by Emily Rose
At the thought of brotherhood, I felt the undeniable urge to tell him about the awkward ass moment I had with his wife last night, but decided it was best to keep that to myself for now. It wasn’t like I had done anything to her, but I still felt the guilt as I listened to him speak over the line.
“I’m sorry. She just won’t talk to me and I know you’ll tell me the truth,” he said.
I felt bad for him, but at the same time, he had put this on himself. I couldn’t exactly blame Ray for being pissed about it. I just couldn’t be their go between either.
They were married. They had to figure out their own shit.
I sighed heavily, “Dude, you left with another chick who you have yet to explain to any of us. What did you expect she was going to do?”
I heard a noise on the other end of phone. It sounded like a car door shutting. “Yeah, I get it. I’m an asshole, but you don’t know how much I owe Mia’s brother. I’m doing this for him.”
I had never felt the need to hit Miles until Ray became family, right now, if he had been in reaching distance, I would have knocked his ass out.
“You can bullshit your way through with everyone else, but you can’t bullshit your way through me,” I said.
He was silent for so long I had to check to see if he was even still there.
“You’re right. I don’t even know why I tried,” he said with a defeated tone.
I took a deep breath. “I don’t either, but you need to hurry this shit up if you want to continue being a husband.”
“Yeah,” was all he said.
Neither one of us said anything then, like he was thinking about how much shit has changed in the past six months as much as I was. I didn’t want to admit it, but I had noticed a difference in Danny over the last few weeks. I knew she wanted me to pour my emotions at her feet, explain to her how pulling the fucking trigger on Brody felt, but I couldn’t.
I knew how it felt but saying it out loud made it real.
And how I felt about it probably wasn’t what everyone was expecting. It had been in self-defense of another, so I never got in trouble for it, but that wasn’t even the issue. If I had gotten jail time for it, I would have gladly handed myself over without an argument.
Because how I felt about it told me that maybe being behind bars was where I needed to be.
“Jax?” I heard Miles’ voice and it pulled me from my morose thoughts.
I blinked. “Yeah, sorry, I’m here.”
“You alright man?” he asked quietly.
I looked at a spot on the wall. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, but my mental answer was not just no, but fuck no. I wasn’t okay. I was far from fucking okay.
“If you ever want to talk, you know I’m here, right?” he asked.
“Yeah, thanks,” I said.
“No need to thank me. Look, I have to go. Thanks for keeping an eye on Ray for me,” he said.
“No problem,” I said and then we hung up.
I turned my phone screen off and shoved it into the pocket of my shorts. I sat there for a minute as the last six months caught up to me.
Danny was trying. I could tell. She was trying to accept the fact that I didn’t want to open up about shit yet, but I knew that girl better than anyone.
I knew that, eventually, she would quit trying.
And I couldn’t blame her.
Chapter Five
Danny
I sat on the couch next to Ray as we waited for Jax, who had yet to come out of the bedroom. The TV was playing, but I wasn’t paying much attention to the alcohol-fueled drama on the show.
“Do you think he fell asleep?” Ray asked.
I knew she wasn’t ready to talk to Miles yet, but I also knew it bothered her that he had called Jaxson rather than trying to call her again.
And I didn’t blame her.
I had no idea what the hell Miles was thinking, but then again, I wasn’t sure what I was thinking anymore either.
When we had been at Paradise and Chase asked me if I was seeing anyone, I wasn’t sure how to tell him that I was. I loved Jaxson, but I was still getting used to the fact that I was with him officially.
“I don’t know, maybe,” I said as I leaned over the back of the couch to look down the hallway toward the bedroom door that had remained closed since he’d gone inside.
“Should you go check?” Ray asked.
I nodded, “Yeah, I’ll be right back,” I slid off the couch and headed down the hallway. I raised my fist to knock once when I reached the door.
It took a minute, but I heard his voice.
“Come in.”
I grabbed the doorknob and turned it, easing the door open and sticking my head inside. I saw Jaxson on the edge of the bed. His elbows were propped on his knees and his hands held his head. The dark strands of his hair stood up around his fingers as he sat there.
“You okay?” I asked and walked into the room. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it.
He didn’t answer, so I moved away from the door and toward him. When I sat down beside him, he still didn’t lift his head.
“Jaxson…” I tried again and placed my hand on his arm as if that would somehow get his attention better than my words.
And it worked, because he moved his arm and lifted his head.
“We don’t have to go meet Kevin,” I said.
He shook his head. “No, that’s not it.”
“Then what is it?” I asked.
I felt my heart flutter at my own question. I wanted Jaxson to be able to open up to me about Brody, but at the same time, I feared what he would say. Maybe it was just old habits, but a part of me blamed myself for what he had to do that night, and I knew it had changed him. Even if the change was hardly noticeable to anyone else, I saw it in his golden gaze. The light that had once been there had dimmed that night, like watching a candle finally flicker out.
He took a deep breath. “I don’t know.”
I felt that. I could understand it. It amazed me that an answer as simple as that one could explain everything.
