by Nick James
I left the file and walked away. I could see Suzy, the little pervert, in the distance. ‘Suzie, I need you to drive me here,’ I said, handing her the address to pick up my weapon.
The little woman rolled her eyes. ‘St George’s Road, Ilford. It will be busy,’ Susie answered back grumpily.
‘Has to be done, Chow’s orders,’ I retorted. To be honest, any time of day around London was busy.
She huffed. ‘Fine. You go pee, not stopping like last time,’ Suzie growled angrily and stomped off to the toilets.
Great, an angry pissed off dwarf all day. I followed her to the ladies and got the toilet business out of the way.
It wasn’t long before we were heading off in her little Mini. Luckily the gun would be broken down into pieces and placed in a briefcase, otherwise it would be awkward. We drove along in silence. The streets got busier as the time went on, and then we saw police cars flying past with their lights ablaze. I wasn’t concerned; our route could lead to many places.
‘What you think, Mai?’
I shook my head. ‘They could be going anywhere. Just in case, we’ll drive by before I call them. They’re expecting us,’ I added.
But as we got closer I saw a helicopter hovering in the distance, and then smoke rising from an upcoming road, which was now cordoned off. As we drove past, I noticed it was an armed police barrier. That’s when my hope ended. It looked like the seventh level of hell down the blocked-off road.
‘We go now?’ Suzie asked.
I took in the scene. The amount of ambulances and fire crews was not a good sign.
The house we needed was on fire. The people we needed were lying on the ground dead or dropping out of windows dead. At some point they must’ve thought that using grenades was a good idea. The gun runners should have just laid down their weapons. If they had, they would have only got ten years if they were lucky, but now they would be inside a coffin.
We headed off. ‘Fuck! Where am I going to get a weapon from now?’ I spat angrily.
‘We have gun,’ Suzie Q said brusquely as she scratched her breast.
I chuckled. ‘Thank you, Suzie, but I need a rifle for a special job. Can’t tell you what, though,’ I explained.
Suzie huffed again. ‘I said we have gun. Tiger find rifles, you buy from us,’ she said. Even though she had been in the UK for over a decade, the dirty little bitch still used clipped tones and broken English like our fellow countrymen. But I believed it was an act.
‘What type?’ I asked, hoping to hell that she would be my little shining knight, but all she did was hold up her finger. Normally, if people did that to her it would be rammed up their arse so hard it would be stuck in their lung.
The angry little dwarf leaned across and flicked open the glovebox. ‘Hand me yellow and black phone,’ she barked.
I wished I had brought my knife with me when I saw a handgun underneath. I passed the phone over and watched her little fingers dance over the screen and then she put it to her ear.
‘Oi, fat boy, what type rifle we have?’ I heard a muffled voice at the other end. ‘What you care! I have buyer. You tell me now, or I borrow time on rack at work – but no fun time.’
The streets seemed to part for us as I waited for the information. I didn’t want to go back to Mr Chow and tell him it was off.
‘L85A3 SA-80 rifle with scope and an AR-15 with same scope…?’ She looked at me.
‘I’ll call him soon,’ I said with hope.
‘Oi, fat boy, she call you later. Remember bread. Fuck you, too!’ Suzie spat and ended the call. She looked back at me with a rare smile. ‘I love that man.’ She then carried on driving and almost looked and acted human for a few seconds.
Chapter 27
Sam Blades
Who says romance is dead? Candles around the bath, a bottle of red wine and little Bunny lying against my chest with nice hot bubbly water cradling us. Although, it was spoilt somewhat by a ginger singer from Yorkshire wailing away, Mr Ed I think his name was. But things were going well. All the files on my flash drive were clear of any clues. The dreams on the Net were from many different workstations, so the leaks must have come from the server level – that screams manager.
As Ed moaned on about some bird he was making the beast with two backs with in Galway, Bunny decided to drop a bomb, which scared me to my core and made me worry about my future on this planet of ours.
‘Sammy, Kate and Mark have invited us to the cinema tomorrow night. It should be fun,’ she said, nestling in to use her body to beat down my manly defences.
