Topsy Turvy Kinda Love

by J Marie

He’s not Chad, I remind myself. Taking the stairs, this time seems to be the longest journey of my life. When my feet come to a halt in front of our door, I can’t bring myself to just open it.

  A sob works its way up my throat, and I start to panic thinking maybe I’m worked up and Brooks isn’t even staying here anymore. Maybe he got smart and moved out. I wouldn’t blame him. I would’ve given up on myself a while ago.

  But why would he have asked me to come home if that was the case? I’m still hurt and frustrated over our last talk, but I tamper it down. We need to talk, and I’m going to hope that when I walk through the door he’ll be sitting waiting for me.

  The door opens before I have a chance to grab the knob, and there stands Brooks looking like sex on a stick. A smile crosses his face, but never reaches his eyes. I can see that he hasn’t been sleeping either. His eyes are bloodshot and dark shadows hang in bags below them.

  His look is weary and worried, and I can see myself mirroring the same exact look. My shoulders sag with the unknown weighing them down. I have no idea what he’s thinking. He motions me inside and then has me wrapped in his arms seconds later. “Thank you for coming home to me.”

  “Thank you for giving me some space to figure my shit out, but I’m still mad at you. You hurt me, Brooks.”

  “I know. We need to talk.” I nod and just stand there in his warm embrace. I’ve missed him. His strength. His smell. The way his body wraps around mine when he hugs me. That huge boner between us.

  “Brooks…”

  “I know I can’t help it. He has a mind of his own. I plead the fifth.”

  “Well, you have a lot of making up to do, and I expect the good dick.”

  “When do I not give you good dick, Mia?”

  “Touché, but first. We need to talk about us.”

  He looks down at me pointedly. “Okay, let’s start with how long you’ve been standing outside our front door?”

  I startle and look up at him. “Not that long. I was composing myself.”

  “Why did you have to compose yourself?”

  My shoulders rise with a deep inhale. “Because I just ran, Brooks, like I always do when shit gets hard. Like I’ve been doing since I was a teenager. I start getting emotions, they rampage out of control, and when I can’t shut them down, I bounce. I didn’t want to say anything else I couldn’t take back.”

  “Let me apologize first, Mia. I think everything got completely out of line that night. Things were said that shouldn’t have been said. Emotions were flying high.”

  “Truth, I was thinking that maybe you were gone. Maybe you’d had time to think about it last night and decided that I wasn’t worth all my drama. That you could find another girl to settle down with and have a real relationship. This heart,” I said, pointing at my chest. “Doesn’t work like everyone else’s does. It gets scared. It shuts down and hides.”

  “It’s not a weakness to admit that this scares you, Mia. I think you’re brave for being honest about it. Hell, it scares me too, but I have faith in us. I think we’ll make great parents.”

  “You go straight to talking about the baby again, Brooks. What about us?”

  “I want this, Mia. I want you. I want you like I’ve never wanted anything in my whole entire life. Leaving the compound and moving here was the best damn decision I’ve ever made, and the fact that you’re carrying my child. I’m so fucking lucky, Mia. You’ve made me a father and that’s something I can never ever thank you enough for…This baby is half you and half me. It’s going to be perfect, and I will never take either of you for granted. I’m also terrified that I’ll be a shit dad and that I’ll do something that will hurt you or make you want to run. I had a shit role model, so I’ll figure it out. But I know I can’t lose you. It would break me.”

  “But what if I can’t do this? What if I do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing?”

  “You can do this, I believe in you.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because you are a badass pixie, Mia Preston, and I will be right here beside you the whole entire time. I’m not leaving you.”

  I pull back and cross my arms. “What about the marriage thing? You seemed pretty sure that you didn’t want to ask me.”

  “Mia, I know you aren’t ready for that. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have even brought it up. I would love for you to be my wife someday, but I’m not rushing it. I want us to have a real relationship, to be in love. Not to get married and rush things just because we’re having a baby. I was freaking out. You had just told me you were having my baby. Can I get a free pass just this once?”

