What I Like About Me

by Jenna Guillaume

  And something inside of me just snapped (spoiler: pretty sure it was my brain).

  I stood there, staring at them, and before I could even register what I was saying, my mouth was blurting out, ‘Yes! We’re going to have a wonderful summer. I’m going to be in the Miss Teen Summer Queen pageant – and who knows? I might even win!’

  Mum and Eva stared at me with a look on their faces for which the technical term is, I believe, thunderstruck. Anna looked confused. Bess looked clueless. Oh, she had nooo idea.

  ‘Maisie, what are you talking about?’ Eva said.

  ‘I didn’t know you’d entered,’ Mum said.

  ‘Oh yeah. The other day.’

  ‘Well, that’s wonderful, Missy-May. I’m proud of you for having the courage.’

  I could tell Mum was choosing her words very carefully. Not carefully enough, though.

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I said.

  Eva and Mum exchanged a look. Anna was watching us all with wary eyes. Now Bess was the one looking confused.

  Eva stepped towards me and put a hand on my arm. So sweet. So sympathetic. So fake. She said, ‘You know, it’s a really tough competition. Don’t worry if you don’t get a call back. It’s great that you entered.’

  God, I can feel the rage bubbling up inside me all over again just writing this. It’s still nothing on what I felt in that moment, though. I wanted to slap her. I didn’t. Instead I said: ‘It just so happens I got a phone call today. I’m going to be in the Miss Teen Summer Queen pageant in two weeks. You’re not the only one in this family who can achieve anything, you know.’

  And I spun around and rushed out the door.

  When I reached the sand dunes, I crumpled on the ground and pulled out my phone, sending one text message.

  Me: I’m in. Do you still want to dress me?

  Leila: YAAAAAAAAASSS QUEEEEEEN.

  Saturday, 23 December

  1 thing I discovered today

  1. It turns out people have strong feelings about me entering this pageant.

  Source: The conversations I had about it with literally everyone today. See status report.

  *

  Status report:

  Dad: Weirded out, cautiously supportive, totally absent. (‘I thought you hated that thing? Oh, okay, if it’s what you want, that’s great, Eminem . . . No, I don’t think I’ll make it there for the pageant. Sorry, honey. Work is still hectic and, you know, it’s such a long way for a short period of time. We’ve talked about all this already. That’s why I’m not there for Christmas. How’s your mother?’)

  Mum: Concerned, embarrassed. (‘Are you sure this is what you want, Missy-May? I’m just . . . worried, that’s all. I mean, you don’t even wear your swimmers on the beach. How are you going to wear them on stage? No, no, that’s not what I meant. No, Maisie, I’m not embarrassed. I want you to be happy. I’m worried this will make you – Of course, if it’s what you want. Is it really what you want?’)

  Laura: Supportive. (‘Good on you, Maisie, you’ll be fabulous! We’ll make a day of it like we did when Eva was in it.’)

  Jimmy: Supportive-by-default. (‘Reckon your old man will make the trip after all? Oh well, we’ll be there!’)

  The twins: Bored. (‘Do we have to go?’ ‘No way! It’ll be booooring.’)

  Anna: Concerned. (‘Maisie, are you sure about this? I mean, you don’t even wear your swimmers on the beach. How are you going to wear them on stage? No, I don’t think you’re making a mistake. I’m just surprised. But it’ll be fun. If it’s what you want.’)

  Sebastian: Supportive(?). (‘Nice one, Maise. You gonna do your Wookiee impression?’)

  Beamer: Lecherous. (‘Well, well, well, aren’t you full of surprises! Gonna need any help backstage? I volunteer as tribute. Ow, stop whacking me!’)

  Leila: Enthusiastic. (‘Babe, I’ve got so many ideas! Let me do your measurements. Don’t be embarrassed! C’mon. This is going to be fun. Don’t worry about a thing. You’re going to be really beautiful. Okay, look . . . you’ve still got time to back out, right? When do you have to pay the registration fee by? The thirty-first? Why don’t you start prepping, and if you still feel sick about it all by then, you don’t have to do it. Just call them up and say you won’t be entering after all. But hey, you might be really excited by then. Honestly, I think it’ll be great. Just you wait!’)