My mind was blank. I thought Wayward was very work-oriented and quiet today. That rat bastard; he already knew. Well, he’s going to have an elastic band pinged on his knackers in the morning. ‘That sounds fun… Is it just the film or is it drinks too?’ I waited for all the stars to align. In tribute to Dirty Harry, I thought, will I be lucky, punk?
‘Just the film, as it’s a school night.’
I relaxed, but maybe a little too much… My stomach grumbled and forced out a small bubble of scent, which instead of doing the right thing and rolling up my back and going pop, it kindly negotiated my boys. That did tickle, as we all know, but then it hit my love’s back, crept in between her elbow and waist and popped, introducing her to the essence of Blades.
Mr Sheeran singing about how perfect things were did not work for me, fucker. In seconds, my one and only turned into a rattlesnake and attacked. His tones did not soothe either of us. I was waterboarded with a flannel before having red wine poured over my head. Then she got out of the bath and stormed off using certain swear words in her mother tongue.
I thought I would look them up later, if I survived. ‘Bollocks,’ I muttered, as the door opened again.
‘Our date night hasn’t finished. Prepare yourself, round eye,’ she said with a smile on her delicious lips.
I didn’t know if it was the water temperature or her words, but my baby makers decided to hide, somewhere behind my kidneys, me thinks. It was then I heard the crack of her whip. ‘Bugger. Fortune favours the brave, or the stupid,’ I mumbled, stepping into my doom.
The room was pitch dark apart from a small candle by the bed. ‘Lie down, Sam,’ came her cold tones. ‘Towel off and face down.’
‘I’m guessing sorry won’t cut it, baby?’ I whined in my manly tones.
The room went silent, apart from her heels clicking on the bathroom tiles. How the hell she got past me I don’t know.
‘Just trying another character you might like, Sam. Now, shush,’ she said, while still tapping her foot.
My mind was a blur. Sorry, J.K. Rowling, but my fantasies need your writing genius. So, not Cho or Fleur. Who could it be? Hmmm…so many. Maybe McGonagall, somebody strict. If it’s Snape, I’m leaving right now.
As she moved in the shadows, I suddenly felt her whip lie across my back and then it was slowly pulled down my body and arse, tickling the boys who had come out to play.
‘Well, well, itty-bitty Baby Potter, all alone and under my power,’ she said coldly, as my mind closed down.
‘Bellatrix Lestrange. Oh shit!’
SWISH…CRACK. ‘FFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.’
The next morning was a silent affair – not because of the farting incident, but because of what came after. Best night ever!! Even Bunny had a whale of a time.
We kissed deeply before limping off to work. I gave Pam Pam the bag lady a fiver, but all she did was cackle and go chasing after a small dachshund. Crazy lady.
I danced through the underground station as The Jam sang about the same place. How apt. I nodded at the tone-deaf bastards as we continued our truce, but they didn’t know I had managed to convince some people I know to start putting foreign money in their hat. See, Bunny, I’m keeping my promise. Kind of.
I walked past the two pretend models on our reception desk and gave them my best smile as the Pet Shop Boys sang about West End girls of the night. ‘Morning, ladies.’ After which I received the usual
cold stares, as all us minions did. ‘Dress-down day, is it?’ I danced away ignoring their gasps and others’ chuckles.
I centred myself and scored three points at breast basketball. ‘Morning, all,’ I said, watching the chocolate peanut disappear. The office returned my morning’s greetings, then I noticed Mark walking in late. He saw my smile as he came in, but not the paper clip that flew true and knocked his swimmers boss-eyed. As he crumpled, I turned around. ‘Have fun, everyone,’ I said before starting the day’s work as Mark just cradled himself.
Fair play to Hooper/Dreyfuss; he just left Mark where he was. Richard knew I had my reasons and didn’t want to get involved.
Mark dragged himself onto his chair. ‘Found out, then?’ he mumbled.
‘Yep, sounds like fun,’ I said, looking at his overly red face. ‘Would’ve liked a heads-up mate!’
He nodded, and we carried on in silence. I had a rare email from my mum. She appeared to be in Brazil tattooing eyebrows on homeless transvestites. It is possible I read it wrong, but that was the gist of the email.
