The Joining Tree

by Claire Fogel

  It was still snowing heavily, but Lily took my hand and steered me toward the Café, located in the middle of the campus. The wind was blowing the snow right into our faces, so entering the warm café that smelled of Italian food was like reaching an oasis at the North Pole.

  It was spaghetti night at the Café and the food was excellent—and cheap! I knew my mother would have loved it. And being a non-cook, I also knew I’d be eating a lot of my meals here in a few months.

  Lily and I chatted over dinner, becoming acquainted quickly. After dinner, she bought a bag full of cookies, made at the Café, and we fought our way through the blinding snowstorm back to her dorm.

  We spent the evening munching on cookies while I posed for her and she took what seemed like hundreds of pictures of me. I gave her my email address and asked her to send me a few once they were developed.

  “It will be my pleasure, Cara. You’re a wonderful model. I think this group of photos will make a great display next time we have a show on campus.” She giggled. “You’ll already be well known by the time you get here in the fall.”

  “Oh! Everyone will see these pictures?” I wasn’t expecting that.

  “Yep. Everyone on campus. Your face will be familiar to all the students who will be back next year. Actually, it might make you feel more at home here. Everyone will be smiling at you, thinking they already know you!”

  I actually got a good night’s sleep when we finally turned in around midnight. The cot-size bed was comfortable and her roommate’s down comforter was a blessing once the dorm’s heat was turned down for the night.

  The snow had stopped by the time we woke up and after we slogged through three feet of snow to get breakfast at the Café, we watched the TV there to find out about road conditions.

  A few of Lily’s friends drifted over to our table, introduced themselves, and joined us in checking the post-storm reports.

  The young man from the bookstore asked, “How far do you have to drive to get home, Cara?”

  “Normally, it’s a two-hour drive, but I’m afraid it will take longer today. I have snow tires so that will help, but I’ve never had to drive in these conditions before.”

  Lily asked, “Nervous?”

  I just nodded, watching the continuing reports on road conditions.

  We had lunch at the café-—croissants stuffed with ham and cheese, absolutely delicious—and finally, it was announced the main roads were clear with traffic moving only a little slower than normal. It was time for me to go home. I was surprised to realize I didn’t really want to leave.

  I thanked Lily for her hospitality, promising to keep in touch via email, and walked back to the administration building to say goodbye to Mrs. Barrett.

  Although the side streets were still not completely clear of snow, once I reached the highway, I was fine. The main roads were wet but not covered with snow. I turned up the music I was playing, one of Mom’s Golden Oldies CD’s, and sailed home, singing along to The Four Tops, happy that I’d be returning to Barrett in only seven months.

  Mom and Dad wanted to hear all about my trip to Barrett. They were obviously relieved that I hadn’t tried to drive home during a snowstorm, but pleased my meeting with Mrs. Bennett had gone well and that I’d even made a few new friends.

  When I told Amy and Kevin about my trip and about the surprise blizzard, they both frowned, which didn’t surprise me. They both knew how much damage icy roads could do, but I reassured them that I didn’t get far before I turned around and went back to Barrett.

  Amy thought it was great I had already made a new friend who was studying photography. “When she sends you those pictures, don’t forget to forward them to Kevin and me.” She grinned. “I’m sure Sean will want to see them too.”

  We were sitting in the kitchen, drinking hot chocolate. Kevin always planned ahead; he had brought the marshmallows.

  He said, “So the photos she took of you will be part of an art exhibition at the school?”

  “Yeah. She thinks by the time I get there in August, everyone on campus will think they already know me. She said it might help me feel more at home.”

  Kevin added, “First day at Art school and you’ll already be semi-famous!”

  I rolled my eyes. “I doubt that, Kev.”

  He laughed, pulling on my ponytail. Which reminded me.

  “Amy, I think I need your help. I definitely need a ‘stylist’! Everyone I met made a point of telling me how young I look.” I groaned. “How can I look older?”