  Eva: I don’t know, and I don’t care. She and Bess headed to their Airbnb last night (she’s too good for the caravan park now), and I avoided her today. I think she and Bess had a fight, because things seemed really tense when I did see them, but to find out what happened would imply that I care. Which I don’t.

  Me: Shitting bricks. I mean, I don’t even wear my swimmers on the beach. How am I going to wear them on stage?!?!

  Sunday, 24 December

  2 things I discovered today

  1. Shopping on Christmas Eve is the fourth layer of hell.

  Source: I went with Anna to buy some ‘last minute’ presents (read: she wanted something for Sebastian. Does that mean they’re getting serious already?! She bought him a t-shirt, in case you’re wondering).

  2. Mum has either been possessed by an alien or turned into a Stepford robot.

  Source: She’s being really nice. She’s totally fine with us going to this party tonight and even bought us a four-pack of alcopops to split ‘as long as that’s all you drink. And you have to be home by midnight.’ (Lol, okay, Mum.)

  *

  That’s all I’ve got today, DJ. It’s pretty early, so who knows, maybe I’ll ‘discover’ something at this party tonight, but I figured I better get something down here beforehand, because I don’t plan on being in a fit state to do so later. It’s alright – Mum will be so pissed herself she won’t even notice. Eva and Bess are keeping an eye on the twins, which means the old people are free to go out and ‘get hammered’. Forget about a minimum drinking age, there needs to be a maximum drinking age. People over the age of thirty-five should have more dignity. It’s embarrassing to us all.

  Monday, 25 December

  2 things I discovered today

  1. Prawns are not worth eating unless you can get someone else to peel them for you.

  Source: The mess on my fingers and the ten thousand years it took to get one prawn ready to eat. (Dad usually peels them for me.)

  2. Sometimes, viewing something from someone else’s perspective can have very unintended consequences.

  Source: Oh boy. I need a lot more space for this. See below.

  *

  Merry Christmas, DJ! If you celebrate Christmas, that is. Sorry, I shouldn’t make assumptions about your life.

  I’ve come into my room to have a nap – well, that’s what I told the others, anyway. Everyone’s in a post-lunch food coma frame of mind, but mine is buzzing and I’ve just got to empty it out or it might explode.

  Now I’m here, though, I don’t know where to begin.

  I guess a good place would be the party. That’s where shit went down.

  Honestly, it was like no party I’ve ever been to. For starters, Will’s house is MASSIVE, with this huge deck and an infinity pool that overlooks the beach. His parents must be loaded. They were there, but I didn’t meet them, because they stayed upstairs the whole time like actual good, non-painful parents. Guess who else was there? Basically the whole population of Cobbers Bay between the ages of sixteen and eighteen.

  It was like those parties you see in teen movies, where there are people everywhere, sipping from red cups, dancing, making out, playing party games – you know, the kind that make you say, ‘No party is actually like that.’

  Except this one was. Minus the red cups (we had white ones instead).

  When we got there, Leila screamed and ran over to give me a hug before turning to greet the others. She gave us a whirlwind tour (‘Drinks over there and there and there – food over there and here – isn’t this place so extra? – bathroom’s down there – guest bedrooms down here if yo
u want to get changed and go for a swim or, you know, whatever.’).

  ‘I didn’t realise this was a pool party,’ I said.

  ‘It’s not! I mean, it’s a party, there’s a pool . . . don’t worry, I’m not going in. Well, not yet at least. It took me way too long to look this good to undo it all already.’

  We deposited our drinks in one of the many eskies. Leila introduced us to a bunch of people from her school whose names I didn’t quite catch. I was relieved when we spotted Kieron and Jo sitting with a few others, chatting on a large U-shaped outdoor sofa near the pool.

  ‘Where’s Will and Hannah?’ I asked.

  ‘Oh, they’re, uh, getting changed,’ Leila said breezily. She grabbed my arm and leaned in to whisper, ‘That’s Alex. The guy I told you about? No, don’t look! Okay, slowly. He’s sitting next to Kieron.’

