Built to Belong

by Natalie Franke

  When you see or experience rejection, speak up.

  We must call out exclusion when we see it. We cannot turn a blind eye to behaviors or systems that leave others feeling left out or unwelcome.

  Likewise, we must also have the courage to express how we are feeling when we perceive rejection from others. We must be honest in moments when the actions of another person leave us feeling unwelcome, judged, or excluded.

  A simple framework that works: “When you said/did this, it made me feel like…”

  Then you pause and give them space to respond.

  In doing so, we give that person an opportunity to take accountability, seek forgiveness, and grow from the experience. We may not always receive the answers or response that we are looking for, but we owe it to ourselves to communicate what we need and know what we deserve in our relationships with others.

  How many times have others made you feel inferior or unwelcome? Did you tell them how those interactions made you feel? Did you speak up?

  We can never assume that people know how they made us feel. More often than not, they are not aware of how they came across or how it impacted or harmed us.

  While I was struggling with infertility, I had several interactions with women who were deeply wounding. Certain offhand comments made me feel excluded from a community that I yearned to be a part of.

  You’ve been married for a long time… don’t you want kids? If only you knew.

  Hurry up and have a baby. You’re not getting any younger. Ouch, thanks for reminding me.

  At first I didn’t know how to handle comments like those, so I would just stay quiet. My face would flush, and I would nod before sneaking away to release my feelings in private. However, since I never addressed the harm caused, the comments just kept coming (sometimes from the same people).

  Eventually I realized that if I wanted a different outcome, I had to adjust my reaction. It wasn’t enough to assume that others were aware of how their comments made me feel. I had to muster up the courage to address their words head-on.

  “Actually, I’m battling infertility,” I would say, and immediately their faces would change.

  More often than not, they would backtrack and apologize. Some would even open up about their own struggles or the losses that they had endured along the way. By being honest and direct about my reality, I clarified to others how their words made me feel and created an opportunity to honor my own feelings and experiences.

  Healing in moments of rejection often begins when we are able to directly address the interaction that left us feeling that way. It is important to state how something impacted you directly while being cautious to avoid assuming intent.

  Speak from the heart and be direct. Honesty and vulnerability are the bridge between loneliness and belonging. When we are courageous enough to communicate what we expect from one another, we create opportunities for healing and redemption.

  And remember, we cannot control the words and actions of others—only how we react to them. Speaking up when we feel rejected presents an opportunity for others to change their behavior, but it certainly does not guarantee it.

  Addressing rejection head-on may not change how you have felt in the past, but it enables you to move forward and, in some cases, build a better relationship in the future.

  Likewise, speaking up when you see exclusion or rejection may not heal the past harm done, but it is the only way to transform communities into more welcoming, inclusive spaces for the future.

  Create your zero-tolerance policy.

  A zero-tolerance policy serves to proactively discourage harmful behavior as well as to dictate the repercussions for harmful actions when they do occur. Every company, community, and organization should have one in place.

  Likewise, in our personal relationships, we must also identify what we will not tolerate. You and only you know what behavior is acceptable in your interactions with others.

  When a group enables competition to run rampant and allows members to push others down in order to succeed, it sets a precedent going forward, and the behavior will likely worsen. On the flip side, when someone speaks up swiftly and makes it clear that those behaviors are not acceptable, it sets a different foundation, from which the group grows.

  Creating your zero-tolerance policy means you are holding yourself accountable for having hard conversations in the pursuit of honoring yourself and others. It’s a powerful tool for preventing negative behaviors from turning into systemic problems within a community.

  Remember that standing up for yourself and others is a muscle. The more often you exercise it, the easier it becomes to do in the future.

  The first time you do it, it may be with trembling hands and a shaking voice. By the tenth time, you grow a sense of confidence in your ability to speak up. The goal should be to practice having these conversations and normalizing them as a part of your discourse.

  Handling difficult discourse is important. The more often you do it, the more comfortable you become with having hard conversations.

  Forgiveness is a gift to ourselves.

  Sometimes when we are hurting, we find it hard to forgive. We carry pain with us from past relationships and interactions into our future experiences. Think of it like a subconscious weight that rests upon our shoulders. No matter where we go, it is always there making it just a little harder for us to carry on.

  We bring our pain from rejection with us into future relationships. We carry it into new communities. It remains on our shoulders until we consciously begin the process of setting it down. And mark my words—forgiveness is a process.

  You cannot snap your fingers and instantly forgive someone who has hurt or rejected you. It is a hard and often painful journey that unfolds over time. However, forgiveness is a critical part of our own self-care. It isn’t so much about the person receiving forgiveness as it is about the person offering it and the impact that has on their well-being.

