What I Like About Me

by Jenna Guillaume

  ‘Beamer, what are you doing here? Spit it out or get out,’ I snapped.

  He frowned. ‘What’s your problem?’

  ‘My problem? My problem?! Among other things, you dared me to kiss you and then when I did –’

  ‘I never thought you’d actually do it.’ His voice was raised slightly.

  ‘Well, I’m sorry,’ I said, sarcasm dripping from my words.

  ‘No, that’s not what I meant – I meant . . . I don’t know what I meant.’ He sat down on the bed, looking frustrated.

  I crossed my arms, still standing. ‘Whatever, it’s fine, like I said.’

  We were interrupted by my phone vibrating. It was Dad calling.

  ‘Hey Dad, what’s up? Is everything okay?’

  ‘Eminem, hey! Yeah, everything’s great, still at your grandma’s. How was lunch?’

  ‘It was alright. I had to peel my own prawns.’

  He laughed. ‘Sorry I couldn’t be there. Hey, I was just ringing to see if your mum’s around? Her phone is flat, I think. I’m not getting through. I didn’t get a chance to talk to her this morning.’

  ‘Oh . . . I’m not with Mum right now. I’ll go get her.’

  ‘That’s alright, Em, I’ll try again later. Love you.’ He hung up without waiting for my response. My heart sank, and I sank down on the bed with it. Tears stung my eyes. Were my parents ever going to talk to each other again?

  ‘Are you okay?’ Beamer said quietly.

  I breathed out heavily and shook my head. ‘Why do I keep crying in front of you?’ My voice was shaky. I was trying really hard not to sob.

  ‘I have that effect on women,’ he said. I snorted.

  ‘It’s my dad,’ I explained. ‘It’s just . . . I wish he were here, is all. Things are weird right now. With my parents, I mean. I don’t know. It . . . it doesn’t feel right, being here without him. Like it’s not Christmas. It’s silly, I guess.’

  ‘Nah.’ Beamer inched slightly closer to me. ‘You know, I almost didn’t come this year. I’ve always felt bad about leaving my gran at Christmas, but she insists I come every time. She jokes that it’s a holiday for her too.’ He chuckled softly. ‘But Cal, my sister, she’s living in London now and she couldn’t make it back, and my gran . . . she’s not doing that great – not that she’d ever admit it. But she said she wouldn’t forgive me if I didn’t come. That she’d prefer to know I was having fun and, anyway, she’d get sick of the sight of my ugly mug if she had to put up with it every day.’ I smiled at the affection on his face. ‘I still feel guilty, but.’

  ‘She wouldn’t say those things if they weren’t true, right?’

  He sniffed. ‘I mean, she always puts us first. I worry about what she really wants, what she really needs deep down, you know?’ He stood up and paced the room. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have come.’

  ‘Have you spoken to her today?’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said, smiling. ‘She was getting pissed with her mates.’

  ‘See! She’s having a great time without you.’

  He laughed at that. After a moment, he took a step towards me, then seemed to think better of it and turned away, before finally turning around again and sitting down next to me with such force he bounced a little on the bed. His next words came out in a rush: ‘Hey, so, I was thinkin’, about last night? Like, maybe we should try that again?’

  It took me a minute to process what he had said. And when I did –

  ‘What?!’

  He swallowed and took a breath, leaning back to rest on his elbow. ‘Well, with Seb and Anna . . .’ He glanced at me and then quickly looked away. ‘I just mean, y’know, why not? We’ve got all this free time, and we can’t spend all of it watching The Rock – although I personally could, y’know, but um, it was fun. Last night, I mean. It was really fun. Why not have some more fun?’

  ‘You mean, like . . . a friends with benefits kinda thing? Except without the friends bit?’

  He sat up, scratching his chin. ‘Ha. Uh, yeah, I guess. I mean, if you wanted to.’

  ‘Why? Like, why me?’

  ‘I mean . . .’ He looked around. Right. Because there was no one else around.

  ‘And what kind of benefits?’

  He looked at me and tilted his head, a slow smile spreading on his face. ‘Any kind you want, Maisie Martin.’

  And something in the way he said that made me want to kiss him again. There was a warm feeling deep in my stomach, a hunger I hadn’t felt before. At least not around Beamer.

