by G. , Whitney
“I’ll have the specialty waffle plate.”
“What type of syrup?”
“Regular maple will be great.”
“Okay, then.” She folded her pad and tucked it into her apron. “I’ll bring out some more orange juice and some more napkins. Your orders should be ready pretty soon.”
“Wait a minute.” Sean cleared his throat. “You only took two orders. You didn’t get Arizona’s or Carter’s.”
She gave him a blank stare, furrowing her eyebrow. “Good one. I like your sense of humor.” She walked away.
“Okay.” He looked at me, confused. “Is only taking half of the orders per table a local quirk I’m not understanding?”
“No, um …” I smiled. “I used to come here a whole lot with—”
“Me,” Carter said, interrupting. “And since we always order the same thing, there’s no need to ask for our order.”
Not catching the rudeness in Carter’s tone, Sean smiled at me.
“So, Sean—” Josh tried to salvage the night. “Tell me about yourself. Where are you from?”
I tuned him out and sipped my water, meeting Carter’s gaze.
I didn’t want to admit it, but he looked even sexier now than he did before I left. His jet black hair was cut a little shorter, his lips—even though they were currently pressed together in an angry line, were making butterflies fly around in my chest at the thought of them reconnecting with mine.
I noticed a new tattoo on his forearm, tucked underneath one of his cypress branches, but I didn’t dare ask what it was. I wasn’t going to ask him anything right now.
Our waitress stepped over to the table again, handing out our orders, and as if she could tell something was wrong with Carter, she didn’t bother smiling in his direction. “Let me know if you all need anything. I’ll be around.”
“Can you all excuse me for a minute?” Sean stood up, phone in hand. “This is my mother. I forgot to tell her I landed, so I need to take this.” He planted a swift kiss on my lips and walked outside.
“So, Josh …” I cut into my waffle. “Are you enjoying—”
“Can you please excuse the two of us for a few seconds, Josh?” Carter glared at me, setting down his knife.
“Gladly.” Josh immediately walked away, leaving us alone.
“Carter,” I said, beating him to it. “Look—”
“You honestly think I don’t love you, Ari?”
“What?”
“You heard me.” He raised his voice. “Do you honestly think that I don’t fucking love you?”
“That’s what you said to me before I left, isn’t it? Why wouldn’t I believe it?”
“Because deep down I know you’re smarter than that.” He hissed. “I also know you did not fly all the way here to blow me off and act like you don’t know me.”
“I came to visit and introduce you to Sean.”
“Fuck him.” He growled. “Even if I could buy that you liked him—which, you don’t, by the way, you wouldn’t dare introduce him to me so quickly. That’s not your style.”
“People change.”
“We don’t,” he said. “I still know you like the back of my hand. The only thing that’s changed about you since you left is your goddamn hair.”
“In your case, your vocabulary has definitely changed,” I said, crossing my arms. “You’ve never cursed at me like this before.”
“You’ve never caught me off guard like this before.” He took a deep breath and sighed. “Look, we need to talk, whenever you get a chance and have a free hour or two that you can get away from your classmate.”
“My boyfriend.”
“Yeah, whatever.” He stood up and pulled out his wallet. “Find the time and text me when you have a moment. Preferably before this weekend.”
“Will you not be sleeping at your house? Won’t I see you and be able to tell you a time in person?”
“No,” he said flatly. “I got a room at Beach Front Hotel down the street.”
“What?” I swallowed. “Why?”
“Because first of all, I can’t bear the thought of another guy sleeping with you. Second of all, having you in my house and not being able to touch you? I’m not going to be able to handle that.” He placed a hundred-dollar bill on the table. “Call me when you’re ready to talk. Alone.”
He left the diner and Sean returned moments later.
Josh didn’t, though.
“What happened to your friends?” Sean asked.
“Something important came up, so they both had to go.”
He shrugged and started to eat his food, and I did my best to smile and act like the conversation with Carter had never happened.
Track 30. Shake It Off (3:18)
Carter
Arizona was really testing my patience.
The entire weekend passed without her calling me, and the only thing she texted me was:
Thank you for letting Sean and me stay at your place for the weekend. My mom is throwing a ‘Welcome Back’ dinner for me at her house Tuesday night. She would like you to be there.
I didn’t text back. I just drowned myself in legal assignments until my eyes couldn’t stay open anymore. It was the only thing that prevented me from showing up to her mom’s house and demanding that she listen to me.
“Nonstop seafood, chicken, and waffles made by yours truly, Ari. Be there or else!” Josh announced as he walked into the living room. “Hey, are we going or what?”
“Going where?”
“To Ari’s mom’s house.” He crossed his arms. “You know what I’m talking about. She just sent out a mass text, though I’m pretty sure she already told you …”
At that second, my phone buzzed with the same text Josh had read aloud.
“So, are we going or what?” he asked.
“Not if her so-called boyfriend is there.”
“Why are you acting so jealous?” He cut me off.
“Because I am jealous.”