  I glanced at the guy she’d pointed out (subtly, subtly). ‘He’s cute,’ I said, because he was. He was kinda pointy-looking – his nose, his chin – but it somehow added to his appeal. When Leila introduced us, he actually stood up and shook our hands. Leila laughed and started teasing him, while I sat down on the other side of Kieron. Beamer plonked down next to me. It was only then I realised that Sebastian and Anna weren’t with us anymore.

  ‘Where’d they . . .?’

  ‘I think they went to get changed,’ Beamer said.

  ‘But none of us brought swimmers,’ I said, and he looked at me as if to say, C’mon, really?

  I took a big gulp of my drink and turned to chat to Kieron, trying to clear the unwelcome image that had crashed through my mind. It was going well until Beamer brought up the subject of our movie challenge, and Kieron said, ‘Why bother? The Rock is obviously gonna win.’

  Beamer hooted triumphantly. I couldn’t believe it.

  ‘Arnold Schwarzenegger is a legend,’ I said, unable to stop my voice from rising just a little.

  ‘When was the last time he even made a good movie?’ Kieron said.

  ‘It doesn’t matter when they were made. People are still watching them today.’

  ‘Huh. You know, I can’t say I’ve really seen any except that “It’s not a tumour” one.’ Kieron put on a terrible Schwarzenegger voice to quote Kindergarten Cop.

  ‘WHAT?’

  ‘Oooh, you’ve done it now,’ Beamer said. ‘Look at that. I swear that vein in her forehead is going to burst.’

  I clapped my hand to my head and they both laughed. I glared at Beamer before turning back to Kieron. ‘I’m going to write you a list to watch. Hand me your phone.’

  Kieron looked at me like I was a total weirdo, but obeyed. Beamer chuckled and got up to refill our drinks.

  Kieron had his head in close to mine, leaning over to see what I was writing in the notes app on his phone. He looked up as Beamer walked away and said quietly to me, ‘So what’s the deal with you two?’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I said, not looking up.

  ‘Like, are you together?’

  That made me look up. ‘What?! No! Ew.’

  Kieron furrowed his brows. ‘Don’t look so horrified. He’s hot!’

  ‘Beamer?!’

  ‘Yeeeeeah. Oh, shhh, here he comes.’ Louder, he said, ‘God, how long is this list?’

  ‘Mate, she’ll be here all night,’ Beamer said, setting our drinks down on the glass coffee table in front of us. As he told Kieron what I’d made him watch so far (we’d done True Lies the day before) and they discussed which Rock movie he should make me watch next, I acted like I was still typing on Kieron’s phone, but really I was trying to look at Beamer without him noticing. Trying to see him as Kieron might – as a stranger might. With fresh eyes.

  And what did I see? Oh, you know . . . a guy with broad shoulders and biceps which popped as he twisted open a drink. A butt that filled his jeans nicely as he bent over in front of me to pass a drink to Leila. Light brown hair that was messy, but the kind of boy-messy that looks good. A well-shaped nose, and pink lips he unconsciously bit down on as he listened to Kieron talk. Dark brown eyes that looked almost black in the fading light as he – as he looked over at me.

  Shit. I ducked my head down quickly. I’d forgotten to be subtle and had been flat-out staring. He’d seen me.

  But worst of all, I’d seen him.

  Kieron was right. Beamer is hot.

  I’d like to state on the record that everything that happened later is all Kieron’s fault.

  Wait. Someone’s coming.

  *

  Oh my god. Things keep getting weirder and weirder.

  It’s night-time now. Everyone is in bed. This afternoon – wait. I need to explain about last night first. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

  So, last night.

  We were playing Truth or Dare, because we were in full cliché mode and enjoying every second of it. Anna and Sebastian had resurfaced by this stage, and Will and Hannah had appeared (‘Do I need to check on my tomato sauce?’ was the first thing Will said to me).

  Anna had been dared by some random guy named Tom to go in the water in her bra and undies.

  ‘You’re disgusting,’ Jo said to him with a sneer.

  ‘It’s alright,’ Anna said. ‘Doesn’t show any more than my swimmers.’

  She stood up and stripped off, right there in front of everyone. She was wearing a purple satin bra and matching undies. She was right. It didn’t show any more than her swimmers. I still couldn’t help feeling a little shocked. Beside her, Sebastian seemed pretty shocked himself. He looked over at Beamer, eyes wide and eyebrows raised, as if to say, Is this for real? Beamer had a similar look on his face.

