by Emily Rose
“Okay, what the hell is going on?” he asked and shoved his hands into his pockets.
I shrugged. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You and Miles are on the outs, right?” he asked.
I looked away from him and grabbed my phone from the center console to switch the song, “You could say that I guess,” I responded.
“Why?”
When I found the song I wanted, which happened to be “All These Things I Hate Revolve Around Me by Bullet for My Valentine, I pressed play. “You don’t want to know,” I said and sat my phone down as the music started.
Jacob was silent for a while and then, “Well, I’m here if you need me.”
I looked up at him. “Yeah, thanks man.”
He nodded, “No problem. We’re family. I got your back.”
“Same goes to you,” I said, and I meant every word.
Jacob gave me a half smile, “Thanks. I’ll let you go. I was just concerned.”
“I’m good,” I said as firmly as I possibly could.
He nodded, “Alright. I’ll see you.”
As he started to walk away, I spoke and he stopped to face me, “Hey, you know you didn’t have to move in with Mom, right? I didn’t mind it when you were staying with me,” I said.
Jacob smirked, “I know, but I’m good. I’ll get my own place soon.”
“Just so you know,” I said.
He nodded, “Thanks brother.”
“Sure, anytime,” I said and then watched as he headed back into the house.
Once he was gone, I shifted into gear and took off out of the driveway. When I got back on the main road, I turned up the volume on the radio and drove over the speed limit all the way back to town. It wasn’t until I was nearly to the house when the music cut off with an incoming call. I looked and saw a name I hadn’t been expecting at all.
Danny’s name took over the screen on the radio and almost instantly, my mind started pondering why she was calling me.
I debated, but then I picked up my phone and answered. “Hey.”
Her voice came through the line and I could hear that she had been crying, “Please tell me that it isn’t true,” she said.
I slowed my speed as my mind hit a brick wall and I tried to figure out how to respond. I didn’t need to ask her what she was referring to. I already knew. I didn’t know how she knew, but it was clear that she did. When I didn’t answer right away, she spoke again and this time, I knew she had fresh tears streaming down her face.
“Why? Just tell me why….” she said.
I darted into an empty parking lot and shoved my car in park with the engine still running. “How did you find out?” I asked as the guilt I hadn’t expected to feel settled over me.
Danny’s voice cracked when she answered. “I knew something was up. I’ve known that for a while, but it wasn’t until I overheard Miles talking to Kevin on the phone today that my suspicion was confirmed. All I’m asking is why? Why would you do this?” she asked.
I didn’t answer, because I didn’t have one.
“Do you even realize the damage you’ve caused? I get that we didn’t work out, but I never expected you to go fuck my best friend,” she said with another round of tears.
“It was never my intention to hurt you,” I said as I closed my eyes to the sound of her crying.
She laughed through the tears, but it held no humor. “What did you think would happen? Did you think I would just be okay? What about Miles? He is your best friend and Ray is his wife. What the hell is wrong with you?” she asked, and I didn’t have to be around her to know that she was angry.
And I didn’t blame her one bit.
“I…I don’t know,” I said honestly.
She was silent then. Neither one of us spoke, because there wasn’t much we could say. Finally, she broke the silence with a stabbing response.
“I don’t even know who you are anymore. You have ruined so many things. You have been so selfish, and I hope you enjoy how lonely your life is about to get,” she said and then hung up.
I opened my eyes and pulled the phone away from my ear as I let it drop into the center console. The music started playing again, but I wasn’t hearing it. All I could hear was Danny’s words as they took up residence in my mind.
Suddenly, as if everything clicked into place, an anger swelled in my chest. It wasn’t directed at anyone, but yours truly, because Danny was right.
I’ve been selfish. I didn’t care what my actions did to my family. I had stooped to a sickly, low level by fucking Ray. And the worst part was that I knew all of this and I still couldn’t get her off my mind.
I shifted my car into gear harder than I needed to and skidded out of the parking lot as the music blared around me, blocking out everything.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Miles
I stood numbly in my kitchen as Danny cried silently at the bar. It was a damn good thing Ray wasn’t here, because I wasn’t sure what she would do if she was.
When Danny had come to me about the conversation I had with Kevin this morning, I was left with no other choice than to tell her what I knew. It wasn’t like this was how I wanted her to find out, but at the same time, she deserved to know the truth.
“How can you do it?” she asked weakly and looked up at me with red, puffy eyes.
I wasn’t sure how to answer that question, because I wasn’t sure how the fuck I was doing it. Part of me wanted to say that I was just processing it all and trying to figure out if I could forgive them or not, but another part of me wanted to tell Danny that I knew I couldn’t forgive them. I just needed Jaxson right now, but that wouldn’t last forever. I would deal with Jared and when that happened, when Ray was safe again, all cards would be on the table. And I wasn’t sure what would happen then.
“I honestly don’t know what to say,” I answered.
She wiped her cheeks as more tears fell. “I can’t stay here. I can’t be around her.”