“Jesus. Get your shit together, man. You two haven’t really talked for over six months. Did you really think no guy would be interested in her over there? That she would just stay single and cry over you until you decided to tell her the truth whenever she got back? Like, I know you only recently realized just how goddamn sexy she is, but …”
“Are you trying to help me or further enrage me?” I gritted my teeth. “For the record, if it’s the latter, it’s definitely working …”
“Just talk to her.”
“I’ve tried.”
“No, you haven’t. And you’re not trying now. You’re growling, pissing everyone off, including the woman you’re trying to get back. But honestly, both of you are so stupid, I swear. Maybe you two had the right idea all along, though. Maybe you should’ve stayed just friends.”
“I’m not trying to hear this from you of all people right now.”
“You’re not trying to hear anything. That’s the problem.” He leaned against the wall. “Outside of making dumbass comments all night, what do you plan on doing to get her to listen to you?”
“I’m not sure anymore.”
“Bullshit.”
“No, I’m honestly not sure. She really has deluded herself into thinking that I only used her for sex last summer, that I didn’t love her at all.”
“You told her ‘not in that way’ … That’s actually the worst thing you could’ve ever said. What was she supposed to think?”
“That I was doing what was best for her. She’s put her dreams on hold for a guy before … I didn’t want that.”
“You honestly think she would have stayed home from France, if you’d told her the truth? Changed her entire future just for you?”
“Yes.” I looked up at him, daring him to question it further. “I’m pretty sure I know her ten times better than you do.”
He held up his hands in a slight surrender. “Well, if that’s the case, what are you going to do now?”
“Try as many times as necessary t
o make her listen to me …” I stood up. “Let’s go.”
* * *
Several months ago
Before Ari left for France, I’d found her journal in her room. And by “found” I meant she left it open on her desk, underneath her passport and plane tickets.
I wasn’t going to read it; I hadn’t read it since sixth grade when I teased her about having a crush on the guy she wanted to kiss “so badly, that [I] want to see the stars when his lips touch mine.” But I saw my name with hearts around it (more than once), so I shut her door while she was downstairs cooking and read:
Dear Janet,
Is it weird that I call you that instead of “journal”? Actually, it’s probably weird that I’m twenty-three years old and keeping a damn journal to begin with …)
Anyway, I never thought it would happen to me, but I’m in love.
Hopelessly, foolishly, and deeply in love with the last person you’d expect: Carter.
And now I’m not sure what I want anymore … It’s true that love puts things in perspective. Before, when we weren’t having sex, (Yes … we had sex and it was amazing … IN-FUCKING-CREDIBLE actually.) I was hesitant about going away, but now?
Honestly, if he asked me to stay, I would stay. I got into two other culinary programs that are only a few hours away and I can still confirm if need be … I just … My heart has never felt like this before and I don’t know what I should do...
Talk to you later,
Ari.
PS—Since I started having Carter over all the time for ... you know … My room is fucking spotless. You should SEE it! LOL.
Knowing Ari like the back of my hand, I knew right then and there that if she did ever tell me that she loved me, it would probably be at the airport right before takeoff. (She was dramatic like that.) That she would probably expect me to say it back, and then she would cry and say that she could learn how to be a better chef in America, that she didn’t need to go overseas.
She would stay.
Because she’d done that before for another guy she liked: She went to the University of Pittsburgh—knowing that she didn’t really want to go, but she thought she was in love, so she followed her heart instead of her dreams.
I loved her enough to want what was best, and I didn’t want her to do that again.
So, I vowed to be as stoic as possible on the day she left—kissing her one last time definitely, but if she told me she was in love with me before takeoff, I wouldn’t let myself say it back.
Track 31. You’re Not Sorry (3:22)
Arizona
I stood in the kitchen with my mother, marinating chicken in barbecue sauce, while she tossed a salad.
“I like Sean,” she said, smiling at me.
“I do, too.” I looked outside the window where he was helping Nicole set up seats in the backyard. “He’s perfect, honestly.”
“How so?”
I thought about pulling out my spreadsheet and showing her how he was a perfect ten in the “intensity of the kisses” and “genuine conversations” categories, but I’d held back.
“He does the sweetest things for me in France—calls me to wake me up every morning, runs with me on the weekends, listens to me whenever I want to talk. He’s also an amazing kisser.”
She laughed. “An amazing kisser?”
“The best guy I’ve ever kissed.” Except Carter.
An image of Carter kissing me at the EPIC party—controlling my lips with his, suddenly ran across my mind and I forced myself to brush it away.
“He said he wants to ask me something over dinner tonight when everyone is here,” I said. “You think he’s going to propose?”
“This early?” Her eyes widened. “I would hope not.”
“He’s not.” I said, laughing. “I like him a lot, though. You think you could see us together long term?”
“Not sure. I’ve always thought you would end up with Carter.” She smiled, setting down the salad.
“What? When did you think that?”
“I’ve always thought that. I still do.”
What the… “Do you not see Sean, my current boyfriend, out there?”
