Then I woke up. Nauseous. So sick to my stomach that I couldn’t sit up for at least fifteen minutes and even then, I rolled off the bed and crawled to the bathroom with a sense of urgency I’d never experienced before. It was urgent as hell because I barely made it to the toilet before my stomach turned on me, spilling every drop of food, water and bile within me until I was wrung dry.
Then the greedy bitch demanded more even when I had no more to give. I sat on the cool tiled floor of the bathroom, letting my sweaty body go down a few degrees until eventually I fell asleep. Again. Then I woke up feeling sicker than ever and I began to worry, so I did what any self-respecting adult would. I called my mom.
Not even ten minutes after I called her, Mom was there. Fussing over me. It was just what I needed. “Oh baby, what’s the matter?” She got on her knees in my bathroom and held my face in her hands, her light blue eyes filled with worry. “Talk to me, Audrey. Please.”
I didn’t know how to tell her the truth, that I was knocked up and couldn’t tell her who the father was. That despite her love and nurturing and all of her hard work, I was nothing more than my bio mother’s daughter after all. “I think…I think I need to go to the hospital, Mom.”
Her blue eyes rounded in surprise but after a long pause she gave a sharp nod and stood before disappearing into my bedroom. “You need clothes. Can you stand on your own or do you need my help?”
My lips twitched. “I can stand, Mom.” It was slow going since my stomach lurched every damn time I moved but eventually I was able to brush my teeth and wash off the makeup I fell asleep wearing before running a few wet hands through my hair. “Good enough,” I mumbled to myself and went to my room where Mom sat on the bed with clothes laid out for me. “Thanks.”
“I made you some ginger mint tea, too. For the road of course.”
“Of course,” I smiled. “You’re the best, Mom. Thanks.” She stayed silent while I sipped the tea between slipping on jeans and an oversized sweater, along with my favorite sneakers. She didn’t say a word when we got loaded into the car with a few snacks. “Not in Tulip,” I explained and went around to the passenger seat.
I knew it was just a matter of time and about ten minutes into the drive, Mom started the interrogation. “This isn’t just the flu, is it?”
I could lie, but the time for that was over. Walker wasn’t an option and I needed someone. “No, it’s not. I’m pregnant.” I held my breath for I don’t know how long, waiting for her to tell me how disappointed she was or to grill me about the identity of the father.
“Okay, so I see why you don’t want to go to the local hospital.”
“I just don’t want all of Tulip all up in my business, Mom, and you know if we go there everyone will know before I’m back home and in bed.” This town loved its gossip and no one was exempt. Ever.
“What does Walker have to say about this?” She was a crafty old lady, asking the question in a way designed to get me answer emotionally.
I had to weigh my options carefully but quickly, knowing she would pounce if I waited too long. “I haven’t told anyone but you, least of all him.” That was a careful non-denial because I tried like hell not to lie to my Mom and she gave me as much space as her meddling little heart would allow.
She nodded slowly, eyes on the dark road because the sun hadn’t even began her ascent yet, taking a long time to think about what she wanted to say. Mom was always careful like that, making sure she didn’t say the wrong thing or offer up the wrong advice. “Whatever sins he has committed, and I’m sure they are plentiful, but whatever they are, you still have to tell him. Even the devil needs to know he has kin in the world.”
I didn’t bother telling her that it was pointless to tell him, that it would be an exercise in futility because he didn’t want me and he had a political future to think about. She would reject the idea out of hand and I didn’t want to shatter her illusions about the man, the way mine had been. She deserved to see him in the best possible light and I wouldn’t be the one to take that from her. But I also couldn’t confirm her suspicions so, I pulled out my phone and checked my email.
“You can’t bury everything with your work, Audrey.”
My eyes were squeezed shut to stave off another round of nausea and I groaned. “We’ll see about that, won’t we?” A small gasp escaped at the next email. “Mom, an agent in Dallas is interested in my graphic novel!” It was a small sliver of hope but it was all I had.
“That’s great, sweetheart. What novel?” I spent the next half hour filling her in on the details of the story before I realized we were off the beaten path.
“Mom? Where are we going?”
She shrugged innocently. “Figured we could kill two birds, get you to the hospital and maybe even meeting with that agent before we head back to Tulip, with one stone. Or one trip as it turns out.”
That’s what we did, made the drive to Dallas where we stopped first at the hospital, where we did more waiting than talking with the doctor, and then at the nearest mall to pick up a few essentials. “I can’t believe they said it was normal. How is that much retching normal for anyone?”
Mom laughed and tossed a pair of jeans over her arm. “You sound upset that you’re not sick as hell, honey. Gratitude,” she sang the last word the same way she always did when one of us needed a reminder to be grateful for the little things.
“Not upset, just shocked. Something that terrible shouldn’t ever be described as normal. But drinking all the water the doctor prescribed means my skin will be glowing.”
“Oh, like you need it. You’ve been glowing for months now, I just didn’t want to pry.”
“Good because there’s nothing to pry into, Mom. Nothing at all.”
