by David Ives
DAWN: Yeah, come up and test the water.
PAUL: Get a change of air.
BARRY: Or you two could come up to our place.
DAWN: Do you have a house too?
PAUL: They’ve got a real country house.
BARRY: Up in the mountains.
DAWN: Oh I love the mountains.
BARRY: Southern Vermont.
DAWN: I love Vermont.
BARRY: Do you like to ski?
RUTH: She loves to ski.
DAWN: I do love to ski.
BARRY (to RUTH): Hey.
RUTH: What. Something wrong?
DAWN: What’s the matter?
BARRY: Nothing.
RUTH: Must’ve been something I ate. Not enough sugar or something.
BARRY: Maybe if you put the goddamn book down.…
PAUL: You know what I’m going to have?
DAWN: You don’t even have to tell me.
PAUL: Meatloaf and potatoes and gravy.
DAWN: I knew it!
PAUL: With peas.
DAWN: I knew it! Every time we go out, night or day, it’s always meatloaf and mashed potatoes and peas.
RUTH: And then he mashes them all together on his plate? Mixes the peas into the potatoes and stirs it all around?
DAWN: How did you know?
RUTH: Womanly intuition. But maybe you’ll get a quarter of the house on the Cape. Someday.
DAWN: What’s she talking about?
PAUL: Just a private joke.
DAWN: A quarter of the house … ?
BARRY: What do you do for a living, Dawn?
DAWN: I’m a food therapist.
RUTH: A food therapist?
DAWN: Uh-huh. So I treat things like obesity, and anorexia, and—you know—things like that.
BARRY: Sounds fascinating.
DAWN: I think it’s a terrific way of finding out what makes people tick.
RUTH: Or burp, I suppose.
PAUL: You should hear some of her stories. Like this guy who was so fat he had to have his bed reinforced so he didn’t just disappear right through the floor.
DAWN: That was due to a gland condition, though.
PAUL: Guy could’ve ended up in China!
DAWN: There was nothing the man could do about it since it was all glandular.
BARRY: Incredible.
DAWN: Everything is glands when you get right down to it.
RUTH: Are we about ready to order?
DAWN: Then there’s bulimia.
RUTH: Could we save bulimia for after dessert?
PAUL: Sure. Sure.
BARRY: Well who wants what.
DAWN: I haven’t even had time to study this menu.
PAUL: Meatloaf for me.
DAWN: They have pheasant here?
PAUL: They have everything here.
RUTH: Here’s something. (Refers to her book.) New statistics. Single women live longer than married women.
DAWN: Wow.
PAUL: Really?
DAWN: So single women live longer than married women?
RUTH: I think I just said that. But listen to this (she is about to read more from her book)—
BARRY (interrupting): Oh come on.
RUTH: Come on what.
BARRY: You ought to be able to see through that.
RUTH: See through what.
BARRY: You’re in advertising, you know how to juggle figures. You can crunch a bunch of numbers any way you want.
DAWN: What else does it say?
RUTH: It says that single women are also overwhelmingly happier than married women.
DAWN: I didn’t know that.
BARRY: Happy according to who?
RUTH: Happy according to themselves.
BARRY: Here’s a woman hauling down a huge salary who can’t see through a lot of crooked figures.
RUTH: Are we going to order? If we’re not, I’ve got things to do at home.
BARRY: Just hold your horses, okay? Hold your horses. We’ll order.
DAWN: You know, I was sitting on the bus the other day reading this book of stories, and I was laughing out loud—
PAUL: That book you read to me from?
DAWN: Yeah, and I was laughing really hard, and there was this guy sitting next to me, kind of an old guy, and he says, “Whatcha reading,” and I said, “Stories.”
BARRY: He was probably trying to pick you up.
DAWN: But listen to this. He says, “Looks like those stories are pretty funny,” and I said some of them were funny, and then he says: “Have you got any heartrending ones in there?”
BARRY: Huh.
DAWN: Isn’t that funny?
PAUL: “Have you got any heartrending ones in there …”
DAWN: I thought it was kind of sad.
BARRY: Yeah.
PAUL: How’s business with you, Barry?
BARRY: Oh, you know. Nothing ever changes.
