Topsy Turvy Kinda Love

by J Marie

  “We used to be friends at the compound. He was almost 14 years older than me, but he was kind. I thought for years that he was dead because that’s what we’d been told…”

  She smiles at me. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Zara just spilled the beans.”

  “It was just recently that I found out. I guess you could say I’ve been trying to process it all.”

  She nods. “I guess that’s understandable.” Her bottom lip worries, and I can tell she’s about to tell me what’s going on, so I shut up and wait. “Brooks, I need to tell you something. Will you come sit with me on the couch?” She grabs my hand, leading me into the living room, and we both take a seat. She clasps my hands in hers and leans in close. This isn’t helping my nerves at all.

  Fingers and toes metaphorically crossed that she doesn’t tell me she’s dying or some shit like that. I can’t handle it. My mind blanks to the worst possible things.

  Mia sits back on the couch and takes a deep breath. She’s clearly been crying, and my heart breaks for the fear in her eyes. Fear from what she’s going to tell me? “We’re having a baby,” she whispers almost too softly for me to hear, but I do.

  My world comes to a slamming halt. Am I still breathing? My heart is beating. I must be breathing, but did she just say. “W-what?” I stammer.

  “I’m pregnant, Brooks. It’s yours.”

  I blow out a breath and run a hand through my hair. “But how did this happen?”

  “Well, your P went in my V and…”

  “No, I know how reproduction works, Mia. It’s just… I thought…”

  “I know. My doctor switched me to the birth control patch, and I never changed it. You’re supposed to change it every week, and it’s been a hell of a lot longer. I’m so sorry, Brooks.” She chokes up on her words, and I see another tear slip down her cheek. I can see the fear of everything that’s happened, and the last thing I want to do is blow up at her. I’m freaking the hell out, but I need to be strong for her. Her blue eyes are alive with fear, the unknown. She’s probably afraid I’ll run.

  So many questions tangle inside my brain, my thoughts are shot to hell. I’m completely in shock. I always wanted kids one day, but I thought I’d be more settled than I am now, but I love Mia. I know that for sure. So I’ll do whatever she wants to keep my girl and our child.

  “Hey, this is not your fault. It takes two to make a baby. You didn’t get yourself knocked up, pretty sure I helped with that part.”

  “I know, but I still feel like this all got so screwed up.”

  I want to demand that we get married, that she let me make an honest woman of her. All of my church lessons pound my brain, saying she can’t be an unwed mother, but Mia hasn’t even told me she loves me yet. So marriage is out of the question. I know she’ll explode if I even suggest it. She looks over my face, trying to get a read on me.

  Endless blue tear-filled eyes find mine. “What are you thinking, Brooks?”

  “Everything in my gut is screaming, let’s get married tomorrow, but I won’t ask. You don’t love me, and you’re not ready, so it would be pointless to even suggest such a thing.”

  Mia removes her hands from my grip, and time slams to a halt. She slowly inches away from me on the couch. I know in an instant I’d fucked up. That wasn’t the right thing to say, but it’s true. She wouldn’t say yes to me. “What, so I’m not even worthy of a simple wedding proposal because I went and got myself knocked up? Is that what you’re saying?”

  “Shit, no. That came out all sorts of wrong, Mia. I love you. I would marry you in an instant. When I marry you, I want you to know that it’s not because I knocked you up. Marrying me is not dependent on having a child together. I want you forever. Always. So when I ask you to marry me, Mia, you’re going to know I’m all in. Talking about forever.”

  “Well, isn’t that romantic. You’re right, Brooks, I wouldn’t have said yes, but at least I would’ve had the chance to voice my opinion on it before you just shut it down without even asking me first. You made the decision for me.”

  I furrow my eyebrows. “You can’t even tell me you love me, Mia. You don’t want us to be labeled. Any time the word boyfriend is mentioned, you lash out. What are we doing, Mia? Am I just your fuck toy when I’m convenient? You’re close to me in the apartment, but outside of it, I’m just a roommate. Shred that inner badass and let me in a little. You either want this, or you don’t. I won’t be your fucking secret, Mia. I won’t let you do that to me.”