“I already figured that,” I said.
“But I don’t know where to go,” she went on.
“Rachel will let you stay with her. I can talk to her.”
Danny nodded and then took a deep breath. It was silent between us for a while and then she spoke again, “It’s kind of ironic. I never expected me and you to be in the same boat.”
I inhaled deeply, “I guess you’re right.”
She met my gaze and held it, “We could fix that you know. They did it to us. It would be nice to get a little revenge.”
When I didn’t respond right away, Danny got up from the barstool and made her way around the counter without taking her eyes off me. She stopped in front of me and raised her gaze up to keep it on mine. “They got away with it. We could too,” she said quietly and then lifted her hand, so that she could place one finger on my chest.
I knew exactly what she was thinking, but it didn’t matter what they got away with. I wasn’t Jaxson, and Danny wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be making decisions. I reached up and grabbed her hand. She froze and looked up to meet my gaze. The blue around her pupils stood out like crystalline orbs as she stared at me. When I didn’t release her hand right away, she spoke.
“It’s only fair, right?” she said, still staring into my eyes.
“No, stop. This isn’t how you need to handle it. Doing this will only make things worse and once you’re over feeling angry, you will feel the guilt that comes with what you’re trying to do,” I said.
Danny blinked and I watched as her eyes filled with unshed tears. “I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive her or him. I feel like this is the last straw and everything’s just over,” she said as she pulled her hand free of mine and stepped back.
I watched her in silence as the tears she tried hard to keep at bay fell effortlessly. She crossed her arms over her chest as if she thought she’d fall apart right there. She was right. This was the last straw, and no matter how much it hurt, we both knew there was no coming back
from it.
She tried to hold herself together, but she couldn’t. Danny broke. Her eyes closed and she bit down on her bottom lip as the tears fell quickly. I stood there silently and watched her body tremble.
“I’m so sorry. I know I’ve never been your favorite person and I’ve lied about you, but I’m just so sorry for everything I’ve ever done. I’m sorry this is happening and I’m sorry you’re hurting too,” she said weakly.
Once again, she was right. She had never been my favorite person, she had lied about me, and I was hurting, even if I refused to let myself break, I felt it. But even with those truths out in the open, I still stepped forward and pulled Danny by the arm toward me. She came easily, wrapped her arms around my waist, and buried her face in my shirt. I took a deep breath and rested my chin on top of her head as I held her in my arms. It wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t anything.
And maybe that was why it felt so natural. We weren’t trying to make it anything. We were just two people using each other to hold themselves together.
I could feel her body trembling with tears in my arms and a wave of anger washed over me. Jaxson hadn’t just turned his back on me. He turned his back on all of us.
And so, had Ray.
“You see a lot when you stop and listen instead of filling the silence with useless words,” Danny whispered.
I thought about her words and how true they were. It was then that I realized my marriage was already over. It had ended the moment Ray decided to fuck Jaxson.
And now, I was just playing fucking mind-games with them both. I wanted Ray to feel the guilt I saw in her eyes. I wanted her to take the time to soak up what she had done until she couldn’t take it anymore and it broke her. She made her choice, whether she knew it or not.
I loved her and I didn’t want Jared to hurt her, but the truth did a lot to the mind. It not only made you see everything clearly again, but it brought out pieces of you that were hidden beneath all the bullshit. It let you learn to be yourself again, even if that person was someone people judged. You didn’t give a fuck. And I was to that point. I had stopped struggling to be someone I wasn’t.
During the time I was with Mia, she told me that I had changed, and she was right. I wasn’t the guy she knew anymore. I wasn’t even the guy Ray thought she knew.
I was the guy I knew.
I was the guy I accepted.
And I didn’t give a fuck if anyone else approved of me or not.
“I’m going to head over to Rachel’s. You’ll still call her for me?” Danny asked as she pulled away from me and wiped her face with her sleeve.
I nodded and rested my hands on the counter again as I watched her try to compose herself as if she hadn’t just shattered into a thousand pieces. “Sure,” I said.
“Thanks,” she said and went around to grab her purse from where it sat on the bar before she headed out the door, closing it behind her.
I stood in the complete silence for a minute and then pulled my phone out of my pocket. When I found Rachel’s number, I dialed it. It rang once, twice, and then she picked up.
“Sup?”
“You will probably have a roommate for a little while,” I said.
She sighed heavily, “Who?”
“Danny,” I said truthfully.
Rachel was silent for a minute and then she spoke, “I’m confused. So, you and Ray are okay? And why is Danny coming to stay with me?”
“I wouldn’t say that we’re okay and it’s probably better if you don’t ask too many questions about it,” I answered.
“Miles….” she went on, but I stopped her.
I sighed. “Just give it a few days before you do if you’re going to.”
“Fine,” she agreed.
“Thank you.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry shit is so messed up right now. You know I’m here for you anytime you need me. I’ll always have your back,” she said.
