by Emily Rose
My eyes found hers again, “I feel so ashamed.”
She smiled weakly, “Baby, you are just human. I know you’ll do the right thing, but no matter what happens when you do, I’m here for you.”
“Thank you,” I said and then crashed into her with another hug.
“Don’t thank me. You’re like a daughter to me,” she said as she wrapped her arms tightly around me and we stood silently.
I closed my eyes as my cheek rested against her shoulder and tried to calm my mind. The longer I stood there, with Anna’s warm hug around me, the clearer my mind became. I needed this. She had no idea how much I needed this, but it wasn’t over yet. Telling her the truth didn’t change the fact that I had done it. I had ruined my marriage and probably my friendship with Danny. Not to mention the damage it would do to Jaxson’s and Miles’ brotherhood.
I ruined everything.
*
After my shift was over, I told Anna goodbye and grabbed my purse before I walked out of the coffee shop. It was late now, and the sun was barely over the horizon, which cast an orange glow over the sky.
I dug my keys out of my purse as I stepped off the sidewalk and next to my car. Finally, I found them and pressed the button to unlock it. It was then that I looked up and saw the car that was parked against the curb on the opposite side of the road. The lights were off, but the engine was running. I could hear it from where I stood, and my heart fell at the shadow I saw sitting in the driver’s seat.
It was Jaxson.
I stared at his car and even though I couldn’t see his face in the darkness, I knew he was staring at me too. I also knew he wasn’t here to talk. He was here to make sure Jared didn’t get to me, which meant that Miles couldn’t be here.
I don’t know how long I stood there before I finally got into my car and started the engine. I sat there a minute, but it was long enough for my phone to connect to the Bluetooth and the music to start playing. I looked through the back glass and saw that Jaxson hadn’t moved from his spot. It had been a few weeks since I spoke to him and I knew there had to be shit going on in his head, but I couldn’t keep doing this.
When I told Anna the truth, it had opened something in my mind that made me want to get out of the car and walk straight up to his window. It made me want to force him to talk to me, even if it was the last thing he wanted to do.
I sighed heavily and shoved my door open. I didn’t bother shutting my car off or grabbing anything from it as I closed the door and let my feet carry me across the road to where he was parked. I half expected him to take off when he saw me coming, but he remained parked.
When I reached his window, it was already down. He sat with his head resting against the seat and his eyes straight ahead. Jaxson’s hair looked messy, like he had just run a towel through it and let it dry that way. He wore a black T-shirt and from this angle, it looked as if he had on jeans. He didn’t look at me as I stopped at his window, but I knew he knew I was there.
I took a deep breath and spoke, “I’m going to tell Miles the truth.”
This got his attention and he looked up at me. The golden color of his eyes seemed brighter than normal and it almost hurt to look in them. They were beautiful.
“I don’t think you really need to worry about that,” he said.
“How can you say that? This is something I need to worry about. It’s all I’ve been able to think about,” I said truthfully.
Jax sighed heavily, “Ray, just trust me. You don’t have to worry about that.”
I crossed my arms, “I don’t get what you mean.”
“Like I said, just trust me,” he repeated.
My mind went wild with thoughts as I tried to understand what he was saying, but nothing came to mind that helped. I had no idea what to even say in response.
“You should get home,” he said.
I blinked as he stared at me. It was clear he knew something I didn’t and that it was probably why he had kept his distance. I didn’t argue with him as I turned and headed back across the road to my car. When I got in, I shifted into gear and backed out of the parking space without another glance in his direction.
Jaxson followed me all the way to the road that would lead to the house, but once I turned, he kept going and vanished around the corner in a flash of blue as his Challenger roared past.
I tried not to let this bother me as I pulled into the driveway, but a tiny part of me felt rejected by his actions, even though I had no right to feel that way at all. I shut my engine off and looked around to see that both Miles and Danny’s car were gone. Pulling my keys out, I grabbed my purse and got out, making sure to lock my car as I walked up to the front door.
I hated being alone, but it looked as if I would be tonight. When I walked inside, I shut the door behind me and saw that it was dark, but I didn’t bother flipping on any lights as I headed straight for the bedroom. I closed that door behind me and stripped out of my work clothes. They were in a pile at my feet, but I left them there and grabbed a t-shirt out of the drawer. Slipping it over my head, I walked over to the bed and flopped down on it.
I just wanted to sleep.
I wanted to stop thinking.
Hell, I wanted to stop feeling.
*
I had no idea I had fallen asleep until I woke up to a sudden knot in my stomach. I barely had time to jump out of bed and make it to the bathroom before the vomit came up. I coughed into the toilet as my hair fell around my face, blocking out the light.
“Ray….” I heard Danny’s voice, but I couldn’t look at her as another round hit me. She walked into the bathroom then and grabbed my hair, pulling it back from my face.
I coughed again, but nothing came up this time. When I felt like I could move again without throwing up, I sat back until my back hit the wall. Danny dropped my hair and then grabbed a hand towel from the shelf above me. I watched as she wet it at the sink and then sat down Indian style in front of me, holding it out. I took it and wiped my mouth. The coolness felt amazing against my skin and I closed my eyes as my stomach settled just a little bit more with each passing second.