(Bell. RUTH and PAUL leave, DAWN joins BARRY on his side of the table, and he puts an arm around her. PHYLLIS sits at the table, FLUFF stands behind her. Bell.)
SCENE FOUR
BARRY: But once in a while you want something different.
DAWN: We sure don’t do this all the time, you know.
BARRY: You want to try something new.
DAWN: In fact we’ve never done it before in all our lives.
BARRY: New faces, new bodies, new sensations.
DAWN: I never even read those swinger magazines.
BARRY: Makes for a little sauce, you know what I mean?
DAWN: I mean, isn’t it a little strange, advertising yourself for sex?
BARRY (referring to FLUFF): Does your, uh, friend want to sit and join the party, or … ?
PHYLLIS: You two don’t have any serious social diseases, do you?
DAWN AND BARRY (together): Social dis—? What, social diseases?
DAWN: Oh no. No. I’ve never had a single thing like that.
BARRY: I had the clap a couple of times in college, but who didn’t?
FLUFF: Do you have a very large penis?
BARRY: Excuse me?
FLUFF: Your penis. I have to watch out for my friend here.
DAWN: But here we are talking about penises and we don’t even know your names!
FLUFF: I’m Simon.
PHYLLIS: No he’s not.
FLUFF: I’m Charlie.
PHYLLIS: No he’s not.
FLUFF: I am the Catch of the Day.
PHYLLIS: I’m Phyllis and he’s Fluff.
BARRY: “Fluff”—?
FLUFF (holds up four fingers): Yeah. Three f’s.
BARRY: Kind of an interesting name.
FLUFF: Anglo-Saxon.
DAWN (to PHYLLIS): Is he part of our—you know—liaison?
PHYLLIS: He’s along for the ride.
BARRY: So are you guys gonna eat… or shall we retire for some fun?
PHYLLIS: You’re going to have to do a lot better than that. (Picks up the menu.) Seven Menus, huh …
BARRY: Yeah, you noticed the name? It’s part of the place’s mystique. Hegel once wrote a book about why they call this place Seven Menus.
FLUFF: There’s no mystery about the name.
BARRY: I beg pardon?
FLUFF: You get a different menu depending on when you come in here.
BARRY: But I’ve been in here all hours of the day and it’s always the same menu.
FLUFF: Sure. But you’re different.
BARRY: Huh?
FLUFF: You’re not the same person at supper that you were at breakfast. Breakfast, brunch, lunch, afternoon snack, cocktails, supper and midnight munch. These are the Seven Ages of Man. (Pause.)
DAWN: Didn’t your ad say that you’re in advertising?
PHYLLIS: Yeah, I run an ad agency.
DAWN: That must be great!
PHYLLIS: It has its moments. How’s the pastitsio?
BARRY: It’s good, it’s good. I never tried it, but everything is good here.
DAWN: I always kind of wished I we
nt into advertising when I had the chance.
BARRY: Do we need to talk about advertising? Let’s talk about your-place-or-ours.
DAWN: Barry’s ex used to be in advertising.
PHYLLIS: Really.
DAWN: God she was a terrible person.
BARRY: Yeah well…
FLUFF: I always liked her, actually.
DAWN: Barry’s ex?
FLUFF: Yeah. I thought she was terrific.
DAWN: Did you know her?
FLUFF: Warm. Funny. Vulnerable. Lemon-flavored. Static-free. I still miss the bitch, to tell you the truth.
DAWN: What are you? I mean—what do you do for a living?
FLUFF: I don’t do anything. I live off of her.
BARRY: Nice work if you can get it.
PHYLLIS: But he also knows the true meaning of tenderness.
BARRY: I’m in the middle of a career change, myself.
DAWN: He got fired.
BARRY: I used to be in high finance, but lately I’ve been thinking I might go into food services.
FLUFF: Food services …
BARRY: Yeah.
DAWN: Anyway, how did you—
BARRY: Food services is a very, very, very interesting field.
DAWN: But how did you get to run a whole agency?
BARRY: Dawn here is in food therapy. I was thinking she and I could team up. I could cater the food, and she could provide the therapy, after.
FLUFF: Brilliant.
BARRY: Just stay away from high finance, that’s my advice.
DAWN: Oh Barry …
BARRY: You get into some weird deals and you are gone, buddy.
