by David Ives
CHUCK III (feeling ALMA watching him): You’re not going to make me miss my shot.
ALMA: It’s two inches away! Just hit it!
CHUCK AND CHUCK II: Playing through!
CHUCK III: Puck.
CHUCK AND CHUCK II: Playing through!
CHUCK III: And bingo.
AMY: Okay, now.
ANNIE: This is war.
CHUCK AND CHUCK II, AMY, ANNIE (as AMY and ANNIE putt): Puck!
CHUCK AND CHUCK II: Aaaaaaaaaaaaand …
AMY AND ANNIE: All right!
CHUCK AND CHUCK II, AMY, ANNIE (as CHUCK, CHUCK II, and ALMA putt): Puck!
AMY AND ANNIE: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand …
CHUCK AND CHUCK II: BINGO!
ALMA: Yes! ANOTHER HOLE IN ONE! Want to shoot?
CHUCK AND AMY: Puck!
AMY: Ohhh …
CHUCK II AND ANNIE: Puck!
ANNIE: Nyugh!
ALMA: Pork! [Raspberry.]
CHUCK III: It’s “puck.”
ALMA: Oh. Sorry.
CHUCKS I, II, III, AMY, ANNIE (operatic, Wagnerian): PUCK!
CHUCK: Ouch.
CHUCK II: Oof.
ANNIE: Nyugh.
AMY: Yes.
CHUCK AND CHUCK II: Bingo!
ANNIE: Aaaaaaaaaaand …
AMY: Aaaaaaaaaaaaand …
CHUCK: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand …
CHUCK II: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand …
ALMA: (Raspberry.)
CHUCK AND CHUCK II, AMY, ANNIE (Wagnerian): PUCK!
CHUCK II: Ouch.
CHUCK: Oof.
ANNIE: Yes!
AMY: Ohhhhhhh …! (Crescendo to very loud.)
CHUCK II: Aaaaaaaand …
CHUCK: Aaaaaaaaaaand …
AMY: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm …
ANNIE: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm …
CHUCK AND CHUCK II: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AND—
AMY AND ANNIE: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM—
CHUCK III (quietly): Bingo.
CHUCK AND CHUCK II, AMY, ANNIE, ALMA: YES!
CHUCK: Okay, so where do we come out?
CHUCK II: What’s the score?
CHUCK III (exhausted): Are we done yet?
ANNIE: Sorry, Chuck.
AMY: You win. (Falls into CHUCK’s arms.)
ANNIE: You lose. (Shows CHUCK II the scorecard.)
CHUCK III: Don’t tell me. I lost.
ALMA: You didn’t lose. We got nine more holes.
CHUCK III: The nine circles of hell.
ALMA: Well listen. You wanna fuck?
CHUCK III: I resign.
BLACKOUT
SEVEN MENUS
This play is for Steve Kaplan
Seven Menus was first presented by the Manhattan Punch Line Theatre (Steve Kaplan, artistic director) in New York City in January 1989. It was directed by Fred Sanders; the set design was by James Wolk; costume design was by Fontilla Boone; lighting design was by Danianne Mizzy. The cast was as follows:
PAUL Peter Basch
HAZEL Melissa Weil
RUTH Tessie Hogan
JACK Michael Piontek
BARRY Gary Cookson
DAWN Debra Stricklin
PHYLLIS Nancy McDonald
FLUFF David Konig
SCENE ONE
A restaurant booth, JACK, RUTH, HAZEL, and PAUL. All in their early thirties. Reading menus.
PAUL: So why do they call this place Seven Menus?
HAZEL: I really like this place, Ruth.
RUTH: I thought you would.
PAUL: There’s only one menu.
HAZEL: “Interesting” decor.
RUTH: Jack introduced me.
JACK: I like to think of this as a higher order of coffee shop. A sort of a transcendental diner.
HAZEL: Well it’s the first menu I’ve ever seen that says Substitutions Welcomed.
PAUL: Shouldn’t we ask for the other six?
HAZEL: The other six what.
PAUL: The other six menus.
JACK: Paul.
PAUL: Huh?
JACK AND RUTH: What happened? (This is an old bit between these two, as if to say, “Paul—wake up.”)
PAUL: I knew they were going to say that.
JACK: What happened, Paul?