  “I guess.”

  “I need to know where you stand on all this, Mia.”

  “What do you want to know? I’m freaked out, wondering if I can even be a mom. If I’ll even be good at it. I had a shit example growing up.”

  “You’re going to be great, and what we don’t know, we’ll learn. I need to know how you feel about me, Mia. I can’t stand not knowing. Where do we stand?”

  I take a long, deep breath. I want to give him the words that have been pounding my brain for the last two days. “I love you,” I whisper it.

  He smiles at me and leans in. “What was that? I’m sorry you kind of whispered it.”

  “I love you, Brooks.”

  “You sure, cause I’m not allowing any take-backs on that one.”

  “I’m sure. We got pedicures yesterday, and the only thing I could think about the whole time was that I wished it was you rubbing my feet. I wished it was you that I was hanging out with. My heart feels lost in a fog when you aren’t here with me. It physically hurt, not knowing where we stood. I never want to feel like that again. I don’t want to lose you either, Brooks.”

  He reaches over and picks me up in a hug—kissing my face. “I.” Kiss. “Love.” Kiss. “You.” Kiss. “So.” Kiss. “Much. I’m going to mess up and do stupid shit, but that will never, ever change how I feel about you. Our love may be kinda topsy turvy, but it’s ours, and no one else will ever have one exactly like ours. We may not be your typical fairytale love. We definitely started out backward, but we won’t have regrets. You can trust me, Mia.”

  “Yes, I want you, Brooks. I want you to hold my hand proudly as you walk down the street. If you feel like walking up to me in the middle of Topsy Turvy and kissing the hell outta me because you feel like it, then I want you to. I want to be brave, to be bold with our love. This whole situation is totally out of the blue and unexpected, but the truth is I don’t want to do it with anyone else. These next nine months may be hell for you. I’ve heard pregnant ladies are the worst sometimes. I’m going to have cravings. I’m going to need dick, and I’m going to need you to step up and handle it. I want a partner in this. I’m growing our child, that’s a miracle. I thought I didn’t believe in love. I thought it was a figment of the imagination, but you’ve shown me that it’s so much more than that.”

  “Wait, can we back up to the you needing dick part of that speech?”

  I slap him lightly on the shoulder. “Think with your head, Brooks, not your dick right now.”

  He fake pouts. “But he was super happy at the prospect of being needed.”

  “I’m sure he is, and I’ve been hella horny, so I’m going to need some tonight, so be ready.”

  “Always ready for you babe, always and forever. You’re mine, and so is that little girl or boy you’re carrying, damnit.”

  I lick my lips, and his eyes watch every second of the moment. I want so badly to jump his bones, but I feel like that would make me seem desperate. No, I need to keep composed for at least another hour. It’s a respectable amount of time to wait. And about all, I could handle. But first…

  “Hey, Brooks. I need to apologize to you.”

  He furrows his brows. “What for?”

  I step into him, hugging him to me tightly. “I rushed into thinking the worst and jumped to conclusions. You’ve never given me any doubt that you love me. You’ve loved me to dea
th. I should have taken a minute to think about things instead of just spouting off. It’s just… I know I’m not easy to love, but you seem to do it so easily.”

  “Oh Mia. You don’t have to apologize.”

  “I do. We both have something to learn from this whole situation, and I think if I tell you a little about my past then you may understand why I act the way I do.”

  “Okay.” He’s quiet, waiting for me to speak.

  “My sophomore year of college, I was dating a guy named Chad. He said all the right things, called himself my boyfriend. The night he told me he loved me, I gave him my virginity. The next day I overheard a conversation between him and his friends…” I take a deep breath, and a single tear slips down my cheek.

  “He explained to them that I was just another virgin on his bedpost. That I’d fallen for every single word that he’d said. They’d laughed about it. About me. Like I was nothing more than just another lay. Like I wasn’t even a human being with feelings.” I peek up at Brooks and notice his jaw’s tight in anger. He pulls me in closer, trying to comfort me. His hands clench in fists at the small of my back.