“I know, and same goes to you,” I told her honestly.
Rachel was my sister, even if I didn’t tell her every little thing about my personal life. She knew when it was fucked up and while she wanted to know why, she wouldn’t press me if I refused to tell her. She had always just been there. No questions asked. No bullshit.
Just family.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Ray
You know those moments in life where everything just stopped, and you got slapped in the face with the consequences of your actions? That was where I stood.
My life had stopped moving, and I wasn’t sure when or if it would pick back up again. I sat on the floor in the bathroom at work and stared at the door. Like maybe it would show me a secret pathway to take, one that would take me far away from here.
Slowly, I felt the tears slide down my cheek as I tried to process everything. If my life hadn’t already taken a turn for the worst before, I was sure it had now. This news changed everything like it hadn’t changed enough.
There was a knock at the door, and I heard Anna’s voice on the other side, “Honey, are you okay?”
I couldn’t respond. I was speechless. I was tired.
I was just done.
“Reanna?” Anna called.
She only ever used my actual name when she was dead serious, which told me I better answer her before she kicked the bathroom door down.
“You…you can come in,” I said as loudly as I could with such a raw throat.
I had been in here for thirty minutes and cried nearly the entire time. I wasn’t even sure if I was done crying, because the tears still fell. The door opened a moment later and Anna stuck her head inside. It didn’t take her long to see the situation at hand. I watched as her eyes fell to the little thing sitting on the floor between my legs and then came up to meet my eyes.
“Oh baby….” She said and then walked inside the tiny room.
At the sound of her voice so close to me now, I unleashed a whole new round of tears. Anna kneeled in front of me and placed her hands on my knees.
“Shh, don’t cry baby. I know this is scary, but one of these days, you’ll see it as a blessing,” she said.
I wiped my face angrily and sucked in a deep breath as I met her gaze. “I can’t do this. I’m not ready to do this,” I said through each breath.
Anna’s eyes softened, “I know it’s a lot to take in right now, but before you make any sudden choices, you need to let yourself see what it can be like. I will help you through everything. I’ll be there every step of the way,” she said.
“My life is ruined. My marriage is ruined. It’s over,” I said, and my heart broke at how true those words already felt.
“Have you told Miles the truth yet?” Anna asked.
I shook my head. “No. I’m weak. I haven’t been able to.”
“You don’t know how he’ll react until you tell him. Miles loves you,” she said.
Those last three words only made my heart hurt that much more, because she was right. He did love me, and I had stabbed him in the back. I didn’t understand how I could love Miles, but at the same time, not regret what happened with Jaxson.
How could I love one man and begin to fall for another?
And that was what I was doing. I was falling for Jaxson. The least likely person for me to ever fall in love with, yet the one man I couldn’t seem to forget.
“I can’t do this,” I repeated.
“Don’t turn your back on this yet. Let me show you,” she said.
I stared into her gaze and tried to process what she was saying, but it wasn’t sticking. I couldn’t do this. I would fail it just like I failed everyone else.
“Can I ask you something?” Anna asked.
“I guess so,” I said with a cracked voice.
“This isn’t even important, but do you know?” she asked.
I knew what she meant without her even finishing that sentence. And this thought just brought more tears to my eyes, because I also knew the answer to her question.
“No,” I said
shamefully as my vision blurred.
Anna smiled gently and then picked up the stick between my legs. She sat it on the sink and then held her hands out to me, “Come on. Stand up,” she said.
I wanted to refuse, but I knew better than to try to, so I grabbed her hands and let her pull me to my feet. Anna kept hold of my hand as she walked back out to the front counter. That was when she released me and then started going about the normal routine of locking the place down. It was still an hour and a half before we normally closed, so I wasn’t sure what she was doing, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask either.
Once everything was cleaned up and locked away safety, Anna grabbed her purse and keys. “Follow me,” she said and headed out the door.
I grabbed my stuff and then followed her. Anna locked up the shop behind us and went straight for her car, bypassing mine. I wasn’t sure where we were going, but I got into the passenger seat of her car anyway and waited as she started the engine. We pulled out a minute later and drove across town to an area I wasn’t very familiar with. It was a cleaner part of town and far enough away from the buildings that it seemed as if we were miles away from the city, even though it couldn’t have been more than five minutes outside the city limits. Anna pulled down a paved drive. One that was barely wide enough for a regular sized car and then continued through the tall trees that stood on either side.
It wasn’t until we got into the opening that I realized where we were. The cemetery. It was filled with headstones. Some huge, some small. Anna kept following the twisty road that led through the headstones until she reached nearly the very end and then she parked. I looked over only to see that she was looking out the window instead.
“Why are we here?” I asked.
“I want to show you something,” she said and then got out without another word.
I had never seen this side of Anna. She had always been nice, and she had always treated me like I was her own daughter, but she never showed me anything about her personal life. And this seemed extremely personal. I got out anyway and followed her as we walked toward one of the headstones in the far back, next to the tree line.