  So for the second time in as many days, I reached out to grasp his neck, and brought my lips to his.

  When we broke apart, I said, ‘Don’t think this means we’re friends now.’

  He grinned, and with his usual airy voice, said, ‘Definitely not, Maisie Martin.’

  *

  Leila’s verdict on all this?

  1. He’s into me.

  2. Am I sure I’m not into him?

  3. She is so here for all of it.

  I told her:

  1. No.

  2. Yes (I’m sure). No (I’m not).

  3. Same, to be honest.

  Look, it’s weird. It’s Beamer. But as long as I don’t think too hard about it . . . why not have some fun, like he said?

  Especially when I’ve got other things to worry about. Like my parents. Like the fact that I’ve decided to stand in front of a bunch of people and be scored on the way I look in less than two weeks.

  Honestly, I really do question my own judgement sometimes.

  *

  Anna pounced on me as soon as I got home from shopping with Leila. ‘Maise, thank god, save me. They’ve had cricket on all day and I’m bored out of my brain. Let’s do something fun tonight.’

  Beamer sidled up next to her. ‘Aren’t we doing Central Intelligence tonight?’

  Anna rolled her eyes. ‘Ugh, seriously?’

  ‘Nah, we don’t have to,’ I said, glancing at Beamer and trying to ignore the way he slapped his hand to his chest and pulled a face of mock heartbreak.

  Suddenly Sebastian was there, wrapping his arms around Anna from behind and nuzzling her neck. The Boost juice I’d had earlier threatened to make a reappearance.

  Mum came out of her bedroom and breezed through the lounge room, talking as she walked towards the door. ‘Maisie, there you are – how was your day – great – we’re going to the movies to see that new Nicholas Sparks – are you sure you don’t want to come – fine – Jimmy’s making dinner for the twins if you want to go over there or there’s some frozen pizzas in the freezer – just don’t burn the place down.’ And she was gone.

  I turned to the others, about to kick Sebastian and Beamer out so Anna and I could have the place to ourselves, when she said, ‘You know, frozen pizza and a terrible movie sounds really good, actually.’

  I was puzzled by Anna’s change of heart, until about halfway through the movie. We’d already scoffed down the plastic-cheese-on-cardboard that was the frozen pizza, and she and Sebastian got up and disappeared into the bedroom Anna and I share, closing the door behind them.

  There was that delightful queasy feeling back again. I sighed and got up, walking over to the kitchenette to refill my drink.

  ‘Want anything?’ I said to Beamer over my shoulder.

  ‘Yeah, I do,’ he said. I grabbed his cup from him and our fingers brushed. I was suddenly very aware that we were alone together. In a darkened room. Oh god. Were we supposed to make out? How exactly did this work? Did he want to? Did I want to?

  All these questions were racing through my head as I settled back on the lounge, sitting as far away from him as possible. I tucked my legs up next to me, holding a cushion to my stomach and staring at the screen. The hairs on my neck prickled as I sensed Beamer watching me. I looked over at him just in time to see him quickly turn his head away. I let myself gaze at him for a moment. His hair was messy but seemed really soft. I had the sudden urge to run my fingers through it. I kept my hand very firmly at my side and lo
oked back at the screen, taking a huge gulp of my drink.

  A few minutes later, I felt him staring at me again. I turned my head and again he looked away, but this time he laughed, self-conscious. He bit his lip and looked back over at me. Our eyes locked. Between us and around us, the room buzzed, as though the air was charged with electricity. The hairs on my arms were standing on end and part of me wouldn’t have been surprised if the hair on my head spontaneously defied gravity too. The rest of me was totally focused on Beamer, though. He licked his lips and looked at mine. My heart was thumping in my chest.

  Slowly, taking great care with all his movements, like he was afraid he’d startle me if he moved too quickly, he slid closer. When there was little space left between us, he paused, looking into my eyes. I swallowed hard. He reached up to cup my face, his thumb grazing my cheek.

  Finally, after what felt like an excruciating amount of time, he closed the distance between our lips. The kiss started off slow and gentle, and then became more urgent. I let my hands do what they wanted to and ran them through his hair, grasping handfuls, willing him closer to me. It wasn’t enough.