I nodded, “Yeah.”
He looked over his shoulder at me and I wanted to take the blank look I saw in his whisky colored eyes and replace it with one we could understand together.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
“Sure,” I said.
And I knew that was the end of whatever this moment had been. I took my arm off him as he stood up and walked back into the living room, leaving me alone.
I thought about six months ago, I thought about how open I could be with Jaxson then and how open he could be with me, but it was like once we put a label on who we were together, that piece of our relationship was lost. We weren’t just Danny and Jaxson anymore.
We were someone else entirely.
I sighed heavily and stood up as I pushed these thoughts away. When I came out into the living room, I found Ray at the bar now, the TV off, and Jax nowhere in sight. She looked up when I entered.
“Jaxson is waiting in the car,” she said.
I nodded. “Let’s go then.”
She slid off the barstool and we headed out the door. I opened the passenger door of Jaxson’s car and pushed the seat up, so that Ray could get into the back. I got in after her and closed the door. Jaxson had a song playing that I knew.
“Bulletproof” by Godsmack vibrated through the cab and I zeroed in on the lyrics. I could relate to them and I knew Jaxson could too.
In all honesty, I think the whole gang that worked at Twisted could relate to them.
Jaxson shifted into gear without a word and backed out of the driveway. Once we got onto the main road, we took off at lightning speed and flew down the two-lane road, the music rising to the speed of the car accelerating.
*
Two hours later, two basketball games in, I sat on the normal bench beside Ray with Rachel on her other side as Kevin and Jaxson went one on one.
It was after 5 pm now and the evening was filled with s
ounds of crickets. I loved it and I would miss it when it was gone. Kevin had brought a Bluetooth speaker with him and “In Da Club” by 50 Cent played. Kevin had always been into old school rap. It was a constant source of contention with the other guys.
“What the hell Kevin?! Are you just going to let him keep beating your ass?” Rachel yelled, causing me and Ray to burst out laughing.
She was right though. Jaxson was good at basketball. He won both games. Not to mention, it was fun watching him play.
It was a weird kind of sexy.
I smiled as Jaxson stole the ball from Kevin once again and shot over his head.
“Fucking shit,” Kevin groaned loudly.
Jaxson laughed and they started again.
“Is anyone going to clue me in to where the fuck Miles took off to?” Rachel asked and I realized I wasn’t the last one to know something.
Ray sighed heavily. I knew she had to be tired of explaining it.
“Arkansas,” she said.
Rachel laughed once, but then suddenly looked serious. “What the hell is he doing in Arkansas? I mean I know he said he was going to be gone for a few days, but Arkansas?! What the hell?”
“My thoughts exactly,” I chimed in as I watched Kevin get a three-pointer in.
He cheered loudly for himself, but it didn’t last long as Jaxson stole the ball again.
“I don’t know. All I know is that some girl showed up at the house asking him to help her brother and he said that he owed her brother for whatever damn reason. The next thing I knew, he was in her car and they were leaving,” Ray said with frustration bleeding through every word.
“Wait, so a random chick showed up and then Miles just went poof!” Rachel asked.
“Pretty much,” Ray answered.
“What was her name?” Rachel asked.
“Mia Henley,” I answered this time.
“Who the hell is that?” Rachel went on.
It surprised me that even Rachel didn’t seem to know who it was. Miles had always been close to her, so I just assumed she would know, but it looked as if we were all in the dark about him.
Miles obviously still had shit he hadn’t shared with anyone from Twisted.
“I don’t know…” Ray said with a dejected tone this time.
I felt bad for her. I wanted to fix it, but I knew I couldn’t. Only she could do that, and eventually, she would have to talk to Miles even if she didn’t want to. As I watched Jaxson shoot the ball, I realized I should probably be taking my own advice.
I followed the ball as it went up and into the air, bouncing off the backboard.
“Ohh, no good,” Rachel yelled as Kevin snatched the ball up.
I glanced at Ray. She wasn’t even paying attention to the game as she gazed down at her phone in her hands. My heart ached, and I nudged her with my shoulder.
“You should call him,” I said when she met my gaze.
She took a deep breath, “Kind of like you should talk to Jaxson.”
Ok. I hated that my best friend could see through my bullshit. I glanced at Jax as he continued playing. “Yeah, I just don’t know how,” I said truthfully.
“You guys are different and if you aren’t careful, you’ll wait too long, and you won’t be able to find your way back to each other,” Ray said.
I wasn’t sure if she was talking about me and Jaxson or her and Miles, but either way, I knew she was right and that scared me. I didn’t want to lose Jaxson, but at the same time, I wasn’t sure how to be this girl with him. The settled girlfriend type.
I thought it’d be easy when I realized I loved Jaxson, because isn’t that what love was supposed to do? Make it easy to be with that person, like breathing.
It was different for me though. It was like I couldn’t breathe. Not because I loved him, but because I had barely learned how to love again, and I wasn’t sure I was loving him the right way.