“Are you okay?” Danny asked.
I opened my eyes and looked at her. “Yeah. I must have eaten something bad at work or maybe it’s just stress, or a stomach bug.”
She nodded. “I hope you feel better soon.”
“Me too. It woke me up from a dead sleep,” I said.
Danny’s nose wrinkled. “Ew, those are the worst kind.”
I nodded in agreement and that was when I realized Miles wasn’t here. He would have woken up when I had if he was or he was asleep on the couch, which meant Danny had slept in the chair.
“Is Miles here?” I asked and then thought about where he was if he wasn’t here.
“Yeah, he’s asleep on the couch though. I woke up when I heard you and saw him there,” she said.
“Oh. I’m sorry if I woke you,” I said.
She shrugged. “Eh, whatever. I hadn’t been asleep very long.”
“What time did you get back?”
Danny looked as if she was thinking before she answered, “Uh, well, I pulled in the driveway and Miles must have just got back, because he was still in his car. That had to be around two I guess.”
“Where were you?”
She laughed. “You sound like my mother used to when I came home late.”
I smiled. “Right, sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it. I was at Twisted for a little bit and then I drove around for forever before I came back here,” she said.
“Oh,” I said.
Before she could say anything else, I heard a deep voice and looked up to see Miles standing in the doorway with a pair of sweatpants hugging his hips and a bare chest. His ink black hair fell into his tired eyes and a confused expression covered his face.
“Why the hell are you guys talking on the bathroom floor?” he asked.
Danny tilted her head back and looked at him upside down. “Uh…. Ray g
ot sick. I heard her and came in to see if she was okay,” she said before tilting her head back straight.
My eyes met and held Miles’. There was an unreadable expression in his and then he spoke. “Are you okay?” he asked.
I nodded. “Yeah. I’m fine.”
Danny seemed to notice the tension in the air and stood up, “Ok, well I’m going to lay back down,” she said and then darted around Miles as he stepped aside to let her through.
I slowly stood up and walked over to the sink to turn on the water. Leaning down, I opened my mouth in the stream and washed it out before I shut the water off.
When I leaned up and grabbed the hand towel to dry my mouth off, Miles was staring at me through the mirror. His expression was a mixture of so many things that I couldn’t tell exactly what he was thinking. Then again, I could never tell what he was thinking.
“I’m sorry you don’t feel good,” he said.
I shrugged. “It’s whatever. I’m okay now. I think I’m just going to lay back down. Are you coming back to bed?” I asked.
He blinked slowly. “I was never asleep in the first place.”
“What time is it?”
He shrugged. “No clue.”
I bit my lip and dropped my gaze from his eyes. I couldn’t take looking in them. I just wanted to go back to sleep and pretend like nothing existed. “Ok. Well, I’m going to lay down,” I said and then walked around him to the bedroom.
He followed me and then closed the door again. When I climbed in bed and pulled the covers over me, he laid down on top of the covers beside me. I felt the weight of his arm as he rested it on my side and stayed close enough to my back that I could feel the heat rolling off his body. I took a deep breath and tried to pretend like this didn’t feel wrong as my eyes drifted closed again.
It wasn’t long before my mind shut off and I fell into a deep sleep next to him.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Jaxson
“You know those weeks where every day feels like a Monday?” Kason asked as he tried to get the part in on the car we were working on.
“My entire life feels like a fucking Monday right now,” I said.
He smirked as he tightened the part down on the bracket. “Well, that’s what this week has felt like for me. It’s just been one thing after the other.”
“Sounds familiar,” I said.
After I was released from the hospital, I took a few days to recover and get my head straight before I went out searching for a new job. It didn’t take me long to find “Randy’s Body Shop.” It wasn’t the best job in the world, and I wasn’t making nearly as much as I was at Twisted, but it was enough to pay the bills.
I had done some bodywork growing up, especially on my own car, and even though it had been years, the moment I started doing it again, it was like I had never stopped. I enjoyed it, but it was a lot different than working as a bouncer.
But it kept me busy and my mind off my addiction. I knew Miles did right by firing my ass, because it was clear I needed it and even though addiction wasn’t something you could just drop from one day to the next, I was doing better than I thought I would.
So much had changed in a matter of a few months. My family, or what I used to call my family, was no more. Everyone was on different paths now and I wasn’t sure if we would ever get back to where we were, but there was one thing I couldn’t forget. One person I’ve tried to forget.
Ray.
It was hard enough without having to see her every time she worked or went to school and Miles couldn’t be there to make sure Jared wasn’t. Last night, when she had walked up to my car, it took all I had not to get out and do something I knew better than to do. I had to get her off my fucking mind. It wasn’t right, all of it felt wrong, but that was easier said than done.
“Dude, did you not hear me?” Kason asked.
I blinked. “What?”
He shook his head with a wry chuckle, “I asked if you had any plans tonight.”
“Oh, sorry. My head isn’t right. Yeah, I have a dinner to go to at my mom’s,” I said.