  This was Amy’s specialty and she was immediately excited. “Finally, Cara! I’ve been after you to wear a little makeup for years. Makeup and a more mature hairstyle will definitely add a few years. We can work on it between now and this summer. You have so much to learn!” And Amy was in her element. I took a deep breath and simply agreed.

  A lot of good things came out of my trip to Syracuse. Meeting Mrs. Bennett and hearing her thoughts about my artwork gave me an added incentive to concentrate on art rather than my social life. Sean was not thrilled with my new attitude, but I did manage to attend a few of his basketball games, followed, of course, by burgers and milkshakes at The Grille. Amy and Kevin always joined us so we weren’t actually spending much time alone together.

  I thought that was best, but Sean seemed disappointed. I got the feeling that he knew I was slowly pulling away, but also knew there was nothing he could do about it.

  Not long after my trip, rumors started making the rounds at school about high school athletes taking drugs. No one thought that would ever happen at Thornewood High. Drugs were something that only happened at larger schools, like Greenville, right?

  And then Thornewood lost its Friday night basketball game and rumors began to fly again. Sean joined us at The Grille, clearly upset and depressed after the game.

  Kevin asked him if any of the rumors were true.

  Sean took a deep breath. “I didn’t want to believe it, but two of the guys on the team were just out of it tonight. They didn’t seem to know what they were doing, or even why they were doing it. Coach called both of them to his office after the game.”

  I immediately thought about Joey and Nick Romanov. “Has anyone seen those two guys around town, Sean?”

  “Not that I know of, but they could have decided to operate somewhere more private, rather than on street corners, especially since the police have been watching for them.”

  “I guess we should all be keeping our eyes open,” I said. Maybe the little talk I’d had with Joey hadn’t had the desired effect.

  We didn’t have anything to celebrate that night, so we left The Grille, which was quieter than usual, and I dropped Kevin and Amy off at Kevin’s so he could drive her home later. It was still fairly early.

  After we said goodnight to Amy and Kevin, Sean said, “Cara, I don’t really want to go home yet. Can we go somewhere else for a while?”

  “What do you want to do?” I asked him.

  He was staring out the windshield. “We need to talk. Something’s changed. I want to know what’s happened.” He still sounded unhappy, and it wasn’t just about the basketball game.

  “Okay.” I drove downtown and parked behind Mom’s bookstore. It was quiet and no one else was there at night.

  I turned the car off, wrapped my parka around me and leaned against the door, facing Sean. I had known this was coming, but it wasn’t going to be easy.

  He leaned against the passenger door and faced me, leaving a lot of distance between us, which seemed appropriate. We were drifting apart, literally.

  “Cara, things between us have been changing for months. At Christmas I thought we seemed closer, but I guess it was just the holidays or something.”

  His head down, he was quiet for a few minutes. I couldn’t argue with anything he’d said.

  “I thought Amy being in the hospital was the reason you seemed so distant, but she’s fine now, and you’re still distant. Yeah, we go out after the games, and we sit together in most
of our classes, but something’s missing. Especially since your trip to Barrett.”

  He looked up at me. “You know I love you, and I know your feelings are not the same, but you’ve got to level with me. I thought we were going to enjoy our senior year together. What’s happened?”

  How can I explain that I’m in love with someone else without hurting him terribly?

  It wasn’t going to be easy. But it was more than just Adam.

  “Sean, you know that I care about you, right?” He nodded. “Well, my trip to Barrett showed me what my life will be like next year, all the art classes, and art history, living away from home, and so many things I’ve never experienced before. It excited me, made me want to work even harder on my watercolors. I guess that’s all I’ve been concentrating on; not my social life, not my friends, not my parents, just my art and my future.”

  I paused for a few minutes. “I realize how selfish that sounds, but it’s practically all I’ve been able to think about.” I knew he wouldn’t like what I’d say next, but I wanted to be fair to him, without breaking his heart.

