Sincerely, Yours

by G. , Whitney

  I stared blankly at her.

  “Ari?” She asked, looking confused. “Ari, why are you looking like that? Can you hear me?”

  “Yes … Yes, I can hear you.”

  “Okay, then.” She smiled again. “Well, how are you? How’s France? How are you holding up without Gayle’s and having your BFF around all the time?”

  I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

  “I slept with Carter …” I burst into tears and my chest heaved up and down. “I slept with him damn near every day after the EPIC party …”

  Her jaw dropped.

  “I didn’t think it was ‘just sex’ though,” I continued, feeling the tears fall nonstop. “I thought I was falling in love with him because I thought ... I thought he was …” My next words came out muddled and I shook my head. “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I can’t even think straight anymore.”

  “It took so much out of me to finally tell him that I was in love with him, and I honestly thought he would say that he loved me back. But he said, ‘I love you, but not in that way’. He said that, in his eyes, we were just friends. That the sex didn’t mean anything more …”

  Nicole looked completely shocked, dumbfounded, and I didn’t stop talking. I couldn’t.

  “I’ve been crying every day since I got here, Nicole. Every. Fucking. Day. On the one hand, I’ve cried because of the situation, because it hurts not to be loved back. But on the other, it’s because I really, really want to talk to him, you know?”

  “Awww, Ari.”

  “I want to tell him about the stuff I’ve seen, tell him he should come up, so I can give him a tour of what little I know and …” I wiped my face on my sleeve. “But I can’t just be his friend anymore, not right now anyway. I can’t talk to him like we used to because I don’t want him thinking I’m okay. I am NOT okay, and I will not pretend like I am.”

  Nicole was silent for a long time—her eyes meeting mine, waiting for me to give her a look that said it was okay for her to speak.

  “Ari, I’m so sorry.” She paused. “Actually, before I address any of what you just said, I want to apologize to you for something I did.”

  I raised my eyebrow, confused.

  “It hit me last week when your phone kept going to voicemail or when you hadn’t answered in a long time, that I was a terrible friend to you. I was too busy chasing guys that never lasted for more than a few nights at a time, instead of being there for you. I was in the middle of sending you an email that said all of this stuff tonight, but I really do want to do better now and in the future.”

  “Thank you.”

  “As far as Carter,” she said. “I need to get to the most important question out of the way.”

  “What question is that?”

  “How big is his cock?” She asked, deadpan, and I laughed for the first time in what felt like forever.

  “It’s big. Huge, actually.”

  “I knew it.” She fanned herself and bit her lip. “Lucky you. Anyway, you don’t have to talk to him until you’re ready. He’ll just have to understand. Whenever you do talk to him, though, you have to be honest and tell him everything and how he made you feel. You have to also be willing to accept that you two may not be able to be friends again. At least, not for a while.”

  “Yeah.” My heart ached at the very thought. “That’s what hurts the most to think about.”

  “If it makes you feel any better, I ran into him last weekend at a party and he looked absolutely miserable.”

  “Why do you think that would make me feel better?”

  “I just thought it would.” She shrugged. “He barely spoke to anyone and whenever a girl tried to dance with him, he walked away. Hell, when I told my friend that I was going to go talk to him, she told me to brace myself to be ignored or told to fuck off … He may actually feel the same way you do, and I’m willing to bet that he probably does love you in that way …”

  “If he did, wouldn’t he tell me? Wouldn’t he write it in one of his letters, since I’m currently avoiding his calls and emails?”

  “Maybe.” She shrugged. “Or maybe, just maybe, he’s just as stubborn as you are. You are best friends for a reason.”

  “We were best friends for a reason. I hate him now.”

  “Ha!” She tilted her head to the side, laughing. “I’m sorry for laughing, but … Whether you talk to him this year or next year, it won’t change the fact that you love him. You could never truly hate him.”

  “That’s not true. You should’ve seen us in fourth grade.”

  “Is that so?” She was still laughing. “Something tells me you might’ve loved each other even then.”

  I shook my head, but I couldn’t help but laugh with her.

  Feeling slightly better, I steered the conversation away from Carter and asked about her life—attempting to pick up where we left off before.

  She told me she was taking time off to study for the GMAT, so she could go to grad school next year, and that she hadn’t had a date in a while and was surprisingly enjoying the “studious life.”

  When we were done laughing about the sexual disaster that led to her hiatus, she promised to call me next week and we hung up.

  I logged off of Skype and smiled. Shutting my laptop, I leaned over to turn off my lamp, but my roommate walked into my room and hit the main light switch.

  “Okay so,” she said. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I overheard most of your conversation with your friend from back home, and I think I actually like you now. You’re not a bitch at all.” She raised two coffee mugs. “Tea?”

  Track 25. Come Back … Be Here (2:58)

  Carter

  I refreshed my email inbox again and again, hoping for a reply, knowing there wouldn’t be one.