  “When I confronted him about it a couple days later, he told me I was crazy that he was just shooting the shit with the guys. When he realized that I didn’t believe his lies, he tried to backpedal and tell me that it wasn’t true that he really did love me. It was the day I decided that love wasn’t worth it if it hurt that bad. I thought he really liked me. I fell for every single one of his tricks, and I felt betrayed. Needless to say, several guys walked away from me when they wanted more than I would give them. I just couldn’t let them in, and they hated me for it.”

  “My sweet, beautiful girl. You deserve so much more than any of those jerks could give you, and if I could punch Chad in the face, I would.”

  “I think he’s part of the reason I lashed out. All of my fears with him came back when you said you didn’t want to marry me. My first thought was, oh God, he doesn’t want me either. It’s college all over again. I know you’re different, Brooks, but my past wouldn’t let me see through the fog of it.”

  He presses harder into me, eliminating all the space previously between us. “Now, I understand why you acted out like you did. Dealing with that would be hard for anyone and I’m sorry that you had to go through it. I don’t blame you for running, I just hope you don’t plan on doing it again because I won’t let you.”

  I puff out a breath of air. “I don’t. I promise next time I’ll fight for us. I won’t run. Not again. I’ve missed you so much these last couple of days that any more time apart may just kill me. It was pure torture not being in your arms these last couple of nights. I slept like shit.”

  “I love you, Mia.”

  I sniffle. “I was so worried that you wouldn’t want me. That was the only thing I kept thinking about the whole way here. That’s what made me hesitate. I didn’t want to know that you were done with me. With us. I didn’t want to see the empty spaces where your stuff used to lie just yet.”

  “You don’t ever have to worry about that, Mia. You’re not getting away again. I’ll pull you back from the brink every time.”

  “I love you, Brooks.”

  “Say it again, Pixie.”

  “I. Love. You. Brooks Jansen.”

  He leans down to my flat stomach and talks to our child. “I love you too, little one. I don’t know if you can hear me yet or not, but know you’re loved. Your parents may not have all their sh-crap together, but we’ll do our best by you.” He lifts my sweatshirt slightly and presses a small kiss to my stomach, and my heart literally skips a beat, and guess what? I didn’t die! It does exist! There, I said what I said!

  I reach up and cup his jaw. “I can’t believe we’re having a baby.”

  He leans down, brushing his nose against mine. “I’m so happy.”

  “Really?”

  “Of course, how could I not be?”

  I lift up, pressing my lips against his lightly, testing the waters. He kisses me back with a fevered passion, and I can’t help but get lost in his lips. He licks the seam of my lips and I open immediately, loving the feel of his tongue wrapping against mine like two lost souls reminding one another of what they once were to one another. Each kiss burns into me, memory after memory. He grabs my ass, lifting me up, and I wrap my legs around his waist. It’s been two long ass days without him, and I’m grinding up against him like a cat in heat.

  I pull away from him. “Brooks, I’m feeling dirty. I think I need a shower. How would you feel about checking off another on our sex bucket list?”

  He whispers into my mouth, “Won’t last that long. Need you now.” He walks over, pulling the blanket and pillows down from the couch, laying me on top of it on the floor. He leans over me, starting to kiss me, pulling one side of my leggings down and off and then ripping the hem of my thong at the hip. I start to huff when he cuts me off. “I’ll buy you a new one, don’t complain.”

  “No complaining here, it’s hot when you go all growly alpha on me.”

  He makes quick work of grabbing his pants and shoving them down just far enough to get his massively hard cock out. He slips past my entrance with one thrust, not even making sure I’m ready, but I am. Always ready and wanton for him. Consumed with a need that only he can fulfill. There’s a tiny tinge of pain, and then pleasure fills my core.

  He kisses my lips, nibbling on his journey down my neck. Pulling my sweatshirt up halfway, I lean up so he can slip it over my head. His lips go back to my chest and continue on their way, pulling one breast into his mouth while his hand works the other.

