): Well good …
CHUCK II: Did I tell you that I once played miniature golf in Japan?
ANNIE: In Japan?
CHUCK II: Yeah. Miniature golf is really miniature over there. (Ankle-height.)
ANNIE: Ha, ha.
CHUCK (clearing his throat): Hem, hem.
AMY: I know you’re only trying to distract me.
CHUCK II: Hem, hem.
ANNIE: Very cute. May I play on now?
CHUCK II: Please.
CHUCK III: Did you know that a race of dwarves once covered the earth?
ALMA: They DID? Dwarfs?
CHUCK III: Well. Not really.
ALMA: You mean like midgets? Were all over the world?
CHUCK III: I was only kidding, actually.
ALMA: Oh boy, you had me scared! But I bet if that was true, they probably would’ve left something like this behind, huh? Like Stonehenge or something.
CHUCK III: Yeah.
ALMA: Wouldn’t that be funny?
CHUCK III: Hysterical.
ANNIE: But why don’t you go first.
AMY: You go first this time.
CHUCK: All right.
CHUCK II: Gladly.
ALMA: You want to go first?
CHUCK III: Be my guest. But just remember: this game is bigger than either one of us.
ALMA: Huh?
CHUCK III: It’s bigger than us. Bigger … ?
ALMA: Oh. “Bigger” than us.
CHUCK III: Than us. Just a little joke, (CHUCK, CHUCK II, and ALMA line up to tee off.)
AMY (clearing her throat): Hem.
ANNIE (clearing her throat): Hem.
CHUCK II: That’s not going to work, you know.
AMY (as CHUCK putts): Puck!
ANNIE (as CHUCK II putts): Puck!
CHUCK III (as ALMA putts): Puck!
CHUCKS I, II, AND III: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand …
CHUCK (misses): Oof.
CHUCK II (misses): Ouch.
AMY AND ANNIE: BONG.
ALMA: YES! A HOLE IN ONE!
ANNIE: Too bad.
AMY: Nice try, though.
ALMA: Was that good?
CHUCK III: That was good, Amy.
ALMA: Alma.
CHUCK III: Huh?
ALMA: My name is Alma, you called me Amy.
CHUCK III: Oh. Sorry.
ALMA: No problem. You want to shoot?
AMY AND ANNIE (as CHUCK and CHUCK II putt again): Puck!
CHUCK AND CHUCK II: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand …
CHUCK III: You know what I like about miniature golf?
ALMA: The metaphor?
AMY AND ANNIE: BONG.
ANNIE: Too bad.
ALMA: Do you like the life metaphor or the death metaphor?
CHUCK III: Uh—well. Never mind.
AMY: Nice try.
CHUCK III: It’s not important.
ALMA: I just Uke this ’cause it’s fun. Like sex or something. You want to … shoot?
CHUCK III: Sure.
ANNIE (as CHUCK II putts): Puck!
AMY (as CHUCK putts): Puck!
CHUCK III (putting): Puck!
CHUCK (dully): And—
CHUCK II (not much verve): Bingo, (ALMA does a raspberry.)
AMY: I wouldn’t worry about it.
ANNIE: You’re right on par for the hole, (AMY, ANNIE, and CHUCK III get ready to putt.)
ALMA: You’ve got quite a reputation, you know.
CHUCK III: Who, me?
ALMA: Yeah. As a Donald Juan.
CHUCK III: Oh. A Donald Juan.
ALMA: But you’re gripping it wrong.
CHUCK III: Excuse me?
ALMA: Keep your thumbs down.
CHUCK III: Oh. Thanks.
CHUCK (as AMY putts): Puck.
AMY: Yes!
CHUCK II (as ANNIE putts): Puck.
ANNIE: Excellent!
CHUCK II (as he putts): Puck.
ALMA: (Raspberry.) Lousy lay, too. That’s a golfing term.
ANNIE AND AMY: Scorecard, please, (CHUCK and CHUCK II hand over their scorecards.)
CHUCK III: You know I on
ce played miniature golf in Japan?
ALMA: Must be pretty minichure, the people are so short.
CHUCK III: We haven’t gone out before, have we?
ALMA: No.
CHUCK III: I mean, we haven’t played this course before, have we?
ALMA: I don’t think so.
AMY AND ANNIE: FORE!
CHUCK: So anyway.
CHUCK II: What’s your story, Annie?
CHUCK: What’s your background?
CHUCK III: Got any family?
AMY: I have two brothers.
ANNIE: Three sisters.
ALMA: Two brothers, a sister, a step-sister, a half-brother, and my dog Barky.
CHUCKS I, II, AND III: Uh-huh.
CHUCK (as he putts): Puck.
CHUCK II (as he putts): Puck.
CHUCK III (as he putts): Puck.
ALMA: Do you have to make those noises?
CHUCK: Ouch.
CHUCK II: Oof.
AMY AND ANNIE: BONG.
CHUCK III: What noises?
ALMA: You make noises while you golf.
CHUCK III: Oh. Sorry.
ALMA: Your shot again, Dick.
CHUCK III: It’s Chuck.
ALMA: Oh. Sorry, (CHUCKS I, II, and III prepare to putt again.)
AMY: Anyway …
ANNIE: My mother’s dead.
AMY: My father lives in Arkansas.
ALMA: My brother is an undertaker.
CHUCK AND CHUCK II: Puck!
AMY AND ANNIE: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand—
ALMA: My sister is a dyke.
AMY AND ANNIE: BONG!
ALMA (as CHUCK III misses): (Raspberry.)
CHUCK III: You know, you make noises too.
ALMA: I do?
CHUCK III: Oh yeah.
ALMA: Funny. I never noticed.
CHUCK II: So this brother …
CHUCK: How old is your sister?
ANNIE: I don’t have a brother.
AMY: It’s two brothers.
CHUCK III: So your mother is dead?
ALMA: No, she’s a beautician.
CHUCK: But your father is a carpenter?
CHUCK II: Your mother lives in Michigan?
CHUCK III: And you’re divorced?
AMY, ANNIE, AND ALMA: No!
AMY: He’s a pickle packer.
ANNIE: Buried in Kansas.
ALMA: But I do have a boyfriend in the Navy.
CHUCKS I, II, AND III: Oh. (The three CHUCKS putt.)
AMY AND ANNIE: Puck!
CHUCK AND CHUCK II: Aaaaaaaaaaaaand—!
AMY, ANNIE, CHUCKS I AND II: BINGO!
ALMA: (Raspberry.)
CHUCK III: You know I can’t hit the ball if I don’t go “puck.”
ALMA: “Puck”?
CHUCK III: I have to make a noise if I’m going to hit it right.
ALMA: Oh. Okay. Make a noise.
CHUCK III: It’s my nature.
ALMA: Okay.
CHUCK III: I’m used to it.
ALMA: Go ahead. Make all the noise you want.
CHUCK (referring to CHUCK III): Looks like we’ve got a real moron up ahead here.