  Without breaking the kiss, I pushed him back against the lounge, straddling him. He made an appreciative noise and my insides melted. The cushion that had been on my lap was still between us, and he tugged it away so our bodies were even closer. I inwardly cringed as his hands found the soft flesh of my stomach. I pulled back, breathing heavily. Our faces were still close. He had a hazy look in his eyes as he leaned in towards me, his mouth open and half smiling. He kissed a trail from my neck up to my mouth. I closed my eyes, willing my self-consciousness away, willing myself to get lost in his kisses. In his touch. In his – okay, that’s all you’re getting, DJ, you dirty perve.

  I’ll give you a little spoiler: there was no significant under-the-clothes action. When I heard the bedroom door open I sprung off Beamer, knocking over my drink, which was on the floor by his feet. I reached for the paper towel, left out from when we were eating pizza earlier, and mopped it up without looking up. My face felt like it was on fire. Beamer chuckled and I glanced up in time to see Sebastian settling back on the lounge next to him. Anna was nowhere to be seen, but I heard the water running in the bathroom. Judging by the pretty neutral look on Sebastian’s face, I was guessing he hadn’t seen anything. I was hoping, at least.

  ‘This still going?’ he said.

  Beamer just grunted.

  ‘Need a hand, Maise?’ Sebastian asked.

  ‘Nah, I’m good,’ I said, straightening up and noticing that Beamer’s hair was sticking up all over the place, worse than usual. Oh god.

  I dumped the sodden paper towel in the bin and boiled the jug to make a cup of tea, not really knowing what to do with myself. Anna finally came out of the bathroom and sat down on the floor in front of Sebastian, leaning her head into his knee.

  ‘This still going?’ she said, and Sebastian laughed.

  Beamer, sounding like his normal self, said, ‘Maisie Martin, get your butt back here, you’re missing the best part.’

  I took a deep breath and returned to sit with them, but to be honest I didn’t really take in much of the movie.

  After the boys left, I got a message from Beamer. Was that your attempt to sabotage me in this competition, Maisie Martin? I expect a fair score. In fact, I expect bonus points for the live entertainment.

  As we exchanged messages back and forth, I felt myself grinning. Then Leila’s voice ran through my head. ‘He’s so into you! And you’re into him too, aren’t you? You like him?!’ I looked down at the message I was in the middle of composing. What had got into me? I deleted my words without hitting send, and put down the phone.

  Wednesday, 27 December

  2 things I discovered today

  1. Dad’s not answering his phone. Again. And it’s not just me he’s avoiding.

  Source: Jimmy asked me today if I’d been able to reach Dad, because he wasn’t answering Jimmy’s texts. I hadn’t tried to call him since I spoke to him on Christmas Day, but when I did today it just went straight to voicemail. I called his work number instead, but the line was busy. When I told Jimmy this at dinner, he said, ‘Don’t worry, I’m sure he’s just working hard.’ From the other end of the table, Mum said, ‘Who wants more wine?’

  2. In happier news, apparently I’m good at more than just Wookiee impressions.

  Source: Leila informs me I am also skilled at other impressions. What an accomplishment!

  *

  Back to the beach this morning. I didn’t bother putting on swimmers (either the old or the new ones Eva and Bess gave me for Christmas, which are actually really nice – a black bikini embroidered with pink flowers; I haven’t dared try it on yet). I didn’t plan on staying long. I had to go to Leila’s so she could work on my dress.

  Guess who we ran into at the beach? Eva and Bess. They were both in bikinis. I tried not to stare.

  I mean . . . Bess is fatter than me. Yet there she was, on the beach, in a bikini (this cute blue-and-white-striped number with frills), like it was nothing.

  And there was Eva, standing next to her, beaming, like at any other time she wouldn’t have been whispering, ‘Gee, that girl’s got a lot of guts,’ and snickering at her own cleverness and superiority.

  I don’t know what her game is, but I’m not sure I like it.

  As for Bess, well, she did have a lot of guts. I wanted to ask her how she got them, and how I could get some, but I think we’re probably not yet at that stage of our relationship where I can be like, ‘Hey, Bess, how do you dare have the confidence to appear in public like that, since you’re so FAT and all?’ Somehow there doesn’t seem to be a way to ask that question without sounding really weird and insulting.