“What do you think of this, isn’t it just the most precious thing in the whole wide world?” She wore the swooniest look I’d ever seen as she held up a cute infant sized dress decorated with sunflowers. And layers of tulle. It was precious.
“It’s great, Mom, but maybe a little too soon?” Even if I couldn’t have Walker and even if he didn’t want the baby, I did and I had been doing my homework.
“Who knows if they’ll have this again, I’ll pick it up now. Just in case.” She smiled and I shook my head, knowing it was pointless to try and stop her. “I’m just excited about finally getting to be a grandma. With the way your brothers shares his favors with everyone and you just shut yourself in your house, I was worried it would never happen.”
“Okay, Drama Queen.”
“Am not,” she insisted as we made our way—finally—to the cashier.
“And I’m no where near old enough for you to worry about things like that. As it is, I’m wondering if this is all part of your matchmaking attempt.”
She blushed and shook her head. “I promised you I wouldn’t and I haven’t.” My shoulders fell in relief. Temporarily. “But a baby changes things, doesn’t it?”
Babies changed a lot of things, mostly for the better, but matchmaking was not something I could handle right now. “No, Mom, it doesn’t.”
Our gazes collided, hers looking hurt but resigned and mine firm and filled with pain. “I’m sorry, it’s just, you’ve made me so happy Audrey. I just wish you were getting everything you deserve too.”
“That’s what I love about you, your uncanny ability to see the good in every person and situation. But I think I’m getting exactly what I deserve.” A family was what I’d always wanted and Mom had given me that. Now my family was just getting bigger. “How many people can say they have a job they love and the means to support a child on their own? Not many, plus I have an excellent support system.” Even Will would be a doting uncle once he got over his butt hurt. If I decided to tell him the truth, which I hadn’t. Not yet, anyway.
“Don’t forget you’ve got the world’s best grandma in your corner and I’ve been training for decades.” We shared a laugh and made our way to one of the restaurants in the mall for lunch, and as I spent time with my ow
n mother, who’d made me feel nothing less than safe and secure and loved, I had a feeling that things were working out the way they had to.
The way they were meant to.
And I was fine with that.
Mostly.
Walker
Where in the hell is she? Audrey had been gone for three days. Some time after the dance but before the sun rose, she’d snuck off and out of Tulip and I hadn’t heard a damn word from her. Not a call or a text message or even a damn email. I would have even accepted a message from Hope telling me where to stick it, because at least then I’d know she was all right.
That she was thinking of me, even if it was bad thoughts.
But between the worry there was also anger. Lots and lots of anger that Audrey had run away. Again. The only reason I wasn’t in my car tracking her down was because I knew Helen was with her, she’d been my second stop after finding Audrey’s house empty and dark. That meant she’d be back. At least temporarily.
The sound of my best friend’s heavy footfalls broke through my train of thought about ten seconds before he dropped a six pack on my coffee table. “Ma’s being tight lipped about where they are and what they’ve been up to so I know something’s up, but she won’t say what. All she would say was that they were coming home some time today.”
I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding at Will’s news and looked up at his knowing, smug grin. “And you’re telling me this because?”
He shrugged and twisted the cap off his beer bottle. “Just in case you were lying about there being nothing going on between you and my sister.”
I took a long pull from my beer and sighed as I settled my gaze on his, my best friend and my brother. “I was lying.”
His gray eyes went round and wide like saucers, ebony hair still standing up in all directions as proof he was just as worried as I was about Audrey. “Shit, I didn’t expect you to admit it. Keep talking.” His tone was firm and his gaze ominous but I wasn’t worried. Not yet, I wasn’t.
“At first it was nothing.” He glared at the admission and I rushed to explain. “It was nothing serious at first and even when it started to get serious, I didn’t realize it. Maybe I was just lying to myself. Hell, I really don’t know anymore.”
“When you say nothing,” Will began and crossed his arms, an intimidating glare on his face that was nothing compared to the fear I felt about what might—or might not—happen between me and Audrey.
I nodded, resigned to this interrogation since there was nothing else I could do anyway. “I mean it was just sex.” I told him about meeting up a year ago and how it had scared the hell out of me. “I didn’t handle it well and, and things were kind of a mess. Until they weren’t.”
“Just tell me right now, Walker, in no uncertain terms, who’s fault is this mess? Honestly.”
“Hell if I know. I’m inclined to thine she heard our conversation at the dance and took off, but it doesn’t make sense,” I told him and raked two frustrated hands through my hair, not giving a damn that I looked like a crazy person.
“Christ, why Walker? Don’t make me pull every damn detail from you like this.”
My lips twitched at his frustration and that was better than worrying. “You’re no better than the gossips all over town.”
He growled at me and I burst out laughing. “Talk. Or else.”
I arched a brow at him. “Last time we fought, you walked away with bruised rips and your eye swollen shut.”
Will grinned. “I don’t spend all day sitting behind a desk these days.”
It was a good point but I could take him if I had to. “She’s been telling me for weeks, maybe months that we’re all wrong for each other. If she believes that, the lies I told to you shouldn’t have bothered her.”