PAUL: I knew you two were going to say that.
JACK: We always know exactly what we’re going to say.
RUTH: That’s the great part.
JACK: It is?
RUTH: Well it’s part of the great part.
JACK: The other part we’ll save for later. (They kiss.)
HAZEL: Cool it, lovebirds. We’ve got health regulations to watch out for here.
PAUL: I don’t get it.
HAZEL: Are you still searching for the lost menu?
PAUL: Yeah. Why Seven Menus if there’s only one?
HAZEL: Maybe it’s a translation.
PAUL: Whatever happened to truth in advertising?
HAZEL: Maybe “seven menus” is Chinese for happiness or something.
PAUL: But the place isn’t Chinese. I can’t tell what it is.
JACK: That’s what they’ll say about you someday, you know.
RUTH: About me?
JACK: You’re in advertising, aren’t you?
RUTH: I am indeed.
JACK: They’ll say whatever happened to Ruth in advertising?
HAZEL: Ouch. Ouch.
JACK: Sorry.
PAUL: Who owns this place, anyway?
JACK: Greeks.
JACK AND RUTH: Of course.
RUTH: Greeks own all restaurants everywhere.
JACK: After inventing tragedy, all that was left was food services.
PAUL: This is all going too fast for me.
HAZEL: Well who wants what. Let’s order.
RUTH: Will you look at that menu?
HAZEL: Cajun kielbasa? Char Soo with beansprouts … ?
JACK: And Billie Holiday on the jukebox.
PAUL: What’s “joyau de la chasse”?
JACK: You got me.
HAZEL: “Joy of the chase”?
RUTH: Crown of the chase. Wild fowl stuffed with venison.
JACK: How did you know that?
RUTH: I don’t know. Doesn’t everybody know that?
JACK: I didn’t know that.
HAZEL: She must’ve had it with some other guy, Jack.
JACK: I guess so.
HAZEL: Well I want a salad.
RUTH: Pastrami on rye for me.
JACK (nibbling one of RUTH’s fingers): I want just this one digit.
RUTH: Finger food, huh.
PAUL: You know what I’ve got a taste for? French toast.
HAZEL: For supper?
PAUL: Actually it’s the syrup. What I really want is some sugar.
HAZEL: Well it’s a change, anyway.
PAUL: Only there’s no French toast on the menu.
JACK: So order another menu.
PAUL: Where are the other menus?
HAZEL: Do you know that all the time we were dating, no matter what time of day it was, all Paul would ever order was meatloaf with gravy, mashed potatoes and peas? Every date we ever went out on, morning, noon or night.
PAUL: Or maybe some pancakes…
JACK: So Paul used to be a real meatloaf-and-potatoes kinda guy.
RUTH: Now all he wants is sugar.
JACK: It’s a sad change.
RUTH: I saw it coming.
HAZEL: Anyway, he’d mix the peas in with the mashed potatoes, then swirl in the gravy and sort of beat the meatloaf into submission, then stir the whole mess around on his plate till it was practically soup. And then he’d use a tablespoon to eat this goo.
JACK: Does his therapist know about this?
RUTH: I can’t believe you married a guy who did things like that, Hazel.
JACK: Sick, baby.
PAUL: What about waffles? Do you think they have waffles at this place?
JACK: They have everything at this place.
PAUL: Everything but what
I want.
RUTH: When do you guys leave for the Cape?
PAUL: Saturday morning, ten sharp.
RUTH: Well! That sure raised you out of your usual lethargy.
PAUL: You guys should come up and see the house.
JACK: I’d be outclassed.
PAUL: You can test the undertow.
HAZEL: You know, Ruth, I saw Scott when I was up in Providence.
RUTH: Oh yeah? How was that?
JACK: Should I leave the table?
HAZEL: Sit down.
RUTH: Did you talk to him?
HAZEL: Are you kidding? I gave him hell.
RUTH: No.
HAZEL: Not really.
JACK: I think I will leave the table.
RUTH: Oh sit down, Tristan.
HAZEL: I said that Ruth had hooked up with this terrific guy named Jack.… (JACK whistles, to drown out her words.) … and that she was very happy …
JACK: This is excruciating.
HAZEL: … and that he—i.e., Scott—was past past past. Imperfect.
JACK: Did you say a terrific but penniless guy named Jack?