  There are many misconceptions about forgiveness. Whenever I talk about it in the context of rejection and relationships, people are hesitant to fully embrace the necessity of this process. So let’s get a few things straight.

  Forgiveness is not:

  • Condoning or exonerating the actions of another person

  • Erasing their wrongdoing from your memory or pretending it didn’t happen

  • A renewal of trust or the complete restoration of a relationship

  Forgiveness is about healing. Relinquishing your mind from the harmful clutches of animosity and pain. Choosing to consciously forgive also impacts your physical well-being and has been shown to reduce levels of stress, reduce cardiovascular problems, and improve immune system performance.1

  Forgiveness also provides freedom. In order for us to move forward into spaces where we truly feel seen, heard, and valued, we must let go of the resentment and bitterness of past rejection. We can acknowledge the hurt that someone has caused us without letting that pain rob us of future joy. That is a powerful notion.

  Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. Forgiving means moving forward, and it is a profound gift that we give to ourselves.

  WHEN YOU HURT SOMEONE, ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY AND APOLOGIZE

  Let’s look at this from the other side. Sometimes we are going to hurt others unintentionally. This is a messy part of engaging in relationships and community with others. It doesn’t matter how sincere you are heading into an interaction—pain can arise from the most innocent of conversations.

  Now, I don’t say this to scare you or to make you overanalyze all of your previous interactions with others. Kick that shame spiral to the curb right now! I raise this point because how we respond in moments when we have hurt someone matters.

  We have a choice. We can choose to write it off, dismiss the experiences and feelings of another person as our ego often baits us to do… or we can accept responsibility and choose to genuinely apologize. We can get angry and defensive. We can choose to list out all the reasons they are w
rong and we are right… or we can empathize with their experience, acknowledge how we hurt them, and seek forgiveness.

  I think you know which direction I’m leaning toward here: accept responsibility and apologize. So how do we do that, exactly?

  First, I believe it is important to acknowledge bravery when we see it in others. It isn’t easy for many of us to be open about our feelings. Telling someone that they have hurt you isn’t on anyone’s top-ten list of favorite conversations.

  When we have the opportunity to affirm vulnerability and applaud courage, we must do it. Especially in moments when someone else might be anticipating the opposite. How we respond influences whether someone’s hurt leads to additional trauma or creates an opportunity for mutual resolution. It may sound something like:

  “Thank you for having the courage to share that with me. I am so grateful that you did.”

  “I had no idea that you were feeling that way.… Thank you so much for being so vulnerable and coming to me directly.”

  Then, it is important to acknowledge the harm done—address it directly and do your best not to respond dismissively or defensively. Apologize genuinely and conclude by asking how to rectify the situation if necessary.

  “I am so sorry that I made you feel that way. It was never my intention. What can I do to make this right?”

  Three short sentences that open a door to something better. Accepting responsibility for unintentional harm does not make you a bad person. It makes you a kind person. It demonstrates love and self-awareness. It showcases integrity.

  When we hurt someone, our response sets the tone for the remainder of that relationship. Apologizing is not accepting defeat, but rather the opposite. Apologizing creates an opportunity for the ultimate shared victories that we aspire to achieve: restoration and redemption.

  None of us wants to live with the pain of rejection holding us back from the beautiful experiences that community has to offer. In order to move forward, we must be willing to create open dialogues with one another and be receptive to feedback. We need to leave our egos at the door and keep our hearts centered on empathy and forgiveness.

  When you make mistakes, own them, apologize, and learn from the experience. When you are hurt, speak up and be clear about how the interaction made you feel.

  Additionally, companies and communities that desire to facilitate a strong culture of belonging should train all leaders and members on how to navigate these conversations, accept responsibility for harm caused, and proactively work to repair conflict.

  With a foundation of honesty and clear communication, we can work together to navigate difficult conversations and challenging circumstances as they arise. We can see the glimmers of hope on the horizon, where transgressions are forgiven and relationships are redeemed.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  THE TRUE ROI OF COMMUNITY

  When you move into the professional community-building world, you are quickly made aware of just how challenging it is to prove the value of community. In boardrooms and in budget meetings, all community leaders are asked a fair and yet frustrating question: What is the ROI of community?

  In a nervous rush, we hustle back to our data dashboards, searching for evidence of what we already know to be true. We lean into metrics that measure scale, engagement, adoption, sentiment, and churn—all the while recognizing that no single number truly quantifies the impact of having a strong community. We field questions from executives determining where budget allocations will go and often leave feeling defeated because when something’s value is challenging to quantify, broad buy-in is difficult to achieve.

  How many members does the community have? How engaged are they? Are they contributing to growth? What is the return on the investment of starting, cultivating, and nurturing a community? Is it truly worth the cost for the company?