  I was sitting in a booth at The Book Bar, pretending to listen to my much older cousin, Sam. He was the only person in my shattered family that I talked to every now and then. He’d been there when I lost my father, when my mom walked away, and he’d made sure to come visit me at least twice a year, no matter how hectic his schedule was.

  We’d been sitting in our booth for over an hour, though, and the only thing I’d paid attention to was our first hello. Everything after that was a blur.

  “Carter?” He waved his hand in front of my face, getting my attention. “Are you in there? Are you listening?”

  “Barely. My apologies. What were you saying?”

  “Nothing.” He shook his head. “But now that I have your attention, I think you need to get laid. How long has it been?”

  “Who knows? Every day seems to be blending together these days.”

  “I warned you about law school, told you it was a kill-joy.”

  “Aren’t you a lawyer?”

  “We’re all lawyers.” He laughed. “I’m sure your dad is proud and looking down on you from above. He’s probably beating his chest and yelling, ‘That’s my boy! The James’ pride! The James’ blood!’”

  “My dad was so full of shit sometimes.”

  “He was.” He sipped his beer. “What’s the real reason you’re looking like ass though? Usually when I come to see you, we go out and party. We haven’t done shit so far, but hang out on the beach and drink.”

  “That sounds so unfortunate.”

  “It is for someone like you. What’s up? Please don’t make me guess.”

  “You can try if you like.”

  “Okay, cool.” He ordered another round of beers. “You don’t really want to be a lawyer. You want to backpack across the world and shoot exotic porn for a living?”

  “What? No, law school is fine. I’m flying straight through it.”

  “Just checking.” He laughed. “Okay, no wait. I’ve got it. Another girl dumped you for being an asshole?”

  “Shockingly, no.”

  “Okay then. Another girl dumped you for talking to Arizona too much?”

  My jaw clenched at the sound of Ari’s name.

  “Again, Carter?” He s
hook his head. “How many times are you going to keep making that mistake? The two of you really do talk way too much.”

  “That’s not it.” I signaled to the bartender for another drink.

  “Well, if that’s not it …What is it?”

  “You said you were guessing.”

  “Right, um. I don’t know, man. What, is Arizona mad at you about something?”

  I nodded.

  “Okay, so?” He laughed. “It’s Arizona. She’ll get over whatever it is, eventually, I’m sure. It’s not like you slept with her.”

  I said nothing.

  His eyes met mine and he damn near choked on his beer. “Holy shit. You had sex with Ari?”

  I didn’t answer.

  “You slept together, didn’t you? Didn’t you?”

  “You do realize that you’re asking the same exact question back to back, correct?”

  “It’s a habit of a courtroom lawyer.” He slid me one of his beers and opened a new tab. “Anyway, when did this happen? Like, when did it start?”

  “A few months ago.”

  “Hmmm.” He shook his head. “Well, I honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but … I’m only surprised that it took you two this long to do it.”

  I glared at him. “You’re not helping.”

  “I’m not here to help. I’m here to use you as a wingman and have fun. You’re not helping with that.”

  I raised my hand for another drink.

  “Did you two only have sex once?” he asked.

  “More than once,” I said. Way more than once.

  “There were no ‘I finally see the light’ or ‘I love yous’ at the end?”

  “No …”

  “Why not?” He sipped his beer.

  “I had my reasons.”

  “Your reasons? Please. If it were anyone else, I might be able to swallow that. But you two?” He shook his head. “You’re both too stupid to realize that you’ve been in love with each other your entire lives.”

  I gave him a blank stare.

  “You don’t believe me?” he asked.

  “I don’t have to. I’m pretty sure if I was in love with her for my entire life, I would’ve never dated anyone else.”

  “One,” he said, counting off on his fingers. “In sixth grade, she threw a birthday party and you were the only one who came.”

  “So?”

  “So, for your birthday party, you only invited her to get back at all the people who dissed her the year before. You even gave her the invitation in front of everyone at school, including your ‘first-kiss’ girlfriend.”

  “I was just being a good friend.”

  “Two, you can’t last in any relationship because you subconsciously compare every woman you date to Ari, even when you know you’ll never be completely open with them, if they do measure up.”

  “I have an unfortunate tendency to pick bat-shit crazy women. I never compare them to Ari.”

  “Three, if she calls you, you answer immediately and then you go running to wherever she is, if she asks you to.”

  “Any best friend would do that.”

  “In the middle of a date? Or right after sex with his girlfriend?” He crossed his arms. “I don’t think so.”

  I said nothing.

  “That’s what I thought. Now that you’re somewhat accepting of the truth, do you want the most obvious fucking reason that you’re in love with Arizona and always have been?”

  “Not really.”

  He grabbed my arm and pointed to the small State of Arizona-shaped tattoo. “Any reason why you’ve never covered that or etched over it like any of your other ones? There’s no sign or remnant of those old ‘Carter and Jane’ or ‘Rose forever’ tattoos anymore.”

  “It’s become a drunken memory. It makes for a good story.”

  “For who, Carter? No future wife or girlfriend is going to think that’s a good story and you fucking know it.”