HAZEL: No, I just said terrific.
RUTH: It’s all right, darling, I’ll pay your check.
HAZEL: I don’t know why you should find this excruciating.
JACK: Because I could be him someday. People sitting around and calling me a jerk, and me without the girl.
HAZEL: He was a jerk.
JACK: Just reminds you, a little, of the transience of love.
RUTH: Love? Transient?
JACK: You know what I studied in college, don’t you?
HAZEL: I’m afraid to ask.
JACK: Romance Languishes.
HAZEL: Oof.
PAUL: That’s pretty funny.
RUTH: So what did he say? When you talked to him.
HAZEL: Nothing. Just looked at me. You know.
RUTH: I can just see it.
JACK: Now I am leaving the table.
HAZEL: Oh sit down. We’re all adults here.
JACK AND RUTH: We are?
HAZEL: Yeah. Believe it or not, kids, this is adult life.
JACK: Everybody else has three bank accounts and a house in the country.
RUTH: I don’t have a house in the country.
JACK: But you will have a house in the country.
RUTH: Money isn’t everything, you know.
JACK: It isn’t?
RUTH: No it’s not.
JACK: Thank God! (They kiss.)
PAUL: Does anybody else want waffles?
HAZEL (sighs): True love. Isn’t it wonderful?
(A bell rings. They freeze as they are for a moment, JACK exits and BARRY enters and takes his place next to RUTH. Another bell rings.)
SCENE TWO
PAUL: But how’s the big deal going, Barry?
BARRY: It’s going great.
PAUL: Really?
BARRY: We close on it the end of this week.
PAUL: Terrific.
HAZEL: Did you get the price you wanted?
BARRY: Better than we wanted.
HAZEL: Sure must be wonderful being with somebody who deals in zillions all day.
BARRY: Parts of zillions, anyway.
HAZEL: A part of a zillion goes a long way.
RUTH: Hang out with somebody in high finance for a while, Hazel. That’ll teach you how little you know about the world.
BARRY: So how come they call this place Seven Menus? There’s only one menu here.
PAUL: It’s part of the place’s mystique.
RUTH: Hegel wrestled with that question for years.
HAZEL: So did Kierkegaard.
BARRY: Hegel what?
PAUL: Hasn’t Ruth brought you in here before, Barry?
BARRY: No, but I’ve heard so much about the place I feel like a regular.
HAZEL: We’ve been coming in here with Ruth and—uh, with Ruth for a long time.
BARRY: Well I’m sure hungry.
PAUL: I’m starving.
RUTH: Who’s going to have what?
PAUL: I want something with some sugar.
HAZEL: I feel like having something different.…
BARRY: What’s good on this menu?
HAZEL: The other six menus.
BARRY: So what do I do with this menu?
HAZEL, PAUL, AND RUTH: Order another menu.
BARRY: What?
PAUL: Order another menu when the waiter comes. I went through this once myself, Barry.
RUTH: It’s an ancient routine.
(BARRY suddenly starts to laugh.)
BARRY: Do you know we had a guy come in this past week with a suitcase full of money?
PAUL: Into your office?
BARRY: Yeah, just walked into the office with a suitcase full of dough. Fifties and hundreds, just laying there loose. Marches in, opens the case, shows them to the receptionist.
HAZEL: Did she offer marriage?
BARRY: No, she called me out there.
HAZEL: Did you offer marriage?
RUTH: No, listen to this. It’s incredible.
BARRY: So he shows me all this money. There must’ve been fifty-sixty thousand dollars in this briefcase.
PAUL: I thought it was a suitcase.
BARRY: No, it was a leather briefcase.
PAUL: I thought you said suitcase.
HAZEL: There’s a lot of difference between a suitcase and a briefcase full of money.
RUTH: Several years in prison, I think.
BARRY: Anyway, he wanted us to do something with all this money. Comes in off the street and just asks us to do something with all this money. He didn’t even know what! (He laughs.)
HAZEL: So what did you do?
BARRY: Are you kidding? Kicked his ass back out in the street!
HAZEL: Seems a peculiar thing to do to a person with a briefcase full of money.
BARRY: Who knows where he got all that dough. Could’ve been drugs, embezzlement, who knows.