Mark and I swapped files. We tend to do that on a weekly basis when the House of Commons is in session because MPs dream some crazy shit when they’re in town, to the point where we share the worst ones so we have some time away from the crazy.
‘Oh, how was date night?’ asked Mark.
All I did was roll up my sleeve and show him the scar of ‘Bunny woz ere’ cut into my arm. She does her research when role-playing, and then adds her own twist.
‘Ouch! Good night, then,’ he said with a smirk just as my phone rang.
I picked it up and mouthed, ‘The best.’ But, I am Mr Professional. ‘Sam Blades, can I help you?’
‘Hello, Mr Blades. Mr Kettering would like a moment of your time, if you’re free?’ the voice of an angel said.
Internally, I sighed. ‘I’ll be right up.’ I locked my PC after hanging up. ‘Richard, Chrome Dome wants me.’
He wilted. ‘Right, be friendly, don’t call him that again and don’t lose your temper,’ advised Richard.
I smiled back. ‘Buddy, clearly you have me confused with someone else,’ I said with a shit-eating grin and headed out of the door. ‘Later, bitches. Whoops! Morning, Susan.’ The woman from down the corridor pulled a face at me before walking off.
As I made my way towards the office of shiny domes, I thought about the ethereal voice on the phone. I was humming ‘It Must Be Love’ by good old Madness, as I expected a tall, lithe beauty in a white robe, which allowed you to see her body shape in the sunlight like they have in Spain. I was wrong. Maybe her name was Thump or Ugg. She just waved me in to the dome of light; clearly, she had a voice double for the phone.
‘Morning, sir,’ I smarmed, trying to decide whether to fart on the way out, but it would probably smell like flowers to the old git.
Mr Follically Challenged smiled and offered me a seat. ‘Coffee, Sam?’
Mr Blades to you, twat. ‘Yes please, milk and two sugars,’ I said with honest, thankful tones. One sugar wasn’t enough last time (shudder).
He handed it to me and took one for himself while a false smile appeared on his face. ‘I have heard good things about you, Sam, especially after the problems you had,’ said Albert.
I shrugged. ‘We roll with the punches, sir. Should stop any further break-ins…sir,’ I said happily. I still wondered where Mr Kebab got our key from.
The bald man clapped his hands happily. ‘I just wanted you to know that we won’t be pursuing you or your girlfriend anymore for her family’s details.’
I didn’t like the way he said that. He looked like a great white shark smiling at me, and I was a seal. ‘Oh, I thought that was all sorted after your trip up north.’ I mentally high-fived myself as his face flushed with anger, but he quickly regained control.
‘Quite,’ he snapped, before pulling out some paperwork and passing over a sheet of paper. ‘It’s because we have found it,’ he said, smiling smugly.
It was Bunny’s birth certificate. Ying and Yang Li were in law enforcement as an occupation. Well…duh, I thought. ‘Seems like a lot of expense, sir, especially as we’re not married.’ I shot him a glare, even though I was chuckling about their names.
The man shrugged. ‘Well, if I want something, I get it one way or another,’ he said with a sneer.
I nodded to the man. ‘I’ll remember that, sir,’ and handed back the document. ‘Is that all…sir?’ I stood up.
He leaned back in his chair and looked at the London skyline. ‘Oh yes, give my regards to your girlfriend,’ he said happily without looking over at me.
‘Oh, I will. She’ll buy some Crocs for when you meet. Good day, sir,’ I said, and turned just as I saw him flinch.
My head pounded as I went back to my little prison. I swore to myself not to tell Bunny until tomorrow. Tonight, we would have a good night. No drama – nothing.
People noticed I was pissed off, but they picked up on my subtle signs to leave me alone. My knuckles did hurt against that wall.
I made it through the day, but neither Mark nor I went to the pub because we were going to get ready for the cinema, or fight, tonight.
My Oriental flower was skipping around happy as you like when I got home. Clearly, she had got rid of all her aggression last night. You’re welcome. It did worry me that she was wearing very high-heeled boots, which I love, jeans and a jumper. To my warped mind they looked like fighting clothes, but I guess she wanted to appear taller, which would have worked, but it seemed that Kate had the same idea.