  She shoves off the couch and stands up, pointing at me, a tear slipping down her cheek again. “I don’t believe in love. You know that.”

  I scoff, “It’s not love that holds you back. No. It’s the fear that you’re going to let someone in and give them your heart and they’re going to destroy it. Well, you don’t have to worry about that with me, Mia. You want to know why? Because here’s the fucking truth, if your heart gets destroyed mine will be shredded on the floor right beside yours.”

  Her shoulders shake with quiet tears. “I’m freaking out, Brooks.”

  “And you think I’m not? I’m terrified.”

  “I’m not ready to be a mother.”

  “Look at me, Mia. I’m not ready to be a father, but we’re in this now. We will figure this out together. Nothing about us has been normal. We went from friends to roommates to a sex bucket list. We’ve both spent so much time running that now we have a reason to stay. A reason other than the fact that I want this with you. Plus, I think you’ll be a great mom.”

  “Great mother, but not wife material?”

  I swallow the bile creeping up my throat. “Just stop, okay? Don’t twist my words. I’m just saying we aren’t ready for that step yet. I want to make you happy, and I thought by not asking I was keeping us from going here, to fighting. I don’t want to fight, Mia. I don’t want us to have regrets either. A forced marriage may make you hate me, and I’m not willing to take the chance.”

  I get up and walk over to where she’s standing, but she steps back her hands on her flat stomach. Reality hits hard when I realize that she’s now growing our child. “Can I hold you, please? I need to feel you in my arms.”

  “I don’t know, Brooks. My heart and head are such a mess right now. Maybe…maybe we need some time apart to think about all of this stuff…”

  A bucket of cold water is dumped over my head. I don’t understand what I did wrong yet again. I keep fucking things up every time I open my mouth. I watch as she walks toward her room.

  I sigh, running a hand through my hair. “I’m here when you want to talk, Mia. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll give you space, but please don’t shut me out from our child. I want to be there for both of you. All I want is the chance to make you happy and be there for you and our child. Please.”

  She nods her head before closing the door to her room. I wait long enough for the door to click, signaling she’s in for the night before doubling over.

  What the hell had I done? My hands slip through my hair, pulling on the ends. The pain burns, but it keeps me grounded. I want to do what is right, and it’d come out every bit wrong. My heart feels like it’s slowly ripping apart at the seams, and for once, I’m not sure I know the outcome of our situation.

  She’s having my child.

  I want to be there for them. Go to doctor appointments. Get her every food item she craves. Hold her hair while she pukes. Every sacrifice her body makes just so she can give me my own flesh and blood. A child that I can raise with the woman I love. I won’t let her push me away. It doesn’t matter how freaked I am about becoming a parent. I’m still going to get my girl. It may just be a little bit harder now. I don’t care how long it takes.

  The drive to the chalet has flown by. The snow’s coming down lightly, and I still can’t believe that winter’s here already. I’ve heard so many pregnant women say that the time to get pregnant is during the winter versus the summer because it’s always so hot. Huh, one thing to be happy about…

&n
bsp; I stomp the snow off my shoes and ring the doorbell. Looking through the window, it looks like everything I pictured it would the first time Macy described it. She invited me up this week when I texted her after the fight with Brooks. Her in-laws are at their weekday home in the city, and I need her advice. Zara’s great, but there’s only so much she can give me, given that she isn’t in a relationship.

  My eyes are probably red from crying the last day. My nose is running, and I have the sniffles. I’ve been avoiding Brooks. I know his schedule, so it’s easy to be gone when he’s at the apartment. I should be so happy.

  Finding out I’m pregnant is supposed to be one of the happiest days of a woman’s life, and here I am, freezing my ass off, running away from all my problems. The door opens, and I’m greeted with her smile. My eyes get misty, and the emotions are on a roll again. Thank you, pregnancy hormones.