HAZEL: I figure if somebody walks in with a suitcase or even a briefcase full of happiness, just grab it and run.
BARRY: No such luck, Hazel. Money is never just money.
RUTH: But isn’t that incredible?
HAZEL: Yeah …
PAUL: That settles it.
RUTH: What.
PAUL: A hot fudge sundae.
HAZEL: I’m glad you’re still concentrating on the essentials.
BARRY: Guess it’s that time, huh. Think I’ll try the meatloaf.
RUTH AND HAZEL: Uh-oh!
HAZEL: Meatloaf alert!
BARRY: What’s so funny? What’s everybody laughing about?
RUTH: Nothing. Just don’t mix the meatloaf in with the vegetables.
BARRY: Why not?
HAZEL: Look what happened to us.
PAUL: Private joke, Bare.
RUTH: Paul used to use meatloaf as a sort of mating dance before they got married.
BARRY: Oh.
RUTH: So there’s your warning, Hun.
BARRY: Maybe I better go for breast of chicken and play it safe.
HAZEL: Well I’m going to try the Welsh rarebit.
PAUL: Hot fudge for me.
RUTH: I’m going to go the whole hog and do the turkey dinner.
BARRY: Actually, speaking of such things …
RUTH: Turkeys?
BARRY: Mating dances.
HAZEL: What.
BARRY (to RUTH): Should we tell them?
RUTH: You mean now?
BARRY: Why not.
HAZEL: Wake up, Paul.
PAUL: What’s going on?
HAZEL: I think something’s on the way.
RUTH (to BARRY): You or me?
BARRY: Ruth and I are going to get married.
HAZEL: Hooray!
PAUL: Hey, that’s terrific, you guys.
HAZEL: Gimme kiss. (She and RUTH kiss.)
PAUL: Congratulations, that’s really terrific.
BARRY: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
>
HAZEL: I’ve seen this coming for minutes. Months.
PAUL: When’s the date?
RUTH: We don’t know yet.
BARRY: I say the sooner the better.
RUTH: That’s so it doesn’t interfere with all these deals.
HAZEL: Oh hell, it’s just a marriage. Run down the road and shanghai the first J.P. you can find.
RUTH: My mother is hysterical.
RUTH AND HAZEL (together): Of course.
HAZEL: Well I say here’s to it. Raise your water glasses, everybody.
BARRY: My glass is dirty.
HAZEL: Raise it anyway. To marriage, and all the rest of it.
ALL: To marriage!
(Bell. They freeze as they are for a moment, HAZEL exits, and DAWN, twenty-four, enters and takes her place next to PAUL. RUTH takes out a book and reads. Another bell.)
SCENE THREE
PAUL: Anyway I was thinking that after the wedding Dawn and I could do a week at the Cape, then a week just driving around, then maybe take a couple of weeks in Florida with her parents and get in some scuba diving.
BARRY: You’ve really shaken Paul out of his usual lethargy, Dawn. He’s a totally new man.
DAWN: I guess I’m just an activity-oriented person by nature.
BARRY: He used to be practically comatose till you came along. Paul—what happened, huh? What happened?
DAWN: But you know what all that lethargy was.
BARRY: What was that.
DAWN: It was all that sugar! That’s why Paul’s always been so low-energy. It was a sugar O.D.
PAUL: Now I’m off sugar I’m a dynamo.
BARRY: You sure look trim.
PAUL: Do I look trim?
RUTH: I didn’t know you could scuba dive, Paul.
PAUL: Huh?
RUTH: I said I didn’t know that you could scuba dive.
PAUL: Dawn’s going to teach me.
DAWN: I love scuba diving. I’ve been doing it since, God, since I was about ten.
RUTH: So you’re still using the house on the Cape?
PAUL: What, me?
RUTH: Yeah. I thought…
PAUL: No, Hazel and I split it up. Haifa month each.
BARRY: That’s a fair arrangement.
PAUL: Yeah, it all works out okay.
BARRY: That’s very equitable.
DAWN: It’s the least she could do, you know.
RUTH: I beg pardon?
DAWN: Hazel. I mean she and Paul bought the house together, fifty-fifty. And you don’t want ’em to just sell it, right?
RUTH: Mm.
PAUL: Anyway, you two guys’ll have to come up for a weekend.
BARRY: There’s an idea.