We told the girls to get the food stuff while we got the tickets. I wasn’t sure what the film was about, but it had Matt Damon in it. How many times does that guy need to get rescued? And the money, Jesus. In middle of France, then Mars – lock him up and you’ll save a ton load of money.
‘They seem to be getting on well,’ said Mark, linking arms with me.
As I gave him the stink eye, he removed his arm after kissing me on the cheek. ‘They always start off fine – and kiss me again, it’ll be us having a scrap.’ Well, that made him and the people around chuckle.
We made it in safely. The girls sat in the middle and we the manly men were either side next to our partners. I don’t know why they never talked to us. In fact, they only stopped talking when the film appeared, which I was thankful for because the people behind were grumbling about the noise.
The film was okay, and the girls were talking again as soon as the credits started to roll. Mark and I went to the toilet, as did the girls.
‘We’ve nearly made it, mate,’ I said happily.
Mark nodded at the next urinal.
Why is he so close? I can shake on my own, mate.
‘Just from here to the car park. So close…’ he said, with his eyes closed. It was like finding the Holy Grail.
The girls were waiting when we got out. When we started to chat about work, the girls dropped back letting us take the lead towards the car park. That’s when I heard it, just like the whistle before a bomb hits.
‘How can someone so small talk so fucking much?’ came a man’s voice.
Mark and I shot each other a look and hoped there wouldn’t be an answer.
‘How can someone be so round and not have a planet orbiting it!’ Bunny shot back.
‘Shit,’ I muttered, as we stopped.
‘Fuck you, Chow Mein,’ the human planet said, with his huge friend next to him.
Kate stepped forward and lost her finger in the man’s moobs. ‘Piss off, Dickless!’
She was then pushed away by the man mountain, who was the one to feel Bunny’s heel pierce his knee, making him scream and instantly drop onto the carpeted floor.
Mark and I moved to save the day as Moobs took a swipe at my love, who ducked and punched him in his gut. I lost sight of her wrist as he doubled over. He never saw Kate’s foot coming upwards to his once pointed nose.
It was all finished by the time the men arrived and pulled the women out of the ne
arest fire exit as we parted and ran into the light-strewn car park. Bunny called Stoney and Beth who were working and explained what had happened. Luckily, they were willing to head over to the cinema to help or hinder.
What I found out the next day from Mark was that like Bunny, Kate was so pumped full of adrenaline that he was also attacked and sexually assaulted while driving home. We had both needed to pull over in our separate cars and have very uncomfortable relations in dark car parks. It was quite fortuitous that Bunny and I had only just bought a car. Happy days.
Chapter 28
Tony (Tiger) Thompson
‘I fucking hate the countryside’ I muttered, trying to scratch myself while lighting a fag. I saw Peanut’s bird standing by her car that she had stolen to make our rendezvous. I flashed my light as we had arranged for her to follow me into the arsehole end of the country in Buckinghamshire. She called me on my new burner as arranged. ‘Wotcha, Mai.’
‘Hello, Tony, where are we going?’ she asked in much politer tones than my Suzie.
‘Just follow me. I gotta mate who’s running a clay pigeon shoot to cover us firing, it’s just outside High Wycombe,’ I said, knowing gunfire wouldn’t even be cared about or noticed in that place.
The phone was silent. ‘Okay, Tony. If I’m pulled by the police just leave; I’ll deal with it on my own.’ She then hung up. No wonder Peanut had his hands full with that one, which made me chuckle at the double entendre, but she was good for him. Those one-night stands were gonna kill him. Everybody needs a hitman/woman in their life.
I needed to get rid of these guns quick. Bloody internal affairs were still about and causing no end of grief for everybody including honest old me. Suzie Q and I had a discussion and decided to clear the house and behave for a bit, within reason. We had enough cash to have fun with and the coke was stored away under my mother’s name in a safety deposit box – bet she wished her ticker was still working. ‘Rest in peace, Mum, you dirty bitch,’ I muttered with a dark chuckle.