“Shit, well, I was going to see if you wanted to go grab some beers with me and the guys,” he said.
I thought about it. It was strange having a Friday night off. I was used to working every weekend. “I would man, but I already told my mom I would be there,” I said.
He smirked. “How old are you?”
I flipped him off. “Fuck you. I respect the woman who gave birth to me.”
He laughed, “I’m just giving you shit man. I respect my mom too. Have you ever seen a woman give birth? That shit scares me. I wouldn’t fuck with my mom after seeing that. She’s got some balls.”
“Ok, yeah, I don’t need that image in my head, thanks,” I said as I tried to think about anything else besides Kason’s mother giving birth. She had stopped by the shop earlier in the day, and she wasn’t exactly what I would picture as a soccer mom. She couldn’t have been that much older than us, dark brown hair, tiny, brown eyes. It made me wonder how the hell she had a son that was my age. I asked Kason after she left, and all he would tell me was that he was adopted.
He shrugged. “Hey, I’m just saying. Think about it. A woman bleeds for seven days straight and she’s still alive. That’s fucked up.”
“You’re fucked up man,” I said.
“No. That is fucked up,” he said.
I couldn’t disagree with him, but it wasn’t something I wanted to think about either. I had my limits on what I could picture when it came to a woman’s vagina. Her period was beyond that limit. Yes, I would help her during it. Buy her chocolate and watch sappy romance movies, but I didn’t need the details of what was going on down there. My overactive imagination did enough of that for me. All I could picture was a scene from some horror flick, and someone screaming bloody murder. Only that someone was the vagina.
“Probably, but I would prefer not to have that conversation, especially since you were just talking about your mother giving birth,” I said.
Kason looked at me then, “Dude, I wasn’t…I mean…. Ok, I’ll just shut the fuck up now.”
“Good idea,” I said and then walked back toward the office, “I’m going to do some paperwork.”
When I came into the office, it smelled like car parts, tires, and that orange hand cleaner that I had seen my dad use a few times when I was just a kid. I went around the counter and grabbed the binder from under it. Placing it on the counter, I opened the thick ass thing and started going through the unpaid bills, calling each person and trying to figure out a time when they would be in to pay.
It took me a few hours to get through just a small portion of the list and by the time I was done calling people, my shift was basically over. Kason walked into the office just as I hung up the phone from my last call of the day. He grabbed his keys from where they hung on a board next to the front door.
“Alright, I’m out of here. I locked up the shop already, so just lock this door when you leave,” he said.
I nodded, “See you man.”
Kason left then and I finished picking up the mess. When the office looked back to normal, I grabbed my set of keys from my pocket and headed out, making sure to lock the door behind me.
*
Later that evening, I walked through my mother’s front door and smelled what I knew had to be her famous fried chicken. I closed the door behind me and headed toward the kitchen. When I got near, I could hear my mom as she spoke with that motherly voice I knew all too well.
“I don’t understand why your boss is such an asshole,” she said.
I came into the kitchen to see my brother Jacob, sitting at the bar while Mom stood over the stove, stirring what I assumed were mashed potatoes.
Jacob noticed me first and nodded once, “Hey.”
Mom turned around, “Oh, hey honey,” she said and then frowned, “Where’s Danny?”
“She… uh… couldn’t make it this time. What are you guys talking about?” I a
sked, changing the subject, and taking a seat beside my brother.
He sighed heavily, “My fuck-
“Hey, watch your mouth,” Mom scolded.
Jacob waited until she turned back around before he rolled his eyes, “My boss cut my hours this week.”
“Oh, damn. That sucks,” I said.
“Jacob, I’m telling you. You need to find a new job,” Mom said.
I laughed once, “Well, if you’re looking, I know somewhere that is probably hiring.”
“Oh yeah? Where?” Jacob asked.
“Twisted. I got fired,” I said as I thought back to the day Miles fired me.
Mom turned around in an instant, flinging mashed potatoes all over the cabinets as she swung the wooden spoon around with her. “What?”
I shrugged.
“What the hell happened?” Jacob asked.
“It doesn’t matter, but if you’re interested, I could probably talk to Rachel for you,” I said.
“What about Miles? Isn’t he the owner now?” Mom asked.
“Yeah, but that’s probably not a good idea,” I said honestly.
Jacob gave me an odd expression, and I knew he would have questions the second Mom wasn’t around to hear my answers. Mom, on the other hand, didn’t seem to catch my last statement and turned back to the food on the stove.
“Chicken is ready boys,” she said.
“Thank God. I’m starving,” Jacob said and then stood up to walk around the counter.
I waited until they were done getting their plates before I got my own. Once we were seated at the dinner table, I listened to Mom and Jacob go over the details of what happened at his job while I ate.
After dinner, me and Jacob helped Mom clean up the kitchen and then hung out for a bit before I decided it was time to go home. I was tired and just ready for sleep. I told my mom goodbye and headed out the door, but Jacob wasn’t about to let me leave without asking the questions that burned in his mind. He followed me out to my car and stood by my door as I got in. I started the engine and looked up at him as my phone connected to the radio and music started playing.