Will’s gray eyes widened in a look that said he thought I was an idiot. “Maybe it’s that stupid fucking list of yours that has her so convinced.” He shook his head, making sure there was no mistake about how he felt about my list.
“It’s not stupid,” I insisted. “And it turns out she was wrong and so was I.”
“Yeah? This I gotta hear,” he said and reached for another beer, twisting the cap off and putting his big damn feet on my coffee table. Right beside the now dwindling six pack.
“Turns out she meets quite a few of the criteria and the ones she doesn’t, well it turns out they don’t matter as much as I thought they did.” It felt good to say that aloud to someone other than myself. Even if Will wasn’t the most receptive audience.
“All I hear you saying is that you agree that the list was stupid.”
“Misguided, maybe,” I conceded. “But I was desperate after Lissa and I imploded, to make sure I found somebody I was more compatible with.”
“And you chose Audrey, the most difficult female on the whole planet Earth? Good luck with that.” His smile was good natured but it quickly sobered, turning dark and serious. “Just don’t hurt my sister. Again.” The threat, to our friendship and my person, came through loud and clear.
“I won’t, man. I swear. I just want to love her.”
“Ugh,” he shivered and trembled visibly. “That’s my sister you’re talking about.”
We shared another laugh and cracked open more beer as Will helped me plan how to win his sister back.
Audrey
“This was a good trip, Mom. Thanks for coming with me.” We were about a block away from my little house, with three long days away from Tulip and away from Walker.
“No thanks necessary, honey. I enjoyed getting three full days mother-daughter time. And shopping. Can’t discount the therapeutic nature of shopping.” Mom leaned her head back, a satisfied expression on her face that said she’d enjoyed our impromptu getaway. “And I’m happy to see that your still call your mom in an emergency.”
I smiled at her and dropped a hand over hers on the steering wheel with a sigh. “Who else would I call?”
“Walker,” she said simply and I groaned.
“Mom, that’s not gonna happen.” We’d been over this time and time again over the past few days.
“No, I’m saying Walker is up ahead. Waiting for you.”
Her words stole my breath and when I turned to follow the line of her gaze, a string of curse words tumbled out of my mouth. “Great.” It was anything but great and I wasn’t in the mood for company of any kind.
“Perfect time as any to have that talk, don’tcha think?”
“No I don’t think, Mom. Tell me you didn’t orchestrate this.” I wouldn’t put it past her for even a second.
“You said you weren’t ready and I respect that,” she said easily.
“Even if you think its wrong?” She hadn’t exactly kept her feelings on the matter a secret.
“I think a man has a right to know he’s helped create a life.”
That just pissed me off and when Mom threw the gear shift into park, I turned to her. “How about I get a chance to come to terms with it before I have the whole damn world weighing in on what I should do?” That’s what it came down to, at the end of the day. I hadn’t even gotten used to the idea of being pregnant, of having a baby and raising it on my own, but now I was expected to think of Walker’s feelings first.
She sighed. “You’re right, honey. I’m sorry. I just know how much you love him.”
“I used to love him, Mom. Not anymore.” She sent me a skeptical glance and I conceded a little. “I may have thought I still loved him but I don’t. Walker has very specific plans for his life and he’s made it painfully clear that I don’t fit in with those plans.”
“Honey, men say-,”
“No.” I shook my head, refusing to let any encouraging words she might say, settled into my brain or heart. That’s how hope sprung up and screwed up your life for good. “I’m done hoping or wishing for any of that. I have more important stuff to worry about. I’ll tell Walker when I’m ready and not a moment before.” I leaned over and kissed her cheek before stepping out
of the car and grabbing my bags. “Thanks for everything, Mom. I love you.”
“Love you too, sweetheart. Good luck.”
“None necessary,” I told her because it was true. Whatever he’d come to say, it was too little. Too late.
“I’ll make loaded enchiladas tonight just in case you need a shoulder.” Without waiting for a response, Mom beeped her horn and pulled out of my driveway with a smile and a wave for Walker.
I took another approach, climbing the porch with two bags in my hand and bypassing Walker altogether. He wasn’t the only one who could simply pretend someone didn’t exist. I slid the key into the lock and pushed the door open, stepping inside the welcoming darkness with a small smile. Coming home always felt nice, no matter the circumstances.
“I haven’t heard from you in three days.”
That was his greeting? “And? I don’t owe you a phone call or details on my whereabouts.” Not that he’d ever given a damn before.
“I know you don’t,” he said, voice heavy with resignation and disappointment. “But I was worried.”
I smacked the outlet on the wall beside me, drenching us in light. “I don’t need or anyone else to worry about me, Walker. I’m more than capable of taking care of myself.”
“I know that too. Dammit, Audrey, I was worried about you, that something had happened to you. Don’t you get that?” He took a few steps closer to me and I backed up until the whole living room stood between us.
I turned to face him, to see the anger and frustration as it dripped from his broad shoulders, and I did get it. Now. But it didn’t change anything. “That’s your problem, not mine.”
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