“I do,” she said. “I think he really cares about you, but I know the two of you aren’t in love. I know for a fact that Carter loves you more than you’ll ever know.”
“Because he’s upset that I have a boyfriend? Because he’s being rude and mean to me?”
“Because he was here every week that you were gone, asking about you, wanting to know if we’d talked, hoping you would call while he was here.”
“Right.”
“It’s true.” She held the cheese grater up to my face and I saw that there were tears welling in my eyes. “I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I’m just telling you what I think, and I think, whether you want to admit it or not, that you belong with Carter.”
“He said he didn’t feel anything for me when we …”
“When you what?”
I sighed. I didn’t want to talk about my sex-life with my mom, but she was the closest thing I had to a female BFF, so I let it out. “We had sex before I went abroad. We actually had sex a few times.” I paused, waiting for a shocked reaction, at least a gasp, but I got nothing. “And I um … I asked him if he felt something between us changing, because I definitely did. I asked him if he had feelings that were more than friend-like, if he felt like there was something more than sex between us, and he said no.”
“You asked him that in person?”
“No. It was in a text message. Same thing.”
“It’s really not.” She clucked her teeth. “Maybe there’s a reason he said that.”
“Yeah, to tell me the truth and to confirm that we should’ve never had sex. Could you at least try to look surprised about all of this? I had sex with him. Sex. With. Carter.”
She laughed. “I’m not surprised at all, Arizona. I’m only shocked it took this long for it to happen.”
“Are you sure you’re my mother?”
“I don’t think you should make any drastic decisions until you talk to him in person. He’s still your best friend.” She gave me a light kiss on the cheek and hugged me before walking outside.
I wiped my face on my sleeve and chopped a few more pieces of chicken, cursing myself for not bringing the cutlery set I had in France with me.
Ugh. I’m turning into a cutlery critic. Culinary school symptom number one.
“Arizona?” Sean wrapped his arms around me from behind.
“Yes?” I smiled.
“Can I ask you something?” He kissed the back of my neck and slowly let me go.
“Anything.”
“I told you I’ll be asking you something in front of everyone at dinner, but before that …” He hesitated. “Would you be willing to leave with me tomorrow?”
“What?” That came out of nowhere. “Why?”
“I’m not talking about leaving the States,” he said. “Just this part of the beach. You know I only live five hours away, so I was thinking we could go see my hometown for a day or two? We can still come back here before flying back to France.”
I hesitated, thinking about what my mom said, about wanting to know if Carter had a reason behind hurting me so terribly, but I couldn’t think of a single worthy one. “Of course.”
He kissed my lips. “Care to join the rest of us outside now?”
“Very much so.” I kissed him back, now hoping that Carter wouldn’t show up to say whatever he did have to say.
* * *
I tried my best to avoid looking at Carter for most of the party, and I could tell that he was avoiding me, too. He’d barely said hello when he arrived; he went straight to my mother, gave her a hug, and sat down at the long picnic table.
Josh, on the other hand, was the one who was, surprisingly, acting like an adult and talking to Sean and me.
“So, you have used marijuana in a recipe before?” Josh leaned forward, looking at Sean.
�
��I have.” He smiled.
“What are the chances of you recreating that little entrée for us while you’re in town?”
Nicole slapped the back of Josh’s head with a paper plate. “Don’t you have exams next week? You shouldn’t be thinking about having anything with weed in it. Do your teachers know you smoke?”
“For your information, I don’t smoke anymore.” He rolled his eyes. “I simply buy products that contain THC and devour them. There’s a difference.”
We all laughed and shook our heads. (Well, except Carter.)
“Can I address everyone for a second?” Sean tapped his cup with a spoon as he stood up.
Nicole smiled at me, Carter sipped his beer and looked away.
“First,” Sean said. “Thank you all for being so welcoming. Ari’s told me a lot about you all.”
“Clearly not enough.” Carter muttered and Sean shot me a look.
I smiled and shrugged, mouthing, “Ignore him.”
He kissed my lips before continuing. “I lost most of my family in a horrific accident. Most of my friends, too.” He winced. “So, it means a lot to be around people who remind me that life isn’t all terrible.”
Nicole put her hand over her heart.
“Anyway, it’s taken years for me to get to a decent place, to feel like living life again,” he said, turning to look at me. “And I promised myself that if I found someone who made me feel something again, a feeling that I couldn’t ignore, that I would seize the moment because I know, personally, that life is way too short to wait to say something.”
Carter narrowed his eyes at Sean, leaning back in his chair.
Josh took a huge gulp of his drink.
“We haven’t known each other that long, Arizona, but—” He clasped my hand. “There’s something about you, about us, that makes me feel alive again. I’m not proposing, don’t worry.” He laughed. “But I am promising you that if you agree to be mine, I’ll be faithful and loyal to you for as long as we’re together.” He pulled out a small ring, a silver and gold band with an emerald jewel. “This is a promise ring. Do you accept?”