  “Sean, I think you should probably start dating other girls. You’re a great guy and a great friend. You deserve so much more than I can give you.”

  He was silent for at least a minute. “It won’t bother you seeing me out with someone else, will it?” I heard anger in his voice.

  He was wrong about that. “It will bother me. I’ll probably feel kind of jealous, but I know I’m not being fair to you, so you should date other girls. I care more about my art, my future, than anything else right now. That’s the truth. But regardless, I’m still your friend. I always will be.”

  He nodded, turned and faced the windshield again, not looking at me. “You can drive me home now. I guess there’s nothing else to say.” His voice was full of the hurt he was feeling.

  I turned and started the car. I looked at Sean and whispered, “I’m sorry.” He didn’t look at me, just stared straight ahead.

  When I reached his house, he didn’t say anything, just looked at me for a few seconds, then got out of the car and went into his house.

  I sat there for a minute, feeling a heavy weight on my chest. Then I drove home, feeling like a totally rotten person. I didn’t deserve Sean McKay. That was the truth.

  When I got home, the look on my face immediately alerted my parents that I was more depressed than usual. A certain amount of depression was accepted these days.

  Mom asked, “What’s wrong, dear? You look miserable.”

  My father, always in tune with me emotionally, asked, “Why are you feeling guilty, Cara?”

  I tossed off my parka and threw myself into a chair at the kitchen table. “I just told Sean he should be dating other girls. I can’t give him what he wants or what he deserves. And I hate feeling like I’m using him.”

  My father just nodded. I knew he understood.

  Mom’s voice was soft. “This is still because of your feelings for Adam, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, but it’s also because I want to concentrate on art right now. I don’t want to concentrate on being in love or anything else. I know how selfish that is, but I feel I need to put my goals first. I don’t really want to spend the rest of my senior year trying to make Sean happy when I already know we’ll break up before we both leave for college. There’s no future for us as anything but friends.”

  “Sweetheart, I think being honest with Sean was the right thing to do.” My father looked into my eyes, understanding clear in those green eyes. “Sean’s a decent young man. You know we like him, but you know he’s not the right one for you. He needed to know that too.”

  Mom asked, “You didn’t tell him about your feelings for Adam, did you?”

  I shook my head. “I couldn’t hurt him that much.”

  She looked sad. “You’re not planning on trying to enjoy your last year in high school with your friends, are you?”

  “No, Mom. I’m looking ahead. My last year of high school just isn’t that important to me.”

  What I didn’t say was that if I couldn’t have the one I loved, I didn’t want anyone.

  Rather than have Amy corner me in the morning to find out why Sean and I both looked so miserable, I called her before I went to bed.

  “Amy, have you got a few minutes to talk?”

  “Uh-oh. I know that tone of voice. What happened after we left you tonight?”

  “Sean wanted to talk. Things between us haven’t been the same. He wanted to know why.”

  “You didn’t tell him about Adam, did you?”

  “No. That would have been too cruel. Basically, I said I thought he should be dating other girls because I can’t give him what he wants. I told him I knew I wasn’t being fair to him.”

  “Even that must have been hard for him to hear, Cara.”

  I sighed. “Yeah. I know I hurt him. I hated to do it. But he does deserve more.”

  “Well, what about the rest of our senior year?”

  “Amy, you and Kevin have each other. I don’t think you’ll miss socializing with me. A lot of things changed for me after my trip to Barrett. I got a look at what my life will be like next year, and I loved it. I just want to work toward that, focus on art, not on boyfriends.”

  “You know, you’ll have to sit next to Sean four classes a day, five days a week, until the semester ends.”

  I groaned. “Yeah. That’s not going to be easy. I hope we can continue to talk to each other, but that’s up to him, you know?”

  “I know. But if I know Sean, he’ll continue to be the gentleman he’s always been.”

  I hoped she was right.