  I shrugged. “None of my previous girlfriends have ever complained to me about it before.”

  “That’s because none of your previous girlfriends were ever smart enough to know all the states that make up America. They’d probably be shocked to know that there was one called Arizona in the first place.”

  I tried to think of a rebuttal, but I couldn’t find one.

  “You know what? Let’s get out of here …” He actually sounded sympathetic. “You’ve got it bad, and I’m going to need a better wingman while I’m on this trip. Pussy whipped and love-sick Carter is not going to help me at all.”

  Track 26. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together (3:53)

  Carter

  More weeks passed and the beach’s bipolar autumn—warm temperatures one day, unbearable rainfall the next, passed without incident. Without Arizona.

  According to what her mom had told me, she didn’t think it made much sense for her to spend over a thousand dollars on a plane ticket to come home for fall break. I didn’t get a chance to offer to foot the bill because I was too engrossed in the hectic insanity of law school and I couldn’t catch a break to save my life.

  Everyone in my program operated on a cutthroat level and had already developed close knit study groups, so it left me with a lone study partner. Erica.

  She was just as enthusiastic about the law as me. She’d scored a 180 on the LSAT as well, and her dad had influenced her into the career field, too.

  “Hey. Do you want to split up the justice chapters again?” She tossed a few gummy bears in my direction. “Or maybe you just want to stare into space for a few more hours.”

  “We can split them up,” I stood up and walked into my kitchen. “You want more coffee?”

  “Yes, please.”

  I pulled out two mugs—noticing a new Post-It from Josh on the cabinet door: “There’s absolutely no reason why you still haven’t fucked Erica yet. That’s the best way to get over Ari … Just do it.”

  I crumpled the note and threw it away.

  “Can I ask you something, Carter?” Erica sat up on the couch.

  “Anything.”

  “Are you dating someone?”

  “I think you would know by now if I was. Don’t you?”

  “Not necessarily …” She blushed. “I mean, we do spend a lot of time together, but you always slip away for hours at a time on the weekends.”

  “To complete my internship hours.” I smiled. “I’m pretty sure you do the same thing on the weekends.”

  “Oh, right …” she said and then, as I placed the coffee in front of her, she cleared her throat. “Would you like to go out sometime? Like, as friends? Nothing more than friends?”

  I hesitated, finally looking her over and paying attention to her features. She was pretty—auburn colored hair, bright blue eyes, and if it weren’t for a certain someone, I would’ve once considered her one of the most beautiful women I’d ever met. “Sure.”

  “Great! This weekend all of the first years are going to dinner and a movie downtown. Is that cool with you?”

  “Perfect … Which chapters do you want me to outline?”

  We worked side by side until nearly midnight, stopping after we’d gone through two more pots of coffee. I helped her put all her things back into her backpack and walked her outside to her car.

  “We got a lot of work done today,” she said, smiling as I held her car door open for her.

  “We did. I’m sure we’ll get the highest scores again, too.”

  “I’m sure …” She hesitated a second, and then she stood on her toes and planted a kiss on my cheek. “See you Saturday, Carter.”

  “See you Saturday …” I forced a smile and waited until she drove off before walking back inside. I was about to collapse on the couch and call it a night, but I spotted a letter on the TV stand. Addressed to me in Arizona’s handwriting.

  I quickly ripped it open and sat on the couch to read:

  Dear Carter,

  Sorry it took me so long to respond to your last letter, but unfortun
ately, not much has changed in my life since we last wrote. (Or spoke …)

  I still hate it here. It’s absolutely beautiful despite the lack of beaches in the part of town I’m in, but that’s about all I can say …

  Anyway, who would’ve thought you would be number one in your class? I mean, I knew you’d do well, but that’s amazing. Good for you. Maybe you can be my lawyer, if I ever open up my own restaurant? (Funny how I’ve never given much thought to that before, but that’d be nice.)

  Also, THANK YOU for sending me even more of those jars of Gayle’s waffle batter. Believe it or not, I’ve used them all and I’ve got my classmates hooked on the crack that is Gayle’s waffles. Well, that’s it for me for now … Let me know how you’re doing and I’ll try to write back faster next time.

  Sincerely,

  Arizona

  Three Months Gone … And More

  Carter

  Dear Arizona,

  I refuse to believe that you’re not checking your emails at all.

  I could maybe understand if you’re reading them and quickly deleting them, but could you at least respond to one of the ones I sent you last week (or at least this letter. At least THIS goddamn letter, so I know that you’re reading what I send you …) whenever you get a chance. I need to talk to you about something important.

  Not much has changed in my life here at home.

  Still in law school.

  Still number one in the class.

  Still missing you. (More than I’ll ever be able to explain.)

  Sincerely,

  Carter

  Dear Arizona,

  I need you to respond. Now.

  Say something ... Anything.

  Sincerely,

  Carter

  Dear Carter,

  Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you enjoyed the holiday! (Please tell Josh I said hello!)

  Sincerely,

  Arizona

  Dear Carter,