  “Aww, sweet girl. Come in, come in.” Furiously wiping my eyes, I try to hide the tears, but it’s no use. “Let them out, Mia. It’s okay to not be strong all the time.”

  They just keep coming. “Is Trevor here too?” I don’t want him to see me like this right now. Trevor’s nice, but I need Macy. No men. Men are confusing and frustrating.

  “Nope, just you and me, girl.” I walk past her into the foyer.

  Her eyes trail over me, taking in my appearance. “Looks like we need some ice cream, and…”

  “Do you have any dill pickles?”

  She winks. “Got it, grab a seat in the living room, and I’ll be right in, babe. Want anything to drink?”

  “I guess just some juice or water. I can’t drink now that I’m all sorts of knocked up. That’s gonna be an adjustment.”

  “Alrighty, be in soon.”

  I hear her moving around in the kitchen and look at my surroundings to pass the time. I’m trying not to think about Brooks, but every single thought leads back to him.

  Does he miss me?

  What is he doing?

  I left him a note this morning saying that I’m going to see Macy. I don’t want him to worry about us too much.

  Damn, it’s crazy how right she is about this place. It feels exactly like an upscale version of a log cabin. These ceilings are huge, and there’s leather and fur everywhere. I walk over to the photos and see the family pictures from over the years. Young Trevor, to images of him with his parents and Macy at their wedding. I smile because Sadie, their rescue dog, is also in the picture. I wonder how she’s doing.

  At the end of the photos on the table sits a stonework fireplace, and I plant myself in front of it, holding my hands out to warm them from the cold.

  She walks up behind me, and I look over at her. “You weren’t lying. This place is extra for sure. I mean look at all this stuff. Did we walk into a hunting/ski lodge? What’s up with the antler and diamond chandelier?

  Her laugh shocks me. “Yeah, it’s a little much. It’s not how I’d design it, but they like it, and I can come whenever I want, so I can’t really complain.”

  “Cheers to that.”

  “Let’s sit down. So, tell me what happened. You and Brooks got into a fight after you told him you were pregnant?

  “He told me he wouldn’t ask me to marry him because I wasn’t in love with him.”

  “Well, are you in love with him?”

  “I don’t know, Macy. I think so, but I don’t know. My feelings are out of control. These emotions hurt. My heads messed up. Add in what I’m assuming are pregnancy hormones, and I have no luck piecing two thoughts together.”

  “Tell me this. If he walked out the door and never came back how would you feel?”

  “It’d feel like my heart was being physically ripped from my body while I was still breathing.” My admission is not what I expected.

  “Honey, I hate to break it to you, but that sounds an awful lot like love to me.”

  “But I don’t believe in love.”

  “I think you do. Somewhere in there is a girl who believes in love. You did once. You told me so. What Chad did to you in college, sweetie, was horrible, and your father is a bad example of a man too. Are you going to punish Brooks for Chad’s actions or your fathers? Because it doesn’t seem like he has anything in common with either. Has Brooks ever given you an indication that he wasn’t being completely honest about his feelings for you?”

  “No, but still, Macy. It scares me. He told me that night that we weren’t ready for that step in our lives. How does he know we’re ready to be parents? Because that’s happening whether we’re ready or not.”

  “Mia, if he knows anything about you like I do, then I get why he didn’t. I wouldn’t have asked you either. He knew it would scare you shitless. He knew you would run, and what are you doing right now? Running. Proving his point. Give that man a little bit of credit. He knows a lot more about you than he lets on. From everything I’ve heard, I’d say that man is in love with you and just wants to be there for you. He didn’t want a marriage with you based on the fact that he got you knocked up. He sounds honest to me.”

  I sigh. “But I don’t know how to let him in.”

  “Let him earn your trust. Give him little details about you. Form a relationship, a bond. I know how much you like sex, Mia, but there’s more to a relationship than that. Do you even know his favorite color? Where did he go to school? Where was he born? What’s his favorite food? These are all questions you find out as you build a relationship. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither are relationships. They take work and commitment. You have to decide if you’re in it for the long run or not.”