DAWN: Are we gonna order now?
BARRY: You know one time a guy came into our office with a couple of hundred thousand dollars in a suitcase?
DAWN: Oh come on, Bare.
BARRY: What, come on.
DAWN: Not that story.
BARRY: What story.
DAWN: He tells this story all the time. About this guy who brought in some money in a briefcase.
BARRY: A suitcase.
DAWN: Okay, a suitcase.
FLUFF: So what happened?
BARRY: Nothing happened. It’s not important.
FLUFF: No really. What happened?
BARRY: Nothing happened. We kicked the guy out. End of story.
(Bell. BARRY and FLUFF exit, JACK enters and sits next to PHYLLIS. Bell.)
SCENE FIVE
DAWN: But that’s not the end of the story. Because I marched in there, and I put my hands on his desk and I said, “Advertising is about making choices”
PHYLLIS: Ten points.
DAWN: Was I not a food therapist? Did I not design diets for people? And what are diets all about?
PHYLLIS: Making the right choices.
DAWN: So who’s the best person for this account?
PHYLLIS: You are.
DAWN: And he gave it to me right on the spot. A million-dollar account!
PHYLLIS: And she lived happily ever after.
DAWN: You never should’ve left the agency, Phil.
PHYLLIS: Ohhh no …
DAWN: Just think what you could be doing now.
PHYLLIS: I’m very happy as a housewife, thank you.
DAWN: Nobody’s happy as a housewife.
PHYLLIS: I have found my counterrevolutionary niche—roasting meat on a spit for a man who always comes home.
DAWN: I thought that I’d found my niche, and God was I wrong! Do you know I ran into one of my old patients in the street the other day and I couldn’t even remember his name? God I was so embarrassed. Sometimes I wonder how I could stand spending eight and ten hours a day with those people.
PHYLLIS: I ran into an old boyfriend last week and I couldn’t remember his name.
DAWN: You’re kidding. A client I can believe, but a boyfriend’?
PHYLLIS: Well—life is long, men short. In all too many cases. (She and DAWN laugh.) Not all men, though. (Nudges JACK.)
I’m talking about you, Jack.
JACK: Oh. Sorry.
DAWN: What she was saying was, she had found her perfect niche with you.
JACK: Yeah well. If you’ve got a niche, scratch it. Sorry.
DAWN: What?
JACK: Nothing.
PHYLLIS: Just Jack being funny.
DAWN: But what about your big deal?
JACK: The what?
DAWN: The deal out West. Did you close on it?
JACK: Oh. Yeah, we closed on it.
DAWN: So now you can pay off the house on the Vineyard and you’ll be set for life.
JACK: I guess.
PHYLLIS: Are you okay?
DAWN: Jack …
JACK: Huh?
DAWN: What happened? You know?
JACK: What did you say … ?
DAWN: Oh nothing. Just something stupid Barry picked up from his ex.
PHYLLIS: You mean his ex-ex.
DAWN: Ruth. The dragon lady.
PHYLLIS: I saw Barry the other day.
DAWN: Oh yeah? What did he have to say for himself?
PHYLLIS: Not much.
DAWN: I’ll bet. Does he have a job yet?
PHYLLIS: I don’t think so. He asked me how you were.
DAWN: I hope you gave him hell.
PHYLLIS: I said that you were fine.
DAWN: Jerk … (JACK suddenly shifts as if he’s about to rise.)
PHYLLIS: Jack, what’s the matter?
JACK: Nothing. Nothing. Just—nothing.
PHYLLIS: Do you want to go home?
JACK: No. Let’s stay. Let’s order something.
PHYLLIS: Are you sure?
JACK: Yeah. Let’s chow down. Or chow up. Or chow in some direction.…
PHYLLIS: You don’t have a headache, do you?
JACK: Nope. Nope nope nope nope …
PHYLLIS: Scratch my neck. (He lightly scratches the nape of her neck.)
DAWN: Anybody know what “joyau de la chasse” is? I always forget to ask.
PHYLLIS: Joy of the chase?
JACK: Crown of the chase. Wild fowl stuffed with venison.
PHYLLIS: How did you know that?
JACK: I don’t know. Doesn’t everybody know that?