  Amy was usually right. I didn’t hear from Sean Saturday or Sunday, but Monday in class he said hi, loaned me a pen when I couldn’t find mine, and moved my bag before I fell over it. But he wasn’t smiling. He was a perfect gentleman, as always. And I still felt heartless.

  Rather than walking with me between classes, he walked with other friends we always saw in the halls, clearly leaving me behind. Of course, that attracted a few confused glances from our friends, but I couldn’t blame him so I just smiled and tried to look cheerful.

  I had an uncomfortable twinge in the vicinity of my heart when I realized I’d be seeing him with other girls before long, but that didn’t matter. It was what was best for Sean. I really did want him to be happy.

  A week later, Randi stopped me in the hallway at the end of the school day.

  “Hi Randi, how are you doing? How are things at home?”

  “Everything’s great at home, Cara, but I wanted to talk to you. Um, not here, but I need a ride home today. My car’s in the shop for a tune up.”

  “Sure. I have to drop off Kevin and Amy first. Come with us.”

  “Perfect! Thanks. I’ll meet you by the front entrance in two minutes.”

  She ran to her locker and I walked to the front door to wait for Amy and Kevin. Sean dashed past me, calling out, “See you tomorrow.” He was out the front door like a shot, which felt kind of weird.

  I didn’t wait long before Amy and Kevin reached me, Randi right behind them.

  “Hi guys, I’m giving Randi a lift this afternoon.”

  Amy grinned. “Hey, Randi. Where’s your Beamer?”

  Randi rolled her eyes. “In the shop for the day. I’m hoping I’ll get it back tomorrow.” She looked over at Kevin. “How are you guys doing?” She giggled. “Do I have to ask?”

  Kevin blushed, of course, but Amy just wrapped her arm around his waist and smiled. “We’re doing just fine.”

  They followed me down the block to my car and I drove Kevin home.

  “Short stuff, you can drop Amy at my house. She wants to do a little shopping before she goes home.”

  “What are you shopping for?” I asked her.

  She gave me a ‘Mona Lisa’ smile. “Oh, just a few things I think will look good on you.”

  “Hey, Amy, I can pay for my own makeup, you know.”

  “It’s okay, Cara
. You have no patience for shopping, but it’s my favorite thing. And Kev has lots more patience than you have!” She was beaming, but I heard Kevin groan.

  I shook my head and chuckled. “Sorry, Kev. I never meant to inflict this on you.”

  Randi asked, “What’s going on?”

  “I think I’m Amy’s latest project. She loves projects, especially when they involve hair and makeup!”

  Amy added, “Cara finally wants to find a way to look a little older before she starts Art school. And I’m in charge.”

  I explained. “I visited the Barrett Art Institute recently. Everyone I met asked me how old I was, as though I couldn’t possibly be old enough to be out of high school. When I got home, I asked Amy for help.”

  Grinning, Amy said, “This is gonna be fun!”

  We’d reached Kevin’s house, said our goodbyes, and I watched them get into Kevin’s Jeep.

  I pulled away and headed for Randi’s condo. “Okay, Randi, what did you want to talk to me about?”

  “Actually, two things. First, Joey called me last night. It’s been weeks, you know? I really thought he was out of my life. He sounded different, even apologized to me. And then he said something about some things you’d said to him, things that made him think about what he was doing with his life. Cara, when did you talk to him?”

  I explained about running into him the day Amy and I had gone to the second-hand clothing store.

  “It looked like he was trying to sell drugs to some of those out-of-work guys who hang out down there. Anyway, he saw me, yelled at me, and headed straight for me. He grabbed my arm and I thought he wanted to hurt me, so I, uh, talked to him, trying to make him see that he was only hurting himself.”

  Randi nodded and said softly, “You mean the way you talked to me the day I tried to hurt you.”

  “Well, yes. I was just trying to get through to him. I didn’t want to be forced to pull a knife on him.”