  It’s a sensation overload and everything I need at that moment. He slips his hands down my sides and over my stomach, coming to rest on my mound. His thumb slides down, rubbing circles around my nub, and tingles erupt. I’m about to lose it. I moan again as he leans up to capture it with his mouth. “Yes, Brooks. God, yes. I’ve fucking missed this cock.”

  “Mmm… you like that baby?”

  “More. I need more.”

  “Not gonna last much longer, Mia.” Oh Lord, everything inside me is crashing hard. My orgasm rushes down my body like a crashing sea wave, and it can happily carry me away with the tide.

  “I can’t Mi-” He doesn’t even finish my name on his lips before his orgasm crashes into my core. Two hearts mending, becoming one. We need each other like taking the next breath. There’s a lot to learn about love and life, but in this very second, I’m happy. Changed. I’m a believer in love, in Brooks’ love.

  We’re going to be parents, and I’m sure along the way we’re going to shit the bed with it, but it’s worth trying because I don’t want to give him up.

  The appointment has been scheduled for the past two weeks, and my nerves are on a see-saw these days. Shortly after peeing on all those sticks, we’d gone to the doctor who confirmed with a blood test that I definitely was cooking a bun in the oven.

  I hated needles; it’s probably why I stopped at one tattoo on my thigh when I went through my badass goth girl phase. Not that I’ve left that phase, but maybe a little growing up and becoming a little more normal is due. Through all of this, I have Brooks to thank.

  He’s there every time I wake up to pray to the porcelain god, which I’ve started calling Tiffany, every time I want food, the multiple times I just need him in the middle of the night when I rub against him so frantically just to get rid of the ache. I’m constantly horny, I know it’s shocking. So freaking horny all the time, well, except when I’m puking.

  We’ve been sitting in the waiting room for fifteen minutes now, and I’ve got ants in my pants. My knee bounces up and down with the beat of the music playing softly overhead. Every woman or couple that walks through that door looks like they would make amazing parents. They’re dressed in normal clothes and have normal hair colors.

  These couples look like they genuinely have their shit together, and then there’s me. Pink, purple, and blue hair in my black clothing and combat boots. D
efinitely winning every single creepy mom award. A hand squeezes my knee lightly to stop it from bouncing. My eyes find Brooks, and a smile crosses his perfect lips. A smile just for me, dimples showing.

  “Hey, get out of your head. It’s going to be just fine, Pixie.”

  “I know… I’m just…”

  He leans over and kisses my forehead, resting there for a minute longer than necessary. “I know… me too. It’s going to be okay, though. Everything is going to be fine. Just a little bit longer before we get to see our little miracle in there.” His hand reaches over and rubs my still flat tummy. I love it when his big palm covers me. The amount of love he shows in one simple gesture overwhelms my hormones and I get sappy eyed.

  The door opens, and we all look up, waiting to be the next name called. “Mia Preston.” I sit there for longer than I need to. Brooks slowly gets up, offering me his hand.

  “It’s your turn, my pixie girl. You ready to see our baby?”

  Tears form in my eyes and I resist crying. For once in the last few weeks, it’s a grateful feeling to be able to control that one simple instance. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

  He smiles at me, and I give him my best mean face. “Don’t you dare laugh at me, Brooks Jansen. You’re the reason I’m in this position.”

  Leaning over, he whispers in my ear, “I like when my little badass shows emotions, and I can’t wait to practice that position more when we get home, now get your cute little ass over there.” He pinches my butt, and I stick out my tongue at him.

  A short huff and I walk toward the medical assistant, but a smile forms on my face anyhow. I can’t help it. I’m fucking over the moon happy… until she tells me to get on the scale. I know the inevitable weight gain is coming, and I mourn my sexy figure.

  Twenty minutes later, my feet are secure in those terrible stirrup contraptions. I’m scooted to the very end of the bed, where I’m sure every single part of my hoohah and ass is hanging out. I can feel a damn breeze. Brooks sneaks a peek or two and then waggles his eyebrows at me. I narrow mine in return. He’s so mature—the father of my child, everyone.