  She marched over to the pool steps and walked in, submerging herself to shoulder height and then spinning around, a self-satisfied smile on her face. Everyone clapped and cheered. She climbed the steps to get out, saying, ‘Quite refreshing, actually.’

  ‘Heads up,’ Will called, chucking Anna a towel.

  She wrapped it around herself and sat back down next to Sebastian, opposite me on the U-shaped lounge.

  ‘Alright, my turn. Sebastian,’ she said, turning to him with a smile, ‘truth or dare?’

  He smiled back at her. ‘Truth.’

  ‘Hmmm . . . who was your first kiss?’

  Sebastian licked his lips and stared off into the distance for a moment. A jolt ran through me when he turned and his eyes locked on mine. He pointed at me with a grin and said, ‘Maisie Martin.’

  ‘What?!’ Anna and I both said at the same time. She looked from him to me with confusion.

  ‘Aw, don’t tell me you don’t remember, Maise. You’ll break my heart,’ he said.

  A vision of us getting ‘married’ at five years old flashed in my head. Eva, the ‘celebrant’, had said, ‘Now you guys have to kiss.’ We’d both leaned in and joined our lips in the quickest peck of all time, before promptly wiping them with the backs of our hands and giggling.

  I rolled my eyes and shook my head at Sebastian, who told the story to the others. ‘So I guess Maisie and I are married,’ he finished.

  ‘Oh my god, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure I married my second cousin when I was four,’ Leila said.

  ‘I married the girl next door,’ Kieron said with a laugh.

  ‘Are we still playing or what?’ Anna broke in. ‘Sebastian, it’s your turn. Who are you going to pick?’

  ‘Hmmm.’ He glanced my way and my heart sped up, but then his eyes settled next to me. ‘Beamer.’

  ‘Here we go,’ Beamer said. He chose dare, and Sebastian gazed around as if searching for an idea. He looked from Anna to the pool and then back at Beamer, a smirk appearing on his face.

  ‘Mate, if you wanna see me in my underwear, you just have to ask,’ Beamer said.

  ‘Naaah, that’d be too easy. I wanna see you naked.’

  I nearly spat out my drink. Beamer chuckled and stood up, walking over to the edge of the pool. He faced us as he reached up and pulled his shirt off from behind his neck in that way all gu
ys seem genetically programmed to do. A few girls catcalled and Kieron whistled. I tried not to noticed that V of muscle leading into Beamer’s jeans.

  Shucking his shoes off and starting to unbutton his fly, he turned around so he was facing the pool, his back to the crowd. In one swift movement, his jeans and undies were off, his bare, very white butt on display for a split second before he dive-bombed into the pool. Cheers erupted around me and then Will was standing up, pulling his own shirt off.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Hannah cried.

  ‘Can’t let the poor sucker go it alone,’ Will said, and pretty quickly his butt was on display before he too jumped in. Alex followed, along with a couple of other guys, and soon the pool was a veritable sausage soup.

  Jo and Leila scooched up next to me and Kieron, laughing and shaking their heads.

  ‘What is it with guys and getting their dicks out?’ Jo said.

  ‘Come on, Sebby, you started this,’ Beamer called out.

  Sebastian ran his hands over his face and groaned, but he was smiling, and then he was standing up and tugging his shirt off and – oh god. I couldn’t look.

  But I couldn’t not look.

  ‘You going in?’ I said to Kieron. I tried to keep my voice smooth, but there was definite squeakage involved.

  ‘Nah, I’m good right here.’

  I heard a squeal and turned to see Anna, along with a few other girls who had stripped to their underwear, hitting the water with a splash.

  ‘I am way too sober for this,’ Jo said, standing up. ‘You guys want a drink?’

  I shook my head. I was feeling lightly buzzed but didn’t particularly want to get out of control. Kieron got up and followed her inside, and Leila slid closer to me.

  ‘I swear, Will’s parties aren’t always like this,’ she said, as Will climbed out of the pool and ran over to Hannah, picking her up and jumping back in the water with her. She screamed on the way in and gasped when she resurfaced, splashing him angrily before breaking into giggles.