  “His favorite color is blue. He came from a compound in the middle of nowhere. I know those things. It’s just we’re going to always be connected by this little one now, and I don’t want there to be drama over it.”

  She reaches over and rubs my arm as I shove another scoop of ice cream into my face like a fat kid. “Then don’t let there be drama. I think honestly, you’re blowing it a little out of proportion. Have you thought about it from his perspective?”

  I stare at her like she’s speaking a foreign language. “Wait, you agree with him?”

  She puts her hands up in defense. “No, hear me out. I’m just saying that maybe it’s time to give him some slack. Stop acting like he’s going to fuck you over like every other man in your life did and give the guy a chance to prove himself. Maybe he needs a do-over. Obviously, he knows you aren’t ready for commitment, but you said so yourself that he asked to be there for the both of you. Regardless, you need to take a chill pill. All this stress is not good for the baby.”

  I rub my hand over my belly. I still can’t believe it, but she’s right. It’s no longer just about me. It’s me and the little nugget now.

  “Maybe you’re right. It’s entirely possible that I was a little out of line with how I handled things, but it’s a lot to take in. Plus, he’s my main dick and I’m a horny little freak these days. It’s all I think about—ice cream, dill pickles, and Brooks’ dick. It’s seriously becoming a problem.”

  “I’m fairly positive he could help you with that problem if you let him.”

  A tear slides down my cheek. “I guess I just don’t know what to think or how to feel about all of it. I’m confused, and I can’t tell if it’s the pregnancy talking or true feelings I have.”

  “Sweetie, it’s okay to be confused. I’m sure he’ll be making it up to you for a while. Saying he wasn’t going to propose probably wasn’t the best knee jerk reaction, and I’m sure at this point, he knows it. I bet he’ll try and fix this between you two. It seems like he really cares for you.”

  “Yeah… I’m sorry I’m such a basket case. I’m just so messed up.”

  “Mia, it’s expected. You found out you were pregnant, what, two days ago? I think you have a right to be all out of sorts.”

  “Yeah.”

  “So, tell me what else is new? Get your mind off it.”

  “Brooks got me into the Rising Tides Art Gallery for a showing.”
/>   “Wow, that’s amazing. Are you going to do it?”

  “I don’t know…”

  “You need to do this, Mia. Do it for yourself. Don’t do it for him. You’ve kept those paintings locked up for too long and you deserve it.”

  “But…”

  “No. No ifs, ands, or buts. Your art deserves to be seen.”

  “But it is seen. I show it at other galleries.”

  “But those galleries aren’t Rising Tides. You’ve been talking about exhibiting there for years, Mia. Years… So you’re doing it. If I have to come and drag your butt there myself.”

  “Okay, then.”

  “Good. Glad we had that talk. I’d suggest waiting until after the pregnancy if they’ll let you.”

  “Good point. You know, I’ve really missed you, Mace. Maybe next time, it won’t take me getting knocked up and into a fight with Brooks to get you to hang out with me. I mean, I know I don’t have Trevor dick, but still…”

  “I’ve missed you too, girl.”

  I laugh as my conversation with Zara comes back into my head. “Speaking of which, did you know that a blue whale penis is called a dork?”

  “No, I didn’t, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me all about it.” And I do just that. We spend the rest of the day and evening catching up and laughing. We have a light dinner and call it a night. I’ve missed Macy.

  For years we’ve been attached at the hip, and then she’d fallen in love and gotten married, leaving me. I don’t blame her. After Trevor got his head out of his ass, he’d become everything she needed in a man, and I’m so happy for them.

  Thinking about them makes my mind drift back to Brooks. I wonder how his day’s going. I miss him. I can admit it to myself.

  My heart hurts being apart from him. It makes sense after my talk with Macy about why he did what he did, but that doesn’t make it any better. I guess I just need to lay my heart out on the line and hope he doesn’t jigsaw it apart. Although he’d hurt my feelings, I don’t feel any burning desire to walk away from him. In fact, walking away from him would be like a dagger straight to the heart at this point.