  Anyway, I hightailed it out of there soon after the two of them made their appearance, because Eva was acting all excited to see us and I couldn’t handle another second of her fakery. At least my plans with Leila gave me a legit excuse, not that I needed one. Anna asked if I wanted her to come too, but I could tell her heart wasn’t in it, so I left her chilling with Sebastian and Beamer on the beach (the latter said, ‘See ya later,’ and I swear he put extra meaning into it that I hope no one else noticed).

  *

  In addition to an evening gown, Leila has promised to make me a fabulous cover-up for the swimwear section of the pageant so I don’t feel so self-conscious – ‘It’ll basically be a dress!’ – which is great except just the thought of standing on stage, even fully clothed, still makes me feel naked.

  ‘Why am I doing this again?’ I moaned to Leila, who was bent over her sketchpad, her tongue poking out of the side of her mouth as she concentrated.

  She looked up at me. ‘Because you want to. Because it will be fun. Because you will feel amazing,’ she said. ‘Stop questioning it, okay? I’m serious, I don’t want to hear another “Why did I do this?” from you. If you’re in, you’re in, and that means only positivity from here on out.’

  ‘Yes, boss,’ I said, trying not to sound as worried as I felt.

  ‘Oh my god, you know what we should do?’ Leila held up her pencil next to her head like she’d just had a brilliant idea. ‘Download a whole bunch of beauty pageant movies and have a marathon. I bet making fun of them will totally get you in the mood.’

  I smiled. ‘Ooh, baby, I love it when you talk dirty to me.’

  She laughed and threw her pencil at me.

  I threw a cushion at her, which she expertly caught.

  ‘Let’s do it Friday night,’ she suggested. ‘We can go to Jo’s – we always do movie nights at hers.’

  ‘She won’t mind?’

  ‘No way! Just be prepared for her to rant about how sexist the movies are. It’s part of her charm.’ She pulled out her phone and started typing. A few minutes later she said, ‘Done. The others are in too.’

  We talked about our plans for New Year’s (there’s a carnival on the foreshore that everyone’s going to) and then got on to the su
bject of the dreaded year ahead (and beyond).

  ‘Ugh, I just want the year to be over,’ Leila said. She was leaning over her desk, sketching again. ‘I wanted to leave school in Year 10 and do a design course full-time, but my parents freaked. I had to beg them to let me do this fashion VET course as part of the HSC.’

  ‘At least you know what you want to do. I have no idea.’ I paced the room, tossing a pompom from one hand to the other. ‘I can’t even figure out a talent for this ridiculous beauty pageant! How am I going to find something that could sustain a whole career?’

  ‘Well, what are you good at?’

  I snorted. ‘Not much.’

  She glanced up at me, shaking her head. ‘We seriously need to work on your self-esteem.’

  I sighed and flopped down on her bed. She was rattling off a list of possible talents, each more ridiculous than the last (‘You could learn that balancing plates trick!’) when there was a knock on the door. I sat up, expecting it to be one of Leila’s parents or brothers, and got a shock when Beamer walked in.

  ‘What are you doing here?!’ I squeaked at the same time as Leila said, ‘Heeey!’ and got up to give him a hug.

  ‘Thought I’d come see where the magic happens,’ he said, looking around. Leila sat back down, telling him to make himself at home. He started walking around her room, picking things up and examining them before putting them back down. ‘There’s only so much of the lovebirds I can take,’ he said as he manhandled Leila’s dress form.

  ‘We were just talking about Maisie’s talent for the pageant,’ Leila said.

  ‘Oh yeah? I thought you’d decided on your Chewbacca impression,’ Beamer said with a smirk. He picked up a rock that had two googly eyes stuck on it and gave Leila a questioning look.

  ‘Would you stop touching everything? It’s rude,’ I said.

  ‘It’s alright, I don’t mind,’ Leila said, smiling. ‘That’s Rocky. Jo made him for me when we were seven. He knows all my secrets.’

  ‘Ah, of course. Sorry, Rocky, didn’t mean to disturb you.’ Beamer put the rock back on the dresser and sat near me on the bed.