  The intersection of relationships and transactions is becoming an increasingly blurred line in modern commerce. Consumers vote with their dollars. When customers feel deeply connected to a brand, more than half will increase their spending with that company and three-fourths will buy from them over a competitor.1

  Companies either thrive or fail based on the relationships they cultivate with their customers. We live in a time when every person has a platform, every voice is heard, and you either understand the power of community or you don’t.

  To many consumers, a brand’s values are equally as important as the quality of their product. Connection and social capital are the new currency. The way companies show up for their community and connect customers to one another matters more than ever before.

  It is no longer enough to have a good product. To truly stand out, you must deeply understand your people and have the power to mobilize them.

  One successful company that can attribute much of its growth to the loyalty of its community is Airbnb.2 The power of their platform to unite hosts and guests alike through both virtual and in-person connection has contributed to their rapid growth.

  In order to fully understand the impact of community on Airbnb’s trajectory, we have to rewind to a time before ride-sharing and home-swapping were commonplace. It is hard to imagine it now, but when Airbnb first launched, their service was a difficult sell.

  Imagine trying to start a company whose success relies on convincing customers that they should skip booking a trusted hotel room and instead rent a space in a stranger’s home in a foreign city where they have never been before.

  I can still hear my mom in my ear as a kid saying “Don’t talk to strangers!” and now you’re trying to convince me to sleep in a stranger’s bed in a city where I know no one?

  Airbnb’s growth was far more revolutionary than we give it credit for. The concept alone was countercultural, and the legal challenges of enabling short-term rentals in cities around the world meant going up against hospitality industry giants and sometimes even the law.

  Airbnb’s global head of community at the time, Douglas Atkin, was instrumental in turning the tide in the company’s favor through changing public sentiment and mobilizing community activism.

  He started by centering the entire brand around community—both through product and communications. The Airbnb platform itself housed forums where hosts could share knowledge and connect with one another. The hosts no longer felt alone. They were connected. They felt supported.

  Information was shared around how to be a better host, how to take better photos of your listing, and how to encourage guests to leave reviews after their stay (among countless other critical bits of advice).

  The ecosystem of hosts supporting hosts enabled the entire community to rise together. By sharing knowledge, they collectively were able to raise the quality of the service they were offering, and guests took notice. Airbnb gained favor among travelers as a personalized and authentic alternative in an increasingly commoditized world.

  Additionally, Douglas Atkin’s “Belong Anywhere” campaign challenged preconceived hesitancies to trust, to travel, and to feel at home in the houses of others.

  The campaign asked all of us to remember the origins of humanity—

  the villages where we all once knew our neighbors, the time before industrialization. It connected our innate desire to belong and to feel connected with a platform that offered to facilitate that experience once again. Airbnb positioned itself as a brand of the people, by the people, for the people. Atkin humanized the company by grounding it in community.

  In a post about the Belong Anywhere campaign, Airbnb shared:

  For so long, people thought Airbnb was about renting houses. But really, we’re about home. You see, a house is just a space, but a home is where you belong. And what makes this global community so special is that for the very first time, you can belong anywhere.3

  As sentiments around peer-to-peer rentals changed and the platform grew, it was met with legal challenges making it difficult for hosts to operate in certain cities. Using techniques founded in grassroots organizing, Airbnb i
nvited hosts and guests to become a part of the political advocacy required for a peer-to-peer economy to flourish. By rallying members to become leaders and step into the political arena, Airbnb overturned several restrictions and went on to change the way we travel.4

  Companies like Airbnb illustrate that community can transform the trajectory of a business. When people unite around their passion for a brand and a shared vision of the future, they are capable of doing remarkable things.

  Community has the power to transform business outcomes.

  Then, you may be wondering, with such a deep understanding of its inherent value, why is it still difficult to measure the ROI of community? I believe it comes down to this: the ROI of community cannot be summed up in a single metric.

  That’s not to say that there aren’t valid indicators of success or numbers that clarify whether a community is having a profound impact or not, but to presume that we can adequately quantify the value of human connection and the power of people uniting is a dangerous assumption.

  Think about the subconscious influence of social proof, the power of a single referral or personal recommendation, and the roaring advocacy of a passionate member base that can all influence the trajectory of a business. Community isn’t just a marketing play or an acquisition strategy. Investing in this work impacts all points of the customer lifestyle—from top-of-funnel awareness to conversion to retention and churn.

  Therefore, when we attempt to settle on a single metric to quantify the ROI of something that is so complex and inextricably woven into every aspect of the human experience, it should come as no surprise that we often fall short in trying to understand the magnitude of community’s impact in our professional lives.