PHYLLIS: I didn’t know that.
DAWN: I guess he must’ve had it with some other woman, Phil.
PHYLLIS: I guess so.
DAWN: That is a great wife you got there, you know.
JACK: I know.
DAWN: Don’t you ever lose her, mister.
JACK: I wasn’t planning on it.
DAWN: That girl is solid gold.
PHYLLIS: Maybe I’d better leave.
DAWN: Oh sit down. We’re all adults here.
JACK: We are?
(Bell. JACK exits. Another bell.)
SCENE SIX
DAWN: I saw Jack today.
PHYLLIS: Oh yeah … ? How’s he?
DAWN: Maybe you should give him a call.
PHYLLIS: I think I’m past Jack, thank you. Past Jack, past Bob, past Allen, past Manuel, past Fred, past Igor …
DAWN: But are you past waiters? That one over there is kinda cute.
PHYLLIS: Oh come on.
DAWN: We could order up a little meatloaf.
PHYLLIS: I’m also past picking up strange waiters in restaurants.
DAWN: I don’t know. He doesn’t look so strange to me.
PHYLLIS: Don’t you ever give up?
DAWN: Nope.
PHYLLIS: You know—I don’t honestly know what I’d do without you.
(Bell. DAWN leaves. Bell.)
SCENE SEVEN
PHYLLIS: Waiter! (She smiles at him sweetly.)
BLACKOUT
MERE MORTALS
This play is in memory of my father
Mere Mortals was first presented at Ensemble Studio Theatre in New York City in June 1990. It was directed by Jason McConnell Buzas; the set design was by Linda Giering Balmuth; costume design by Leslie McGovern; lighting design by Greg Ma
cPherson. The cast was as follows:
JOE Robert Pastorelli
CHARLIE Brian Smiar
FRANK Anthony LaPaglia
A girder on the fiftieth floor of a new, unfinished skyscraper. One end of the girder is still unattached and hanging in open space, JOE is sitting astride the girder, near its attached end. He is unwrapping a sandwich and reading a newspaper with intense absorption. A bird sails by. JOE doesn’t notice. A couple of small clouds sail by. JOE doesn’t notice.
JOE (something in the paper): Unbelievable.
(We hear CHARLIE singing. A moment later, he and FRANK enter, with lunch pails, FRANK is thirty five, CHARLIE sixty, CHARLIE stops to belt the end of his song.)
CHARLIE (singing): “I’m the man! I’m the man I’m the man I’m the man! I’m the man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo!” (He heads onward.) Hey Joe.
JOE: Hey Charlie.
FRANK: Hey Joe.
JOE: Hey Frank, (CHARLIE goes out to the very end of the girder. FRANK sits midway out and opens his lunch pail.)
CHARLIE: Think we’re gonna make fifty today?
FRANK: Looks like it.
CHARLIE: Fifty stories down, fifty stories to go. I think we’re gonna have this baby all punched in a week ahead of schedule.
JOE: Yeah …
CHARLIE: And what a view to lunch by, huh?
FRANK: Beautiful.
CHARLIE: Jersey.
FRANK: Yeah.
CHARLIE: My home.
FRANK: This is what I love about working up here. We eat like kings.
CHARLIE: So. What’s the bill of fare today? Frankie, what’ve you got?
FRANK (peering into his sandwich): I think it’s liverwurst.
CHARLIE: Joe? Howbout you?
JOE (reading): Pickle and pimento loaf.
FRANK: Wait a minute. It’s not liverwurst. It’s tuna. I think.
CHARLIE: Well I got corned beef and pastrami.
FRANK: Charlie, is that tuna, or liverwurst? (Realizing.) You got corned beef?
CHARLIE: And Poupon mustard.
FRANK: On a normal Tuesday? What’s the occasion?
CHARLIE: Who says there’s an occasion?
FRANK: You hear that, Joe? Charlie’s got corned beef and pastrami on a normal Tuesday.
CHARLIE: On bakery pumpernickel.
FRANK: On bakery pumpernickel. With Poupon mustard.
JOE (not interested): Very nice. (A small cloud passes by.)
CHARLIE: Look at all those poor souls down there, have to eat their lunch at sea level. (Sings.) “I’m the man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo!”