Love was a tricky game.
And it was one I had failed at before.
Chapter Six
Miles
I stood on the porch of Mia’s house. We had made it to our destination and as I stared up at the night sky, I realized that I had forgot how much I liked Arkansas.
“Coffee?” I heard Mia’s voice next to me.
I shook my head as I watched the stars. “I forgot what this place was like,” I admitted.
“It’s been awhile. That’s for sure,” she said as she went over to sit down on the wooden swing that I had helped her put up a few years ago.
Unlike back home, Mia lived just outside of the city limits, so you could see everything without the glare of the lights.
“Do you miss it?” she asked.
I looked over to see that she watched me from behind the cup of coffee she held between her palms. “Some parts of it I guess,” I said truthfully.
She nodded in understanding.
“You didn’t have to leave, you know, after everything,” she said.
I glanced back up at the sky, “I know, but I couldn’t stay either. I had to go. I needed the space.”
“I get that,” Mia said.
I hated that it was so fucking easy to talk to Mia, even after years apart, it was like I had never left, and we were still best friends.
“Ray hates me,” I said.
I knew it wasn’t true, but she might as well. I hadn’t talked to her since I left, and I wanted to fix it. She just wouldn’t give me the chance to.
I might be gone, reliving old shit, but I was still her husband.
I still loved that damn girl with every beat of my fucked up heart.
“She doesn’t hate you. No woman in their right mind could hate you,” Mia said.
I smirked. “Well, that’s bullshit, but thanks.”
Mia laughed, “No, it’s not. You’re a great guy. Ray just doesn’t know everything, and I get why you aren’t telling her, but can I speak freely?”
I released a deep breath, “The Mia I know wouldn’t have asked that question. She would have just put my ass in line,” I said.
“Ha. Ha. You’re hilarious,” Mia said.
I chuckled, “Sorry, yeah, speak freely.”
She sat her coffee on the railing of the porch and stood up. I watched as she came over and stopped just a foot or two from me. Her eyes darted between mine and I knew she was trying to figure out which color she wanted to focus on first.
Everyone did that.
“You love Ray. I mean you married her, but all of this, isn’t it something you should have told her about before you married her?” Mia asked gently.
I thought about that. It wasn’t like I hadn’t had the chance to tell Ray. I just wanted to keep it away from her and I wasn’t even sure why I did.
Mia sighed and then reached up to place her hand on my chest. “Miles, she’s your wife. You need to explain things to her, or she’ll never trust you with anything. I mean isn’t that what marriage is all about? If you can’t be honest with your spouse, then what’s the point?”
I nodded and looked away. “Yeah, I know.”
Neither one of us said anything then, because there wasn’t much more we could say. I knew that one way or another, I would have to tell Ray everything.
But for now, I had to get through this first. Mia’s brother deserved that much. What happened to him hadn’t been his fault and he served time for it.
If speaking for him helped, I wouldn’t turn my back on him. He hadn’t turned his back on me when I needed saving.
And maybe that was why I couldn’t tell Ray about this part of my life. I was someone else entirely during this time and it scared the shit out of me even thinking about her knowing that Miles. She didn’t love him, and if she knew that I used to be him, I wasn’t sure she’d ever love me again.
“We should get some sleep. The next few days are going to be pretty long,” Mia said.
I nodded, “Don’t remind me.”
She sighed heavily and then dropped her hand from my chest, “Thank yo
u for doing this. It wasn’t easy coming to you and I know I could have just called, but I had to talk to you about this in person.”
I met her gaze. “I’m glad you came to me. Your brother saved my ass more than once. This is the least I can do for him.”
Mia smiled and then leaned up to wrap her arms around my neck. She buried her face in my chest and breathed in deeply, “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you, Miles.”
I looked over her head as I eased my arms around her waist. “I’ve missed you, too,” I said honestly.
As I spoke the words, a part of me felt like the old Miles, the one nobody knew except Mia, had just broke away a piece of the brick wall I had built around this version of myself.
And he wasn’t about to stop there.
Chapter Seven
Ray
Monday’s were the worst. This was the first day of school and I was already wishing it was over as I rushed through the doors of Gordon State, my book bag flapping against my side and my hands full of textbooks.
This was my second year of college. I had pretty much covered all my basics in my first year, but this year, I had to start moving forward. I knew for a fact that I wanted a career in mental health counseling, so my goal this year was to focus on the courses needed for that.
Starting with general psychology, which I was totally late for.
I hurried down the hall toward Professor Blake’s class. I hated being late, but we had got back to Jax’s house late last night, after stopping at Miles’ only long enough for me to grab some clothes, and I had forgot to set the alarm on my phone.
I stopped at Professor Blake’s door and took a deep breath, willing my heart to calm down as it thrummed madly inside my chest. I could see the professor standing up in front of the class, speaking.
I could not have picked a worse time to walk into the room. I sighed and pushed the door open. Like I was the new girl in high school, everyone looked up when I entered, and Professor Blake stopped speaking to take in his new student.